by Jason Conley
“I was just walking and ended up here,” she said. Her eyes could not hide what she had seen only moments before. David knew she had seen. David put his hand on hers. She turned hers so she their palms could touch. He leaned in and touched his lips to her forehead. Her eyes closed.
“You should really be home,” he said brushing a few strands of hair her from her face.
“Come with me, David.” Carissa took a step back from the window.
“Where?” David said. He looked at the clock, 12:15.
“Somewhere safe,” Carissa said. She cupped his other hand and pulled.
“Just a minute.” David went back to his door. He opened it and looked down the hall. Mrs. Shelton’s eyes were buried in some paper she was sure to give an F. He looked back at the window. He saw Carissa with her back turned. He noticed her shiver. He reached in the closet, grabbed a jacket, and climbed out the window. Nothing could hurt when he was with her.
16
David put his jacket on Carissa’s shoulders as she watched the ground. She counted the cadence of her feet as they propelled her forward. The image of David on the workout bench, the site of the blood trickling down David’s side, and the pooling on the synthetic leather upholstery ran over and over. She searched for anything to talk about other than what she had seen.
The burning in David’s back cooled with every small breeze. Embarrassed but happy, he reached and found Carissa’s hand.
“Why does she do it?” Carissa asked. She still could not look at him.
“She hates me,” David said. “I think.” David made a few inaudible sounds. Carissa let them fade into the night. “I…” David went silent. He listened to the clacking of the pavement, dogs barked in the distance. A cat circled a street pole swatting at something David could not make out. The air had grown noticeably colder, though they had only left a few minutes before. “My father,” David said.
Carissa finally looked at him. She was more than a little surprised at his statement. “David,” Carissa said.
“Well, I didn’t do anything to make her hate me,” he said almost defending himself. “It was my father.”
“How?”
“It started when I was twelve. My dad left me and my mom a few years before; she found out later it was for another woman. That woman was pregnant. Couple weeks later, I got caught watching MTV and the first,” David looked for a word to call it but couldn’t find it, “well, you know.
“She told me how I looked like my father and that I was probably going to leave her, too. She said she had a vision from God,” David knew he sounded crazy,” when she was reading her bible, and that He told her to use the rod. The Rod,” David laughed to himself. “That’s what she calls the ‘special’ knife. God didn’t tell her to do it. She just lost it. She started calling me a fornicator and heathen -- she just lost it.” David’s voice cracked. Silence and the occasional bark took over talking were David stopped.
The night was cool but rich with the smell of dying honey suckle trees and winter approaching. With every breath, David took in the sweet smell of Carissa. He savored the touch of her hands. When the wind would shift, Carissa’s hair brushed against his cheek. David enjoyed its feathered caress.
They came upon a wooded area just a couple of miles from the start of their midnight journey. Carissa watched the passing trees because the path to their final destination was near. “This way,” she said pulling him toward the woods.
They walked down a trail that was lined with the autumn trees. All the leaves were brown. The moonlight was David and Carissa’s only guide into the copses. David admired the way the light would gleam off Carissa’s hair. He did not know where she was taking him, but he somehow knew that this was only hers, no one else had been here with her. He was the first.
The trail twisted around trees David thought could be at least 200 years old. The path was not worn but he could tell it had been walked several times. The trees were thick but the falling leaves gave way for the stars to shine through. As they walked further from the city lights, the few stars became many and the night’s illuminants were brighter than he had seen before tonight. The trail twisted one last time then released David and Carissa into a meadow with tall grass and several broken down recliners. The stars were now even brighter. No light from any unnatural source could be spotted, at least not above the tree line. They were in nature. They were nature.
“This is where I go when I just want to be alone.” She breathed deep and looked around. “I’ve spent a lot of nights out here just looking up at the stars and thinking about my mother, wondering if she ever looks down at me. I lay in the grass in the summer time and feel the energy leak into me,” Carissa let go of David’s hand. She ran into the middle of the open and laid down. She raised her head, “Come on,” she said waving to him.
David walked to her while taking in the sky. The blue and white stars, the occasional red flash, and the night was divine. The word is divine. The surrounding trees were no more than dark masses that lined the bottom of the night sky, their patterns swaying in the wind. How can something so wonderful exist in something so cold? He sat down beside her, crossing his legs.
“So what do you think,” she said as she raised up onto her elbows.
“It’s beautiful,” The moon’s light glistened in Carissa’s eyes, “just like you.” David said.
Carissa rose to a sitting position. She looked at this boy who called her beautiful. He meant it, she knew it. He was beautiful. The things that she loved before she met him were fading rapidly. He was the only thing that mattered beyond Lea and her father. She watched as he looked at the cloudish cluster of stars overhead. “David,” she said half whispering.
He looked at her tenderly. “What?” he asked.
Carissa thought about kissing him. She wanted to more than anything she had ever wanted to do. She closed her eyes and built the courage to lean toward him, just as her father’s face flashed. The courage shattered, the moment lost. “Are we normal?” she said, trying to retrieve a little dignity.
“You, know Carissa, we might be. Every family has situations that are kept at home. We just have some of the bad ones. I don’t think that we are wrong, just unlucky, I guess.”
“Daddy didn’t touch me tonight. Casey and him had a fight. I must have really hurt him this time, David. He always comes in when they have a fight, always. I don’t know what to do. I really disappointed him.” David understood why she felt the way she did. No matter what happened, Randy was still her father. She still loved him. David still loved his mother.
“Destiny deserved it, Carissa, and you don’t deserve what he does to you. It’s not your fault that your mom died. It’s not your fault that you look like her. It doesn’t give him the right to touch you like that,” David said. He looked down at his crossed legs.
Carissa had never heard anyone but her father defend her. She touched David’s shoulder, “David.” He looked up and she leaned forward. Their lips touched. David had never kissed a girl. He did not know what to do, so he wrapped his arms around her. He pulled her closer to him. Carissa opened her mouth slightly to let David feel her breath. He took in part of her and her of him. Carissa gently pulled back. She looked into his eyes. They both smiled. David leaned back in. Every movement, every touch, every breath was to take in as much of her as he could. He ran his finger down her cheek and touched the nape of her neck. Carissa pulled back again with a giggled. David smiled.
“Did I do it right?” David said.
Carissa said nothing. She smiled and leaned in for another kiss from this boy who had opened her. David didn’t refuse.
They had kissed for what seemed a brief moment before moving to the broken recliners. Carissa draped across David’s lap, her arms around his shoulder. They sat cheeks touching. David stared at the heavens thinking about God and the vastness of His universe. But he was also mad at God for what his mother had become. It was not God’s fault and David knew that. He just needed something
to blame his life before and to thank for his life now.
“You ever think about what’s out there, Carissa?” David asked.
“All the time,” she did not hesitate.
“Sometimes, when mother is in one of her fits, I think that there is probably somewhere out there that’s perfect. Nothing wrong with anything but for the simple fact that I’m not there.” David gently pushed her legs off his and stood up. “I wish there was a place like that. A place where dads don’t leave, mothers don’t die, and a person’s mind can’t twist into a little pile of destructive thoughts that define their children’s lives. I really wish we didn’t have to hurt.” David sat back down next to Carissa.
“Hope,” David continued. “It’s actually an amazing word. There is so much meaning in the strange arrangement of the four little letters. People lay their lives on the line for that little word. People will stand in front of a bullet. They will uproot their lives because of it. Here we are in the woods, dreaming about it.” David stood again and walked a few yards away from Carissa. In Silhouette, she watched his arm rise, hand rubbing his face.
“You know,” David hollered, “it’s not my fault that my dad left. It’s not your fault your mom died. But who gets the blame? We do. In the end, that’s all we are…blame.”
“David, come back over here,” Carissa said delicately. She knew he was crying. She wanted to cry but was afraid. She was afraid that she would have to be one Carissa if she let David’s words completely in. She would not be able to separate day and night Carissa. But, she also knew that he was telling the truth.
David walked back and sat down in the chair. “Carissa, do you ever ask yourself what your life is for? What purpose is it serving? Would it really matter if we were one day…gone.”
“David that question has been asked for years. Every fucked up psychologist and school counselor asks that question. I just tell them that life is a chain of the most fucked up events that God can come up with and neither you nor I have any control over it. That’s why I am this way. Coping is all you can do. Nobody gives a shit about what is happening as long as they don’t have to look at it. As long as their name is not attached to it!” David understood what she was saying but did not want to believe it or have it be the definitive answer to his life nor hers.
“I ask myself those questions every day. And the answer has always been the same, until I met you. You think I would have ever snuck out in the middle of the night before?” David said trying to turn his own subject.
“I know you wouldn’t have,” Carissa answered, they both laughed.
“You got me, Carissa. You’ve got me,”
Carissa looked at David and smiled, “Well, David, I didn’t know I was such a bad influence on you,” She said as she climbed over his legs.
17
The morning light broke over the neighbor’s gable and shone through the still open curtain of Carissa’s window. She and David had parted ways only two hours before and only because the early morning chill had become more than their combined body heat could bear. Plus, their lips were raw from kissing, only kissing. Carissa had crept through her window because coming through the front door was sure to wake Randy who was still on the couch in front of the television. Only, he had gained enough consciousness at some point to maneuver his feet onto the sofa. She knew Casey would not be happy either. That is, if Casey was awake. But really, Carissa could give a fuck-all about Casey.
Lea’s giggling woke Carissa more than the daylight, although the sunshine did push her to reality. Carissa grunted as she stretched and decided, it is way too fucking early. Carissa eased from her bed making sure not to disturb any underlying cricks or strains that had not quite manifested themselves. She looked down at the dirt on her All-Stars then to David’s jacket hanging from the back of her chair. She touched her feet to the floor and more or less stumbled to her desk. She picked up David’s jacket and sat down. She held it to her face and rubbed it so as to feel the smooth fabric stimulating her pores. She could smell David, almost as if he were standing in the room. And trees, she could definitely smell trees. Picking up her pencil, she wanted to write something, anything about her night. She wanted to describe the way he trembled as her first touch met him, the way his body relaxed when he knew her touch was warm, and his stride as they paced through the night, and his finally expressed passion. Then, she noticed blood spots on the inside lining. She placed her pencil back on the desk.
Carissa sat for a moment silent, but speaking to Jen. Carissa knew that Jen was not hearing her but it helped all the same. She knew she would not get the motherly responses that she wanted but she talked anyway. She did not see a vision and her mother did not appear in her room. Carissa was completely aware but she needed someone to share her thoughts and Casey was not her mother. Never was and never would be; Jen was her mom. If Carissa could only confide in the picture, then the picture she would confide.
Carissa got up from the desk and began her morning routine. She grabbed some clothes and threw them on. She went to the bathroom and brushed her teeth. She went back to her room and looked at the calendar. She looked at the date. “No,” she whispered. She flipped to the front. She was thinking she had the wrong year but she knew it was not true, and the cover confirmed it. It was the right year, month, and day.
Carissa put on her boots and left as quick as she could. She had somewhere to be.
18
Carissa walked fast, almost jogging, across the parking lot. The wind blew through her hair and her stomach churned. She trembled as the automatic doors opened. She felt like everyone was watching her as she made her way through the store. She looked from isle to isle, hoping they had it, and hoping, if they did have it, she had the money.
Corn, green beans, carrots, milk, coffee, cough syrup, aspirin, and finally the box she was looking for. She checked her pockets for the twelve dollars it was going to cost; she had it. She looked up and down the aisle before picking it up.
Carissa held it close to her as she made her way to a checkout counter. She stood in line wishing they had self-service checkouts but modern technology had not reached this particular store. Carissa would have to do buy it the old fashioned way.
Carissa placed the box on the counter and held her head low. She heard the beep of the scanner. “Will that be all?” the cashier said, not polite.
“Yes, ma’am,” Carissa said as she pulled several bills out of her pocket. Carissa handed the cashier the money without hearing a total. The cashier gave her the change and a plastic bag. Carissa hurried out of the store.
Carissa took the box out of the bag and put it in her pocket. She did not want any questions. Only the cashier knew and that was too many people.
Carissa was a little calmer, not walking quite so fast. She made her way through the parking lot, dodging a car or two and maneuvering around baskets. “Carissa,” she heard from behind. April trotted to catch up. “What’s up, man?”
“Hey,” Carissa said. She trembled as her heart instantly raced. Her knees where shaking, a bead of sweat rolled down her cheek.
“So how did your dad take it?”
“He was pissed but better than I thought he would,” Carissa said. She did not want to be here having this conversation. She needed to be somewhere else taking care of what was in her pocket.
April could tell Carissa was uncomfortable. Something big was going on or maybe it was something Carissa was making too big, but either way April could tell. “You should come to the party tonight. I already stopped by the blunt shop and got our provisions and beer is already going to be there. We are all set girl.” April nudged Carissa. Carissa pushed with the corners of her mouth but could not get the “oh fuck” off her face. April knew not to put any more pressure on Carissa. April could see there was enough.
“I might, but right now I need to get home. Dad was still pretty mad when I left this morning. If you don’t see me there, you’ll know why.” Carissa took a few steps back from April.
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br /> “Ok, man. See ya later,” April said.
“Bye,” Carissa said.
Carissa jogged across the four lanes of traffic. Cars were minimal on Saturdays before noon and this Saturday was no different. She turned down her alley shortcut just as she heard April scream for her one last time, “Carissa,” she turned back to April, “It’s going to be ok.” April waved and Carissa turned back down the alley. She needed to get home.
Carissa watched the clock. The second hand slowed with every count, but finally it was time. Her legs were heavy. The hallway seemed to stretch. The door to the bathroom opened easier than it had before. She bent down and opened the cabinet under the sink. She pulled the stick out of the small cup and held it in her hand. She closed her eyes and made a silent prayer before unclasping her fingers. She looked at the box one last time just to make sure she knew which color was which. She looked back down. It was blue. She was pregnant. She threw the stick and took the second test that came in the box, blue again. Confirmed. “Oh my God.” She was everything Casey had said she was, trash. Her father would now be the grandfather of his own child and Carissa would be the mother.
Carissa sat down. She was numb. She could not think. She stared at the linoleum floor. Nothing was going to ever be normal. Carissa looked at the test one more time. “No, no, no,” She pleaded. This cannot be happening. This cannot be fucking happening. What about David? What about me? What am I go to do? This is disgusting. Oh my God. What fuck am I going to do? That fucking bastard!
In that moment, she hated Randy. He ruined her, he raped her, and when she thought something beautiful had come into her life, he impregnated her. I’m pregnant.
Carissa shoved the second test into her pocket and walked out of the bathroom. She listened. The television blasted a laugh track. Someone was probably watching television since it was on. Of course, there was a chance that no one was in the living room. She did not want to see anyone. She needed to leave. If there was someone in there, she hoped they were so enveloped by the programming they would not notice a pregnant teen trying to sneak out the front door on a Saturday morning trying to hide the fact that she was having father’s next child, her next sibling/ incestualized progeny.
