by Bry Ann
My head fell to my chest and I just… cried. There was nothing left to do. My mom rubbed my head and I felt her tears hit my hands. We cried for a long time before I finally asked the question I should have asked the second I entered her hospital room.
“Mom, what did they do to you? Are you hurt?”
“They killed my daughter and broke my son’s heart.”
I sighed. “Mom….”
“No Rex. That is the worst of it. Everything else is irrelevant and not information you need. It was done to hurt you and Alex, and I won’t give them that.”
Then I knew.
“Fuck!” I yelled, standing up. “Just fuck, fuck, fuck!”
“Rex,” my mom practically begged, but I couldn’t hear here. The room was spinning.
“I need air,” I said abruptly. I sprinted out to the back of the hospital, and leaned my head against the wall, trying to take deep breaths. Then I picked up my phone and called the only other person I had in my life that I gave a damn about.
“I need one more favor.”
“Do you?” Gunner’s voice came over the phone.
I was about to be such a hypocrite. All the times I told Alex revenge isn’t the answer and here I was.
“I need revenge.”
“On Pytor I am assuming.”
“Yes.”
“No can do. Honestly man, I am fucking would have killed him then if I could have, but his operation runs deep. That would cause all sorts of problems that I can’t dive into. His associate or whatever is dead, Eric Ray. Looked into him. Just a random piece of shit.”
“Not random,” I said coldly. “His daughter is the reason I am in this.”
“Oh…” I could hear the shock in his voice. “You’re welcome then,” he said before clicking off.
I growled and swore to myself that no matter what I did I’d get revenge on Alex for dragging me into this and leaving me alone.
I knew for a fact that I hated her with everything I had. I vowed that that would never, ever change.
Chapter 26:
I can’t even look at Rex when he finishes. I’ve shifted all the way to the other end of the couch and am holding onto my knees for dear life. I can feel the tears running down my face. Mia didn’t deserve the death she received, and yet she still loved me. She still forgave me. I can’t take it. I never in a million years meant to hurt them. I left to protect them, and yet, once again, my efforts backfired, and people got hurt. I didn’t just get Rex’s family killed and raped, but I also left him alone during the whole ordeal when he never left me alone, not once.
I see Rex trying to scoot closer to me, but I hold up my hand.
“You should hate me.”
“I want to,” Rex says honestly. I watch him drop his head and shake it against his chest. “But that would be the coward's way out. You’re just as much of a victim as everyone else, and I understand the choices you made given the circumstances.”
Rex keeps his distance and watches me carefully. I don’t know what to say. I feel like all the hard work I put in with Sam, Jazmine, Logan and Dana has been for nothing. I feel more broken than ever.
“Alexa,” Rex repeats. “Are you with me?”
I can still hear the pain in his voice from recounting the story of his sister’s death.
“How’s your mom?”
“She’s good. It’s my mom. My mom’s a fighter, much like you. She got therapy for what she went through and has been there for me every day since Mia’s death. She’s the one who got me to take the football job out here mentoring kids. She came out with me. I’m beyond lucky to have her.”
“Good. And Blaze?”
“Alexa, you’re torturing yourself.”
I feel myself gritting my teeth.
“He’s not okay, is he?”
“It’s Blaze Alexa. He’s you in male form with less language. Are you okay?”
I turn away from Rex. “No.”
I stare out in the distance. All this fight, and what has it gotten me? This constant questioning is the story of my life. I am so zoned out I don’t even see Rex scooting up next to me. I try desperately to scoot away from him, but before I can scatter he grabs my shoulders and turns me to face him. His grip leaves no room for slack, no room to escape.
“Look at me Alexa! Look at me,” he softens the slightest bit. “You’re hurting.”
I turn away from him. “I’m fine. I feel bad for Mia. For your mom. For Blaze.”
“Yes,” Rex says flippantly, tightening his grip again. “But you are hurting.”
“Stop being so damn nice to me. I don’t deserve it.”
“Then what do you deserve Alexa? Tell me.” He releases his grip on my shoulders, and for the second time I lose it.
“What do I deserve?!” I stand up, shrieking. “I deserve to die! I deserve to die like my daughter did. Like Mia did. I deserve every piece of shit that’s been handed to me. I’m an ex-hooker, a slut, I curse, I drink, I’m not a fucking good person Rex Carter! You,” I point at him, “have always been way, way too fucking good for me. I don’t deserve anything!”
I see Rex wince, but I ignore it. “What about Sam? Dana? Gunner? What do they think you deserve?”
“I… don’t know,” I bite my lower lip. “It honestly feels like two separate lives. Alex, the girl you know. The girl with all the shit. Then Alexa. The strong, badass, I don’t give a fuck girl. They can’t coexist, but now I can’t ever go back to being Alexa. You ruined me Rex Carter. Rightfully so. I think you did a long time ago, but I just can’t build that wall back up anymore. I love you,” I choke on the words, “but I don’t deserve you. I never have.”
“Come here.” Rex grabs my hand and pulls me down the couch, towards him. I don’t move a muscle. He gently pulls my head down onto his chest.
“I won’t fight with you about your feelings. They are yours, but that is not how I feel about you Alex. Not after hearing your story.”
I turn around, so my face is in his shirt. I let him hold me, even though I shouldn’t. He strokes my hair gently. I can’t remember the last time I’ve been touched like this. Gently. With compassion. The last time I saw Rex I presume. About twenty minutes later the stroking stops.
“Alex, we should probably let your friends back in. They’ll want the rest of your story. Ya know, the parts where they get involved. To be honest, I want to know that too. I’m damn curious how you finagled your way into Logan Prescott’s scene.”
“Hey!” I snapped. “This is Sam Perkins scene. Logan entered way later.”
“Sorry,” Rex said, but I could see he was fighting a smile. “So, you feel like torturing them now with your side of their story?”
“Damn right I do!”
Rex grabbed my chin gently. “See, there it is.”
“There what is?”
“Alexa. Alex. They aren’t two people sweeties. They are both right here.”
“We are being so fucking mushy,” I let my head fall back dramatically, “I can’t take it anymore.”
“Yeah,” Rex nods, “but Mia would be so proud.”
I feel my eyes water all over again. “Yeah. Yeah, she would.”
“I’ll grab your friends. You take deep breaths. I promise we will continue this conversation later.”
I went to tell him to not do anything to embarrass me in front of my other friends, but he is already gone. I assume charming them with his politically correct lingo.
I stay seated on the couch, feeling totally lost, totally hurt and totally hopeful for the second time in my life.
And nervous….
Because I fucking know Rex is going to pull some shit to embarrass me in front of my crew. I just fucking know it.
Chapter 27:
Honestly, I have no clue what Rex is saying to my friends. Ten minutes have passed and the anxiety I don’t even fucking have is through the roof. I mean what the hell? I stand up to go storm out there and demand they all stop talking about me when the door swings
open. Logan looks at me seemingly surprised, but everyone else in the room is smirking.
“Losing your patience,” Rex observes with a smirk.
“Well, I mean it's been ten fucking minutes.”
Rex smiles and takes a seat. Sam is watching the two of us with keen interest. Gunner is busy messing with Dana, and she is swatting him away trying to pay attention to me and Rex. Logan looks out of place. I feel sorry for the poor guy. We get along, but he doesn’t understand me, and I think he is boring as shit in real life. His media persona is much more exciting to me.
I grunt and take my seat by Rex. Only then does everyone else follow suit.
“You’ve been crying,” Dana whispers. Sam rolls her eyes, scolding Dana nonverbally, but Dana isn’t paying attention. See Dana is all about feelings and acknowledging them. She wholeheartedly believes in the power of therapy and being open with how you feel. Even though it is still something she struggles with a bit, she is better than the rest of us. Plus, she has Gunner and discusses everything with him… and I do mean everything.
“Yeah thanks for pointing it out,” I grumble and touch the spot under my eye. I realize my eyes must still be red, wet and swollen. I cannot believe I did not think to clean myself up. “Just ignore the tears. I got a little sappy, but I’m freaking fine.”
“You’re actually human. It’s incredible,” Logan chimes in. I’m surprised by his sarcasm. It’s a part of him I rarely see.
“Asshole,” Sam mumbles, but she is grinning. She loves when he is something other than polite and politically correct. I mean Rex is politically correct in the sense that he is good at dealing with people and getting on their good side, but Logan is out of control. He’d rather die than get on someone’s bad side.
“Anyway,” I draw out. “Do you guys want to hear where you guys come in or not? I'm over telling this sob story, so if you all don’t shut up about my face I’m leaving.”
“We’re done,” Dana speaks for the group. “Sorry for bringing it up in the first place,” she mumbles. She’s so damn cute and innocent looking I hear myself telling her it’s fine. I’m turning soft.
“Good.” I look over at Rex who nods. Why the fuck do I keep needing his encouragement? I guess I don’t need it. I want it. Rex puts his hand on my thigh and squeezes. I turn bright red and everyone’s jaw drops, except Gunner. He smirks and winks at Rex.
“‘Bout damn time,” Gunner grumbles. “It’s been torture waiting for you two to figure your shit out.”
“Oh sorry, my past trauma and Rex thinking I was responsible for his sister’s death inconvenienced you.”
“Not an inconvenience, just complicated and slightly annoying,” Gunner says with no inflection in his voice whatsoever, like usual. Too bad the pitying expression he gives Rex anytime Mia’s name gets mentioned gives him away.
“I’m continuing,” I snap. Gunner stops talking and turns to me. For the first time I see it. Why Dana ended up with him. I see why Rex stayed in touch with him all these years and was willing to die for him. In Gunner’s eyes is the promise of vengeance. His own personal way of caring. I have no doubt if I asked him to go hunt down Pytor right now and kill him, he would. No questions asked. For some reason that makes me feel good. The most uncaring man in the world, the one that is the hardest to win over gives somewhat of a damn about me. I can’t even lie. That feels amazing… and fucking safe. Gunner’s one of two men I would never want to mess with. I would never ask Gunner for revenge though. Not only because I am over revenge, cause I'm not, but I would never do that to Dana. I would never risk the life of the man she loves. With all that swirling around in my fucked-up mind I continue my story...
After I got out of that fuck dungeon, I ran. Like my life depended on it. I sprinted as far away from there as I could until I had no air in my lungs. Then I hitchhiked to an airport. I had no money, no nothing. I begged on the side of the road until I earned $45. Not much but it was something. I went to the ticket counter much like Sam did and asked if there was any ticket I could get for $45. I looked like absolute hell. Pure and simple. The lady looked me up and down several times before answering. Wisconsin. There was a ticket to Wisconsin for $40, leaving me $5 to spare. Luggage was extra, but that didn’t matter, I had none. I had nothing, but I felt so fucking happy. It was an out, and a place Pytor would never think to look for me. The first time I tried to escape him I thought I should have gone to a small town, a deserted place, but I didn’t listen and that got my daughter killed. I knew I was making the right choice this time. A security guard approached me at the gate and asked if I was okay. Probably because I looked so out of sorts, but I lied and told him I was fine. It took some convincing, but he left me alone. The last thing I wanted to do was involve more people in my life. I cleaned myself up as best as I could in the bathroom. I didn’t want anyone else approaching me. I didn’t want anyone else knowing my name, because with every added person who knew I was, I risked him knowing.
The second I got to Wisconsin I went to the library. I took a bus there with the spare $5 I had. It left me with $3. I needed to use a computer to look for a job. It hurt, no it burned, knowing I had to draw upon the skills Rex taught me. I shivered. I’d never see him again, and even if this world was nuts and I ever happened to, he’d hate me for leaving him again. Even if he didn’t I’d never let him touch me again. I was disgusting now. Not clean. Not that I wasn’t before, but shit. I was one hundred times worse now. Totally unworthy. I’d only get my rocks off with other pieces of trash. Not good men like Rex Carter.
At the library I checked my LinkedIn and applied for jobs at various places. I only gave them my email address, because I had no phone. I always had access to my email though, because libraries are free. Thank God.
I slept outside that night, which was fine. I wouldn’t let myself get desperate and fall into the same trap I did last time. I got a redo. I had skills now. Knowledge I didn’t have last time, and what do they say? Knowledge is power. I knew what I was doing and what I needed to do. I’d stay the path no matter how cold or hungry I got.
It took me less than 24 hours to get an email back. It was from a local fast food restaurant. I was overjoyed! I had $3, no money for clothes, no place to shower, no nothing, but I was 100% determined to succeed. My manic killing mood had passed and all that was left was a will to live. A will to pick up the nothing that was left of me and somehow keep it alive, for God knows what reason. Maybe just because he wanted me to fail. He wanted me to quit and cry. For that reason alone, I put one foot in front of the other.
The job interview went really well. I gave good explanations for my dress, I nailed all the questions and was able to explain damn well how much I wanted this job. How determined I was to excel at it. For that reason, they hired me on the spot. I was employed. For the first time in my life I had a steady, paying job. I never wanted to see music again. I never wanted to see anything from the past again. I went to my place on the street corner and cried my eyes out. I renamed myself Alexa and created who I wanted her to be like a character in a movie. Badass. Loner. Hard. Someone who wouldn’t let anyone in. Someone who wouldn’t get hurt again... or be so damn naive. I became her. I cut my hair off and dyed it. I gave myself a rocker chick look. Got rid of anything girly or sexy about me. It was like I was an actress, and this was my starring role. I wouldn’t mess it up this time.
It took me two months of scrounging for food, saving money, and working my ass off to save enough to get a crappy apartment. Even then I knew I needed a roommate. I couldn’t afford it long term on my own once the utility bills started pouring in. So, I started searching for a roommate. I was going to be picky. I wasn’t going to let just anyone in my space, no matter how broke I was. The only people who came to my home were the boys I fucked (I say boys for a reason) and people I partied with. I wanted to forget. I wanted it all gone. I wanted to not give a flying fuck about anything… and I didn’t. The only regular in my life was this asshole Mike. He was an ass, but dam
n he was fun. I liked how he made me feel, and how he never stayed or even wanted to. For that reason, I let him stick around for the sex. I hated myself every time I slept with him, with anyone, but a part of me felt like I was washing away having slept with my dad by sleeping with guys my age. So, I fucked as many of them as I could. I don’t know. It was fucked up, but it was the only way I knew how to cope at the time.
I don’t remember how many people I interviewed and met, or how much time had passed before Sam came to my door. She was average; brown hair, hazel eyes in a t-shirt and baggy jeans. She looked fucking exhausted and I knew that look. I knew that look of desperation, when all of life had just fucking failed you. So, I didn’t even interview her. I offered it to her on the spot. Whoever the fuck she was, and whatever crazy she brought in didn’t matter, because we were in the same boat. I respected that. I don’t think I realized at the time how lonely and I was, and how desperate I was for the connection she gave me.
The first couple of months we didn’t really speak to each other. She did her thing, and I did mine. Even if it was fucking Mike two ways from tomorrow constantly and being a total slob. I don’t know how she put up with me. Maybe her mind was so far from the present she didn’t give a shit. Everything was consistent, the same until Sam came into the apartment with a plastic bag while I was dry humping some guy on the couch. She held the bag limply in her arms and she looked fucking dead. I was intrigued. She radiated strength and confidence most of the time. She had this whole independent, ‘I got this vibe’ I respected. She didn’t have it then. She looked like she needed a parent to come down and hold her while she cried. Her eyes steeled when she saw me. She tried to reign in her emotions, tried to only convey anger and annoyance. Again, I respected that. I think I kicked whoever I was screwing without. I don’t remember. In the bag was pregnancy tests. I don’t remember what I told her, but white noise played in my head. I just remember thinking this cannot be happening, this cannot be happening. I didn’t throw her right out the door like I wanted to because she looked just as upset about it as I was. The last thing I needed was a constant reminder of what I had lost.
