by Eric Vall
Sia popped up from the couch, and I walked over and gave her a long, warm embrace. The tiny redhead’s hair nestled against my chin, so I kissed her adoringly on the top of her head. Superbia smelled as sweet as a bundle of fresh-cut roses, and I could have stayed lost in her crimson nest for hours.
The madame finally pulled back and looked up at me with her large, purple eyes. “I don’t think anyone could possibly have missed you as much as I have, Jacob,” she purred.
The succubus then went around and gave a loving hug to each of her sisters and a gentle pat on our imp’s head. Todd responded by jumping onto Sia’s leg and clinging on for dear life.
“I missed you too, Strawberry Shortcake,” he said happily.
“I’d get up and give you a hug,” Tris confessed and motioned with the joint, “but that would require body-eye coordination, and I’m not sure I can even walk with this strain in my lungs.”
“Understandable.” I chuckled. “I appreciate the thought, anyway.”
A tiny blur of red swished past my eye as Todd dashed over to Tristita, stopped in front of her, and then jumped up and down with excitement.
“So it works?” the imp asked. “‘The ‘Good Fuck’ is a go?”
“The good fuck?” Libidine asked with confusion in her voice.
Todd stuck up a finger to explain, but Ira quickly interjected. “I’ll explain this one,” she promised the imp. “Have you ever had one of those fucks that’s just so good that you can barely walk afterword?”
Libidine ran her hand over her chin as she thought, and then she grinned at her sister. “You know me,” she cooed. “I can take just about anything.”
“Really?” Ira gasped. “Every time I get Jacob’s warhammer up in my guts, it feels like I’ve been stretched out by a freaking horse cock, and I’m hobbling around for hours.”
“I’m not as rough with the others as I am with you,” I explained. “For obvious reasons.”
Ira looked completely confused. “What reasons?” she said as she racked her brain.
“Sister of Wrath?” I hinted.
“Oooohhhh,” Ira squeaked. “Well then, that makes me all the more special. Anyway, sister, Todd and Tris are calling it that because the weed is so good, it makes you unable to walk. Just like a good fuck.”
“Nope,” Todd gagged. “Tris, we’re throwing out this strain and starting from scratch! I’m never gonna be able to get that association out of my head now.”
“But, Todd--” the brunette succubus started.
“No ‘buts!’” the imp cut her off. “I’m tryin’ to run a business here, and the Toddster demands that his product isn’t soiled by the thoughts of my bestie’s manhood.”
“Well, shit…” Tris mused. “There goes the idea for my next strain.”
“You were gonna name a strain of our precious weed after Jakey’s cock?” Todd said, mouth agape.
“Not exactly.” The succubus shrugged. “It was inspired by what my sisters have told me sex with Jacob is like. It was gonna be this massive, thick bud with just a teensy bit of an energetic buzz to it. The name would have been ‘Pulsing Head.’”
“Hmmmm.” Todd’s tiny, clawed hand rubbed at his non-existent goatee. “I hate the association, but I think there might be a market for that one. I’m giving you the full go-ahead on mass-producing that strain, just as long as you don’t keep reminding me what it actually stands for.”
Tris nodded approvingly and took another puff of her joint. “Aye-yay, boss,” she acknowledged.
“I’m quite impressed, Todd,” Sia mused. “I didn’t know you had such a knack for management.”
The imp gave the madame a stony glare and smiled. “When it comes to weed, just call me Tony Montana,” he explained.
“Uh… Doesn’t Tony Montana end up dead at the end of that movie?” I reminded my friend.
“Yep.” Todd made a massive sweeping gesture with his hands. “After he created his own multi-million dollar empire. Now that we’ve got all these goodies from Shax, we can start our own dispensary out in Nevada, and we can let the empire building begin. A Todd and Tris’ on every corner! We can call it ‘TT’s’ for short.”
“Don’t call it ‘TT’s,’” I said through a facepalm. “Or maybe do. I guess it all depends on who you’re trying to attract.”
Todd’s eyes widened happily. “Everyone, bro,” he plotted. “We want the hippies, the hipsters, the stoners, the junkies, the young, the old, and even the near-dead!”
“Easy there, Todd,” Cupi interrupted. “We haven’t even gotten any of this stuff appraised yet. We know it’s worth a lot, but it could be anywhere from one million to a few million to even a billion. Though I highly doubt there’s a billion dollars’ worth of stuff in that cabin.”
Todd crossed his arms and scowled at the blonde’s words. “A man can dream.” He shrugged.
“Aaaanddd voila!” Gula’s perky voice exclaimed from the kitchen section of the mansion. “Dinner is almost ready if you guys wanna start heading toward the dining room.”
“You don’t have to tell me twice,” I answered and motioned for all my friends to follow me.
The dining room of Robert Quinn’s old mansion was a part of the house we almost never used. Normally, we just ate all our meals at the marble-topped breakfast bar in the kitchen, or if we were feeling particularly lazy, we would just chill out and dine on the couch and chairs.
As we walked into the dining area, it almost felt like we were explorers checking out an uncharted part of an old building. Despite it being a part of the house we’d lived in for almost a year, I recognized nothing in this room. There was a massive, black rectangular table at the center, surrounded by cream-colored upholstered chairs. The walls were painted with a dark yellowish color that almost looked brown, and a massive chandelier hung from the stucco ceiling. To counterbalance the light in the center of the room, there were four tall lamps in each corner that radiated a soft glow.
“Damn,” I muttered. “We should use this room more often. It’s actually really fucking nice.”
“We’ve never needed it,” Libidine explained. “At first, it was just the five of us and occasionally Jane and Oliver. Now, we’ve got eight people who call this their permanent home!”
“And you couldn’t possibly comprehend how thankful we are for that, Jacob,” Sia added with a smile. The redhead walked over to the seat at the far end of the table, pulled it out, and motioned for me to sit down. “You deserve to be at the head of the table. For all of your generosity.”
I waved my hand at the succubus. “Aw, come on,” I said humbly. “I’m sure all of you would do the same for me if the situations were reversed.”
I sat down in the cream-colored chair and tried my best to get comfortable. It was definitely one of those pieces of furniture that were more for show as the fabric was rough and dug into my back like a burlap sack.
“The second we collect the money for that loot, remind me to buy new chairs,” I said sarcastically. “Wait a minute, where’s Tris?”
“She’s coming, bro,” Todd explained from all the way across the table. “‘Good Fuck’ is no joke. I wouldn’t be surprised if she had to drag herself in here. Oh, wait, there she is.”
Just as the words escaped Todd’s mouth, Tris came fluttering in on her tiny, bat-like wings. The brunette hovered over to an empty seat at the table, and then slowly lowered herself down onto the chair.
“Whew,” she panted. “My legs might not be functioning, but my wings are as good as new.”
“Huh,” Todd mused, pulled out a small notepad and pen, and then began to scribble as he muttered to himself. “Doesn’t have any effect on paranormal appendages.”
Just then, Gula burst through the entryway, carrying two massive silver platters in her hands. “Dinner is served!” The Sister of Gluttony grinned as she sat the platters down in the center of the table. “I hope you brought your appetites.”
“Listen, Short Stuff,” Todd said coyl
y. “If you have to ask that question, you don’t know the Toddster very well. I could honestly eat Shax right now if that were an option.”
“Phrasing, bro,” I reminded the imp.
“It’s a unit of measurement, Jakey,” he shot back. “Sheesh.”
“What country uses that system?” I pushed jokingly.
“The People’s Republic of Todd, that’s who,” he said dreamily as he spread his arms wide. “It’s a beautiful land of the free that I’m gonna create once my weed empire has blossomed. No government, no currency system, and, most importantly, all the weed, alcohol, and hot babes that you can possibly want!”
“I’ll be sure to come and visit someday,” I humored the imp. “Just make sure you don’t forget about all of us when you get rich and famous.”
“I could never forget my best buds, bro,” Todd reassured. “You’ll all be ambassadors with your own private mansions when the PRT is established.”
“If you don’t have a system of commerce,” Sia asked with a raised eyebrow, “how will you get people to build the mansions?”
“Free weed, Strawberry Shortcake,” Todd explained as he leaned back in his chair and put his hands behind his head. “That’s the best motivator of all.”
Sia obviously knew better. Her business knowledge was as breath-taking as she was. “But,” she implored, “if there’s free weed all the time, why would anyone work in exchange for more?”
“It’d be the good stuff,” the imp continued. “The highest grade shit I can come up with.”
“I understand that part,” the madame continued. “But if you held back the best strains and then used that to motivate people to work for you, does that not make it a form of currency?”
“Nope.” Todd shook his head. “It’s just exchanging a highly sought-after product for people’s goods and services. Totally different.”
“That’s quite literally capitalism,” Sia pointed out astutely.
“N--no…” Todd began, and then his face contorted into a frown and his eyes grew wide. “What have I become? Jakey, why didn’t you tell me this whole ‘empire business’ was turning me into a monster?”
“I didn’t notice.” I stifled a laugh and winked at Gula.
The curvy redhead giggled and then raised up the lids of the platters. When I saw what was underneath, it felt like my mouth was hit with a tidal wave.
The first platter contained several pieces of smoked salmon, with perfectly red flesh and several singe marks from the cooking process. Underneath platter number two was a massive bowl of rice pilaf, topped with a few pieces of fresh bay leaves and half a lemon.
Gula picked up a lemon, squeezed it delicately over the bed of rice, and then placed it off to the side. The succubus sat down in one of the empty seats, picked up her utensils, and licked her lips happily.
“Dig in, guys!” she ordered. “I know it’s not much, but I did my best.”
“Gula,” I drooled, “this looks like the best meal we’ve had in months.”
We passed the platters around the table, and each took a piece of salmon as well as a couple large scoops of rice. The salmon that I’d grabbed was one of the plumper pieces, and the juices oozed out of it as I dragged my knife across its flesh. I popped the fatty fish into my mouth, and instantly my taste buds were assaulted by a smokey, subtle fishy flavor. To top it all off, the skin on the underside of the morsel delivered a satisfying crunch when I bit down into it. I allowed the delicious flavors to wade around in my mouth for a moment or two, and then I swallowed the spectacular food down my throat.
“Gula, this is incredible!” I exclaimed.
“Incredible?” Ira added. “This is the best fucking salmon I’ve ever had, and us politicians eat a lot of fish.”
A snicker from Todd told me that he took that in the worst possible way.
“I’m not joking,” Ira continued. “You could easily be a chef, Gula.”
“Stop.” The short redhead giggled shyly. “You’re gonna make me blush.”
“This is quite good,” Sia confirmed. “Where did you learn to cook like this, Gula? It’s not as if we had cooking classes in Hell.”
“Of course not,” Gula shrugged, “but we did have a singular food source that tasted like shit if it wasn’t cooked properly. I know nearly six-hundred different ways to cook a vargrat, and I’ve just been applying that knowledge here on Earth Realm. To much better food, of course.”
Todd let out a massive belch. “You can say that again,” he said as he picked at his teeth with the claw on his index finger. “That shit was delicious.”
“Did you try the rice?” Gula asked the imp hopefully. “This is the first time I’ve ever made a grain-based food here on Earth Realm. Normally I just have to work with ground-up bones and the internal organs for the side dishes.”
“You make rice pilaf with bones and organs?” I asked with a raised eyebrow.
“Well, that’s not what we call it,” she shrugged, “but it’s the same concept. Base ingredient, cooked in stock and spices. It’s practically the same thing.”
I picked up a spoonful of rice and placed it into my eagerly awaiting mouth. It was the perfect texture, and on top of that, it was about as flavorful as you could ask for with just a bit of tang from the lemon juice and a hint of sage.
Plain white rice this was certainly not.
“My God,” I mused. “Even your ‘plain’ dishes are fucking amazing.”
“Gula,” Cupi basically moaned through a mouthful of food, “you need to have your own cooking show or a recipe book or a food blog or something. You’re a natural at this.”
“Stoooop,” Gula said as she looked down at the ground bashfully. “You’re too kind, really.”
The eight of us spent the next few minutes practically inhaling the incredible food that Gula had put before us. When it was all said and done, both platters were nothing more than a few grains of rice and some juices from the salmon.
“You need to cook for us more often, Short Stuff,” Todd begged as he patted his swollen belly.
“Agreed,” Tris concurred, even though it sounded like she could barely speak. “There’s nothing better than having a delicious pile of home-cooked food when you’re in the middle of a baked-out haze.”
“Well… there is In-N-Out,” Todd argued. “It’s really hard to beat that shit when you’re as stoned as Medusa’s victims.”
“I’ve never been.” Tris sighed. “Also, how do you know of Medusa?”
Todd gasped and jumped up onto his seat. “Jakey, can I borrow the car?” the imp begged. “I need to give Tris the In-N-Out experience, like, yesterday.”
“Of course you can.” I rolled my eyes and pointed toward the living room. “The keys are in that bowl on the counter. Just make sure you bring her back in one piece.”
“You’re the best, bro,” Todd exclaimed. “Come on, Slothy. If we hurry, maybe their ice cream machine won’t be ‘broken.’”
With that, Todd disappeared through the threshold of the door, and Tris was not floating far behind him.
“What’s ‘In-N-Out?’” Sia asked. “Is it a rival strip club?”
“It’s a burger joint.” I guffawed at the redhead’s words. “Todd’s become addicted since we moved to Arizona. Speaking of strip clubs… How are things at the Velvet Lips?”
Sia took a sip of her glass of water, sat it down, and then pursed her lips. “It’s much better than it was under Zepar’s ownership,” she sighed, “but it could still be much better. Unfortunately, there is a ceiling on how profitable a gentlemen’s club can become, even if it’s one of the more popular ones.”
“That’s a shame,” Libidine pouted. “Is there something you’d rather be doing, sister?”
“Oh, no,” Sia continued. “Don’t misunderstand my words, Libidine. I enjoy being the manager, and I love working with the girls. It’s just that… I’ve gotten too comfortable in my role, and I’d like to take on another challenge. That’s all.”
> I rubbed my hands on my chin as I pondered the madame’s words. Then it hit me. Ose’s shop. A devilish grin slid up my face.
“You want a challenge?” I asked the petite redhead. “I’ve got a challenge for you. Remember Ose?”
“The member of the Seventy-Two Servants that you killed?” Sia asked curiously. “What could I possibly be doing with him?”
“He had his own business,” Ira interjected. “A pretty shitty one, if you ask me.”
“It was one of those ‘New Age’ shops,” I explained. “It’s just been sitting there empty since his death.”
Sia perked up at my words. “And you wish for me to take it over?” she practically begged as she batted her large eyes at me.
“Maybe,” I played it coy. “If you can figure out how to get it in our name, it’s all yours. Of course, making a New Age shop profitable is a tall order--”
“I’ll do it!” Sia exclaimed in a rare moment of raw emotion. “I’m already picturing the business plan in my mind…”
“Now,” I warned, “we still need you to keep up the Velvet Lips, of course.”
“Of course.” Sia nodded. “I could never abandon my girls, especially Meghan Miracle. She’s quite the firecracker, as you may remember.”
“How could we forget?” I admitted.
“She asks about you quite often.” Sia bit her lip and ran her eyes up and down my body. “You should stop by sometime and see us.”
“I will.” I smiled back at the succubus.
“Excellent!” The madame grinned. “I was starting to--”
“Oh shit!” Ira interrupted and showed us her phone. “The new poll has me down to only ten points ahead of Hoggins. Fuck me, that means I really can’t mess up this next debate.”
“You won’t, sister,” Libidine reassured. “You’ve just got to make sure you prepare like you’re preparing for a dominatrix session.”
“That’s hard to do when I’m always out slaying demons.” Ira sighed and put her head down on the table. “It’s not fair. I wanna be out helping you guys, not sitting on the sidelines.”
“Ira,” Cupi said sympathetically, “you’ve helped us out plenty. If not for you, we never could have saved Tris and Gula from Beelzebub, and we never would have defeated Shax. Maybe it’s time you took a well-earned break from demon slaying and focused on your career?”
