by Eric Vall
“We don’t really have any other choice, bro,” Todd reminded me from the passenger seat of our Jeep. “It’s either this, or he was gonna bring his army to us. And I totally don’t need my bedroom getting fucked up again. I’ve got a good Feng Shui going on in there right now. I come home from a long day of demon hunting and podcasting, light a few candles, sit back in my reclining chair, flip on my HD monitor, grab the Jergen’s out of the drawer--”
“We get it, Todd,” I cut him off before he could finish his thought.
“I don’t,” Liby admitted from the backseat. “It sounds like a relaxing way to unwind, with some scented candles and a good movie and a comfy chair. You’ll have to elaborate on who this ‘Jergen’ is, though. Is he some sort of movie star you like?”
“Lib,” Todd snickered. “Me and Jergen’s go waaaaay back. You could even say he’s gotten me through some of the hardest times of my life.”
“Stoppppp,” I said as I stifled a gag.
“What’s the matter, Jakey?” the mischievous imp continued. “Don’t tell me you haven’t spent a lot of time with Jergen. We went to college together, remember? You can’t hide the past from me.”
“Wow,” Cupi spoke up from behind. “It sounds like you guys and Jergen are close. Why haven’t we gotten to meet him yet?”
“I dunno.” The imp giggled. “He likes to keep to himself. It’s like he’s always bottling himself up.”
“We’re doing Dad jokes now?” I asked the imp with a raised eyebrow.
A sharp grin spread across Todd’s face. “What?” he said with a shrug of his shoulders. “I’m just trying to lighten the mood a little bit and keep myself occupied until I can test out that sweet minigun. You have no idea how hard that’s been, bro.”
Before we had set out on our journey, Raphael made sure that we didn’t forget the minigun Todd had been so over the moon about earlier. The Archangel was able to mount the deadly weapon on top of Shadow, and it was currently locked, loaded, and ready to shred through Daeva like they were made of paper. The most genius part of the whole setup was how it was concealed. I was a tad concerned that driving around with a minigun mounted to the roof of our Jeep would turn some heads and draw unwanted attention to our group after all. So, the Archangel installed what looked like a plastic cargo carrier box over the deadly machine gun. Now, it just looked like we were a little old Southwestern family headed off on a road trip, and not a band of deadly demon hunters.
“The worst part is I don’t even know if you will get a chance to use it,” I admitted. “If we’re really going through with the whole ‘yo-yo’ tactic, we don’t really have room for a giant-ass Jeep in our ranks.”
“Bro,” Todd clicked his tongue, “there’s always room for a giant-ass Jeep with a minigun attached. I will personally find a way to make it happen even if it’s just celebrating by firing it up into the air on the way back.”
“That sounds like a very unwise idea,” Sia chimed in. “It’d be a waste of bullets, and it could be potentially dangerous…”
Todd flipped around in his seat and gave the redhead a funny look. “Listen, Strawberry Shortcake,” he explained. “If we really pull this shit off, we deserve to celebrate in any way possible. And if that means the Toddster has to go all Rambo on the night sky, so be it.”
“Speaking of which,” Liby chuckled, “where is your bandana? I thought you told me you needed it to feel like a badass?”
Todd felt at his forehead, and then his face went slack in horror. “Well shit,” he gasped and turned to me. “Jakey, we have to go back. I can’t become Toddbo without my headband.”
“We’re almost here, Todd,” I said as I shot down the imp. “We can’t turn back now. Besides, that would confuse the fuck out of the rest of the crew.”
I glanced up in the rearview mirror to make sure we were still being followed. Two bright yellow headlights reflected back at me, and I had to avert my eyes so that I wouldn’t be blinded. That would be the rest of our band of merry demon slayers.
Shadow only had room for five people or six if Todd was willing to sit on somebody’s lap. With nine people in the party, this was obviously an issue. Thankfully, that’s where Stella came in. Raph, Ira, Gula, and Tris had all decided that they wanted to take the bright red Maserati GT for a joyride, so they followed close behind us as we drove.
“Okay, fine,” Todd conceded. “I’ll do without the headband, but I’m definitely using that minigun before the night is over.”
“Fair enough, bro,” I said with a smile.
“Do you think the rest of the group will be there on time?” Sia asked with a twinge of worry in her voice. “I fear we might have another Battle of Hell’s Gate situation on our hands if they are not.”
“Oliver promised that the cultists would be there when we got there,” I reassured the succubus. “He might be a little scatter-brained sometimes, but there’s a reason he’s the leader of my followers. Oliver hasn’t let me down yet.”
“What about the Rakshasi?” the redhead continued. “Do you think we can count on her to--”
“Relax, Superbia,” Cupi said soothingly. “If Aruna is really getting paid, she’ll be there. There’s no need to worry.”
“Honestly, I think the tiger-woman would be there even if she weren’t getting thousands of dollars of our hard-earned money,” Todd added. “She’s got the hots for Jakey. Just another demon woman swayed over by the power of his penis.”
“Wait,” Cupi said as if she had an epiphany. “Say that again.”
“What?” Todd looked beyond confused. “The power of Jakey’s penis? That’s really not something I want to--”
“No, no,” the blonde succubus mused. “The first part.”
“Where I called Aruna a tiger-woman?” the imp asked.
“Yes!” Cupi exclaimed as she clapped her hands together. “Why didn’t we think of that before? Aruna is a shapeshifter. She could be the key to ending this battle before it even begins!”
“What do you mean?” I asked curiously.
“Call Gula and ask her if she thinks we can hold the line with just nine groups,” the fit succubus demanded.
I fumbled in my pocket, pulled out my phone, and dialed Raphael’s number. The line rang for a moment, and then there was the sound of the phone being clicked open.
“Hello?” Raph answered. “Jacob? Is everything alright?”
“Hey, Raph,” I greeted the Archangel. “You’re on speaker. Cupi has a question for Gula.”
“Yes?” I heard the Sister of Gluttony’s timid voice ask in the distance. “I’m all ears, Sister.”
Cupi’s blonde locks whipped over the middle of the console as she leaned in to speak. “Okay, master strategist,” the succubus spoke grimly, “how much does our battle plan change if we only have nine groups and not ten?”
There was a short silence on the other side as if Gula couldn’t comprehend what was being said. “Honestly, nothing,” the succubus answered. “It just means we probably have to clump closer together, but that’s it. Why?”
“Because,” Cupi grinned, even though her sister couldn’t see it, “I have an idea on how to use our Rakshasi.”
We continued down the road for another twenty minutes, and then the GPS informed us that we had finally arrived at our destination. Of course, our “destination” was still far out in the middle of the desert, but this was just the spot on the highway that was parallel.
As I rolled Shadow to a stop on the side of the road, I saw that there was a massive line of vehicles that were already waiting for us. Hundreds of people in dark navy robes stood around in the sand as they chatted, smoked, and sparred, and I felt a swelling of pride.
Oliver and Jane had done it. It might have been a small force, but we now had a legitimate army.
The second I stepped out of the vehicle, Oliver and Jane were on me.
“What do you think, Jacob?” the white-haired man asked proudly as he motioned to the crowd of cultists. “D
o you think this will be enough soldiers?”
I reached out and shook Oliver’s hand enthusiastically. “Oliver,” I said as I grinned like an idiot, “you’ve really outdone yourself this time. Good job.”
The eyes of the white-haired man went wide, and he looked like he was off in a trance. A huge smile spread across his face, and then he turned to Jane.
“Did you hear that?” he asked. “Our master said I did well!”
Jane crossed her arms over her massive chest and shot me a dirty look. “And what about me?” she joked. “I was the one who brought together the entire southeast sector.”
I patted the brunette cultist on the shoulder tenderly. “I’d say you outdid yourself too, Jane,” I flirted, “but I already expect the world from you. You go above and beyond every single day.”
Jane gave me a playful swat on the arm and laughed. “Good save, Jacob,” she chuckled, “good save.”
“Holy shit, Ollie.” Todd whistled when he saw all the cultists. “Are these people all from the group orgy chat?”
“No, no,” Oliver corrected. “We like to keep that more intimate. There’s only thirty people or so in that group.”
“That still sounds like it’d be really confusing,” Todd admitted. “How do you know whose nudes are whose?”
“That’s the beauty of it!” The white-haired man grinned. “You don’t know!”
“Huh,” Todd mused, looked down at the cultist’s feet, and then started to laugh hysterically. “Hold up, you wore your socks and crocs to a battle?”
Oliver’s eyebrow raised as he watched the imp fall over onto the ground and roll around cackling. “Why wouldn’t I?” he asked without shame. “If I’m going to die, I want to die comfortably.”
“What’s-- What’s next?” Todd got off between snorts. “Are you gonna tell me you’ve got elastic-band sweatpants under your robe?”
“Of course not,” the white-haired man protested. “I’d never make such a fashion faux pas.”
“Is that so?” Jane snickered knowingly. “Why don’t you tell him what you’ve really got going on under there?”
Todd rolled over onto his belly and bent his legs up behind him like a preteen girl gossiping on the phone. “Ohhh,” he begged, “do tell.”
“If you must know…” Oliver sighed and undid the belt on his robe.
The old man opened up his cloak like some sort of creepy flasher, and when I saw what was underneath, I almost wished he had been.
“Are those…” Todd started. “Are those cargo shorts?”
Todd’s face looked completely devoid of emotion as if his brain was trying to process what he was seeing. Then, his eyes lit up with realization, and his body began to tremble with laughter.
“They’re-- they’re camouflage and everything,” Todd said in disbelief. “I think I can die now, Jakey, because I don’t see life getting any more hilarious than this.”
“What’s wrong with wearing cargo shorts?” Oliver scoffed as he closed his robe back over his body. “I’m a busy man with a lot of stuff to carry around. They’re comfy, and they fit my needs perfectly. Do you have any idea how hot it gets in these robes?”
Todd motioned to his naked body and snickered. “Can’t say I do, bro. Can’t say I do.”
“Are you guys seriously talking about fashion choices right now?” a familiar voice asked in annoyance. “Don’t we have a battle to win?”
I looked over and saw Aruna approaching, and the beauty of the woman nearly knocked me over on my ass. The Rakshasi had her sleek black locks tied back in a ponytail, but she still allowed the sides to cascade down and frame her slender face. On her torso, she wore a brilliant silver breastplate that was form-fitted to her chest and had a design as if it were made up of dragon scales. Underneath the armor, the Rakshasi had on a garment of vibrant red fabric that draped down to her knees like a waterfall of color. On each arm, she wore a silver gauntlet similar to her chestplate, and her entire uniform was completed by a leather belt that held her chakram and bhuj dagger.
“You like?” Aruna purred when she saw me gawking. “It’s the traditional battle armor of the Rakshasi. I only bust it out when I’m on a mission that could get ugly.”
“Wait,” Cupi observed from behind me, “you weren’t wearing that when you were hunting down Tris and Gula.”
The Rakshasi shot Cupi a wink. “No, I wasn’t,” she said coyly.
“Ouch, lady,” Tris mocked as her, and the rest of the gang approached. “I know we were the Sisters of Sloth and Gluttony, but sheesh, show some respect.”
“It had nothing to do with respect,” Aruna admitted. “I just figured you two wouldn’t be that much of a problem. Of course, then I met Jacob, and that all changed.”
“The power of your penis, bro,” Todd whispered with a giggle.
“I’m glad you’re here, Aruna,” Raphael said as he approached with an outstretched hand. “You’re just the Rakshasi we wanted to talk to.”
“Really?” Aruna feigned surprise. “It’s always good to be wanted.”
“We want you to use your powers to kill Uriel,” I cut in. “If you can take on the form of a Daeva and sneak up on him through the ranks of his own army, we can end this whole battle before it even starts.”
“That’s quite clever,” the Rakshasi mused. “Did you come up with that yourself?”
“Actually, it was Cupi,” I admitted. “She’s the combat expert around here. Anyway, do you think you can do it?”
“Please,” Aruna scoffed. “It’ll be like child’s play.”
“What if we just tried to subdue him?” Raph suggested, much to the dismay of everyone else in the group. “He may be a fallen angel, but he’s still my responsibility.”
“Aha!” Cupi declared in victory. “So he is a fallen angel now!”
“I can make no promises,” Aruna shrugged. “Obviously, subduing an Archangel is going to be hard to do. Which means--”
“More money,” I finished her sentence with a sigh. “Of course we’ll compensate you fairly, no matter which method you employ.”
“That’s what I like to hear!” Aruna grinned. “Now, when do we get started?”
“Right now.” I nodded as I looked out over my cultists.
I walked over to an empty clearing, created a few platforms of violet Hellfire, and then walked up them like stairs. Soon, I was nearly ten feet above everybody on the ground, and I could see far beyond the large group of cultists. Off on the horizon, there was a soft glow of what appeared to be fire.
Surely that was Uriel and his troops. I took a deep breath, turned around to face my followers, and tried to calm my nerves.
“Excuse me, everyone!” I called out into the chattering crowd.
They all instantly went silent and turned their eyes to me. I felt a small twinge of nervousness shoot down my spine, but I quickly pushed it down and out of my mind.
“Look,” I admitted to the crowd, “I’m no good at speeches, so I’ll just make this quick. Words can’t describe how thankful I am that you all came out here today to support our cause. The uneasy alliance between Uriel and Beelzebub is more than just a threat to me and all my followers, but to everyone who lives on Earth Realm. As much as I’d love to tell you that this will be easy, it won’t be. In fact, it’s going to hard as fuck. But if we play our cards right, we can win. We have to win.”
I took another deep breath and then continued. “You mortal cultists are going to act as infantry. The succubi, Archangel, your leaders, and Todd and I will act as ‘knights’ in this situation. Your goal is to form a barrier around us and keep the Daeva at bay until we’re strong enough to attack on our own. They’re going to be coming at us from all angles, so it’s up to you to keep them off us. Once we’re ready, we’ll charge out, take out as many as we can, and then come back before things get too hairy. Wash, rinse, repeat until the Army of the Dejected is decimated. Sound good?”
The cultists and the succubi tossed their hands up in
to the air and let out a triumphant “yah!” in unison.
“Alright, so we’re dividing up into three units, each composed of three ‘knights,’” I announced. “Todd, Raph, Liby, and I will take the center unit. Gula, Cupi, and Sia will take the right. That just leaves Ira, Oliver, Jane, and Tris for the last one.”
The crowd listened to my battle plan with bated breath, and then they erupted in cheers when they realized I was finished. I hopped down off the glowing platforms and walked over to my friends.
“That was beautiful, bro,” Todd said through a sniffle and wiped away a tear. “That was totally some Braveheart shit.”
“I’d totally follow you after that speech,” Cupi joked.
“Ha ha.” I shot back sarcastically and then turned to the rest of the group. “Alright, guys, let’s get into position.”
We split up and formed our three units, and then we came to create a single-file line. Oliver raised his hand into the air and let out a whistle.
“Cult of Ralston, forward!” he exclaimed in an over-the-top fashion, and then the entire small army started to march.
The coordinates Uriel had given us were a little under a mile away from where we had parked, and it took us a good twenty minutes before we finally reached our destination. As we came over a small hill of sand and dirt, we saw what we were up against.
In front of us sprawled a large plain filled only with desert plants and the occasional cactus. About five hundred feet away stood hundreds of Daeva, their tiny black-and-red bodies illuminated by the light of the torches they carried. Above them hovered Uriel on his massive feathered wings.
The fallen Archangel was decked out in full battle attire, with white combat pants on his legs and a white suit of body armor on his torso. His signature red shawl was fastened across his chest by a golden clasp, and the crimson fabric fluttered in the wind behind him.
“So glad you could join us, Jacob,” Uriel’s voice boomed. “Although I must admit I’m disappointed that you brought so many of your friends along. No matter. Once your followers witness my strength firsthand, they’ll turn on you just like they did to Azazel.”
