by Eric Vall
The monster’s body tumbled backward and then knocked over a pedestal containing a semi-expensive-looking urn. The urn shattered atop the monster’s head and sent dark powder all over his ghastly form.
“Those are Brother Beauregard's ashes!” Oliver cried from afar.
I surveyed the battlefield around me and saw that, despite our best efforts, the army of oversized spiders was quickly overwhelming us. They were already halfway up Raphael’s body, and they had Gula nearly completely covered with their horrid wave. It was like they kept multiplying faster than we could kill them.
“Precision strike?” Todd suggested.
I nodded to the imp, and then we both ran toward our friends. I created a series of ascending platforms for the imp to climb, and he acrobatically hopped up the makeshift stairs with ease. Once he was at the top, he flipped up into the sky above Gula and rained down a hailstorm of tiny balls of Hellfire. The spiders screamed as they were burned off the succubus’ torso and arms.
Once she had her upper body free, Gula took a swing with her enchanted battle axe. Chunks of spider and greenish blood flew up into the sky, and then the succubus was free.
“Save Liby,” I nodded to the redhead as I dashed toward Cupiditas. Todd was already over at Raphael, ripping spiders off our ally’s body with his tiny claws.
Cupi seemed to be having the best luck with her creepy crawlers as she was able to halt their advance by covering her body with her blue time-freezing Hellfire. Of course, the succubus was channeling all her power to keep the spiders at bay so she couldn’t fight back. It was a total stalemate, but one I could easily break.
I approached the succubus, cast out green Hellfire onto the spiders all over her body, and pulled them away. While they were still in the air, I closed my fists and squished the little fuckers into jelly. Then, I cast down a quick blast of red Hellfire at my feet and toasted the remaining spiders in the vicinity of the blonde.
From behind us, there was a sudden squishing sound. I spun around to defend myself and then realized that there wasn’t anything to defend against. Off to my side, I saw Gula and Libidine ensnared in the ectoplasmic net. Across the room, Raphael had been caught by the spider’s trap, as well.
Meanwhile, the assassin was back on his feet, charging toward our position.
“You know,” Cupi growled, “I’m getting really tired of this shit. Do you think you can hold this fucker off for a minute or two?”
“What’s your plan?” I asked the succubus as I tried to hit the spider-demon with a fireball.
“I’m improvising,” Cupi promised. “Just trust me on this one.”
“Don’t worry, Cupi,” Todd slid in front of me and threw out a couple fireballs of his own. “The dynamic duo of Todd and Jakey are on the case!”
The succubus dashed off behind us, and the imp and I continued our assault.
Our target was ridiculously fast, much too fast for any projectile we could throw at him now that we were losing the numbers advantage. The spider-demon sidestepped our fireballs as if they were moving in slow motion, and he always seemed to know exactly where I was going to cast a disruptive portal or shield.
Then I thought of something this asshole couldn’t dodge and quickly cast a spell of green Hellfire onto a fallen office chair, picked it up, and tossed it at a large glass cabinet that stood a few yards off to my right. The glass case shattered, and I immediately caught the shards with my telekinetic flames. Then, I tugged my hand to the left and sent a wave of deadly shrapnel at the spider-monster.
The creature still tried to dodge, but it was far too wide of a spray of shards. There were several spurts of green blood accompanied by shrieks of pain as the chunks of glass stuck into the fucker’s body. His momentum slowed, but the creature didn’t let up.
From far behind me, there was another sound of shattering glass.
“What are you doing?” Oliver whimpered from that same part of the building. “That thing is thousands of years old!”
“Guys!” Cupi’s voice called out. “It’s time to part the Red Sea!”
Todd and I looked at each other, nodded, and then readied ourselves. As soon as the creature was a few feet away, we both dashed off in opposite directions. I couldn’t see exactly what happened next, but there was a gust of air against my back, and then I heard the spider creature let out a painful scream. When I turned around, I saw that the fucker was down on his hands and knees.
He was missing two of his arachnid arms, and green blood was spurting out of the stumps where they used to be.
Directly behind the assassin stood Cupi. The blonde succubus wore a triumphant grin on her face as she brandished a medieval-style polearm over her right shoulder. Her dark angel wings were sitting gracefully behind her back, and she looked totally badass.
The spider-creature lashed out at Cupi with his remaining back legs, and the succubus instinctively knocked them away with a flip of her newfound weapon. Then the blonde warrior-succubus twirled the polearm around her body and then struck the assassin in the face with the blunt end.
Green blood sprayed from the fucker’s mouth as his head was twisted to the side, but the spider-demon recovered quickly. He twisted his body around, pressed his six legs against the floor, and then leapt at the succubus. Cupi sidestepped the attack, placed her polearm onto the ground, and then spun around it like a stripper pole. As she came around, the blonde struck the spider-creature in the back of the head with her feet.
The assassin’s face smashed through the plaster of the nearby wall, and he took a moment to reorient himself. Before he could mount a counter-offensive, another one of his legs went flying into the air with a mist of green as Cupi slashed clean through it. The spider-demon must have been running on pure adrenaline at this point because he didn’t even seem to be affected by the loss of limb number three. Instead, he spun around and struck Cupi in the face with his human fist.
Cupi’s body tumbled backward as she dropped the polearm. She was back on her feet in seconds, but I was already on my way to help. It had been a bit too dangerous to get near Cupi’s whirling storm of steel and feet but now was my chance. I couldn’t sit back and watch any longer.
It was time to end this guy.
As I ran towards the assailant, I drew the jagged remains of my goat-headed dagger from my belt, ran my Hellfire covered hand over the base of the blade, and enchanted it. The jagged, broken steel stretched out into a fiery cutlass, and I readied my weapon for the assault.
The spider-creature threw out the pointy end of its leg in my direction. He was probably hoping that I was going to run into the point and skewer myself, but luckily for me, I wasn’t that stupid.
Instead, I twisted my glowing blade and parried his deadly appendage away with a flick of my wrist. I ducked down, spun around, and lopped off another one of the creature’s back legs.
As the spider-demon fell awkwardly onto his knees, I saw a flash of Cupi’s polearm as the blunt end shot up and struck him in the chin. Green mist sprayed upward, and the demon was now dripping his own sludge-like blood out of his mouth.
I wasted no time in thrusting my sword in the direction of his next appendage, and the leg was separated from his body effortlessly.
The spider-creature was on its last legs quite literally, and it showed. At this point, he wasn’t even really trying to fight back. He tried to stumble into an upright position, but Cupi and I brought him down with another strike to his remaining legs. The assassin collapsed onto all fours, but he still refused to go down.
“I got this, Jakey!” Todd exclaimed as he came running over to our position.
The imp was carrying a massive painting that was nearly three times the size of his tiny body. He stopped in front of the spider-demon, raised it up, and then smashed it over the assassin’s head. The spider-creature’s entire upper-body punched through the painting like something out of a Saturday morning cartoon, and then he fell over onto the floor.
Somewhere off in the distan
ce, Oliver sounded like he was sobbing.
“Way to go, Todd,” Cupi sounded impressed.
“I totally kicked his ass,” the imp said as he pretended to wipe the dust off his hands. “I couldn’t have done it without you guys, though. Every Batman needs his Robin.”
“I’m just glad you got over your fear of spiders,” I chuckled, “and of creepy religious people.”
“Oh, I’m not over it, bro,” Todd shuddered. “Not by a long shot. I’ve been screaming internally this entire battle. In fact, I’m probably gonna have night terrors for weeks, but it was all worth it to save my best friends’ lives!”
Cupi patted the imp lovingly on the head. “And for that, we are grateful,” she smiled down at Todd.
I turned my attention back to the assassin. As much as I wanted to celebrate our victory, there was still some unfinished business to attend to. I crouched down, grabbed the spider-demon by the back of his neck, and held my sword up to his throat.
“You’re gonna start talking, asshole,” I demanded. “You went through a lot of trouble to get to my friends and me here. Why?”
“You really think it’s that easy?” The creature’s voice was much more gurgly than it had been before, probably because of the mouthfuls of blood he was now coughing up. “Rough me up, and I’ll squeal like a pig with its throat slit?”
“If you don’t start talking, that won’t be a metaphor,” I warned and pressed the blade into his flesh.
There was a sound that was halfway between a wheeze and a laugh. “You really do got stones, Ralston,” he spat. “You’re the first person to ever defeat me, you know that? Normally the whole ‘army of spiders’ thing gets people to shit themselves in terror, but not you. I respect that.”
“Get to the point,” I demanded.
“The point is that I respect you, mortal,” the spider-creature coughed out. “So, tell you what, I’ll give you a little hint.”
“A hint?” I growled. “This isn’t a game, asshole.”
The creature chuckled and spat up some more blood. “Take it or leave it.” He shrugged.
“Talk,” I commanded.
“I’m an assassin,” he explained. “I’m not the first one to come lookin’ for you, and I sure as fuck won’t be the last. Not with the bounty that’s on your head.”
“Who put out a bounty on Jacob?” Cupiditas now stepped into the interrogation. “Was it Azazel? Beelzebub?”
“You’re way cold, succubus slime,” the assassin confirmed.
“Was it our waiter at that diner the other day?” Todd suggested. “I knew you should have tipped him more, bro.”
“It was someone… near and dear to your hearts,” the spider-creature wheezed. “Let’s just leave it at that. Now, if you’ll excuse me--”
“You’re not going anywhere,” I hissed. “You’re gonna tell us exactly who--”
Before I could finish my sentence, the spider-creatures body started to glow with the black ectoplasmic substance. His skin began to bubble like a pot of boiling water, and the assassin began to let out grunts of pain.
I jumped back and readied my knife. Whatever was about to happen next, it wasn’t gonna be good.
The assassin’s body was now bubbling like crazy, and some of the boils were growing to nearly the size of a baseball. His face began to contort into an unrecognizable, abstract horror, and then his torso began to expand.
“Oh shit!” Todd exclaimed. “He’s gonna go Big Trouble in Little China on us. Hit the deck!”
The three of us dove to the ground, and then there was a loud, sloppy-sounding pop. I could feel the chunks of gooey gore crash into my body, and I was nearly mortified. I pulled myself to my feet and observed the scene.
The assassin’s body was completely gone, or more accurately, it was scattered all across the inside of the Cult of Ralston’s headquarters. Pieces of furry spider flesh ran down the walls and left a trail of green gore in its wake. The fucker’s organs were spread across the ground at various intervals,
This place was going to need a real deep cleaning as soon as possible.
I nearly gagged as I wiped the slimy remains of the creature off my arms, legs, and chest. Cupi had gotten it even worse than me as her shirt was completely soaked with the green goo and was now nearly see-through.
“Hey bro?” Todd spoke up. “Do I have something on my face?”
I turned around and nearly doubled over in laughter. Todd definitely had something on his face, alright. There, between the imp’s two black horns, sat what appeared to be a dark gray, furry penis.
“Uh, yeah,” I said as I tried to keep my composure. “It’s right up there between your horns.”
The imp reached up and patted the severed phallus. “You sure?” he asked. “That just feels like my regular hair, bro.”
“No, Todd.” I stifled a giggle. “There’s definitely something up there.”
“You better not be fucking with me, Jakey.” Todd sighed and reached up once more.
This time, the imp was able to wrap his entire hand around the shaft. Todd gave it a good yank, and it came loose from his forehead. He then held it up to his eyes and inspected it carefully.
“What is this?” he pondered aloud. “One of his legs?”
“I think that’s his manhood, Todd,” Cupi suggested.
“This doesn’t look like an F-150 to me, Blondie,” the imp scoffed. “I’m not an idiot.”
“No, Todd,” I continued. “His manhood. Like, the thing that literally makes him a man. His dick.”
Todd’s face contorted into a look of confusion as he looked over the body part once more. Suddenly, the lightbulb seemed to go off. The imp’s eyes went wide, and his entire body began to tremble. He threw the phallus as far away as he could before he fell down to his knees.
“Nooooooo!” Todd sobbed. “I just touched another dude’s dick, and I didn’t even say ‘no homo.’ I think that officially makes me gay.”
“I don’t think that’s how it works--” I tried to console the imp, but he continued to sob.
“Sorry, my love,” Todd continued to wail. “It looks like the Toddster isn’t headed back to that diner in Kansas after all.”
“Todd,” I rolled my eyes. “You’ll be fine. You can just wash--”
“Fine?” he demanded in agony. “I can never use this hand to masturbate ever again! Do you know how long I’ve used this hand to whack off? It’ll be like getting with a stranger, Jakey.”
“What did he mean by ‘somebody near and dear to your heart?’” Cupiditas interrupted the imp’s ranting to get us back on point. “Was he suggesting that somebody in our group of allies is trying to kill us?”
“I don’t know.” I sighed. “He honestly didn’t give us any answers, but he definitely raised a fuckton more questions.”
Cupi and I walked back over to our friends who had been snared in the spider’s web. The ectoplasmic substance had vanished, and they were all trying to reorient themselves. Some of my cultists were a little banged up, but it looked like they were all still alive and kicking. It made sense as the spider-monster’s focus as an assassin was on me. As Cupi and I approached, cheers rang out throughout the building.
“Jacob, Cupi,” Jane cooed, “that was incredible.”
“Thank you!” The blonde succubus grinned and held out the polearm. “I’m actually pretty good with this thing. It fits my fighting style quite well. It’s a shame we have to put it back into a display case.”
“Yes.” Oliver walked over and held out his hands. “That’s exactly where such a rare and precious artifact belongs. Safe and sound, in a glass box with a display label for all to see.”
“Oh, no, it’s not,” Jane said as she held out her hand. “You saved us all, Cupi. Keep it. Like you said, it’s very you.”
“But, but--” the white-haired man muttered. “It’s a priceless relic…”
“A priceless relic that just saved our asses,” Jane argued. “It’s a weapon of man, made
for warfare. What good is it doing sitting in a case?”
“Well-- I--” Oliver tried to argue. “Fine. It’s all yours, Cupi. Please take care of that thing. It’s been with our cult for generations.”
“Don’t worry, Oliver.” The blonde winked. “It’s in good hands, I promise.”
Raphael, Gula, and Libidine finally found their way over. Liby was holding Todd in her arms like a baby, consoling him as he shuddered and stared at the ceiling, completely zoned out.
“Do you think what the assassin said was true?” Raphael asked. “Do you truly believe somebody close to us wants you dead?”
“He sounded like he was telling the truth,” I said thoughtfully. “Not to mention, we all know how assassins are with their code and all that. He wouldn’t have lied once he knew his mission was over and that he’d failed.”
“This is troubling,” the Archangel pondered. “First, Uriel goes missing, and now this? Something very strange is afoot, my friend.”
“You’re telling me,” I scoffed. “We just got ambushed by the evil Wonder Twin Spider Monster.”
Raphael reached out his right arm, engulfed it with Divine light, and then his discarded robe came flying back into his hands. He tossed it over his shoulders and carefully tied the waistband so that his SWAT uniform was completely hidden.
“I shall return to Heaven for the time being,” Raphael explained. “I’ll see if I can shake loose any leads amongst the Divine, and you guys keep working on things here on Earth Realm. Sound like a plan?”
“As much of a plan as I think we can muster right now,” I admitted.
Raphael put his hand on my shoulder. “Fear not, Jacob,” he reassured me. “We will get to the bottom of this, and we will find whoever is responsible for sending that assassin. Right now, you need to try to get some rest. If you need me, you know how to get ahold of me. I have a Blackberry now, so I’m always available.”
The Archangel stepped away from the group, threw out his arms, and was then engulfed by a brilliant white light. Seconds later, the light faded, and Raphael was gone.
