by Lucinda John
My mama was a woman first so she didn’t play that shit. Two things she didn’t tolerate; putting your hands on women, or denying a child that could possibly be yours without taking a paternity test first. When we crossed those two lines, our mother hand no problem putting her little fist to work.
“Emma tripping, how bad shit is?”
“She ready to set your house on fire, that bad. I had to lock her ass in the bedroom.”
“Damn.” I sighed.
“Yeah give her some time to cool down then handle that. If you serious about being with her like that man you can’t be on this messy type shit.”
“I hear you bruh, good looking out.”
“Anytime bruh, now get the fuck off my line a nigga tryna get his dick wet.” he replied hanging up the phone.
Tiny
WHAM!
Mayhem smacked me hard on the ass as I reached over a grabbed the bread from the shelf.
“You ain’t wearing this shorts no more.” he frowned staring at my ass.
“What’s wrong with them?” I asked looking down at my distress shorts. The shorts covered my whole ass so I didn’t see the issue Mayhem had with them.
“I don’t like the way your ass all out, you can wear them at home but in public nah.” He replied wrapping his arms around my waist kissing me on the nape of my neck.
Being with Mayhem was different, unlike Elias and Cash he gave a fuck about what I wore. I could walk out the house naked and Cash nor Elias would bat an eye; however, if I tried that shit was Mayhem he would be at my damn throat.
“What the fuck is this?” Mayhem asked picking up my Vagisil. “What’s wrong with you PH Balance, you been fucking around on me?” he asked causing me to laugh.
“The fuck you laughing for?!” he snapped.
“The PH is a scale that measures your acid-alkaline in your pussy.” I chuckled. “I like using this wash just to keep shit balanced down there, you don’t want to eat a yeasty pussy do you?” I asked.
“Hell nah, matter fact buy all them motherfuckers.” he said causing me to laugh.
When we finished grocery shopping we headed home so I could start dinner. True to her word, Jane has been conducting cooking class which I attended faithfully. I didn’t want my lack of cooking skills to be the reason my man didn’t enjoy a home cooked meal.
“It smells good in here, what you cooking?” Mayhem asked walking in the kitchen.
“Fried chicken, baked beans, potato salad and butter rolls.” I proudly replied.
“Damn my mama got you cooking just like her, shit smell fye as fuck.” he replied smacking me on the ass. “Imma be up in my office on a few business calls, holla at me when dinner is finished .” he said kissing me on the lips before walking off.
As I flipped the last of the chicken I started to feel sick to my stomach. Walking over to the kitchen sink I threw up everything I ingested for breakfast and lunch. When there wasn’t any more food in my stomach I started dry heaving and while throwing up water. I was feeling so weak that I had to lean against the sink to regain my composure. Grabbing the bleach spray, I cleaned up the mess and made sure the scent of my vomit no longer lingered in the air. I quickly finished up with dinner and headed upstairs to take a much-needed shower.
Earlier that day I had a five-dollar box from KFC and figured that was the reason I was throwing up. In the shower another wave a nausea came over and me causing me to double over and I emptied my stomach out in pain. Clenching the side of my stomach, I sat in the shower seat and allowed the water to run down my body. I tried to think back to my period which was MIA last month. I knew I was playing with fire when I started missing pills and fucking Mayhem raw but I didn’t think it would happen so soon. I was on the pill for so long that I figured I had some time before I would get pregnant again. Even so, I still made sure to take two pills making up for the day I would miss.
“Oh fuck.” I groaned as I thought of the possibilities of me being pregnant. I had already had a son that I was too afraid to have custody of, so there was no way I was going to bring another baby in this world.
I figured since Mayhem had a business trip coming up, I would set up for an abortion if in fact I was pregnant. There still was a chance that I could have gotten food poisoning from KFC. I needed that to be the reason I was feeling sick. I couldn’t fathom the thought of being pregnant again.
After gathering my thoughts in the shower, I dried off and dressed myself in one of Mayhem’s V-neck t-shirt. If I was pregnant I knew this baby would be something he would want. He was so family oriented , that a baby would be something he welcome; therefore, my best bet was to try to hide everything until I knew for sure.
“Why you look like you seen a ghost?” Mayhem asked as we sat at the table enjoying dinner.
“I’m good baby.” I replied nibbling on my chicken. I took small bites and chew my food slowly to prevent myself from throwing up again.
“This shit buss, you did your thing.” he said with a mouth filled with chicken.
“Thanks baby.” I replied.
“Why you ain’t eating?” he asked.
“I ate majority of the food while I was cooking it, I’m real full.” I lied.
“Greedy ass.” he chuckled. “Yo ass eat like you pregnant or something.” he said causing me to choke on my water.
“Bae you straight?” Yeah I’m good.
He was staring at me like he was trying to figure something out. The way he was watching me had me breaking a sweat and shifting uncomfortably in my chair. The ringing of his phone saved me from the intense stare down he was giving me, when he answered his phone and walked away I breathe a sigh of relief. I had to find out if I was pregnant quick so I could handle the situation before Mayhem found out.
*****
The positive pregnancy test had my eyes filled with tears. The reality of me being pregnant hit me like a ton of bricks. This was news some women would be ecstatic about, but for me this was like a nightmare.
“What are you going to do?” Emma asked.
“I have to handle it.” I whispered.
“Are you sure?” she asked.
“Yes, a baby is something I don’t need right now. Not when I don’t even have custody of my first born child.” I ranted.
“You should sit down with Mayhem and come clean about everything, figure this out together. This is too big to go through alone.” she lectured.
“I won’t be going through this alone because I got you.”
“Of course I will always be there for you but….”
“It’s final Emma, I’m getting the abortion ok.”
“Ok.” She lifted her hands up in the air to surrender.
“I like what you did to the place.” I said admiring the way she redecorated her apartment. Ramsey left some money with Mayhem for her to take care of the door and she ended up throwing everything out and getting her place remodeled .
“Thanks, that’s the least his dumb ass could do.” she rolled her eyes.
“You still ain’t talking to him?” I asked.
“I’m done with Ramsey, the only reason why he ain’t in my face is because I had his mother on speed dial.”
“Damn girl. I’m sorry you’re going through this.” I replied wrapping my hands around her.
Emma was going through a bad break up and my selfish ass was crying in her ear about a baby I got pregnant with due to being irresponsible. I felt like shit, having her be strong for me when I needed to be the cry for her to cry on. The moment Emma was in my arms all the fight left her body, and she started crying. My friend was hurting, and I was willing to put my shit to the side in order to console her.
*****
"You sure you want to do this?" Emma asked pulling into an empty parking spot.
"Yes." I nodded, trying my hardest to blink back the tears.
Getting an abortion scared me shitless but not as much as it did having another baby. It wasn't that I feared Mayhem wouldn't handle his responsibi
lities like a man, because in reality he would. In fact, he was such a wonderful father to his kids, Malia, Mariah and Mace that this baby would be spoiled rotten with love. I was the real problem. I feared being a mother because I wasn't much of one to the child I already had.
As I walked to the front to sign in, my phone began to ring like crazy. The "Hey There" ringtone let me know that it was Mayhem blowing up my line. The more I would ignore his calls the more he would call so I decided to answer just so he wouldn't summon his crew to go on a man hunt for me as he did before.
"Hello?" I answered in a hush tone.
"Aye where the fuck you at whispering and shit and why the fuck you ain't answering the phone?" Mayhem barked so loud that I had to remove the phone from my ear.
The look on the ladies face that sat in the small waiting room let me know that they heard Mayhem lasting out at me. Quickly making my way to the bathroom, I locked the door and sat on the toilette. Taking in a deep breath I prepared to recite the same lie that I practiced before I left.
"I told you my grandmother had a doctor's appointment, I can't be all these folks office talking on the phone and shit." I huffed with a hint of attitude to make my lie believable.
"That's your word?" he asked as if he knew something I didn't.
"Yes Mayhem damn, do you want to talk to her?" I asked holding my breath praying that he wouldn't say yes.
"Nah you good handle your business and hit me up when you're done." he said before the phone beeped indicating that he had hung up on me.
"Whew." I sighed washing my hands and face.
My hand trembled as I pulled down a few paper towels to dry my hands. For some reason I was jumping and anxious. I just wanted to get the procedure done so that I could drown my pain in a bottle of Hennessy while I held enough weed to make me forget about the terrible act I was about to do.
When I walked back in the waiting room, It was as if all eyes were on me. Sucking my teeth, I walked to the front to complete the signing in process.
"This is a cell phone free environment so you have to turn that off." The jacked up nurse rudely said before handing me a clipboard stacked with forms.
"Yeah whatever." I rolled my eyes, snatching up a pen from the cup.
I walked to the back where Emma was now sitting and began filling out the forms. Although Emma was pro- life, she never judged me. She didn't stuff a bunch of bible verses down my throat or make me feel like I was less of a woman. Her only request was for me to think about everything and consider speaking with Mayhem before getting rid of his child.
Once I was sure every form was completed and signed, I walked to the front and handed it to a new nurse that had a more pleasant look on her face. I was happy that pit bull looking bitch was gone because one more slick word and I would have flipped the table on her ass.
"That'll be 345" The nurse said with a smile after looking through my paperwork and making sure everything was filled out.
Pulling out my credit card, I swiped it denying my receipt. I didn't want any traces of this abortion to follow me back home. I knew for a fact Mayhem wouldn't hesitate to kill me if he found out I aborted his baby.
"Speaking of the devil." I sighed once his ringtone started to bounce off the walls of the small clinic.
The nurse gave me the side eye and before she could say anything, I turned my phone off.
"Thank you. Have a seat and the counselor will call you." she said with that smile still on her face. It amazed me that a person working with a bunch of women coming to get rid of their "problem" could smile so wide. Shrugging my shoulders, I walked back to my seat and handed Emma my now powered off phone.
"Mayhem?" she asked
"Yes. Uhhhh." I frowned
"Maybe that's a sign."
"Emma, I'm not keeping this baby!" I snapped.
"Tiny you're a great mother you have to give yourself credit."
"Who mother am I Emma? My baby calls my grandma "mama" I ain't shit! My mama wasn't shit, now I'm just like her, a ain't shit bitch." I sucked my teeth.
"Who pays all your grandma bills? Who make sure Elijah has everything he needs? Who bust their ass day by day make life changes just to make sure her family good? You!! Take credit for that shit Tiny cuz that's all you. I see so much growth in you! You're no longer that naive sixteen-year- old popping pussy for a come up. You're a grown ass woman Tiny. You've made your mistakes; now it's time to forgive yourself." she said causing some unwanted tears to burn my eyes.
"Shut up Emma." I snapped waving her off.
"Tineah Thomas!" A nurse called out my government causing me to jump out my seat as if it was on fire. Emma was starting to get to me with her words, she was trying to get me to crack but it wasn't happening. I refused to let this baby suffered like Eden did. I refuse to let my child go back to the state because I wasn't fit enough to card for it. This baby was better off without me.
"Hello I'm Jassini, and I'm going to be asking you a few questions." A slender lady said in a deep French-like accent.
"Ok." I nervously replied taking a seat. I fidgeted with my fingers while chewing on my bottom lip in attempt to keep calm.
"Are you being abused by anyone?" she asked catching me off guard.
"No." I replied raising my brow to show my confusion.
"Relax, these are formal questions we ask before the procedure." she said sensing my confusion.
"Uh huh." I nodded giving her the ok to continue.
"Is there anyone forcing you to get this abortion."
"No." I replied again.
For ten minutes she asked me questions, and performed a brief "counseling" session. Once she was done, we went over conception to avoid this from happening again. After I was cleared, a nurse brought me to a back room where I peed in a cup, had an ultrasound done, and was now waiting on the Doctor to do his thing.
As I laid in the bed with my legs propped up the words "do you want to see your baby?" Keep running through my mind. I wasn't sure why the nurse would ask that knowing damn well I didn't want the baby. I wanted to look so bad, but I declined. Seeing the baby on screen would only make my hurtful decision even more painful.
My eyes were shut tight trying to avoid looking at all the posters that were on the wall when I heard the door swing open. I knew it was the doctor coming to suck the life that was growing out of my but I couldn't bring myself to open my eyes. The closer the footsteps came the harder it was for me to breathe, it suddenly felt like the walls were closing in on me. My conscious was now starting to get the best of me, encouraging me to put a stop to all of this.
The feeling of a cold piece of metal against my temple caused my eyes to pop open. Looking up, I almost peed on myself seeing Mayhem stand over me with a cocked gun to my head. His eyes were now a charcoal color a he stared down at me with so much hatred. His chest rose and fell as he clenched his jaw and pushed the gun harder into my temple.
"Your tryna kill my baby?"
Mayhem
The thought of Tiny killing my unborn child had me goin’ crazy. She knew I was a great father to my kids so I didn’t understand why she would want to abort my baby, unless the baby wasn’t for me. Thoughts of Tiny fucking another nigga then getting pregnant and me seeing red and ready for blood.
“Is that my fucking baby Tiny? Please don’t lie to me because I’m about ready to bust a cap in ya ass!” I snapped.
“Yes.” she whispered.
“So why the fuck are you trying to kill my damn baby?”
“I can’t be a mother! I ain’t even a mother to my son, how the fuck am I going to be a mother to this baby?” she cried.
“What the fuck you mean your son?” I asked yoking her up in the air.
“I have a son, Elijah.” she sobbed. “I lost custody of him twice so now my grandmother has custody of him.”
“When the fuck you were going to tell me this shit?”
“I’ve always sheltered Elijah from my lifestyle because I am ashamed of myself. I didn’t w
ant him to grow up with the embarrassment of him having a hoe for a mother. I was sick a tired of fucking up with him, the state was always in and out of my house I’m an unfit mother! He doesn’t deserve that, this baby don’t either.”
“I can’t believe this shit.” I said tossing her ass to the side of the room.
I really wanted to beat her ass, but she was carrying my baby. I was at lost for words as I leaned my frame against the wall looking down at Tiny with disgust. I somewhat understood where she was coming from, but that was her past. I was building a future with her and she should have told me about her son when I introduced her to my kids.
