by Leah Holt
He looked like he wanted to say more, like he had so many more words to give me. But he didn't, he stopped there, hanging his head and braiding his fingers together.
“How old are you?” I asked, taking another drink from the cup.
“Fifteen.”
I was close.
We both sat quietly for a few seconds, but that silence was uncomfortable. I wanted to talk and learn, with the hopes that conversation was the key to my memories coming back. I could feel it, I could feel that my past was there, but it felt like it was on mute.
“How old do you think I am?”
Shrugging his shoulder, he lifted his head. “I don't know, about my age.”
“Hm, maybe.”
He could be right, it felt like that was the right answer, but I didn't know for sure.
“I've never seen you around here before, so I don't think you live here.” Popping his eyes open wide, his mouth dropped into his chest. “I've got an idea, we could look through my yearbook, maybe you're a little older than me.”
That's perfect!
“Yeah, let's do that. Can you go get it?”
Birch jumped from the seat and ran out of the room. He wasn't gone long, only a minute or two before he returned with a big book under his arm. “We can go through tenth grade. I'm in ninth, so I know you're not in my grade.”
“Ninth?”
“Yeah, my parents kept me back in kindergarten. My dad said he didn't think I was ready to move up. It is what it is, I didn't have a say in it. Like everything else around here, it's not up to me.” His eyes flickered, pupils dancing in the sockets as he looked at me.
I was tempted to ask him what he meant, why he had said it with such disdain for his father. Wasn't that how it worked? Weren't your parents the ones who made all the decisions?
Angling my head, I parted my lips, ready to question him. But I stopped myself. It didn't really matter what his relationship was like with his parents. I needed to find out who I was, I needed to go home, to my parents.
“Do you think I'm in there?” I asked, pushing a loose strand of hair behind my ear.
“I don't know, let's find out.” Pulling out the seat next to me, he flipped through the pages until he found the section he was looking for. Folding the yearbook open on the table, we both started scanning the pictures.
Throwing out my finger, I pointed at a young girl. “That kind of looks like me.” She had the same hair, same small round nose. The resemblance was so close, my heart started to beat faster as I leaned in closer. Thinning my lips with disappointment, I shook my head. “No, no it's not. Keep going.”
We went through every single picture, and nothing. I wasn't in there. I came from another place, a different school or city all together. It was deflating to not find my image in that book. I was really hoping that it would have been that easy.
I was praying that I had just been out for a walk and hit my head, and that my parents were only a few blocks away. Or that I had gotten lost and disoriented, and in a panic my brain had shut down completely, erasing everything I had once known.
Nothing was that simple. It would never be that simple.
After about an hour, Nick came back into the room, but he had no answers. He said he had called the police to see if there were any reports of missing children, and that he had tried the hospital too to see if any parents had called looking for their child.
It was a dead end, no one had yet.
No one is looking for me. . .
My eyes began to well up, the water bubbling over the surface and teetering on the thin edge of my lids. Dipping my head into my chest, I tried not to cry. I didn't want to let myself get worked up again just because the answers hadn't jumped out right away.
But I couldn't ignore the feelings that came over me. I felt lost and abandoned, unloved, unwanted and not missed.
What type of parents did I have?
Why weren't they looking for me?
You don't know anything yet. Maybe I haven't been missing for that long? Maybe I'm supposed to be somewhere else and they haven't noticed I'm gone yet.
But I don't look like I just vanished, it looks like I've been out here for a while.
Maybe I ran away. . .
“Don't let this get you down,” Nick said, tipping my head up so he could look me in the eyes. “This doesn't end here, we'll keep looking. For now, you're welcome to stay with us for as long as you need to.”
“I can't thank you enough for this. I don't know where I'd go or what I'd do if you hadn't found me.”
“Our home is your home, you don't have to worry about having nothing.” Smiling, he nudged my chin with his fist. “I'm going to make sure that no matter what, you're taken care of.”
Nick made me feel welcomed, he made me feel safe in their home. There was an extra bedroom I could use, and Birch gave me some clean clothes to wear.
And even though I was scared, sad, angry—painfully aware of the fact that no one was out there looking for me yet; having this family beside me felt good.
Tomorrow was a new day. The police would help me, they would get it out there that a young girl was desperately seeking the family she had lost. My memories would eventually come back, and all of this would be behind me. . .
Luck was a funny thing. It either rained on you day after day or left you out to dry and turn to dust.
But my luck, it was backwards. My luck had delivered me to a family, it had dropped me into the lives of people who cared about me even though they didn't know me.
It had erased what I knew and gave me something special.
Maybe what's behind me isn't worth finding at all.
Nick arched a brow, rubbing his chin in thought. “We need to call you something until we find out who you are. What do you want us to call you?”
“I. . . I don't know.”
“Well, you need a name, little one. How about Julie?” Scrunching my face, I furrowed my brows. That name didn't fit, it just didn't feel like me. “Okay, that's a no.” Taking a step back, he crossed his arms over his chest. “Bella? That's a nice name.”
“What about Cyprus?” Birch chimed in, pushing the yearbook across the table and turning in his seat. “You were under a Cyprus tree when I found you, it's a pretty name.”
Cyprus. . . I like it.
One year later
“Hey, I've got something to show you.” Birch poked my shoulder and smirked. “Come on, follow me.”
Placing the magazine on my thighs, I pushed my sunglasses up. “Follow you where?”
“It's a surprise.”
“A surprise? What kind of surprise?”
Shoving my leg with his foot, he playfully snapped. “Just get up, enough with all the questions.”
“This better be good.” Swinging my legs off the lounge chair, I grabbed my sun dress and slipped it over my head. “Do I need shoes for this?”
“Yeah, and bring your towel.” Birch jogged to the patio doors and yelled inside. “Mom, Cyprus and I will be back in a bit!”
Valentina stepped to the screen door, wiping flour-covered hands on a dish towel. “Where are you two going?”
His mother was amazing. She came from Italy, and nothing she ever made came from a box. The woman would spend hours kneading dough for pasta, breads, and everything in between. For the past year she had even been home schooling me.
Since Nick still didn't have any new answers about who I was, I couldn't enroll in Birch's school. We were all guessing that I was the same age as Birch, but we didn't know for sure, and we didn't know why or how I ended up out in the woods. Nick and Valentina had decided it was best for me to just stay there where it was safe.
It still hurt to not know who I was exactly, but I was happy living there. They treated me like I was their daughter, not once did I ever feel like I didn't belong.
Each day the pain I felt became lighter, and less of a burden to my emotions. It never went away, but it wasn't always in the front of my mind. I was
beginning to feel at home, like this was the family I was meant to have all along.
Drawing her hand over Birch's forehead, she pushed his hair back out of his face. “I don't want you two out causing trouble, Birch.” Her long brown hair fell around her face, the thick braid swinging down over her shoulder and swaying back and forth. Eyeing us both curiously, she arched a brow in wonder.
Swatting her hand away, he ruffled his hair back into place. “No, Mom, I want to show her. . .” Whispering, he leaned in closer and covered his mouth so I couldn't hear what he was saying.
His mom smiled and nodded her head. “Just be careful.” Birch turned and started back towards me, but stopped short as his mother spoke. “Dinner is at six, don't be late, your father is having guests tonight.”
“Got it, six o'clock, no problem.” Grinning, he walked quickly, snatching my wrist as he passed by and headed towards the woods. “Come on, you're going to love this.”
We hiked for a bit through the trees and thick foliage. Birch kept glancing at me with excited eyes and a big toothy smile. But he refused to tell me where he was taking me.
“It's just a little bit further.”
Wiping sweat off my forehead, I groaned. “That's what you said twenty minutes ago.”
“I swear, it really is.” Stopping at a ridge, he turned to face me. “Okay, close your eyes.”
“What? Why?”
“Just close your eyes, Cyprus. Trust me, it will be worth it.”
Stuffing my arms into my ribs, I kicked my hip out. “Alright, but if you're messing with me, and I open my eyes to a dead animal or something—”
Holding out his hand, he cut me off. “It's not a dead animal, I promise. Just shut your eyes.”
Pursing my lips, I did what he asked, and closed them tight. I felt his hands curl gently around my wrists, and butterflies began to swarm in my belly. His touch had started to affect me differently lately than it used to.
Most of the time he would give me a playful punch or he would tug my hair and laugh. Birch liked to mess with me, teasing me with stupid pranks and things only an immature boy would find funny.
Normally I would yell at him, hitting him back and storming off annoyed. Then something changed, he stopped his games and his touch became tender and delicate. He would look at me with more in his eyes than just a kid who got his jollies out of being a pain in the ass.
What I don't think he realized was that I had started to enjoy his touch, to crave that tiny bit of intimacy. I found myself brushing my shoulder against his if we passed in the hall just to get that warm and fuzzy feeling in my gut. I would wait for him to be in the kitchen and would purposely go and get something out of a cupboard he was near just so I could smell his cologne or graze his body in some way.
It was stupid, I knew that. All the little ways I manipulated my position just to feel his skin on mine. I couldn't help it, it was like I was falling into this rabbit hole of desire I couldn't explain and didn't understand.
But his touch today was so different. He initiated this contact, he brought his fingers to my skin and I sensed a change. Right then, when he gripped my wrists and held my arms, everything inside my body screamed with delight.
Birch's fingertips were careful and soft as the pads of his fingers pressed against my pulse. There was no strength or force behind it, no joking tickle or blindsided wet finger in my ear.
His skin sizzled against mine, forcing a tingle to run up my arm and curl around my ribs. My heart slammed around inside my chest, thudding so loudly I thought he might be able to hear it where he stood.
Guiding me forward, he pulled me along. “Don't open them, keep them closed.”
“I will, don't worry. I won't peek.” His thumbs softly swirled over the nubs on my wrists, and my skin ignited in goosebumps, sending sharp hairs up my arms.
Swallowing hard, I kept my eyes sealed shut and took in a few deep breaths to try and calm my nerves.
Stopping, he released my arms, and the ground crunched as he stepped up to my side. “Okay, you can look now.”
Peeling my eyes open, I looked out onto a glistening pond. A giant rock protruded from in the middle, and the water was so clear I could see right to the bottom.
I didn't speak, I couldn't. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.
“Pretty sweet, huh?”
“It's amazing, Birch.” Leaning over the edge, I looked down. “How high up are we?”
“It's only fifteen feet, maybe a little more.” Peeling off his shirt, he dropped it to the ground.
The sun hit his chest and I noticed how muscular he had become. It was as if over these past few months his body had gone from boy into full blown man.
His pecs were firm with defined lines. A thin bushel of hair decorated the center of his chest, disappearing and picking up at his naval. I tried not stare, but it was useless.
These feelings I was having for him were growing out of control. My body would get all tingly and hot, my heart would pick up and start to beat faster and faster until I thought it was going to shoot out of my chest.
I fought it, I tried to wrangle the emotions he brought out. But every day it seemed harder and harder to keep my hormones in check.
“You ready?” he asked, giving me a wink.
“Ready for what?”
Birch's lips rolled towards his ears, cheeks puffing with a grin. Taking one long step back, he turned his head out towards the water and jumped. “Wooo!” he yelled, his voice echoing off the tamed glass surface.
I heard him splash into the water before I could get to the edge. Looking down, he was smiling up at me with one closed eye. “Come on! Your turn!”
“I'm not sure about this!” I called down, shaking my head. “Are you sure it's deep enough?”
“Trust me, Cyprus.”
“But what if I land on a rock or something?”
“Stop being a pussy and just jump already! You got this, trust me!” The way he said it made me believe him. Birch was always so confident, so sure of himself and his ideas.
Taking a deep breath, I stood up, shaking my hands by my sides. Stepping back a few feet, I closed my eyes.
I didn't think about how far down the water was, or the rocks I could see just under the surface. I trusted him, I trusted him with everything I had.
And I jumped.
The water was cold, splashing up my nose and making it burn. Kicking my feet, I swam back to the top, taking in a huge gulp of air.
Waving my arms back and forth through the water, I spun in a circle, looking for Birch. But he was gone.
“Birch! Birch!” Twisting my head back and forth, I started to worry that I had landed on him when I jumped in and knocked him out.
Oh God, where is he? Where the hell is he?
“Ahh!” I screamed as he lurched out from under the water, right next me.
“Nice jump, great form.” Laughing, he tipped his head back, dipping his hair into the water to get it out of his eyes.
Splashing water into his face, I snapped. “You just scared the shit out of me!”
Our eyes connected, his smile fading as he paddled in so we were almost touching chest to chest. Every sound around us went silent. It felt like it was just the two of us, there were no birds chirping or trees rustling in the wind.
His lids hovered half open, as droplets of water balanced on the tips of his lashes, reminding me of crystal raindrops. Birch blinked, and I watched the tiny drops break free, cascading down his cheeks and disappearing into the wet hair on his chest.
The water shifted us together, causing our legs and feet to tangle. We didn't speak, we just stared into each others eyes.
My stomach went wild, turning and flipping. Tingles and electric pops hit my veins, making my blood bubble like lava.
We had never been that close before. Not like that, not half clothed, with no one around to stop us from doing something stupid.
Birch leaned in, bringing his lips to my ear. “Can I t
ell you something?”
I couldn't answer him. My tongue wouldn't work and my brain forgot how to speak as his words washed over my skin like silk. All I could do was nod.
“I like you, and I think you like me. But if I'm reading it all wrong, you have permission to slap me.”
Slap him? Why would I slap him?
Tipping my head a hair, I was about to ask him what he meant. I didn't have the chance.
His lips pressed against mine with a hard kiss. That was the first time I had been kissed by a boy—that I could remember.
His eyes were closed as his smooth lips massaged mine. Flapping my arms up and down to stay above water, my body went up in flames. I felt things I had never experienced before.
My stomach knotted, my ribs hurt, and my most sensitive spot had started to pulse. It was surreal, an out of body experience that I wasn't sure what to do with.
I knew what sex was, and I was well aware of the fact that neither one of us was prepared for that right now. But I didn't want him to stop, his lips felt so good against mine.
The small devil on my shoulder barked in my ear to keep going, to allow him to touch me in ways I had only dreamed about. The angel stepped in, reminding me that bad things can happen if we don't take precautions and things get out of control. I was at a loss, whose side was I supposed to take?
Do I pull away? Do I keep kissing him?
What are we doing here?!
I felt his tongue push past my lips, so I opened wider and accepted. The muscle was warm and wet, smooth and a little rougher than I expected. Swirling his tongue around mine, I copied his movement.
I wasn't too sure if I was doing it right, but he didn't stop me to give me a lesson or laugh at how awkward I was.
Birch kissed me.
And it felt right, it felt perfect, it felt like it was meant to be.
Pulling away, I hovered in the water, feeling like I was floating in the clouds.
Birch smiled, his mouth tinted red from where my lips had just been. “You didn't slap me. . .” Pausing, he bit his bottom lip with a grin. “Does that mean you liked it?”
