by SM Soto
When Aliza accidentally insulted Sam, I knew immediately she never meant to hurt her, but you can never be too careful with what you say, especially with Samantha. I’ve learned that the hard way. After the life Sam has had, one would think she’s strong and resilient. Don’t get me wrong, she is all those things, but she also has small chinks in that armor she’s built, and sometimes, all it takes is one misplaced word to set off the ticking time bomb inside her.
When I met Sam, my first impression of her was the same as most other people—crass, promiscuous, vulgar. But after I got to know her, the real girl behind the persona, I understood why she felt she had to act a certain way. It was her defense mechanism. After dealing with a druggie mother, being passed from foster home to foster home—that can really take a toll on someone’s life. Just as it has with Samantha. Somedays, I can’t help but be angry with her and the way she acts. Especially with Alex. He’s in love with her. He has been since the day he met her. I know that. But Sam doesn’t care about feelings or attachments. It’s all about the now. What can she get out of it right now? But then I have to remember she isn’t like me or anyone else. I know that for her, keeping Alex at a distance is what she thinks is safest for him. I don’t know if she thinks she’s protecting Alex from herself, or she’s protecting herself from Alex. One of these days, he’s going to get tired of only being a sleeping arrangement for Sam. And when that day comes, I don’t know what Samantha will do, because even when she tries to deny it, I know she’s in love with him too.
***
My hand starts to cramp from the firm hold I have on my pen as I jot notes down for my Clinical Psychology class. Just as I flip the page of the textbook in my lap, the phone vibrates loudly on my nightstand. Craning my neck to the side, I see my dad’s contact picture flash across the screen. Blowing out a deep breath, I swipe right, and bring the phone to my ear.
“Hey, Dad.”
“Hey, Nat. How’s everything?” My dad’s deep voice travels down the line.
“Pretty good. Just busy with school and work. The usual. How’s everything at home?” I flip my textbook shut and lean my back against the headboard, getting comfortable. I’m not entirely sure what Dad’s calling to say. We don’t have the closest of relationships. The only time we make an effort to see each other is on special occasions, holidays, or someone’s birthday. We’ll call each other every once in a while to catch up, but I have a feeling this conversation has nothing to do with that.
I pluck little pieces of lint off my yoga pants, trying to distract myself from the awkwardness I feel. “Oh, you know, the usual. I was just checking on you. Wanted to see how you were doing.”
There’s an awkward, pregnant pause before my dad cuts to the chase.
“So your sister says you’re seeing someone.”
I roll my eyes and grind my teeth together.
“She’s wrong, I’m not seeing anyone. Luke is a friend from class. We’re working on a project together. That’s it.”
God, I hate that I have to explain myself to everyone like I’m some little girl.
“Honey…don’t you think it’s insensitive to befriend Gina’s ex-boyfriend? She made it sound like they were very much in love before you came along and put distance between the two of them.”
I scoff in the most unladylike way. “They were never even together, Dad. She lied. Like she always does.”
“Natalia.” His voice has that stern tone to it that it gets whenever it comes to an altercation with my sister.
“C’mon, Dad, you know me better than that. Do you really think I’m capable of stealing Gina’s boyfriends? You know the only thing I’m interested in right now is finishing school.” I try to keep the anger out of my voice, but I’m not sure I succeed. I can’t believe my father thinks I would do something like that.
“You’re right, Natalia, I’m sorry. How about you stop by and visit sometime soon? It’s been a while since we’ve seen you.”
By “we” my father means him, because I’m certain my stepmother Lisa and my sister Gina are glad I haven’t been around. Especially my stepmother. When I was younger, it was obvious she hated me and what I represented to her and her “perfect” little family, but back then she at least made an effort to hide it. Not now. Now, she makes no effort to hide her distaste for me. That’s one of the main reasons I don’t visit my dad as often as I should.
“Right. I’m sure everyone in that house is dying to see me walk through those doors.” Sarcasm drips from my voice.
“Don’t act like that,” he warns. “I raised you better than that. I just think it would be nice for you to stop by and visit. Say hello to everyone. Maybe even apologize to your sister.”
My muscles tense and I force myself to take deep breaths so I don’t lose it. It doesn’t work. Not one bit.
“Why the hell would I do that? I did nothing wrong! Is this the only reason you called? So I can apologize to Gina for being friends with a guy who doesn’t like her—well I’m sorry, but that isn’t happening.”
My grip on the phone tightens, and I fight back the burning behind my eyes. “I’ve gotta finish studying. Bye.” I don’t wait for him to respond. Instead, I hang up and toss my phone. I rake my hands through my hair and pull tightly, relishing in the sting on my scalp. My eyes burn with unshed tears, and anger boils in my veins. I hate feeling like this. I hate always coming second to Gina. Even though I’m the one in college, paving the way for myself and my career—while Gina does God knows what—it’s still not enough for my dad to notice me. I wish Sam was here. She always knows what to say to make me feel better.
My phone vibrates on my bed, and I blow out a sigh. If that’s my dad calling again so soon, I won’t be able to control the words that fly out of my mouth. I debate on whether I should answer it or not. With a huff, I pick up my phone and frown at the name on the screen. Luke.
“Hello?” Loud noise erupts on the line, I can’t help but scowl. I knew I shouldn’t have answered. I’m in no mood to talk to Luke right now.
“Hey Hershey squirt, you busy?”
“Why?’ I ask skeptically. “Wait, did you seriously just call me a Hershey squirt? You’re such an ass.”
He chuckles down the line. “I’m hilarious. Don’t fight me on this.”
“Of course you are. What is it you want, Luke?”
“The guys are throwing a party here. Can I chill at your place till it’s all clear? I got homework and shit to work on.”
I never thought the day would come when Luke Caldwell rendered me speechless, but I’ll be damned, it’s happened. Swallowing thickly, I debate on what to say. On one hand it would be nice to have some company after the shitty phone call I’ve just endured, on the other hand, I’m not sure how I feel about said company being Luke Caldwell.
Clearing my throat, I say, “Yeah, sure. I’ll send you my address.”
“Cool. See ya.”
He clicks off without a proper goodbye and I stare down at my phone like it’s a foreign object. Luke is coming here. To my apartment. Where I live.
I send him my address, then shoot up from the bed and sprint to the bathroom so I can get cleaned up before he arrives. I assess my reflection in the mirror and pause.
What the hell am I getting ready for? This isn’t a date, or anything special. This is Luke coming here because he needs a quiet space to study. No one special, just Luke Caldwell.
After a few minutes of deliberation, I decide to stay dressed in my black yoga pants and throw a v neck over my tank top so my breasts aren’t hanging out. No more than fifteen minutes later, just as I’m closing the door to my bedroom, there’s loud knocking at the front door.
“One knock was good enough, Assface,” I say indignantly as I yank the door open. Luke, who’s dressed simply in a red baseball cap, white t-shirt, and jeans, throws his head back, laughing.
“Assface? God, I love when you try to talk shit. It’s hilarious.”
I narrow my eyes at him, side-stepping
so he can come in.
“Nice. Very nice. Smells like chicks and flowers in here,” he says as he looks around the small apartment.
“That’s better than the smells wafting around your place.”
I lead him into the living room where the TV is. The Netflix guide is still sitting there, untouched. I usually watch Netflix while I study or do homework.
I know, right? Typical college student behavior.
“Well, it’s not my fault the guys I live with smell like ass and balls all the time,” he says with a shrug as he flops down on the couch right in the center.
“You smell like ass and balls half the time.”
I sit as far away from him as possible. It feels so weird having him here in my private space. I need some distance between us.
“You’re fucking lying. I take a shower twice a day, and I’ll have you know, the ladies love the way I smell.” He grins smugly, and I roll my eyes. He’s right though, I am lying. Luke smells like a damn dream. Too damn good.
“So, what are we watching?” He picks up the remote and starts scrolling through the “continue watching” queue on Netflix. Luke stops on the show How To Get Away With Murder.
“Is it any good?”
I give him a look that says, “Are you kidding?” I’m only on season one, but this show is freaking addicting.
“It’s really good. I just started it a few nights ago, and so far, I love it.”
Luke plays the last episode I left off on and we watch in silence. He asks me questions every now and again, trying to catch up with everything that’s happened so far, but overall, he seems intrigued by everything.
A bowl of popcorn and four episodes later we’re both on the edge of our seats, with eyes glued to the TV.
“So, who do you think killed Lila? Sam, Rebecca, or an unknown character? I’ve got my money on the unknown. They always do that shit in these types of shows.”
“It’s gotta be Rebecca. Or Sam. Shit.” I groan.” I don’t even know what to think anymore.”
“Wanna place a bet on it?” Luke says with a wolfish grin and I shake my head adamantly.
“No thanks. I don’t trust that you haven’t secretly found out how this ends.”
“Oh c’mon! I’m no cheater.”
I pause and give him a knowing look. He laughs, nudging me lightly in the arm.
Somehow, during our watching of the show, we managed to sit closer and closer together. Now, we’re side by side. I’m trying not to let his close proximity affect me, but Jesus, he really does smell good. It’s a mixture of laundry detergent, body wash, and fresh pines. It’s intoxicating.
“So, what happened earlier that had you so upset?” he prompts, and I swing my gaze up to his.
“What do you mean?” I search his eyes, wondering how the hell he would know something was wrong when he called. It’s not like I told him I was having a bad night.
“You sounded different when I called.” He shrugs. “I guess I just had a feeling something was up.”
His eyes are an unusual shade of green and blue right now and I’m having a hard time looking away.
“I was on the phone with my dad before you called. Things got heated.” He lifts his brows prompting me to go on. “It was about Gina. I told you she wouldn’t let it slide.” I smile sadly remembering my conversation with my dad only a few hours ago. I still can’t believe him. On that upsetting note, I shove a handful of popcorn in my mouth.
Sometimes I eat my feelings.
Luke’s brows pull down, and that cute little indent forms between them. “What happened?”
Blowing out a sigh I tell him everything. About Gina complaining to my dad, him expecting me to apologize for absolutely nothing. Luke glares in anger, tensing his jaw.
“Please tell me you’re joking.”
“I wish I was. This happens all the time, Luke. It’s not like it’s anything new,” I say with a shrug, trying to downplay how much it hurts.
“Bullshit. It’s not right. I’m sorry for saying this, but your dad sounds like a real fucking prick.”
I can’t contain my chuckle. Don’t I know it.
“I’ve learned to deal with it. I think what bothered me the most was the fact that he actually thought I was capable of stealing my sister’s boyfriend.”
“She was never my girlfriend.”
I laugh. “You know what I mean.” Dropping my head back on the sofa, my eyes train on the ceiling and sting the longer I think about the conversation with my father.
“You know what really sucks?” I ask so quietly, I’m not even sure he’ll hear me. “Everything I’ve done in my life, the good grades, getting a scholarship to SDSU, I thought finally my dad would notice me, you know? Be proud of me even.” My tone is tinged with sadness as I shift my gaze toward Luke. “My whole entire life I’ve been in second place. It’s like no matter how well I’m doing in school or at the Bar and Grille, it’s like none of it even matters to him. I mean, I went out and got myself a job during my senior year so my dad wouldn’t have to keep paying for everything, but Gina? She still doesn’t even have a job. I work my ass off at school and work, doing everything I can to be responsible just in the small hopes that he’ll notice, but he never does.” My eyes fill with tears, distorting my vision. I rapidly blink the wetness away, and silently berate myself for being so weak in front of Luke.
“Hey,” he whispers gently. He leans in ever so slightly and raises his hand toward my face, I stop breathing the second the rough pad of his thumb glides beneath my eye, catching the lone tear that has fallen. “If it’s any consolation, I think your dad is a fucking idiot.” My lips twitch. “You don’t need his approval or a pat on the back, Natalia. If he can’t see how amazing his own daughter is, there’s no hope for him. He’s not worth wasting your hopes or energy on.”
I sniff past the pressure in my nose and smile, trying to ignore the tightness in my chest. Time slows as we gaze into each other’s eyes.
Luke’s stares at me, unblinking, with his arm over the back of the couch. His muscular body is on full display, and his white t-shirt does nothing to hide the body beneath those clothes. Jesus, it’s getting hot in here. Or is it just me?
Tucking loose strands of hair behind my ear, I clear my throat loudly. “You do realize that you came over here to study, and instead we’ve been watching TV the whole time.”
“It was worth it. Plus,”—he looks down at his black watch—“it’s only a quarter till midnight. We can still get some work done tonight.”
I fight the urge to yawn in his face. I hate to admit it to myself, but I’m super tired. Although, the idea of spending a few more hours hanging out with Luke is enough to damp down my sleepiness. Anyway, sleep is for the dead, right?
CHAPTER TEN
Natalia
I mentally curse myself and Luke the next morning when my alarm goes off. I don’t have any classes today, but I do have to be at work, and since I only got a few hours of sleep last night, I’m not looking forward to faking smiles all day. I think I need coffee. A huge pot of coffee. Or crack.
Later at work during our break, Sam snarks at me, “Jesus, who the hell shit in your Cheerios this morning?” She nudges me in the arm from across the table. I shoot her a warning glare. I’ve been irritated all day. When I don’t get my usual eight of hours of sleep, I turn into a troll. I was so glad when lunch rolled around. I really needed a second to rest my feet, and possibly even rest my eyes.
“Oh, c’mon, Sam. Leave her alone, she looks tired,” Aliza says defensively in between bites of her lunch. Sam levels a glare at Aliza, then down at her sandwich, and then looks back up again. She points across the table at her.
“Ohio, I swear to God, this is the third time this week that you’ve tried to tell me off, and I don’t like it. I think your relationship with CJ has made you a little ballsy.”
Aliza actually laughs, reaches across the table, and lightly pinches Sam’s cheeks. “Oh, Sammy, don’t pretend you don�
�t love my sass,” she says with a smile and wink. I can’t help but laugh, because seriously, this girl has transformed during her short time here at the Bar and Grille.
“As an apology, you can have my sandwich because I know you’re about two seconds away from complaining about its size, and how it isn’t fair that I always get the bigger sandwiches, so here you go.” She slides her plate across the table to Sam with a sweet and knowing smile.
Sam purses her lips thoughtfully for a beat before shrugging. “Apology accepted.”
I cast a look at Aliza and she smiles in return. Typical Sam.
“So, are any of you assholes ever going to ask how things are going with my new guy? The lawyer,” Sam says with a devious smile and I groan. I’m just too tired to listen to this.
“I honestly don’t want to know, Sam. Plus, you already know how I feel about you dating around. You have a good man who loves you, why isn’t that enough?”
Sam rolls her eyes at me. “Alex isn’t relationship material, and he doesn’t love me. We’re too much alike. That’s why our sleeping arrangements never work out, because we drive each other fucking nuts.”
I shake my head. “No, you guys don’t work because you don’t know how to not be in control all the time. Alex takes away your control and makes you feel helpless. Don’t fight me on this, I know I’m right.”
“You know who else knows how to take control? James,” she says with a saccharin grin. “He loves to tie me up, and leave me powerless. Last night he—”
“Sam!” Aliza and I groan in unison.
“Please, I really don’t want to hear about what the lawyer did to you while you were tied up.”
“Me either,” Aliza chimes in with an uncomfortable look on her face.
“You guys fucking suck,” Sam says, sulking in her seat.
We finish off the rest of our lunch, thankfully without having to hear the sordid details of Samantha’s sex life. I’m seriously not a prude. I’ve heard sordid details before, but this time I just can’t stand it. For some reason, James the lawyer, gets under my skin. I met him once and honestly, he didn’t leave the greatest impression. He treated Sam and me like we were children, which compared to him, I guess we kind of are. But it wasn’t only that, no—I don’t like the way he looked at Sam. He doesn’t stare at her like a man smitten. He looks at her like she’s nothing, just a way to pass the time. I know Sam isn’t interested in marriage and the happily ever after, but shouldn’t she at least want to be with someone who looks at her like she’s everything? I’ve tried telling her how I feel, but of course, Sam brushes my comments under the rug and ignores them completely. Whatever Sam wants to do, she will do. Repercussions be damned.
