by Bry Ann
“You know I would have given fuck all about my career if you told me I had a daughter on the way Sam! I would have taken responsibility for her!”
“I know. That scared me. You would have been there and helped me and cared for me through it, and that scared me. I don’t know why. Time went by, and I just convinced myself it was for the best. By the time I realized I had screwed up, I felt it was too late. She had become this shining ray of light in my life, and I was scared by that point your anger for me would…. make you hate her.”
“How in God’s good name could I hate her?”
“I was just scared of that Logan. My dad hated me. I was scared you would hate her because of me.”
He sat back on his heels and ran his hand over his face. “Well, that’s over. What are we going to do now? I can’t just turn away now Sam. I won’t.”
“I know.”
“So, what the hell do you propose we do here? I mean she doesn’t even know!”
“What do you think we should do? What do you want to do Logan?”
“I mean first we have to tell her!”
His voice was angry, but it still sounded like more of a question.
“I won’t tell her until we have a plan. We need to have our shit together first. Do you understand that?”
“Yes, that makes sense.”
“Look Logan. I fully acknowledge this is all my fault, and as long as it does not hurt Jazmine in any way, I will do whatever you ask. I couldn’t be more truly sorry.”
“You are a hard person to hate because the truth is…. I believe you. I know you didn’t mean to cause all the damage you did, but here we are, and we have to work this out. Don’t screw up again Samantha. I am serious.”
“I know.”
“Why did you come back here?”
“I told you. I saw the article about Dana. I was really worried.”
“So you came all the way back here to make sure of what exactly?”
“I don’t know. It was so rash. I wasn’t even thinking about you and Jazmine. I just saw red and literally jumped on a plane from the park on Jazmine’s birthday and went straight to your office. I had to … I don’t know, I thought of the trouble being in the paper caused her last time. It’s my fault she even got involved with someone in that world in the first place, and I just have to fix it.”
“You know you are never boring Sam. Even with this new mother vibe you have going on you are still never boring.”
I blushed, and I hated it. I felt guilty. I had no right to blush right then. I wronged him in the worst possible way.
“Yeah well. I do care about Dana like a sister. I ….”
“You just don’t care about me?”
“No! No, I do care! I did care. That was why I left! I was falling in love with you. I had to go. I was a train wreck waiting to happen, or maybe I had already crashed. I couldn’t take you down with me Logan.”
Something in Logan snapped. He stood up red-faced, and I followed.
“DID YOU EVER STOP TO FUCKING THINK THAT I LOVED YOU TOO! HUH?! You just left! Threw the letter at me and left. You never even finished it. I cared about you so dang much, and you threw it my face. I thought you hated me. For years I thought you hated me. You broke my heart. It wasn’t until a few hours ago in that damn office that I realized my assumption all these years was wrong. You cared, but were too much of a coward to learn how to deal with it.”
“The letter? Oh my gosh my mom’s letter. I threw the last thing she ever said to me on the ground, didn’t I?” My head was buzzing. I felt sick in my own body. “Oh my gosh. I hate myself. So much.” I fell to the ground and sobbed uncontrollably. I almost forgot Logan was there until I felt something slid into my hand.
“What is this?”
“Your mom’s letter.”
“You kept it!”
“Just read it. She knew you better than I think you knew yourself.”
With shaking hands, I picked up the letter and started to read.
“My dearest Sam,
I am writing this while you are probably yelling at some customer for God knows what. I wanted to say a few things in case I left this world without being able to say them. The first thing is that I want you to know how grateful I am that you came into my life. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. My life was in shambles. I was lost, and then this stubborn, distrusting little girl walked into my front door, and I fell in love immediately. You made me earn your trust in me, and I loved every minute of watching you break down your walls. I could never have imagined that I would be the reason you already rock-solid walls would turn to steel.
You worked with everything you had to save me. To help me. To love me. You love with a passion I don’t think I have ever seen, and you aren’t even aware of it. You think of yourself as a selfish bitch and push everyone away because of this lie you have told yourself. I should have pushed you harder to love, but I just fell so in love with the person you were I didn’t want you to ever think I wasn’t beyond proud of you or that I ever doubted you. Now that I am gone I hope you already know I feel like the luckiest mom in the world for you to have chosen me to be your mother. I may have adopted you, but us being a family was because you allowed us to be. That, by far, is the greatest accomplishment of my life.
Now here is where I need you to listen, and listen well really. I wasn’t a lecturer during my life, but I am about to be in my death….
You need to let people love you. Let’s use an example. Logan adores you Sam. I don’t know what the future holds but don’t push that boy away. He may be famous and all that, but he’s alone. A feeling I am sure you can relate to. You guys have found companionship in one another. I don’t know what form that relationship will take, but go with the flow. Dana is a sweetheart, and the two of you love each other like sisters. Let that happen. She’s a ray of sunshine, and you are a bolt of lightning, both shine bright, focus on the similarities versus the differences. If you meet someone else, a friend, a boyfriend or what not, don’t forget the ones who loved you first. If you meet someone new, let them in too. Remember, you can never have too many people love you. Someone will hurt you one day. It’s life. Forgive them. It doesn’t mean you need to push everyone else away. Let pain take its course.
Now here is the important part.
Sam, you are hurting, and a part of that is because of me. Due to this pain, you will find yourself lost in ways you’ve never been before. It's okay to be lost. It gives you a chance to pave your way, but the reality is it will cause you to make stupid decisions. Decisions that will hurt the people you love. It breaks my heart that that’s a lesson you will have to learn the hard way but hear me. You can’t make people forgive you, love you or like you, but you can make yourself into someone you are proud of. Someone who doesn’t make the same mistake twice. And Sam, don’t make the same dumb mistakes twice! You never have before, and don’t start now out of fear.
Baby girl, I love you more than I even thought possible. You gave me love after the love of my life died. I need to be with him now.
Let people love you baby girl. You are worth loving, and one day you will learn that.
I am always with you-
Mom
I stared at her words for what seemed like an eternity before I just crashed.
“I hate myself,” I said simply. My body felt like a limp noodle. “I, I…”
Before I could ramble on any further Logan grabbed one of my arms and pulled me into his chest. I resisted at first, but then he pulled me closer, and I let myself fall into him. I cried uncontrollably, and he held me until I ran out of tears. Once I was nothing but a slimy mess Logan gently pulled me away.
“You okay?”
I nodded and pulled out of his grasp.
“Your mom was a wise woman.”
I nodded again in agreement.
“Do you think we can discuss Jazmine now?” Logan pulled me to his side and rubbed my arm. It wasn’t romantic, it was comforting
, but that didn’t stop my stupid body from being turned on by the kind, caring man next to me.
“Yeah, we can, but, um, you’re going to have to let me go if you want me to think straight.”
Logan looked at me and then burst out laughing.
“Oh my gosh despite changing so much I see your mouth hasn’t changed.”
I giggled. “You got hotter somehow. It’s not fair.”
He laughed. “Wow.”
He let me go with another burst of laughter. I would give anything to hear him laugh like that again.
We discussed Jazmine for the next two hours. Debating every possible option. It took a lot of time and a lot of arguing but in the end, we both came up with a solution that was best for Jazmine. Although, it meant both Logan and I’s lives were about to change irrevocably.
Chapter 16:
When we got home, Jazmine was in bed, and Dana was on the couch watching TV. It was still so weird to be back here with them. It felt like a dream.
Alexa texted me: you better let me know if your okay fucker.
I laughed and told her I was, and I didn’t know when I’d be back. She texted me an inappropriate text about Logan back, but I ignored it.
As soon as we walked into the house, Logan took off his jacket and sat on the couch by Dana. Oddly enough he seemed relaxed? That was freaking confusing because he had just agreed to life changing circumstances. I hovered awkwardly in the doorway unsure of what to say or do next.
“Um, I should probably grab Jazmine so we can, um, go?” Dana immediately jumped up.
“You can what?”
“Well go?”
“Do you think Logan is going to let you stay at a Motel 6?”
I looked at Logan. “Well yeah, I do. I don’t know. I can’t stay here.”
“Why?”
“Because of well....I….”
“Dana,” Logan said silencing her. “Sam, you are sleeping here. I’m not going to argue with you. I’m assuming Jazmine will want you with her when she wakes up until she feels comfortable here so you can sleep in her room. If you want your own room, there’s a room set up down that same hall to the right.”
“Wow,” Dana chimed, noticing the casual way in which Logan was talking to me. “Must have been some conversation you guys had.”
“It answered a lot of questions,” Logan said casually.
“I could use some answers too you know!” she called out.
Logan turned to her and held her gaze carefully.
“I swear on my life I will tell you, but not tonight. I want Jazmine to know the truth first. I don’t want her to feel like I told everyone before her. Can you understand that?”
“Yes. Unfortunately, I do.” Then Dana turned to me. “Look, Sam, I don’t care what happened between us, but if you hurt my brother again I swear to God….”
I cowered a bit, but Logan put a hand gently on his sister’s arm stopping her from going any further. Dana looked confused but dropped it. Logan and Dana had gotten closer in the years I’d been gone.
“I’m just gonna go to bed,” I said quietly. Logan nodded, and Dana looked at the floor.
The last thing I heard as I headed up the stairs was Dana telling Logan he better get to talking, and Logan starting to whisper some stuff to her. I didn’t want to hear what he said. I rushed down the hall to my baby. I walked into her room and saw her little body lying on the king size bed with the black sheets and Cherrywood bed post. She looked so small. So innocent. I immediately crawled into bed next to her, not even bothering to take off my clothes from the day before. I pulled her close to me, as close as I could get to her. The combination of her and the covers was very comforting after my shitstorm of a day.
“Mom?” her tiny voice whispered.
“Yeah, baby it’s mom.”
“Good, this bed is scary.”
I laughed softly. “Go to sleep sweetie.”
“Is LP here?” She let out a loud yawn.
“Yes, he’s downstairs.”
Soon after that we both fell asleep into a beautiful oblivion where my life was simple. Although my real life was no longer simple, and everything was changing around me, I would do everything I could to do to give the little girl in my arms the best life I could. I woke up the next morning and felt around for Jazmine. Nothing. She wasn’t in bed.
“Jazmine! Jazmine!” I called as I threw the covers off me and ran down the hall, sliding along the hardwood floors as I went.
I ran down the stairs and sprinted into the living room. She was sitting on the couch with Logan; both were eating a piece of bacon and watching TV. I froze and stared at the pair of them. They looked just alike. It was alarming.
“Is anyone home in there? Hello? Sam!”
“Oh, um, I….” I kept staring. I think Logan became aware of how similar he and Jazmine looked because he instantly dropped his feet. “Where’s Dana?”
“At the store. She should be back any minute.”
“Okay.” I rubbed my eyes.
“Do you know what time it is Sam?”
“Uh, 9 o’clock? I know I overslept. I….”
“Sam,” Logan said cutting me off. “It’s almost 2 o’clock in the afternoon.”
“What?” I turned pale white.
“Yeah,” Logan smirked, and Jazmine giggled.
“I’ve never…. I what? Two? How? I’m so sorry.”
“Sam, I knew you when you worked yourself silly, so I know you have never slept in this late. That’s why this is so funny. You look mortified.”
“I am.” I hid my face in my hands.
“Nice clothes too by the way.”
I looked down at the same clothes I was wearing yesterday. Shit, I didn’t bring anything. Not one freaking thing for Jazmine or me. My cheeks turned flaming red, and Logan noticed. He put his hand on his chin and thought. I saw the exact moment he figured out why I was so humiliated. The amusement in his eyes was unmistakable.
“Come to think of it; I didn’t see you come in with any bags yesterday.”
“I may or may not, um, need a store.” I winced.
Logan fell into a fit of laughter. “You left with no clothes! Wow, this was impulsive.”
“I didn’t think. I just acted. I was worried and, well, clearly my reaction was not warranted. However, I’m here, and I’m not leaving today so I at least need some clothes for Jazmine.”
Dana walked in. She dropped her groceries on the ground and came running over to me. She wrapped her arms around me and squeezed tight.
“Sam! Let’s start over okay?” She pulled away from me and looked at me meaningfully.
“Okay.” I hesitated. I wasn’t sure if she was just having a good day and was going to change her mind later. I was terrified of getting excited to rekindle our friendship and losing her.
“Logan told me everything. I get it. I mean you screwed up big time, don’t get me wrong, but you won’t do it again. I get it somehow,” she came close to my ear and started to whisper. “So does Logan. He’s all tough now, but he’s still really a softie.”
With that, she grabbed her grocery bags and headed to the kitchen to unpack. I debated on going to help her, but couldn’t tear my eyes away from the similarities between Logan and Jazmine. Finally, Jazmine got up and started tugging on my leg.
“Mom, what are we going to do today? Are we gonna have to go home?”
I crouched down. “Um no, actually we aren’t leaving today.”
“Yayy! We get to stay with LP again!” I laughed. Her excitement always brightened my day.
“Well, I...” I looked up at Logan. We had talked about the long-term plan and how we were going to handle Jazmine, but not how we were going to handle the next few days. We didn’t talk about how and when we were going to tell Jazmine Logan was her father. We didn’t talk about how long I was going to stay with him. I could tell Logan realized our mistake as well.
“Well first,” Logan jumped in for the save, “you and your mom need cloth
es, so maybe you, Dana, your mom and I could go to the store.”
She frowned. “Fine, I guess.”
Logan raised an eyebrow, so I turned to fill him in.
“Jazmine hates shopping.”
“Ahh well, we will be fast then. Obviously, I hate shopping too. We can ride in the limo on the way there.”
“Really?” She bounced up and down on her toes. She could barely contain her excitement. That car made her so dang happy.
“Yeah,” Logan laughed. “But it’s not a limo you know.”
“Don’t care.” She sat back down and smiled to herself.
“What are you guys watching?”
Logan stood up and walked over to me.
“I don’t know. Some stupid kids show,” he whispered.
“Welcome to my world,” I mumbled. He smiled.
“Have you eaten?”
“I mean I just woke up.”
“Well, it’s nearly two, so you should probably eat something small. We’ll get dinner after we go shopping.”
“I’m fine. I keep thinking I should tell you I’m gonna get dressed but...um, I am dressed.” I scrunched my face to show my distaste. The mood felt so light. It was such a contrast to the day before. Logan laughed and rolled his eyes. Two seconds later Dana came bouncing out of the kitchen and turned to me.
