by Bry Ann
I was anything but okay.
When it hit nightfall, and the nurses switched shifts, I used my walker to go to the restroom. I was tired of not knowing what I looked like and what everyone else saw. The second I entered the restroom I peeled back the paper the staff had stuck in the mirror so I wasn’t tempted to look. When I saw my reflection I fell onto the counter for support. My left eye was swollen, my face was yellow and purple from bruises in various stages of healing, there were still major gashes on my face that were just beginning to close up, and I hadn’t even looked at my body yet. How could anyone let Jazmine see me like this? Yes, I had makeup on, but I was still disgusting. I sat down on the bathroom floor with my knees tucked into my chest and cried. After I let some of the tears run dry, I took off my hospital gown and looked down at my body. My body looked similar to my face, but the gashes were deeper and more severe, the bruises were more prominent, and the area around my ribcage was swollen. With shaking hands, I looked down at the part of my body I was most scared to see. There was stitching, extensive bruising. It was also disgusting. I was disgusting. I would always be disgusting. My body would now always be a reminder of what had happened to me. I fell limp on the floor. I was strong once. I bought the letter my mom wrote me to the restroom along with a pen. I couldn’t do this. I don’t know where my strength went, but it disappeared after the first time they raped me. Something in me had been stolen away. I grabbed the pen and began to write on the back of my mom’s letter. I wanted the letter it to be simple, like me.
“Dear Logan/Dana/Alexa/Jazmine…. Thank you guys for loving me. Thank you for teaching me to love. I lived up to my mom’s wishes because of you. I’m sorry I’m not stronger. I know you will hate me but having me around will only be an inconvenience now. I promise. Logan, take care of Jazmine. Love her. Please.
Jazzy, I love you. I hope one day you understand. Be good for LP and be the bright light you have always been. You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
I threw the letter on the floor and crawled over to the tub. I grabbed the razor off the soap rack and oddly enough when the plastic blade hit my palm my hands stopped shaking. I was calm. I took it and made a huge gash on my left wrist, one that matched all my other gashes. However, this one would take the pain away. I then did the same with my right wrist. I felt okay for a second as I saw the blood peacefully oozing out, but then I felt dizzy, weak, and before I knew it, there was this odd sense of calm. I saw little stars blind my vision.
I laid on the floor only half conscious. I don’t know how long I was there before I fell into total blackness. I heard someone calling my name in the room before I passed out. They sounded distant. They were asking if I was in the restroom. My body started to convulse. I tried to be quiet. I didn’t want anyone to hear me. I wanted this to end. The voice became more concerned, and then the bathroom door came flying open. A male nurse yelled “oh my god” and started screaming for help. More people came in, and I fell in and out of consciousness. I felt someone putting pressure on my wrists and my body being lifted onto something. I kept praying I wouldn’t make it. The minute I landed on a soft surface my world went black. It was over. I was calm. It was over.
Chapter 20:
I was swirling around in a place deeper than sleep. It was white, calm and peaceful. I was innocent and alone. I was happy. However, in a large sweep, I felt myself being pulled away. I started screaming as I was rushed backwards towards a room with bright lights and cold air. There was a silence, and then I heard beeping and the sound of voices calling my name.
“Sam! Sam!”
It hit me. I wasn’t dead. I’d woken up. I sunk inside.
“I’m alive.” My voice was weak and strained.
Then I heard someone stand up and a chair goes flying back.
“Yeah, you know what! Damn, right you are fucking alive!” Logan yelled. “How could you do this? How?!”
“Logan!” Dana scolded. “Calm the fuck down.”
I was still in this weird half awake, half asleep place and hadn’t fully processed what was going on around me. I felt a hand on my arm. It was Alexa.
“I get it. I do,” she whispered. “But you don’t get off that easy.”
I tried to smile, but my face didn’t respond well. Alexa understood. She gave my arm a gentle squeeze, then a nurse came in and started flashing a light in my eyes and spouting off all these medical terms to the other nurses. I fell back asleep and woke up much later. I don’t know how long it was; it didn’t matter. When I woke up, I took a quick glance at my wrists. They were bandaged up tightly. I groaned and let my head fall back on the pillow.
“You awake?” a gruff voice said out of the darkness.
I cleared my throat. “Uh yeah. Who are you?” I didn’t recognize the voice.
“Oh me. Well, let’s just say we have a mutual friend.”
I went cold.
“Tim… he’s the mutual friend.”
All the air was sucked out of me. I was going to be murdered. After all this, I was going to die anyway.
A gun cocked at my forehead, and I could see a set of bright yellow teeth grin. “Yes.”
“How did you get in here?” It’s sad when someone points a gun to your head, and you aren’t sure if you want them to pull the trigger or not. He could end all this pain so easily, but I didn’t want the control taken from me. If I was gonna die it was gonna be from my hand, not his. “Please don’t do this. I don’t even know how you got in here.”
I felt the barrel of the gun being shoved roughly against my forehead.
“Here’s the sad thing,” the man’s spit hit my face. “You're begging isn’t even convincing. Looking at your wrists. It looks like you almost beat me to it.”
“I don’t want to be murdered.” My voice was shaking and barely audible.
“Well, we don’t always get what we want.”
Right, when was about to pull the trigger two large figures came running into the room. The larger of the two tackled the man and roughly held his hands behind his back. They jerked him away from me. I had already tucked myself into a ball and scooted to the back of the bed. The other man went straight towards me and pulled me into him to try and control my shaking.
“Logan,” I sighed. “Who is…”
I went to ask Logan who the other guy was, but Logan had already gotten up and headed towards the other man.
“You got it?” Logan asked. “The police will be here any minute.”
“Yeah, This guy's a pussy anyway.”
There was a second of struggle between the two while I processed the fact that I recognized that voice. Who was the second man in the room? Not even two seconds later several policemen came running in with a nurse who turned on the light.
Gunner.
I watched as they dragged the man who tried to murder me away.
“Gunner...what the? How? “I looked over at Logan. “What just happened?”
The two men looked at each other and then Logan nodded at Gunner.
“I got wind one of the guys wasn’t at the compound. He was out of town. I knew he would be circling back around and I warned Logan that he would probably come for you,” Gunner shrugged. “Looks like I was right.”
“Yeah guess so.”
“You okay?” Logan asked. “You’re not hurt?”
“No, I’m fine.” Sort of.
Then Dana came running into the room, and Logan retreated to the back.
“Oh my God!” She wrapped her arms around me. “Are you okay?!” She pulled me away and held my shoulders tightly, looking directly into my eyes, searching me.
“I’m okay Dana. I promise.”
“Thank God,” she sighed, releasing me and walking over to stand next to Gunner.
When she was over there, she squeezed his hand in gratitude. He let out a half smile. He did genuinely seem to care about her.
“Well, I’m glad to hear it,” Logan said coldly and started to walk out.
&nbs
p; “Logan?” I called after him.
I wished I could apologize to him. I didn’t try to kill myself to hurt him. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted him to stay. I wanted him to forgive me, but he just looked down at the floor and walked out. It became super awkward with just me, Dana and Gunner in the room.
“So I’d thank you, Gunner, but it looks like you’ve already gotten the thanks you need,” I said with a small smile in his direction. He turned slightly red. Gunner. Not a sight I ever thought I’d see.
“I wouldn’t have wanted you to die regardless Sam. You’ve suffered enough.”
“Yeah, I agree with that.”
“Are you sure you are okay?” Dana’s brows were furrowed.
Despite everything going on inside of me I couldn’t help but think how nice to was to have her around. She cared so genuinely and more than anyone else she understood. She never once gave me judgmental eyes for not wanting to be murdered, while also being on suicide watch. Not once. She somehow just got it, and I couldn’t have appreciated her more for it if I tried.
“Actually yeah.” Somehow having a gun pointed at my head made me slightly more willing to fight for some recovery. I didn’t know if I’d ever be okay. The idea of ending it still sounding like the ultimate peace, but when he put that gun to my head I didn’t want to go. I began to wonder if maybe life was worth fighting for. “Is Logan going to hate me forever? I’m so sorry for what I did or, uh, you know, tried to do.” I wasn’t sure how to breach the subject with Gunner in the room.
Dana sighed. “Well Gunner sees the bandages on your wrists so you don’t need to talk in code. He’s not an idiot. As for Logan, he’ll get over it. You just scared him. You scared all of us. He doesn’t get it. He dealt with my suicide attempt, and it really hurt him when it all happened.”
I glanced over at Gunner who seemed very tense at the topic of Dana’s suicide attempt.
“It’s a scar for him and when you did it… he is just scared. He doesn’t know how to help you. I promise, don’t dwell on his anger. This has been hard for all of us. You must understand ninety percent of the time Logan is a celebrity and is treated like royalty. It’s been getting harder and harder for him to come back to his real life. I’m sure you’ve noticed he’s changed a lot. He just says he doesn’t see the point of trying for normalcy anymore. He says it’s not worth it. Then you show up, with a kid none the less, and he starts to find himself again, and now he almost lost you…. again. Logan is a strong man, but he is overwhelmed.”
I had to stay in the hospital five more days. My moods where so back and forth. One day I’d feel hope about getting past this, and the next I’d wish I was back in that bathroom. Every time I felt a smidgen of hope, it would be snatched away the next day by utter despair.
Something else I had to face since my attempted suicide was my custody of Jazmine. I didn’t realize this in the heat of the moment, but when you try to kill yourself you are considered incompetent to raise a child. Logan and I talked a lot about this. I couldn’t lose Jazmine. Besides Jazmine just found out Logan was her dad. I’d never be able to live with myself if I had to give Jazmine to someone she barely knew. I mean I knew Logan, but she didn’t. Logan ended up getting a document signed saying that I had approval to live with him and Jazmine while Jazmine was technically in his custody. It had to be signed off by my psych doctor and I had to talk with the police about what happened in more detail. I would also have to go to therapy three times a week and group three times a week to stay out of an inpatient center. If I did anything else to put myself at risk, I would be put in inpatient. I tried looking for the cheapest therapist I could find, but Logan scoffed and set me up with someone who specialized in post-traumatic stress disorder. I tried to fight him, but he reminded me of Jazmine, and I reluctantly agreed. I didn’t like having him pay for stuff for me. He and I were still distant.
I had one more day in the hospital and Dana came to visit me again. She had come every single day, and I started feeling more and more connected to her as the days passed. I had been so protective of her that it distanced us as friends. I became more like her mom than her friend, as was my natural instinct, but that’s not what either of us wanted or needed. Now, however, we had this new bond. Both of us have undergone something tragic. Something that made us feel life wasn’t worth living anymore, and we both made it out on the other side.
And we were both irrevocably scarred by it.
“Hey,” Dana said as she entered the room.
“Hey.” My voice wavered a bit. It was weird seeing people since my attempted suicide. I felt so much shame I didn’t even know how to live with it. I knew of all people Dana wouldn’t judge me, but I still couldn’t help but feeling she was sometimes.
Dana sat at the edge of my bed. “I can tell you are embarrassed. Please don’t be. I get it. I’ve been there remember? I remember how desperate I felt. How dark the world seemed. There’s more to my story, but I’m not ready to talk about it just yet. I’m just sorry you ever felt that way.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you and Logan…”
“You stop it. Logan will be fine. As for me, I get it. I am still recovering from it all. All these years later. All these years of treatment and it is still hard. After all you’ve been through I just… We should have figured you’d struggle more. I need you to remember this though. You have people who love you a lot. You have a guy who would go to the ends of the earth for you.”
I let out a silent scoff. “Logan wouldn’t. He’s mad. He’s…”
“Don’t doubt him Sam. He was terrified in a way I haven’t seen before, but trust me. I know all about liking a guy when you have no idea how he feels about you.”
I paused. In the midst of all the darkness, something resembling a smile crept up on my face. “So, you and Gunner?”
Dana turned bright red and began to fiddle with the blanket. “Uh yeah?”
“Uh. Yeah.” Dana giggled. Like actually giggled. “Dana, he doesn’t scare you?”
“Sam, you don’t understand. He’s not what he seems. Well, not totally anyway. We just get each other.”
“I seriously have no clue how you two got close. I don’t know anything about him. He’s a total mystery. Why does he sell drugs? He’s so smart. What happened to him? Is he really bad or is he good? I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“I do know about him, and I won’t get hurt. He’d never hurt me.” Dana gave me full eye contact. It was the surest of anything I’d ever seen her. He’s a criminal. How was she so sure? I didn’t question it though. I gave her the right to her privacy. For now.
There was a tense silence as Dana waited for me to speak. As she waited for some explanation from me about what happened. I looked in Dana’s kind eyes. I trusted her. I’d do anything for her. She was like the little sister I never had.
“Dana, I was so horrified. I was so scarred. It’ll be a constant reminder of what happened. I was repulsed. Beyond repulsed and then….” My voice began to shake, “I saw the bruises on my body and… below. I just...I’ll never be normal again Dana.”
Dana’s shoulders fell, and she gave me the most sympathetic look.
“Sam, I can’t even begin to understand how you are feeling. I …” Her voice was cut off when Logan entered the room.
“Logan…” I gasped, scared he had overheard what I said.
“Dana, I need to talk to Sam alone.”
“We are talking creeper!” She stood up and got right in his face.
“Dana,” he warned, “A minute. I need a minute.”
She looked over at me.
“I’m sorry,” she mumbled. “I’ll be right outside. I’m sorry,” then she turned back to Logan. “I’m so pissed at you right now. If you upset her or lose your temper I swear to God…” she finished as she stormed out.
I fidgeted under his intense scrutiny. He looked at me.
“So that is why you did it?”
“Logan… I can’t … w
ith you… this is awkward.”
He sat down next to me and looked at me seriously, but there was a brokenness in his gaze.
“I need to understand Sam. Please, I need to.”
“I don’t know how much you heard,” I sighed. “I just thought you all were better off without me and then I saw my reflection, my body…” I blushed.
Logan kept his intense gaze on me and put his hand under my chin to force me to look at him.
“Hold on,” he stood up, said something to Dana about her leaving and then shut and locked the door. “The nurses can knock. I won’t let you die in the next ten minutes.”
“What are you doing?” I was completely frightened.
“Trust me,” he said softly. “I need you to understand something.”
I eyed him like a scared animal as he came back over to me. When he was next to me, he ran his hand along the cuts on my face.
“Listen to me carefully Sam. I will only say this once, and if you can’t truly hear me, I won’t let myself open like this again. I wanted to wait but considering everything, now is the best time. Sam, I love you. I have always loved you. Ever since you first mouthed off to me in that diner when we were kids. Well, I guess not kids, but after all the shit we’ve been through it feels like we were kids back then. When you left you broke my heart, so I closed off. I changed. I made it a mission to hide my feelings, but I wasn’t happy. I always hoped you’d come back and then you did, but I was so angry with you. I thought I hated you. I hated you because I still cared about you, but I was so fucking hurt I didn’t want to take a chance. Then everything changed…. our daughter. I was just starting to come to terms with everything when you were taken. Sam….” he ran his hands along the sides of my arms and despite my fear I melted into his touch. “I couldn’t save you. I don’t know how to help you now. I’m angry because I can’t bear the thought of losing you again. I need you to know that I fell in love with your heart, your strength… not this,” he said gesturing to my body. “I will always find you beautiful because of who you are and what you’ve done for my family and me. You saved my sister and raised my daughter. You’ve always treated me normally and never been phased by my celebrity. Now please...… trust me.”He said the last part so simply as if he hadn’t just ripped through all my heart strings.
