• • •
The doorbell rings and Jenna leaves. She is back with a box. I smell it and she opens it. “This is your new dog bed!” she says.
There is a bed and I lie on it.
“Do you love it?” says Jenna. I thump my tail.
She scratches me all over my body. I lean into the scratches, wherever they are.
• • •
I smell meat. It’s on the counter. Jenna and the male are talking about the meat. I am waiting.
“That’s what dogs are naturally supposed to eat.”
“Really? Does it cost six dollars a day in the wild?”
“She suffered so much before we got her, she should at least eat good food.”
“She didn’t suffer! Eunice said she was fine. And eating kibble is not suffering.”
“She obviously does not like that food, Mike!”
“I’m not feeding her this when you go back to school.”
“Fine, give her cancer. I’m not making dinner.”
“Fine, neither am I.”
“Fine. Why don’t you order one of your magical buffalo chicken pizzas?”
“Maybe I will.”
The meat is in my bowl. I eat it. It is delicious.
“Look how much she likes it,” says Jenna.
• • •
I am wet. I try to escape. Mike gives me snacks. Jenna covers me with water. I try to escape.
I am in the bedroom.
“But she smells good now,” says Jenna.
“She can smell good in the hallway,” says Mike.
“She’s lonely,” says Jenna.
“Dogs can’t be lonely,” says Mike.
“Of course they can, they’re pack animals,” says Jenna. “She wants to be near us so bad that she’s lying on the cold, hard floor.”
“It’s ninety degrees out and she’s lying on like two inches of her own hair.”
“It’s my last night with you guys for five days.”
“And you want to spend it with the dog,” says Mike. “Clearly you’re going to do what you want, so just go get it.”
“I love you, baby,” she says.
The dog bed is in the room. I lie on it.
They are moving in the human bed. I stand up to see. They are licking each other. They are moving around. It smells good.
Mike looks at me.
“The dog is watching us,” he says.
“So?” says Jenna.
“I can’t concentrate.”
“Princess, lie down,” says Jenna. I lie down.
There are many good smells.
Mike puts his feet on the floor and I lick them. They taste delicious.
“Ugh,” says Mike. He leaves and comes back and Jenna leaves and comes back. She scratches behind my ears.
• • •
Jenna is not here. There is kibble in my bowl. I knock it over.
I am in the dog bed and Mike is in the human bed.
He pets me.
“Here I am with you,” says Mike. “And Jenna is back at school. With Nick. So that’s great.”
• • •
Jenna is not here. There is kibble in my bowl. I knock it over.
• • •
Jenna is not here. Mike puts kibble in my bowl. I knock it over.
“Fuck this shit,” he says. He puts meat in my bowl. I try to eat it. It’s very hard and cold.
“Yeah, go ahead and eat it frozen,” says Mike. “That’s six frozen dollars right there.”
• • •
Jenna is here. She is crying.
“Come on, baby,” says Mike. “It was supposed to be funny.”
“There should have been some kind of warning that the dog was going to die,” says Jenna.
“Are you getting your period, by any chance?”
“That should be, like, part of the rating. D for death of dog.”
“Are you?”
“None of your business,” says Jenna.
“Called it,” says Mike.
Jenna sits on Mike. I get on the couch.
“Off,” says Mike.
“Aw,” says Jenna. “She wants to comfort me.”
I follow them to the bedroom and I get on the bed.
“Absolutely not,” says Mike.
“Princess, off,” says Jenna.
I move to a different part of the bed. The bed has many smells and they are all good.
“Oh baby, please?” says Jenna.
“This is not fair,” says Mike. “You two are taking advantage of the situation.”
“Just for tonight,” says Jenna.
“Ugh,” says Mike.
I sleep in the bed with the humans.
• • •
I find a very good snack.
I don’t feel my best.
I am in the bed with the humans. I wake up and stand up. Mike wakes up and holds me over the edge of the bed. I throw up. I feel better. Mike turns on the light.
“Jenna, wake up,” he says.
She wakes up.
“The dog threw up, and I think there’s blood in it.”
She sits up. “Mm,” she says. “That’s a tampon.” She lies back down.
“Oh my god,” says Mike.
“I’ll clean it up,” says Jenna. “Will you take her out?”
Mike gets out of bed and says, “Come on, dog.”
I see a good snack and eat it.
We are outside and then we are inside. The mess is there and I wonder if I should clean it up.
“The tampon is missing,” says Jenna.
“What?” says Mike.
“It’s not here anymore. Was she right behind you the whole time?”
“I think so,” he says. “Maybe not. Oh god.”
“I’m calling the vet,” says Jenna.
“You’re a disgusting animal,” says Mike.
Mike and I lie in the bed together.
Jenna comes back.
“They want us to bring her in so they can surgically remove it,” she says.
“How much is that going to cost?” says Mike.
“I don’t know, a lot.”
“Can’t we just make her throw it up?”
“They said not to, she might choke.”
“She threw it up once, she can throw it up again.”
“Oh god,” says Jenna. She cleans up the mess.
We are in the bathroom. I drink something.
“I can’t believe she just drank it,” says Jenna.
“She eats garbage,” says Mike. “What do you expect?”
I throw up. The snack is here again but Jenna takes it away.
We are in bed.
“That was a very bad thing you did, Princess,” says Jenna.
“Her name is going to be Princess forever,” says Mike. “Fuck.”
• • •
“I wish you didn’t have to go back to campus,” says Mike.
“I’ll be back on Friday.”
“And I have to stay here with this disgusting dog.”
“Oh please, you love her.”
“And you’re on campus with Nick.”
“What?” says Jenna. “Are you being serious right now? You cannot even tell me that you’re still worried about Nick.”
“I just wish he wasn’t on campus with you.”
“Seriously? Do you not trust me at all?”
“I do trust you. I just don’t like it. I don’t like him.”
“Babe. Come on. This is crazy. I’m here with you. I chose you.”
“I know.”
“We have a dog together.”
“I noticed.”
“She’s like our first kid.”
“I hope our real kids are better.”
“We’ll get through this year,” says Jenna. “Less than a year. Eight months. And then we have the rest of our lives.”
“Okay,” says Mike.
“I love you,” says Jenna.
“I love you too,” says Mike.
&
nbsp; • • •
“You know what I want tonight?” says Jenna.
“What?”
“Butt sex.”
Mike laughs. “Why wait until tonight?”
Mike chases Jenna and I chase Mike.
We are in the bedroom.
“Princess, stay on the floor,” says Mike.
I get on the bed.
“Fuck, Princess, no,” says Mike.
“Just leave her,” says Jenna. “Come on.”
I am close to Mike and Jenna. There is a new smell and it’s an incredibly good smell.
• • •
“I can come stay on campus with you,” says Mike.
“What about Princess?” says Jenna. I wag my tail.
“I’ll bring her.”
“Babe, I just kind of need a weekend to myself.”
“What do you need to do?”
“Go to Halloween parties, I don’t know.”
“What if Nick is there?”
“Oh my god! Are we going to talk about this for the rest of our lives?”
“Just answer the question. What if he’s there?”
“We still have a lot of the same friends, I can’t help it if I run into him.”
“But you don’t have to go to a party with him.”
“I’m not going to a party with him!”
“If you went to a party and he was there, would you leave?”
“I don’t know,” says Jenna.
“If he’s there will you text me? Just so I know he’s there?”
“I’m not going to do that! This is crazy. We’re just friends.”
“Wait, now you’re friends? You can’t be friends.”
“You can’t tell me who I can and cannot be friends with, Michael.”
“Yes I can, when it comes to Nick I can.”
• • •
Mike and I walk. I wait outside. We walk and I wait outside. We have food.
“Don’t tell Jenna about our little Halloween party,” says Mike. “If she’s allowed to drink beer, I’m allowed to drink beer. But she can never know about Blessings II Go, Blessings II Go is not allowed.”
We are home. We eat the food.
“This chicken doesn’t taste like roadkill to you, does it?” says Mike. “You think Jenna is the best. She is the best but she’s not right about everything. She’s wrong about this chicken and she’s wrong about Nick. She’s wrong about my beer belly. You like my beer belly, right, girl? You think that’s why Jenna didn’t want me to come to the party? I’m too fat to be Tarzan now?”
“I should go to campus,” says Mike. “I’m not too drunk to drive.”
We are sitting.
“Maybe I’m a little too drunk,” says Mike. “Jenna was going to be a smokin’ Jane. I don’t know who you were going to be. Maybe you were going to be Phil Collins. ‘’Cause you’ll be in my heart, yes you’ll be in my heart.’ Fucking Disney ruins everything.”
“I could still go. I could go find them and Nick would be pumping the keg for her like how he’s so fucking romantic and I could swing in and pick up the keg and smash it over his head. I would wear a wig and a loincloth and everything.”
“What a fucking asshole, that guy. You would think he was an asshole if you met him. You would smell it from a mile away. Smelling like a giant fucking asshole.”
“Sorry, girl, this might be the beer talking. Or maybe that chicken. That chicken is probably not the best. I don’t trust that guy at all. But I do trust Jenna, I trust Jenna.”
Mike is drinking. I am licking my vagina and my butt.
“She’s done with him,” says Mike. “She’s been done with him. She promised she’s done with him.”
“You know what you should not do? You should not be the other dog. You should not fuck a boy dog who already has a girl dog. And if that boy dog says he’s going to break up with his girl dog for you, don’t do it. It’s never gonna fucking work. Just kidding, it’s different for dogs. You can fuck any dog you want and they can fuck any dog they want. Except not you because your vagina doesn’t work anymore. Well it works but you know what I mean. There’s no point.”
“She should have picked me to begin with. He told her he loved her when she told him about me. For the first time ever. You think that’s a coincidence, girl?”
I thump my tail.
“Robbie was like, don’t get a dog, man. He said his sister got a dog with her girlfriend and they made a deal that if they broke up, whoever got broken up with would get the dog. So the sister tried to make the girlfriend dump her, and the girlfriend tried to make the sister dump her. And in the end Robbie’s sister lost the dog and her heart was broken forever.”
“Whatever. Robbie never liked Jenna.”
Later I am in the human part of the bed. Mike’s arms are around me. There are noises and good smells inside of Mike. He goes to the bathroom. He is back.
“Ugh,” he says. “You don’t think that meat really is roadkill, do you, girl?”
He leaves and comes back and leaves and comes back. He squeezes me.
• • •
I am still in Mike’s arms.
• • •
Jenna is here. She licks Mike a lot. She squeezes me a lot. She smells different.
“Hi baby,” says Mike. “I missed you.”
“I missed you too,” says Jenna. “I’m sorry I made you worry. I just wanted a weekend with my friends.”
“I know, I’m sorry,” he says. “I was being a jerk. I was being a little crazy.”
“A little,” says Jenna. “But I love you anyway.”
Later I am on my side of the bed. Jenna comes in.
“Princess!” she says. “You’re in my spot. You sleep at the end of the bed.”
I have to move to the end of the bed.
• • •
I sleep at the end of the bed every night.
• • •
“Princess,” says Mike. “I have to tell you a big secret.”
We have a buffalo chicken pizza and beer.
“I’m going to ask your mom to marry me. At graduation.”
• • •
“Princess,” says Mike. “Forget what I said yesterday.”
We have a buffalo chicken pizza and beer.
“Casey says it’s not a good idea. She says it’s Jenna’s special day. And she says I need to wait until I know Jenna is the one. Obviously Jenna is the one. You and I both know Jenna is the one. Jenna is the one for us.”
• • •
We are in a place with a lot of humans.
Jenna is here and she squeezes me. I am carrying something important on my neck.
“What is this?” she says.
“Open it,” says Mike.
“Oh my god,” says Jenna. “What is happening right now?”
“Oh,” says Jenna. “Earrings.”
“Congratulations, baby,” says Mike. “Do you like them?”
“Do I not deserve white pearls?” says Jenna.
“What?” says Mike. “No, I just thought you would like these because they’re different.”
“No, then I love them,” she says.
• • •
I am at school. There are other dogs and other humans and a human named Mo.
Mo says, “Jump,” and I jump. She gives me a snack.
Mo says, “Through the tunnel,” and I go through the tunnel. She gives me a snack.
“You are a VERY smart dog,” says Mo. She gives me a snack.
• • •
“I know Mo seems crazy but I think she’s really good,” says Jenna. “You handle Princess tomorrow and you’ll see.”
“I think we could have saved a hundred and forty bucks,” Mike says. “I could do the same things she does. And Princess is perfect already.”
“She eats trash,” says Jenna.
“It’s not like she’s going to stop because she can jump over a chair and crawl through a tunnel.”
Mike makes ice cream.
I follow him and the ice cream to the living room. Mike licks Jenna.
“What do you want to watch?” she says.
“You pick,” he says. “Oh my god, guess what? I ran into Robbie in the city today.”
“Oh my god!” says Jenna. “What was he doing there?”
“He had a job interview at a high school. He was wearing a suit and tie.”
“No shit. How is he doing?”
“Good, I think.”
“That’s so crazy you just ran into each other.”
“I know. You know what he asked me?” Mike says. “He asked me if you were still cheating on me.” Mike laughs.
“What?” says Jenna.
“Isn’t that funny?” says Mike.
“Uh,” says Jenna.
“Come on babe, he hasn’t seen us in a long time. Baby, what’s wrong? It’s not a big deal.”
I wait for ice cream.
“You would have told me if anything happened last year, right?” says Mike. “If you kissed Nick or something?”
Jenna starts to cry.
“Oh my god,” says Mike.
Jenna cries a lot. Mike moves to another part of the couch. I get on the couch between them.
“You kissed him?” says Mike.
Jenna looks at Mike. I look at Mike.
“You fucked him?” says Mike. “Oh my god, you fucked him.” He stands up. I get off the couch. Jenna cries.
I follow Mike to the bedroom. Jenna follows us.
“Please,” she says, “please don’t leave.”
He lies down. I lick him. He doesn’t move. I lick him again.
I go to the living room and eat the ice cream. I go back to the bedroom. Mike and Jenna are on the bed. They are both feeling bad. I get on the bed and lie down at the end.
“I think it was only twice,” says Jenna. “I stopped. I didn’t want to cheat on you.”
“That’s so sweet of you.”
“Please, Mikey. Please don’t do this. It was such a long time ago. It was such a stupid mistake.”
“Oh, well, if it was a long time ago and if it was a mistake.”
“Please, baby.”
“I’m taking Princess out.”
I get off the bed.
“Okay,” says Jenna. “Do you want me to come?”
“No,” says Mike.
I follow him to the living room. He puts my leash on. He goes back to the bedroom and I follow him.
“Did you fuck him on Halloween?”
Jenna starts crying. She goes under the covers.
“I knew it,” says Mike.
I follow him to the living room. We go outside and walk and walk.
Barbara the Slut and Other People Page 14
