by Nikki Ashton
He stopped again and took a long swig from his bottle of beer before continuing.
‘So, I was fighting for a national title and was winning on points …’ he said.
My own breath stalled as grief shrouded Roman’s face. I gave him a smile, encouraging him to continue.
He did, with a long inhale. ‘There was no way I was going to lose; there were only a couple of rounds left, and Michael was never going to be able to catch up. I knew it and he knew it.’
He paused for a few seconds to look at me and then carried on.
‘I should have managed out the fight, stayed away from his punches, and just landed some body shots.’
He stopped again and this time he turned away from me, dropping his head into his hands.
‘Baby, what happened?’ I asked, placing what I hoped was a reassuring hand on his back.
‘I lost concentration and he managed to land a punch on my chin that shook me, so I wanted to be sure.’ He paused and blew out a breath. ‘I punched him hard, Summer. In the head …’
I gasped inwardly, somehow knowing what was coming.
‘… so damn hard that I killed him.’
His words caused me to shoot a hand to my mouth. This was Roman’s nightmare. This was where he killed his best friend.
‘God, I’m so sorry,’ I whispered.
My other hand was on Roman’s back. I wanted him to know that I was still there for him. His head turned and he looked at me with tear-filled eyes, warily watching me.
‘He was in a coma for almost a week before they decided to switch off the machine. And do you know what one of the worst parts about it was? His damn family didn’t blame me one bit. They said Michael knew the risks the day he decided to take up boxing as a career.’
‘And they were right,’ I replied. ‘He did, and you can’t blame yourself for that.’
‘Of course I fucking can. I’d won, all but for the final bell. It was obvious. Dickie kept telling me and Vance kept shouting it out to me. But I got cocky and let Michael get a punch in, and because I was such an arrogant dick I went for the head shot. He was my friend, Summer. We’d grown up together, and I did it to prove a point because he always was a fucking competitive bastard who wanted to beat me at everything.’
‘But they were right, he knew the risks,’ I protested.
‘No they fucking weren’t,’ he whispered, on a shaky breath. ‘I killed him, Summer. I killed my friend.’
A wracking sob escaped from Roman’s body as he slumped forward with his arms wrapped around his chest.
‘Roman, sweetheart,’ I pleaded, ‘let me hold you.’
Taking a deep breath, Roman grew silent; then he turned and leaned in close against me.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said quietly after a while. ‘I just never talk about it.’
‘It’s okay,’ I soothed. ‘It’s totally understandable.’
‘Do you hate me?’ His eyes scanned my face. ‘Knowing what I’m capable of?’
‘No way, it was just an accident.’ I pressed a kiss to his forehead and then pulled him against my chest.
I needed to comfort him, hold him, and tell him that everything would be okay. I could feel his pain, and wanted to be the one to take it away.
‘Roman,’ I said softly, brushing his hair from his forehead. ‘Are you okay?’
He nodded and a soft kiss landed on my cheek. Arms tightened around me—one at my waist and one at my chest.
‘I stayed at the hospital the whole time,’ he sighed. ‘By Michael’s bedside, hoping that the doctors were wrong and that he’d come round and give me shit for something or other. Tell me that my stance had been wrong, or that my jab had been too weak, but he didn’t. So after a week his family and Caroline decided that it was time to let him go. They were so damn kind to me, Summer, it made it a thousand times worse. Caroline was a wreck. She was broken and I couldn’t bear to look at her and see the pain in her eyes. The blame.’
‘But it’s like they said, Michael knew the risks,’ I replied, wrapping my fingers around his arm at my chest.
‘Yeah, I know, but ultimately I was still to blame. It didn’t matter, though; they turned the machine off, and we had the funeral and then life carried on. Only it didn’t, not for me,’ he said on a whisper. ‘I hated myself, and the only way I could cope was to shut myself away from everyone. I’d taken Michael from his family, so why should I enjoy mine? The only person I spoke to was Caroline, and that was because of the guilt that ate away at me every day.’
I reached down and kissed his jaw. ‘I’m here for you,’ I whispered.
‘You don’t hate me?’
‘No, baby, I don’t hate you. I’m glad you told me, and I’m sorry that you went through all of that.’
‘You’re sure?’
‘Positive.’ I turned to him as he sat up and looked at me. ‘You and Michael, you both knew the risks, whatever you might think about what happened. And, while I understand your need to be there for Caroline, you can’t keep doing it, especially if it affects your relationship with Tiff.’
Part of me wanted him to give up his Knight in Shining Armour role because of me too. Caroline had gone through a terrible time, but Roman had his own life, and I was determined to be a big part of it.
He gave me a sad smile and sighed deeply.
‘I know,’ he said resignedly. ‘Once she finds somewhere to go, I’ll take a step back. The problem is, I feel guilty about the position she’s in now too. Michael would want me to help her.’
‘How is her splitting up with Jack Abbott your fault?’ I asked incredulously.
‘I persuaded her to come home, and she only met Jack because he was going out with my sister. Abbott made her homeless, and she would never have met him if I hadn’t killed Michael. This is all my fault.’
‘No, Roman. It’s purely on Jack Abbott. Listen, I don’t expect you to abandon her, but you can’t keep making her your responsibility, because if you do, you’ll lose Tiff.’
‘But Michael—’
‘Michael wouldn’t want you to keep this guilt inside you,’ I said, laying a palm against his thudding heart. ‘His family were right; he knew the risks, and, if he was as competitive as you say he was, then you know he would have been fighting you with the same amount of force and passion.’
‘Yeah, I know, but …’
When he didn’t say anything else, I continued.
‘Promise me that you’ll let this guilt go. You have to let go of your need to rescue Caroline all the time. Think about Tiff.’
He nodded. ‘Yeah, you’re right. This isn’t fair on her. Or you. I promise.’
The remorse that I felt almost had me telling him no, he should continue to be there for her, but I was falling in love with Roman and I was a selfish woman. I didn’t want to share him with anyone, least of all Caroline.
The next day, Roman called Tiffany and asked to meet up for dinner. He’d asked me to go along, but I thought that it should be just the two of them. Tiffany needed to know that she was her brother’s priority, not Caroline—or me, for that matter.
We’d agreed to meet at Ziggy’s later, so I was surprised when I got a text just before I left the house:
Grumpy: Things a little better with Tiff. Apologised and explained. Have agreed will speak to Caroline about finding somewhere else. See you later x
The last part of the text gave me a little thrill of joy, I couldn’t lie. But I knew Roman wouldn’t allow Michael’s child to live anywhere awful, so I wasn’t holding out any hope of Caroline leaving Roman’s house anytime soon. After what she’d done to Tiff, I really didn’t care about her, but Maisie was a lovely little girl, and none of this was her fault. Maybe to appease my own selfish guilt, I’d spent some of the afternoon looking at affordable places to rent and printed off the details. Caroline probably would say she couldn’t afford them, but Roman wouldn’t repair his relationship with Tiffany while Caroline was still staying in his house.
The
other riot of thoughts in my head, were about if I should tell Roman about the possible issue with children. He’d laid himself bare to me. He’d told me all about his living hell; he’d trusted me enough to do that, so maybe I should afford him the same level of decency.
The problem was I was scared it would push him away. But if I didn’t tell him, it would be a whole lot worse him pushing me away when I was even deeper into our relationship. Alex’s rejection, no matter that I was better off without him, had hurt. I hadn’t been enough for him and that stung, but I knew it would be a whole lot more than a stinging hurt if Roman felt the same way.
‘What do I do, Em?’ I asked as we sat in Ziggy’s. ‘If I tell him now he’ll probably think I’ve gone all stalker on him and already booked the church, and if I don’t tell him and we start to get really serious, he’ll think I’ve deceived him.’
‘You could drop it casually into the conversation,’ she suggested.
I sighed heavily, my gaze wandering around the club, wondering where Roman was. He’d said he’d be here, and I knew he would, but I was desperate to see him. I wanted to check he was okay after his dinner with Tiff, but I also missed him.
‘How do you drop something like that into a casual conversation?’ I asked, turning back to Emma.
She shrugged and took a sip of her drink.
‘I suppose just as he’s putting a condom on I could say, “Hey, as long as you’re clean, dude, don’t bother with that, because, to be honest, I’m as barren as the damn Sahara.”’
‘Don’t say that, and please don’t call him dude,’ Emma chastised, her button nose screwing up in disgust. ‘Anyway, you’re not barren. It’s just going to take a bit more effort, that’s all.’
She grabbed my hand and clutched it between both of her own.
‘You will have a baby one day, I know you will. So tell me, why are you worrying about this now?’
I shrugged. ‘No idea,’ I lied.
‘I call BS on that,’ she grumbled. ‘It’s because you’ve got deep feelings for him, isn’t it?’
Emma gave me a look that I knew meant she already knew the answer.
‘Yeah,’ I sighed, knowing there was no point in lying. ‘And they’re getting deeper every day, Em.’
‘That’s a good thing, unless you don’t think he feels the same way?’
‘Well, we haven’t mentioned love or anything like that, and it’s only been a couple of weeks,’ I replied. ‘But we seem to be on the same page. He wants to spend time with me, and he’s told me things that I don’t think he would if this was just casual.’
‘So you obviously envisage a future together, but you’re worried about how he’s going to take it if you can’t have a baby’
‘That’s about it. Look how Alex reacted, and we’d been together three years, not a month.’
‘Do not compare him to Alex; he’s a prick! If you think that this is turning into something serious, then tell him. I bet you’ll be surprised. But you need to listen to me when I tell you that one day you will have a baby.’
I tried to give her a big smile, one that showed my teeth, but I simply couldn’t picture myself with a baby, no matter how hard I tried. My biggest fear was that Roman would reject me when I told him, and he’d prove to be no better than Alex. He wouldn’t be the man I thought him to be.
‘If you say so, but it’s not the end of the world, anyway,’ I said responding to Emma’s optimism.
‘Don’t pretend to me, Summer. I know that you put on a happy face about it,’ Emma said. ‘You always make out you don’t care, but I know that you do.’
‘I don’t!’ I said vehemently. ‘I’ve come to terms with it.’
Emma’s eyebrows rose and her eyes widened.
‘No you haven’t. Don’t lie to me. You’ve only known for a short time, so there’s no way you’ve come to terms with it. I don’t think you ever will. You pretend, but the mere fact that you’re worried about what Roman will think shows me that you are constantly thinking about it.’
She was exactly right: it was on my mind a lot, but the more I fell for Roman, the more it was rearing its ugly head. It hurt like a punch to the gut.
‘Still doesn’t help me to decide whether to tell him now, later or never,’ I groaned.
‘Well, personally I think you should. If it’s going somewhere he deserves to be told,’ Emma replied.
‘I know.’ Sadness engulfed me. He’d finish it, I just knew it. ‘Maybe I should just finish things with him,’ I blurted out.
Emma’s hand came out and grabbed my arm, her fingertips digging into my skin.
‘No!’ she cried. ‘You can’t do that.’
‘Why?’ I asked detaching her hand from me. ‘We’ve only been together a short time, and, yes, the sex is off the charts good, but surely it’s best to finish it now before it gets serious.’
Emma slammed a palm to her forehead. ‘You’ve just told me it’s already got serious. You’ve got feelings for him!’
She laughed emptily and shook her head.
‘You really like him, you think he might feel the same way, so just tell him.’ She pulled me into a hug. ‘If he dumps you because of it, then he’s not the man for you.’
I bit on my lip and nodded.
‘And that’s what scares me, Em.’
‘Summer, please just tell him.’
I nodded again, not really sure that I could, but knew that I had to.
Giving Emma as big a smile as I could manage, I took a large sip of my wine, almost draining the glass. As I watched the Friday night revellers, I felt Emma’s leg jigging up and down next to me.
‘What on earth is the matter?’ I slammed my hand down onto her bouncing knee and stared at her. ‘Do you need the toilet?’
‘No,’ she gasped. ‘Henry and Roman are on their way over.’
My head shot around in the direction in which she was looking. Henry and Roman were making their way through the crowds; both dressed in trousers and open-necked shirts, rolled back at the sleeves, they looked like an advert for men’s aftershave. All that was missing was a rock ballad blasting out and both of them walking in slow motion. Handsome as separate entities, together they were stunning.
Henry’s smile was gleaming as he looked at Emma, while Roman stared at me with a tight jaw. It was a good stare, though, because although he was a few feet away, I knew that look. It was the one he usually gave me when he was about to set my knickers on fire.
‘Hi gorgeous,’ Henry said, bending down to kiss Emma’s cheek. He then turned to me and held out his hand. ‘Hi Summer, great to meet you at last. I’ve heard a lot about you.’
I turned and smiled at Emma. ‘I hope she wasn’t too critical.’
‘Oh no, it wasn’t Emma.’ Henry grinned at me and tightened his grip on my hand. ‘Anyway, who’s for another drink?’
‘I’ll come with you,’ Emma gushed and jumped up, latching herself onto Henry by the lips.
Roman gave a low laugh as he slipped into the booth beside me. He leaned into me, took hold of my chin and then kissed me. I was right about that look: my knickers combusted. It was exactly the right amount of pressure, enough tongue action, some gentle nipping at my lips and a hand tugging in my hair for good measure.
‘Hey,’ he whispered as he slowly pulled his lips away from mine.
‘Hey,’ I gasped. ‘You okay?’
‘Yep, I am now you’re here,’
He leaned forward and kissed me again. This time not only were my knickers still blazing away, but I think he actually set my bra alight too.
‘Wow,’ I whispered.
‘Yeah, well, I’ve missed you.’ Roman took my hand and started to play with my fingers, spinning the wide silver band on my right ring finger. ‘I thought you were coming with your sister, Pippa, tonight.’
‘No, she bailed. I think she’s got a new man. So, how did it go with Tiff?’ I asked. ‘Your text said it went okay.’
Roman nodded and closed his eyes mo
mentarily. ‘I should never have said yes to Caroline,’ he sighed. ‘I really hurt Tiff, Summer. She seems okay with me, and said she understood why, but the conversation was a little bit stilted. Things still aren’t right between us.’
I’d been the one left with a sobbing Tiffany in the office, so I knew how hurt she had been. At least now he’d realised it too.
‘So how did you leave things?’
‘I’ve promised I’ll talk to Caroline. I said I’ll help her find somewhere to live and then that’s it. I’ll always keep a lookout for Maisie, though,’ he stated.
I nodded. ‘That’s understandable, and I wouldn’t expect anything else from you.’
And I wouldn’t. He cared about Maisie: she was his best friend’s child.
‘God, this last couple of days has left me knackered.’ Roman kissed me softly at the corner of my mouth. ‘At least I’ve got you.’
I forced a smile, one that I really wanted to make huge and wide, but my conversation with Emma was still playing on my mind.
He was being lovely and sweet, but all I could see was a future without him when I told him about my PCOS.
‘Roman?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Why do you like me?’
I had no idea where that question had come from. I wasn’t looking for praise, I was simply trying to gauge what he was really feeling. I needed some sort of sign to let me know what I should do.
Should I give him the good news about the fact that my child-bearing hips were somewhat redundant? His answer could mean that I wouldn’t have to tell him.
He was silent, and I wondered if it was because he couldn’t think of anything. Totally irrational I know, because if nothing else he could have said the great sex. I was beginning to think he had nothing to give, when he finally spoke.
‘What’s this about, Summer?’
‘I just wondered. We spend a lot of time together, and I wondered what stops you from being bored in my company nearly every day and night. Is it because the sex is so good?’
‘Okay,’ Roman said against my ear. ‘I want to spend time with you because you’re my girlfriend, not my fuck buddy, not my booty call. You. Are. My. Girlfriend.’
