“I don’t know. I’ll have to think about that whole concept. But where does the content feeling come in?”
“Because in your heart you know you deserved the spanking, or consequences. When I held you afterward to comfort you while you calmed, I think you realized I’m offering you something you need.”
She looked appalled. “I need?”
He had to chuckle, but quickly turned serious again. “Yes. Like your grandfather said, I believe you are a good person. You strayed from that and were doing things you weren’t proud of. When I gave you the consequences for those things you were doing, you had then paid the price for what you’d done and felt better about yourself, which is where the content feeling comes in.”
She had a far away look on her face, obviously considering what he’d said. As she thought it through she had another question. “So how come I couldn’t—I mean, what you did, I was so angry with you that I—why couldn’t I—oh, shoot.”
He studied her expression, trying to guess what she may be trying to ask, but couldn’t come up with a thing. “Gina, go ahead and ask me. I won’t think any less of you or laugh at you, I promise. I want to try and help you.”
She sighed, looking resigned. “I know. This might be embarrassing, but I haven’t been able to figure it out on my own, so—”
“There’s no reason to feel embarrassed about any feelings you’re having. Go ahead and tell me what’s on your mind.”
“Well, when you spanked me, it hurt something awful, and I really, really hated losing control, so I told myself I hated you. But then when you were holding me, comforting me afterwards, I didn’t feel like I hated you. I mean, I wanted to jump up and run away—as far away from you as I could. But when I was sitting there, instead of feeling hatred, all I felt was content.”
“Again, keep an open mind here. I think you felt content because deep down you knew I had given you something you needed. You weren’t proud of yourself and therefore weren’t happy, but you hadn’t been able to fix the problem on your own. Therefore, you needed some help, which I know is hard to admit if you like to be in control of things. But you needed help, and I provided the help you needed. In your heart you knew it’s not only what you needed, but what you deserved. Afterward, you felt like you’d paid the price, and felt content.”
“So you’re saying when I was doing this stuff which in my heart I knew was wrong, guilt was eating away at me, and that’s why I wasn’t as happy?”
“Guilt will do that to you. It really will.”
“You said something like that before, and it surprised me then. I never thought of guilt.”
“I mentioned it when we talked about lying, and whether you were really not feeling well for those several days that we didn’t do much.”
“Yeah, that’s when it was.”
“To answer your question, yes, guilt will absolutely eat at you. I told you at the time I may never know if you were lying or not, but then again, I might. If you do something you know you shouldn’t, the more you think about it, the more guilt will make you feel bad. If you never thought of what you were doing as being wrong, it was in your subconscious only. Once you admit to yourself that you were doing something wrong, if you do it again, guilt may become a problem.”
“So if I lie about something again—”
“That’s why I said I may still find out if you were lying about being sick.”
She looked over at him, and her look was turning into a glare.
“Don’t lose your temper, missy. All I’m saying is if indeed you were lying to me about being sick, now that you’ve admitted to yourself that lying is wrong, that may bother you. Now that we’ve talked about it again, especially.”
“So you’re saying you still think I’m lying about that?”
“I’m not saying that at all. What I am saying is now that you admit that lying is wrong, if you were lying about it, the more you think about it, the more it will bother you. If you weren’t lying, it’s a moot point. Let me just say, though, if you were lying and guilt starts making you feel bad, the only way you’re going to be able to get rid of that bad feeling is to come to me and confess.”
“But then you’d spank me,” she whined.
“You’re right, I would,” he confirmed. “But afterward you would honestly soak up that content feeling when I’m holding you in my arms. You would feel whole again, having paid the price for lying. Feeling free is a wonderful feeling.”
“But you’re not saying you think I’m lying?”
“Nope. Like I said, I can’t prove you were, so I choose to believe you. If you weren’t honest with me, some day it may bother you that I choose to believe you and you know you don’t deserve that. If that happens, or anything else you may decide to lie to me about to avoid a spanking in the future, just remember, the only way to fix it and feel good again is to confess it to me and take the consequences.”
“Okay.”
“Did that answer your question? You look like you’re not quite convinced yet.”
“Is it possible guilt could have been eating at me, but I didn’t know it? I mean, I didn’t feel guilty about what I was doing. Actually, I never even thought about what I was doing. All the kids at school were doing the same thing, so it really never even crossed my mind that it was wrong.”
“That’s absolutely possible. Subconsciously you knew you deserved a spanking, or some kind of consequences, and that’s why you felt content afterward the first time. Every time after that I’m sure by the time the spanking was over you knew why you were being spanked and knew you deserved it. That’s why you feel so content afterward. Does that help explain why you feel content after a spanking?”
After taking a few minutes to think it all through, she nodded. “I think so, yes. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. While we’re talking and sorting out feelings the next several weeks, you’re going to have a lot of different feelings. I want you to understand all of them and feel comfortable with them, so it’s important that you tell me if there’s anything you don’t understand completely, or don’t quite follow. Will you do that?”
“I will. I’m finally seeing that it may not be fun while we’re talking, but I always feel better afterward, so yes, I’ll tell you if there’s something I don’t follow.”
“Good. Now, we were talking about you being horrified when I take control when we started talking about why you feel content after a spanking. Are you ready to get back to the control issue?”
She sighed, but squared her shoulders. “Yes.”
“Good. I have an idea. The recipe we decided to try for lunch today sounds like it’ll take a little time to fix. Let’s get started on that, while you digest what we just talked about. Then after lunch, when you’re comfortable with that, we can go back to the control issue.”
She looked at her watch, and agreed. It was later than she thought.
After lunch they went back to talk again. “Are you sure you’re ready to go on?”
“I’m sure. The control issue has always been a problem for me, so let’s tackle it.”
“All right. If you get tired or start feeling overwhelmed again, stop me, okay?”
“I will.”
“Okay. Let’s talk about why giving up control terrifies you.”
They talked for two hours, before Gina finally realized that control was her safety net. When control was taken from her she had no idea what would happen, and that took away her security. She felt unsafe.
Paul knew he had to help. “Do you feel safe around me?”
“Yes, until you spank me and take control away.”
“Do you trust me?”
“Yes,” she answered quickly, much to his relief.
“Then let me ask you something, and think about this a minute before you answer. If you trust me, and you know I’m the one in control when you’re getting spanked, are you sure you actually feel unsafe, or is it more that you feel uncomfortable not being in control?”
He watched her expression and could tell she was thinking, but didn’t answer, so he tried again. “Thinking about it now, in that light, do you trust me while you’re being spanked?”
She thought a while before slumping her shoulders. “Yes, I trust you.”
He released the breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. “I think this is something we need to work on, Gina. I think what’s happening is when you lose control, you panic. That’s not good. You may find yourself in a dangerous situation sometime, and you’ll need to be able to stay calm enough to think. You’re a smart lady, and I’m sure you would know what to do or not do in certain situations, but if you panic, you won’t be able to think straight.”
“How do we work on that?”
“We’ll do some more talking. The fact that you can trust me, even during a spanking, is a very good place to start. We might talk about what makes you feel secure. You can think about that some if you want, and we’ll talk about it in a couple days. Right now, though, I think we’ve done plenty for one day. Let’s take it easy the rest of the day.”
She agreed, without even arguing. She did have a lot to think about.
Paul was glad the next day was Sunday. He planned to take it easy again this Sunday, giving her time to let her heart and head catch up with each other and make sure she felt comfortable with everything they’d talked about so far. He also wanted a little time to decide on the best way to help the little lady who was now earning his respect a little more every day.
* * *
The next week went fairly smoothly. He felt like they were making good headway now. They were talking about her control issues, and she was making good progress. He tried a couple of exercises where he asked her to trust him, then did something she was not used to doing. She was starting to see that as long as she trusted him there was no need for her to panic. He was glad she trusted him more now, and was starting to get her to realize she could trust others, as well.
She earned a few spankings here and there, but she understood why each time, and didn’t fight it like she had been. He was becoming concerned, however. The more they worked together, the more he was realizing he was beginning to have feelings for her. He knew what he should do. He should be a professional and put his personal feelings on the back burner until they finished the program. But he also knew, as he’d told Gina, feelings and emotions are very strong and they don’t lie. You should listen to them.
After several days of thinking about it, he decided to do what he felt all along he should probably do, and called his boss. Jason Jenkins met his now wife, Cheyenne, when he was administering the program to her. They fell in love, and now, three years later, were obviously still very much in love.
That night he punched his boss’s number in the phone and waited anxiously. He hoped Jason would understand, and could give him some advice as to how to finish this assignment. He’d made a lot of progress with Gina, but if Jason made him back out and send someone else to finish the program, he wasn’t sure how Gina would react. He was afraid she would regress and lose much of the ground they’d gained. He didn’t want to see that happen.
“Hi, Paul. I’m glad you called,” Jason answered.
“Oh? Why is that?”
“Because Cheyenne’s been overly anxious to talk to you.”
“She has? Is she there?”
“I’m here, Paul. How are you?”
“I’m fine. Cheyenne, if you had something to ask me, you know you can call me anytime, don’t you?”
“Not this time, she couldn’t,” Jason said. “She has a theory, and I told her she was not to call you and discuss it. She can only talk to you about it if you bring it up.”
“If I bring it up?”
“Yes,” Cheyenne cut in, “so start talking. What did you call for?”
Paul could clearly hear the warning in Jason’s voice as he addressed his energetic little wife. “Cheyenne, tone it down.”
Paul was puzzled. “What if I don’t mention it? Can you give me a hint as to what it’s about?”
“Nope,” Jason said with finality. “If her theory’s right, you’ll mention it sooner or later. Now, what’s on your mind tonight? Are you having a problem, or calling to report success?”
“Uh, I guess a little of both. Gina’s doing really well now. It’s like she’s come down off her princess’ throne, and once she joined the common world, she’s really a much nicer person.”
Cheyenne giggled, followed by another warning from Jason. “So where does the problem come in then?” he asked.
“Well, the problem’s more with me,” Paul admitted.
He heard Cheyenne giggle again, and Jason groan. “What seems to be the problem?”
Paul decided to be direct. “I think I’m falling in love with her.”
As soon as the words were out of his mouth, Cheyenne cheered. “Yes! It’s about time you realized that and called us! Congratulations, Paul! Have you talked to her about it yet? What did she say?”
“Cheyenne, calm down,” Jason warned. “Let the man talk to us. There’s a lot we need to discuss here.”
“No, there isn’t,” she insisted. “Not that much, actually. Paul is in love with Gina, and you know yourself it’s no use trying to deny it or fight it. The only real issue is if she feels the same.”
“That’s enough, Cheyenne, or we’ll interrupt this call while I get your attention and remind you whose name is on this program.”
“Sorry,” she said a bit meekly. “You’re right. You two go ahead and talk now. I’ve just been excited, waiting for this moment.”
Jason’s voice softened. “I know you have, baby, and I understand. But we really do have to discuss this.” His business voice was back when he addressed Paul. “Sorry, Paul. In case you hadn’t guessed, you hit on what she’s been wanting to talk to you about.”
Paul was a little shocked. “Cheyenne knew? How?”
“After the last phone call she was grinning like a Cheshire cat, and told me I was about to lose one of my best handlers. We talked about it, and she’s been positive ever since then. She said it was just a matter of time before you realized it and were ready to admit it to yourself.”
“I can’t believe she figured that out, especially that long ago.”
“Don’t feel bad, Paul. I understand. Trust me, I understand.”
Cheyenne was giggling again as she tried to help Paul understand. “It took him a little while before he’d admit it, too, Paul, so he really does understand.”
Paul didn’t see the look Jason gave Cheyenne, but she did. She promptly gave him a big, victorious smile, and kissed him on the cheek. “Well, it did. I’m not saying that’s bad. I think you guys are so busy being the professional that you naturally deny those thoughts and feelings as long as you can. But then you realize that those things can’t be ignored, and you finally deal with them.”
Paul listened to Cheyenne, and had to smile. “Boss, I swear she sounded like one of us just now. I don’t know how many times I’ve told Gina that feelings and emotions are too strong to ignore, and they don’t lie.”
“I hear you, buddy. Where do you think she got the idea from?”
“From the wonderful man who administered the program to me,” she said with another giggle. “And he did such a good job, I fell in love with him. And of course, since he’d done such a good job with the program, he couldn’t resist me, either, once he’d taken the broken me and fixed me up.”
“Wow,” Paul said. “What an interesting way of describing it.”
“She has a way with words, doesn’t she,” Jason said with a chuckle. She laughs about it, but you’re right, there is a lot of truth in what she’s saying. Have you talked to Gina about your feelings yet?”
“No. I figured maybe I better talk to you first.”
“How do you feel about finishing the program with her?”
“Oh, I very much want to finish it. She trusts me, and that’s a big part of her problem.
She’s making great progress. I think if I quit, she’ll have a difficult time trusting someone else enough, for quite some time I’m afraid, for the program to be effective. I think it would be a real setback for her. I sure don’t want to do that to her.”
“Okay, let me ask you, do you have any idea whether or not she has similar feelings for you?”
“I don’t know. She’s never given me any indication one way or another.”
Cheyenne broke in. “You mean other than the obvious one?”
Jason turned to look at her with a confused look on his face. “What obvious one?” Paul asked.
“The one you just told us about. You said she trusts you, but it would take some time for her to trust someone else enough to make much progress. Didn’t you say that?”
“Yes, but how is that—” He paused, as he let her words penetrate his brain.
Jason was deep in thought, as well, and recovered first. “Again, she may be onto something, Paul. What do you think?”
“She may be at that,” he said as he was nodding his head. “She herself said she doesn’t normally trust people easily or quickly and didn’t understand why, but for some reason she trusts me. I know that to be true, because trust is an issue with her and we’ve been working on that. I’ve done some exercises with her, and she does in fact trust me. She’s proven it.”
“Guard that gift she’s given you,” Jason warned. “It sounds like Cheyenne’s right. She may very well have feelings for you, as well, if she’s given you her trust.”
“So what do I do now? Do I talk to her, confess my feelings and see if she has reciprocating feelings, or try to put them on hold and get as far through the program as possible before I talk to her?”
“The further along in the program you are before you have this talk, the better off you may be,” Jason said, thinking out loud.
“That’s what I’ve been telling myself,” Paul said. “If I can hold out a little more, we’ll be nearing the end of the program. That might be a better time to throw something like that into the mix.”
“That’s assuming there is a good time,” Jason said.
Gina and Paul (Last Chance Program Book 2) Page 17
