by Eric Vall
“Thanks, Jim,” she retorted.
Ira grabbed the mic off the podium and began to walk around the stage gingerly. “My fellow Arizonians,” she explained. “The reason I bring this up here, in front of you, is because I don’t want my opponent to weasel his way out of these accusations behind a PR team. There’s far too much of that in the political world. No, Bill, I want you to face the music here, in front of our constituents.”
“About what?” Hoggins chuckled awkwardly. “So I was a male prostitute? So what? As you said, all of my clients were consenting adults.”
Ira shot the man an angry look and tightened her grip on the microphone. “That’s not what I’m talking about, and you know it. You see, being the businessman that he is, Mr. Hoggins just had to have his cake and eat it too. He was much more than a prostitute, my friends. He built an entire sex worker empire up there in Vegas.”
“Lies!” Hoggins shrieked. “Jim, can we please get back to the real issues, and not this horrific slander?”
The moderator ignored the politician, but I wasn’t sure if it was because he disagreed or if he was just in shock from Ira’s words.
Hoggins’ face was now beet red, and sweat was pouring down his face. “This is ridiculous,” he huffed. “My fellow Arizonans, Ms. Franklin here is just trying to embarrass me. I’ve done nothing wrong, but she’s slandering my name by trying to make it sound like I’m a criminal. Everything I did was legal across the state border. So what if I ran a business that wasn’t as ‘wholesome’ as most? There are plenty of people in the political world who have done far worse. I don’t know what you’re trying to pull here, Ms. Franklin, but our constituents aren’t going to fall for it.”
Ira’s dom half raised an eyebrow. “Everything you did was legal?” she questioned. “I must ask, then how did some of your workers end up all around the Southwest?”
“That’s not-- They didn’t!” Hoggins growled. “You have no proof. This is all just hearsay.”
“Is it now?” The dom smiled. “Why don’t you stand up and give a little wave to the crowd, girls?”
Right on cue, a group of well-dressed women a few tables over from us stood up.
“These women are all employed by a friend of mine who runs her own business,” Ira explained. “They have revealed some deeply troubling things about their former boss… which would be you, Mr. Hoggins.”
Hoggins crossed his arms angrily. “I’ve never met those women before in my life,” he scoffed, but there was a twinge of fear in his voice.
“I figured you’d say that.” Ira shrugged. “I guess it’s up to the people to decide if you’re guilty or not, even though they all said the same thing about ‘their former boss.’ How he was a tyrant who sometimes would do anything for a buck, including forcing them to get with clients who had diseases or who they were afraid were abusive. Does the name Regan Johnson ring a bell?”
“Jim,” Hoggins pleaded. “Can’t we move on? I think this is terribly unfair. The question was about flip-flopping on Proposition Sixty-Six, not stupid things we all did when we're dumb kids.”
“I agree, Jim.” Ira smiled sinisterly at the moderator. “We should move on to the next question.”
“Damn,” Todd whispered. “She just handled that guy like I handle my schlong.”
“Tenderly and with care, I hope?” I cringed.
“Nope,” Todd continued. “Brutal, unforgiving, and sloppy.”
“I’m really glad we haven’t eaten yet,” I noted with a chuckle.
“Sister Ira hasn’t even begun to tear into this guy yet,” Cupi noted. “That was all just a setup. She’s going to go in for the kill later, once the debate is coming to a close.”
We sat there for another thirty minutes as we watched the dom completely control the debate. Hoggins was rattled from his opponent’s earlier accusation, so he was fumbling through his words and tripping over himself throughout the rest of the debate.
Unfortunately, as much as I was enjoying watching Ira kick this guy’s ass, my mind kept wandering back to what the assassin had said. I wrote Oliver and most especially Jane off my list of suspects then and there. I also didn’t think any of our cultists would have betrayed us. Then again, there were hundreds of members all across the United States, and I imagined that there was no way in hell they were all as thrilled about me taking over as Jane was.
Then my mind drifted to an even stranger thought. What if it was Raphael? The dude was an all-knowing Archangel who claimed to always be watching us, and he was taken out by the spider-demon without much of a fight. He was a total square, but then again, that would have made for the perfect cover.
And then there was Uriel. Something always rubbed me the wrong way about that dude. He was like Raphael, only much more robotic and prude, if that was even possible. But he was currently missing, maybe even captured or killed by the same people that were coming after my friends and me.
The options were endless, and it was driving me crazy thinking about the whole shitty situation. I’ve done my best to be a good friend and a good leader, and now somebody close to me had gone and betrayed me? Somebody who I’ve given everything for has gone off and tried to kill my beloved succubi and me?
Whoever it was, fuck them.
Then another possibility popped into my mind. The spider-demon was a crafty assassin, and he could have easily been lying just to fuck with us.
One way or another, we had to get to the bottom of this whole thing. It felt like it was literally eating away at my very core.
“I must ask, Ms. Franklin,” Bill Hoggins’ voice interrupted my thoughts. “What say you about the accusations of witchcraft? You are always hanging out with Jacob Ralston, a man who is gathering quite the following around these parts, and who has been rumored to dabble in the occult.”
I froze at the accusation, and it looked like everyone at my table became tense, as well. Thankfully, the tension was dissolved immediately when the rest of the room lit up with roaring laughter.
The dom chuckled awkwardly. “I dunno, Bill,” she played along with the crowd. “I’ve heard rumors that I’m best friends with Bigfoot and the Chupacabra, too.”
The crowd was now in stitches, and Hoggins grew angry.
“You all laugh,” he hissed into the microphone and then pointed down in my direction, “but weird stuff seems to follow that man wherever he goes. Las Vegas. San Francisco. Washington, D.C. Hell, even shit here in Phoenix! Ms. Franklin has allied herself with this weirdo, so I must ask you, people of Arizona. Is that the kind of person that you want as your leader? Someone who’s taken in by an occultist?”
The crowd’s laughter died down to a dull chuckle, but the atmosphere of the room still showed that they were skeptical of Hoggins’ claims.
“And I must ask you,” Ira said as a sly grin spread up her face, “what is the age of consent in Nevada? Judging by what I’ve heard, you aren’t too good at math, are you?”
The color again drained from Hoggins’ face, and the crowd went silent. There were a few gasps heard throughout the room, and then whispers.
“That… This is slander!” Hoggins screamed. “I will not stand up here and take this abuse from somebody who wasn’t even a good enough wife to keep the biggest simpleton on the planet satisfied!”
The room filled with gasps once more, followed by angry chatter. Ira held up her hand to silence the crowd.
“Well, Bill,” she explained, “Marvin was a womanizer, through and through. That’s part of the reason I left his sorry ass at the curb when it came out that he was cheating on me. You’d know all about that, though, wouldn’t you?”
“Again with the slander!” Hoggins hissed. “I’ve never once--”
“The secretary at your firm told me much, much differently,” the dom cut the politician off.
The debate was almost over, and it looked like Hoggins was utterly defeated. There were massive bags under his eyes, and he looked like he was sweating like a hog underneath the
bright lights of the debate stage.
The moderator asked a few more softball questions, but it was already clear that ‘Ms. Franklin’ had schooled the man.
“... and that’s why I, Bill Hoggins, am not only the best choice but the only choice to represent the seventh district of Arizona,” Hoggins finished and then pointed at Ira. “Ms. Franklin, on the other hand, has shown to be wishy-washy and to care only about her own benefits. When the time comes, I urge the people of Arizona to make the right choice. Thank you.”
“Ms. Franklin, your closing remarks,” the moderator asked the succubus.
“Thank you, Jim.” Ira’s dom half smiled at the man. “People of Arizona, it’s time for a change. Do you really want somebody in office who will use you and abuse you, just like this man has been accused of doing to so many innocent people over the years?”
“No, bro!” Todd called out from his seat.
“Do you want another cookie cutter politician in office who is only going to care about their own personal interests and the interests of their sponsors?” the dom continued.
“No, bro!” Todd called out again, this time joined by several people in the crowd.
“Then vote for me, Maggie Franklin, for your representative for the Arizona seventh district,” she continued. “Together, we will forge a new path, and just like the mythical being it was named after, the city of Phoenix will rise again, to greater heights than it has ever soared! Thank you.”
The crowd erupted in cheers and chants of “Magg-ie, Magg-ie!” Ira’s dom waved to her future constituents and then strutted off the stage. Meanwhile, Hoggins bowed his head and shuffled off in defeat.
“Ira’s gonna make a good politician, bro,” Todd said as he nudged my shoulder. “She just fucked that guy raw.”
“Aruna!” Tris suddenly said from across the table.
“What?” I asked the brunette, just to make sure I was hearing her correctly. “Aruna? What does that have to do with anything?”
“Think about it, Jacob,” Tris continued, “you said you were attacked by a hired assassin with ectoplasm powers. Who else do we know that’s a hired assassin with ectoplasm powers? Aruna!”
Tris put both of her hands up to her head and made a “mind blown” motion.
“We should totally go talk to her and see if she can give us a lead,” the succubus continued.
“Sister Tristitia is right,” Cupi added coyly. “Despite her Sloth-like nature, she occasionally does have moments of brilliance.”
Tris just shrugged. “I blame the weed,” she explained.
“I told you the ‘Mindfucker’ strain made you think on a different existential plane.” Todd snickered.
“Then I guess that’s where we need to start.” I nodded as I picked up my phone, removed Aruna’s business card from my wallet, and then proceeded to dial the number.
It was time we met up with our old Rakshasi assassin.
Chapter 7
“A museum?” Todd sighed as we pulled into the parking garage of the Arizona Museum of Natural History. “This better not be some elaborate trick to get the Toddster to learn, bro.”
“I wouldn’t think of it.” I chuckled as I pulled Shadow into an empty spot. “Besides, I bet you already know more about dinosaurs and shit than the rest of us put together.”
“Bro, bro, bro.” Todd shook his head and clicked his tongue. “Everybody knows that dinosaurs are really just the remains of ancient Lizard people. They just got rearranged so that they looked like inhuman beasts at the demand of the ones that are still around today.”
I killed the ignition and then looked over at the imp. “That’s pretty crazy, Todd,” I mused. “Even for you.”
“Go ahead and laugh.” Todd shrugged and took one final puff of his joint. “But who’ll be the one laughing when they finally reveal themselves as our new overlords? It will be me, cause I told you so. Of course, I won’t be happy that I’m enslaved, but at least I’ll be right.”
“Sure thing, bro.” I chuckled and stepped out of the vehicle. “You know I’m like a demon lord now? Even if there are lizard people, I’m guessing that we are all a few rungs higher on the power ladder.”
“But they are still scary,” Todd said, as he turned invisible.
“You’re not turning human for this mission?” Libidine asked to the space where the imp had just been standing.
“Are you crazy?” Todd’s voice echoed through the parking garage. “They charge twelve bucks a pop to get into this place. That’s twelve dollars that would cover one of my subscriptions to those premium porn sites. I’m gonna stay invisible for this one.”
“Uh, sites?” I asked. “As in plural? How much are you spending on that?”
“That’s for the Toddster to know, and you to find out,” the imp’s voice explained. “On second thought, you probably don’t want to find out. No worries though, bro. I pay for them all using the revenue I get from my blog.”
“You get actual money for that?” I asked curiously.
“It’s not much,” the disembodied voice explained, “but it’s enough to cover my expenses.”
The rest of the women slipped out of the car, and then we all made our way toward the entrance. For this mission, in addition to our core cast of Liby, Cupi, Todd, and me, we had asked Tris and Gula to join us.
The short redheaded succubus had already proven herself an expert in combat against our previous assassin, so it was a no-brainer that we brought her along. Although Aruna had reassured me over the phone that she was currently a free agent, there was a very small chance that we were walking into a trap.
If that was the case, I wanted our most rawly powerful succubus in the mix.
Tris, on the other hand, wasn’t the greatest combatant, but she kept showing signs of brilliance every now and again in between her baked-out hazes. Plus, she could conjure up waves of undead zombies to fight for us, and that was fucking cool. Not to mention, it was her idea to talk to Aruna in the first place. What kind of a dick would I be if I didn’t invite her along?
We walked out of the parking garage and were instantly met with the intense heat from the Arizona sun as it wafted up off the parking lot.
“Good Exalted One,” Tris nearly wheezed. “Of all the places here on Earth Realm, why did you choose to live here? It’s nearly as hot as Hell out here.”
“It’s just a dry heat, Slothy,” Todd explained. “You’ll get used to it in no time.”
“This is why I almost never leave the house.” The Sister of Sloth sighed.
“Cheer up, sister,” Libidine mused as we approached the front of the building. “Soon, we’ll be inside, surrounded by all sorts of cool exhibits and artifacts. Doesn’t that sound like fun?”
Tris let out a groan. “That’s what a museum is?” she bemused. “I’m gonna have to learn stuff? My brain is already so tired.”
“See?” Todd added. “I’m not the only one bummed that this is where we chose to meet Aruna.”
“It’s nearly thirty minutes out from our home, and it’s a public place,” I explained. “I just wanted to take some precautions, just in case things go south with the Rakshasi.”
“I think you’ll be fine,” Cupi spoke up. “Aruna is very attracted to you. She said so herself the last time we met, remember?”
“What, you mean that time where she tried to decapitate us all with her chakram?” I laughed.
“She is definitely into you,” Libidine continued. “I’d recognize those looks she was giving you anywhere. Mostly because it’s the ones that were on Cupi’s face the first month that we were together.”
The blonde succubus slapped Liby angrily on the shoulder and shot her sister a dirty look.
“Still,” Gula interrupted, “Aruna is a Rakshasa assassin, and those demons are ridiculously strict when it comes to their code. If somebody hired her to set up a trap for us, it won’t matter if she likes Jacob or not.”
“That’s why you guys are both here.” I smiled
at the redhead. “If things end up taking a downturn, I’ve got four of my best warriors here at my side.”
The sound of Todd’s throat clearing echoed from his invisible body.
“Five best warriors,” I corrected.
The exterior of the Arizona Museum of Natural History wasn’t your stereotypical museum architecture with sprawling windows and a chrome and white color scheme. Instead, it looked like the Alamo. The entire front of the building was in the Tuscan style, built from what looked like yellowish-tan stucco and featuring large blocks of empty space that would have normally characterized a Spanish fortress. The sign was fairly plain, as it read Arizona Museum of Natural History in big, red letters.
We walked into the building and looked around at the brown and tan interior.
“Ugh,” Todd’s voice mused. “This isn’t even one of the cool museums if there is such a thing.”
“We needed a place that was public, but not too public,” I explained. “I think this fits the bill nicely.”
We walked up to the counter, paid for our admission with our earnings from Shax, and then entered into the main lobby. The main area of the museum was meant to look like a cross between a rotunda and a Spanish villa, complete with several cool-looking fossils. The roof of the lobby was circular and tall, supported by stucco-style pillars, and it had the same brown and white color scheme as the rest of the place. In the center of the place stood a massive skeleton of a large, elephant-like creature.
“What kind of a conspiracy theory do you have for that mammoth, Todd?” I asked sarcastically as we walked up to the exhibit.
“First off, that’s a mastodon, bro,” the imp’s voice explained. “You can tell by the structure of the skull. And to answer your question, there’s no conspiracy behind these things. They were the ancient ancestors of elephants. Duh.”
“Duh, Jacob.” Libidine giggled in response.
“So they had to kill these beasts themselves?” Gula asked. “Is this like some sort of big-game hunter’s trophy room?”
“No, no,” I explained. “These things have been dead for a long, long time. Millions of years, actually. They’re fossils.”
