by Arizona Tape
The fight was over. We won. We slaughtered every last person attacking us. They were all lying on the cold forest floor, their lifeless bodies a symbol of our victory. It was beautiful. Death was beautiful.
Wait.
What was I thinking? Death was beautiful? That didn't sound right? That didn't sound like me.
A pair of desperate blue eyes suddenly caught my attention. Ashleigh. Her face was painted with a look that I couldn't place. Why was she staring at me like that? Why didn't she look proud? I just saved everyone? Why wasn't she celebrating with me? Why did she look so terrified? The danger had passed. I had ended the battle. Why was she still scared?
I turned around, wondering what she could possibly be looking at. Maybe there was someone trying to attack my back?
But no. There was nobody else. All our enemies were lying defeated on the ground. There was no one else she could be scared of. Unless... Was she scared of me?
No, that couldn't be. I was her mate, she had no reason to fear me. I would never hurt her. No, I did all this to protect her. This was my way of keeping her safe. Yet... She looked absolutely terrified.
Why was she opening and closing her mouth the whole time? Was she gasping for air?
I focused on her mouth, trying to decipher the movement of her lips. "A... ki... ra." I mumbled, reading her words. "Akira."
Akira. That was me. Ashleigh's mate. Akira.
Ashleigh looked in pain. Why was she in pain? Was it my fault? Was my Alpha pushing her down? Was I hurting her? I didn't want to hurt her. Not Ashleigh.
I looked at the man I was still holding. He had soiled his pants and his tears felt hot on my hand around his neck. I didn't want to hurt him either. I didn't want to hurt anyone. That wasn't me. No, that wasn't Akira.
I should put this man down. I should.
But Aspen's Alpha wouldn't have any of that. Mercy was wasted on him. As soon as that thought flashed through my mind, I could hear the Alpha growl in my ear. My fingers twitched involuntarily and my grip on him tightened.
Put him down. I told myself, willing my hand to release his neck. My fingers cramped and refused to obey. Put. Him. Down. I tried again, my muscles spasming as I tried to regain control over my body.
The man's face was turning redder with every second as I realised I was effectively crushing his windpipe. If I kept squeezing, he would suffocate.
Down, Akira. Down! I yelled internally, glaring at my traitorous hand. Why wouldn't it just open? Why couldn't I put the man down? Was this it? The other side of Aspen's Alpha? The price you paid for the ultimate power? Was this how he felt every time he lost control? Was this what he had to fight against?
I clenched my teeth, fixating on my hand, begging for it to open. I didn't need to kill this man. I didn't want to. And I wasn't going to. Not if I could help it. If only the Alpha would start listening to me again. If only I could make him listen to me, like in the beginning. But then again, was he ever really under my command? Had I used him or had he used me?
Refusing to believe I fell victim to Aspen's cunning Alpha, I bit hard on the inside of my cheek. The coppery taste of blood filled my mouth, the pain clearing my head a little. I refused to give in.
I tore my eyes away from the man I was choking and stared deep into Ashleigh's. If there was anyone who could give me strength, it was her. Her eyes were bright blue, so bright I wondered if someone had hidden a million sapphires in them. Oh, how I would love to stare in her eyes for all eternity.
The Alpha growled again, a wave of power washing over me as my grip on the man's neck tightened. At this rate, I would murder a second person before my first kill had grown cold. Was this what Aspen always had to deal with? No wonder he kept his Alpha locked up.
I glanced at him. He was standing still in the middle of the circle, sweat pearling on his forehead. He was frozen in a trance. In my trance.
I ground my teeth together. No, not my trance. Not anymore. I was no longer in control. His Alpha had taken over and we were both caught in the same haze.
Harshly, I bit down on my other cheek. More blood coated my tongue, pain shooting through me. With all the strength I had left, I silently begged Ashleigh to help me. To send her wolf to me. Helplessly, she stared back at me. Her blue eyes swimming with sadness and fear. A dread like no other settled in. She couldn't help me.
I was on my own. Ironic. Surrounded by my mates, by people who deeply cared for me, people I tried to save. And I would be my own downfall. I'd surrender to Aspen's Alpha and he would corrupt me, flood me with thoughts I never wanted to think. Fill me with feelings I despised. Turn me into the person I’d been working so hard not to become. He'd make me harsh, bitter, cruel. I would become my father. I would become who I hated most. And there was no one here who could help me and nothing that would stop it. I was all alone, just like I had been my whole life. Just me. Always only just me.
A low growl suddenly emitted from deep within me. A sound that sent a shiver throughout my whole body.
My wolf.
Of course, my own wolf. How had I forgotten about her? She’d always been here, had always watched over me. Had Aspen's Alpha even made me forgot my own animal soul?
Mate. The beast in my chest breathed, reminding me who I was fighting for again. I wasn't here to win my mother's approval. I didn't need my father's love. All I needed, all I wanted, was my mate. My mates. Ashleigh and Aspen. This was for them.
Mate. My wolf growled louder, more determined. I closed my eyes, picturing a set of amber and blue eyes, and forced my body to relax. I gathered myself and took in a deep breath. I would not let this Alpha ruin what I had going on with the twins. I would not let this Alpha tear this pack apart. I would not let it take me over. I refused.
All the power I could muster, all the will I had left, I channelled it to my hand. I would not kill this man. I would not take another life.
Pain shot up and down my arms as all my muscles cramped and with every twitch from my fingers, the man's eyes rolled deeper into his skull. If I didn't release him soon, they would stay there forever.
Come on. Come one. Come on.
With a flash, the world turned back on. All the noises came rushing in, overwhelming me as they crashed against my eardrums. With a loud scream, I yanked my hand loose, freeing the man who fell to the ground as he gasped for air.
With a frustrated growl, the Alpha retreated back into Aspen, where he belonged. His grip on me broken.
Free from the Alpha's trance, I realised how tired my body was. My right leg was trembling, the muscles in my back spasming, my thighs cramped. I was exhausted. Utterly exhausted. With a sigh, I sank down on my knees. I didn't care about the blood or soil staining my clothes. I just wanted to rest.
Before I could hit the ground, a warm body embraced me. Arms wrapped tightly around me as the scent of sweet strawberries engulfed me. Ashleigh.
"Thank the spirits, you're okay," she cried out, hugging me like she hadn't seen me in years. Abruptly, she pushed me away from her. With tears streaming down her face, Ashleigh shook my limp body. "Are you mad? You could've died!" she yelled, concern colouring her voice.
I gave her the best smile I could. "Worth it."
"You silly, silly girl. Dear heavens, I don't know what I'd have done if I lost you here," she wept, shaking her head as she feverishly tried to wipe away the tears streaming down her face.
"I'm okay," I managed to mumble, pretending I didn't realise how close I’d come to a full on disaster. If my wolf hadn't come to my rescue, I'd have no doubt that the Alpha would've tried to kill every single soul around me. Ally and enemy alike.
"You're crazy. Utterly crazy," Ashleigh whispered in disbelief, her blue eyes exceptionally clear.
"Crazy about you?" I mumbled tiredly, hoping to lighten to mood. Hoping to forget what had just happened. What I'd just done. I didn't want to think about it. Not now. Now, I just wanted Ashleigh to hug me, tell me everything would be okay, and chase my nightmares away tonight.<
br />
"Don't you try to flirt with me right now. I'm still mad at you!" Ashleigh half-yelled, but her curled up lips told me she was more relieved than actually angry at me.
"Isn't it working?"
A full smile broke through on her face. "It's totally working, but that's beside the point."
I let out a heavy sigh as my body finally gave out. Ashleigh wasn't angry at me. Everyone was still alive. It could've ended worse. With a faint smile on my lips, I fell into her. Finally, the fight was really over.
Chapter 16. The Lake
The stench of death followed us even after we left the battlefield. It was almost like it got soaked into our very beings. Or it could just be that we were all covered in blood, dirt, and sweat. Maybe just that.
In any case, I was more than happy to leave the pile of dead bodies behind. Just thinking about all the lives we took made my stomach turn. Especially when I remembered the face of my kill. The life I stole.
I shuddered and pushed the memory down. Deep, deep down, locking it in an imaginary box that I buried far away in my conscious. I couldn't afford to feel guilty. I couldn't let myself think about what I’d actually done. It would destroy me. Pretending it hadn't happened and running away from the problem was so much easier.
So I just focused on placing one foot in front of the other, moving along with the pack.
"I stink," Darren muttered, pulling up his nose as he wafted fresh air under his armpits. Elegant.
"Death isn't the best perfume, no," Danny agreed, sniffing her own shirt and almost retching from the stench.
JP nodded, picking at a spot of dried blood. "M-Maybe we should make a slight d-detour to the lake?"
"I agree with JP. At this rate, you'll all kill me with your stench. Or I'll kill myself with my own," Ashleigh mumbled, gagging as she pinched the bridge of her nose.
Interesting how after the haze of killing wore off and the battle became a repressed memory, the reek of death seemed to bother us more and more. I guess we finally had space in our heads to worry about it.
"A dip in the water would be great. I can smell all of you and I don't mean that as a compliment in any way whatsoever," I weighed in, earning a glare from Darren.
"Oi, I'm not... Oh, who am I kidding. I stink," he shrugged, waving fresh air to his face and retching as there was no clean air around us. We were just one smelly carnival of death. Now that's something you don't think often. But joking about it was easier than dealing with the fact that it was at least, partially, true.
Regan pointed to our left. "We can detour for a night. Lake should be up ahead."
Stupid ambush. If they hadn't attacked us, we might've been able to get out of the forest by nightfall. Instead, we were caught in the web of trees for at least another day. At this rate, I would never even lay eyes on the Winter Stone.
"Aspen? You okay with us rerouting?" Ashleigh asked her brother, nudging him out of his slump.
"Huh? Yeah, sure," he muttered bleakly, his eyes glazing over almost immediately. Damn, he was really taking it hard. He seemed to be having a much harder time shaking off our battle. I wondered if he had been able to follow my train of thought while I was under his Alpha's influence. Had he felt how murderous and conflicted I'd been?
I needed to talk to him about that. I needed to find out if he had seen my darkest of thoughts.
"Are we setting up camp and staying another night close to the lake?" I inquired, trying to think up a plan on how to get some alone time with Aspen. It was freaking hard to get some privacy with the whole group being so tight-knit.
Regan peered up into the sky, scratching the slight beard he’d grown over the past few days. "We should."
The whole group collectively groaned. Clearly, I wasn't the only one who was ready to get out of the forest. I was dying for a long view, unrestricted sun on my skin, and sitting down without branches poking my butt.
"A-After tonight, we should be out of the f-forest, r-right?"
The whole group looked hopefully at Regan and sighed in relief when he nodded. Thank the spirits. Only one more night trapped between the trees and then we'd get a change of scenery. Tomorrow couldn't come soon enough.
Uncharacteristically, the trek to the next camping spot was rather quiet and I was certain that everyone was processing the events of the morning. It was unbelievable that everything had transpired in such a short amount of time. It was as if time seemed to pass differently in the forest. Maybe it did. We wouldn't be the first group of travellers who never made it out of Aladwin or got completely derailed.
A memory from long ago flashed through my mind. I must've been eight or nine, but I remembered a group of men appearing from the forest with thick, uncombed beards. Later, my grandpappy explained that they'd been lost in the forest for months and had warned me to always keep a clear mind when inside the woods.
I had to admit, my mind had been heavy and cloudy ever since Aspen killed Cece. Well, Chesca. I kept using the wrong name. Chesca. Chesca. Chesca.
A refreshing swim would be good to clear my mind from the latest fog. Witnessing my first kill, feeling Aspen's command, becoming possessed by his Alpha, and having my own kill all in the span of a couple of days, were not exactly events that would keep my mind healthy.
The clearing we chose to set up camp was almost as depressing as our campsite before the cave. But it beat sleeping in the mud. At least I'd have a tent to myself. Ish. If I didn't share with Aspen or Ashleigh, that is. But the idea of crawling in a cold tent by myself definitely wasn't as appealing as being cuddled by either of the twins. It wouldn't be the worst thing to be snuggled. And we wouldn't be sleeping next to Danny and her men. I was sure they could use some privacy of their own.
I wondered how their sleeping arrangements were before I joined the group. Did Aspen and Ashleigh always bunk together? When Aspen's first mate was still alive, did she sleep in between the twins?
Jealousy twisted my stomach in a tight knot at the thought of anyone else sleeping with Ashleigh. Dear heavens, I hoped she didn't cuddle with my woman. I'd kill her all over again.
Oh wow, that was a possessive thought. I should really clear my head and think about something else. Something like Darren's food. At least, I hoped he would cook. His food was to die for. Not literally die, but close enough. Yup, something was definitely wrong with me. Instead of freaking out about all the fighting, my near-death experience, or Aspen's solemnness, I seemed to be back to my sarcastic self and making jokes about death.
My father had been right about me, I was a freak. But for the first time, I somehow didn't seem to mind. This pack seemed to be just as insane as I was and they seemed to be doing okay. Well. Relatively okay.
Walking sticks were turned into tent frames and spare furs and coats became bedding. Before long, a warm and cosy fire was crackling away in the middle of our camp. Lovely. I closed my eyes, enjoying how the warmth of the fire started relaxing my aching muscles. After the fight, my whole body had been strained and only now, I felt like I could let go of all the stress and anxiety I had been carrying. Maybe I could even have a dip before dinner.
I turned towards the group, hoping they wouldn't mind me taking an early bath. "So, where’s this lake?"
Regan pointed over his shoulder. "Just over the hill."
"You'll love the waterfall, Akira." Danny smiled, pointing towards a vague part of the forest. Wait, there was a waterfall here? I needed to see that. I wanted to see it right now. Going alone sounded like a stupid idea though. I seemed to have a knack for picking up strangers. I didn't want to repeat my fiasco with Cece. Chesca. Damn it.
I glanced from Ashleigh to Aspen. This could be a great opportunity to get some alone time with my mate, but then again, I really needed to talk to Aspen. I needed to find out if he had been able to follow my struggle with his Alpha. And besides, Ashleigh said she was okay with sharing. She explicitly asked me to help him, so she couldn't be mad at me for spending some alone time with him, right?
&
nbsp; "Aspen? Want to show me the way to the lake?" I sweetly asked Aspen, trying to catch his gaze. He stared right through me, his eyes vague like he hadn't even heard me. I placed my hand on his lower arm, his head snapping up, almost like I’d burned him. His eyes dark and hard, until he realised it was me. "I want to see the waterfall. Come with me?"
Flecks of light orange appeared in his eyes. Hesitantly, he looked at his sister, who gave him an encouraging nod. Strained, almost like an old man, he got up from his log and motioned for me to follow him. I waved at Ashleigh, sighing in relief when she gave me an enthusiastic thumbs up. Ooof, at least she understood that I was trying to help.
"Is there really a waterfall in the Aladwin forest?" I asked, trying to break the silence, cheering up a little at the prospect. I loved waterfalls, but back in my village, we didn't have any. The only one I’d seen, was when my father took me on a trip. A lump appeared in my throat as I recalled the memory. Back in the day, when he still loved me.
"There is." Aspen nodded, refusing to meet my gaze.
"What's it like?" I tried again, hoping it would spark a conversation somehow.
"Big."
I groaned. Freaking wolf. "Anything besides big?"
Aspen finally turned his head towards me. "There is water."
I snorted out loud, almost choking on my own spit. "Really? Water, Aspen?" I coughed out, hitting my chest to clear out my windpipe. Wouldn't that be ironic? Surviving a sneak attack from Chesca and making it out of an ambush, just so I could die because my uvula let me down? A death like that would fit me though. Nobody would be surprised if that was how I passed away. In fact, I could imagine a couple of people who’d be rather thrilled if I met my demise in such a foolish way. Death by spit. Yes, sounded like me.
