by Bry Ann
“Please don’t leave me, Logan.” She grabs my wrists with surprising strength. “I know you should, but please give me another chance.”
“Sam!” I grab both sides of her face gently so she looks at me. I need her to see my sincerity. “I’m not leaving you. I love you, babe. I just meant I would postpone our wedding until you agreed to increase your therapy sessions. It’s not just about what just happened, although that is a large part of it. You are too willing to sacrifice yourself. You don’t see your worth. But it is also the fact that you are still really struggling with what happened. I should have asked you to do this sooner. Babe, your nightmares are still out of control.” I feel that pain creep up in my chest.
“And you throw up all the time. You’re really struggling. I understand loyalty to your friend. I do, but you didn’t think this one through. You didn’t tell anyone. You went off without protection. You just offered yourself up and weren’t even nervous about it. You’re not invincible.” I pause and think through the wording of what I am about to say. I have to say it because I know this is one of the real reasons Sam went off without protection.
“Sam,” I grab her hands. I can’t even look her in the eye. This is the most fragile I’ve seen her since that day in the hospital. “You aren’t damaged goods babe. You aren’t less than anyone else because of what you’ve been through or your scars. You can’t do this to me again. I mean it. You and our kids mean the world to me. More than my career. More than anything. Do you understand me?”
Sam lets out a deep breath. Her voice shakes and her eyes water. “I don’t deserve you.”
“It’s that belief right there babe, that I'm talking about. That leads you to give your life up for others so easily.”
“What do you mean?” She sniffles and wipes it with the back of her hand. She’s shaking still. I know a lot of this is her releasing some of the adrenaline she’s kept pent up the last couple days. Not to mention the fear and anxiety she’s probably suppressed. I swear this girl has turned me into a freaking therapist.
I smirk. “You need more therapy.”
She swats at me.
“I’m not crazy Logan.”
“I know you’re not Sam, but you’ve been through a lot. You’d give the same advice to Dana, Alex, Jazmine, me or Dusty. Speaking of, I was thinking we should get him some help as well.”
“You know he’s going to like it just about as much as I do.”
“Be a good example to him then.”
She scowls at me. She knows I have her there. That’s one thing about Sam. She’d do anything in the world for her kids.
“So for work…” I say hesitantly. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to leave Sam after all this drama, but I did commit to this movie and I miss working. It’s still a large part of me. It’s a rush. The fame part can be a bit annoying now. I always hated it when people dove into my personal life because of Dana, but now it’s worse with Sam, Jazmine, and Dusty in the picture. I am adamant about protecting their privacy. It is honestly incredible the strings I am constantly pulling to keep them as anonymous as possible. There’s a lot of people I downright refuse to interview with because of this issue. Most are semi-respectful, because I am such a big name and they don’t want me to cancel, which people now know I will.
“I signed on for this film Sam. I really don’t want to cancel unless I have to. I did damage control for my emergency exit, but I really have to get back. I really love this movie. My heart's in it, but you know I won’t leave unless you feel you’ve got this.”
“I got this. I can hold down the fort.”
“I said I trusted you, and you broke that Sam.”
“I know.” I watch the way her face drops and her body language shifts.
“I still trust you. Just don’t break it again. I'm serious.”
“Okay.” Her posture still looks childlike. I take a seat by her side and pull her into me. I hear her let out a deep sigh. “I'm really sorry Logan.”
“I know.”
I spend the next two days with my crazy fiance and our kids. Then I board a private plane to LA where I am absolutely hounded by the press about my emergency evacuation from the set. I give the same answer to everyone.
“I’m going to keep that between me and my family. Thank you for your concern. Everyone is okay.”
… Because finally everyone is going to be okay.
Chapter 24 (Sam):
One Year Later:
Rex and Alex brought the coolest place ever, not that I would expect anything less from them. Rex’s old condo was modern and very white. It was definitely a nice place, but this place is stellar. It’s a condo, with dark walls and a very dark interior. A lot of the decorations are navy blue and burgundy. There are some signature pieces that are totally Alex; spiky statues, dim lighting, and cushy black blankets. I’ve spent the last week here. It was my bachelorette party of sorts. Dana even spent the night here for three nights. We kicked Rex out, and because he is the nicest guy ever, he was super cool about it. Honestly, it’s hysterical that Alex ended up with the cliche nicest guy out of all of us, and Dana ended up with the biggest bad boy. Talk about ironic.
Today’s an interesting day because Dana and I get to officially meet the European guys Alex is friends with. I mean, I met them when they killed the Russian, but that doesn't really count. I saw them more in brutal passing than anything else.
“They are a little...uh, aggressive,” Alex says, leaning casually against the counter.
“It’s interesting to me that you stay in touch,” I say honestly. This has intrigued me given their background.
“I swear they have some crazy brother-sister thing going on,” Rex says when he walks in the room, throwing his t-shirt on. “Anatoli is like super overprotective of Alex, no surprise there, and Tobias as well… Tobias.”
“I’m curious,” Dana says looks super intrigued. I’m not surprised by that. Dana loves meeting different types of people and people watching. This is like a dream scenario for her. I’m more interested in these guy’s morality. As to how evil are these guys? I don’t want their business getting caught up in my life or the lives of my friends. Alex is for sure gonna kill me, but I’m gonna drill these guys.
There is a knock on the door and Alex leaps up. Rex laughs. “Relax babe.”
She turns to us with a scowl “They’ve never been to my house before. It feels weird, therefore I’m a little jumpy. Sue me.”
She walks to the door. Before she opens it, she nervously adjusts her ring. Dana and I smile and turn to Rex who has a soft look on his face. Alex and Rex got engaged a year ago. They are in no rush to get married. It’s so cute that they are childhood friends who have been through hell together and made it to the other side. They bring each other peace. It's really beautiful.
My swooning ends when two large men walk in the room. One is larger than the other. He has green eyes and is literally a giant. Not in the over-muscled bodybuilder way, but he is just one huge, strong dude. His presence would be super intimidating if I didn’t know he took a bullet for Alex. He seems like the kind of guy with a lot of darkness, but a heart of gold somewhere in there. The other guy, on the other hand, looks like a Greek devil. Holy fuck he is intimidating. I know that is Tobias. I doubt he has one good bone in his body. Alex has assured me he is furiously loyal to Anatoli so would never hurt any of us. Alex and Anatoli give each other a friendly greeting. Alex and Tobias glare at each other and walk back into the living room where the rest of us are seated. Weird.
I stand up first. Dana started looking down at her feet the second they walked in. They make her nervous so I’ll be the one to break the ice.
“I’m Sam,” I say extending my arm and adding a bit of steel to my voice. They have to know I don’t fully trust them.
“Anatoli,” the larger of the two says. I shake his hand. “It’s nice to meet you finally.”
“You as well.” Then I turn to Tobias and stiffen even more. He makes no move
to shake my hand or appear more friendly or approachable.
“Tobias,” he says with something that barely qualifies for a head nod. I don’t like him already, but Anatoli on the other hand, he seems like a really cool guy.
When we are done with introductions Anatoli walks over to Dana, who looks incredibly comfortable. I feel sorry for her. Having anxiety must be awful. I know Dana is strong, heck she is dating Gunner, but when she feels in any way threatened her anxiety takes over. I know she hates it. So that is why Anatoli gets on my good side when he seeks Dana out. He takes a seat next to her and extends his hand with a kind smile. Is this man a killer? Crazy. How did he get into that line of work?
“Hello, I’m Anatoli. I know Alex. It’s nice to meet you.”
“Dana,” she says with a shy smile.
I ignore the rest of their conversation, but they get to talking. Tobias is shaking his head at Anatoli.
“You’d think he was a fucking kindergarten teacher,” I hear him mutter. I know this is my chance. I move closer to the corner Tobias is now standing in.
“And what is it you do?”
He gives me an evil smirk like he is amused by me in his own sick, twisted way.
“You know already I’m sure. So skip to the chase. What do you want? I don’t like dicking around.”
Fair.
“I don’t want your shit falling back on us, Alex specifically. We all need peace for a while.”
“Anatoli would never let that happen.” His face is dead serious.
“He really cares about Alex doesn’t he?” I glance over where Rex, Dana, Anatoli, and Alex are now talking. Alex isn’t paying attention though. She is watching me suspiciously. I turn back to Tobias.
“For some reason, yes. He does.”
I nod. “And that matters to you?”
His expression darkens a bit. “If you are asking if she is safe then yes, she is. I won’t hurt her.”
“You’re very loyal to Anatoli, aren’t you? You’d never cross him.”
“Watch it.” His eyes glare daggers into me. Alex comes up behind me.
“Okay, will you guys come join us please.”
She keeps her eyes on Tobias. Ah, she doesn’t trust him either. That makes me feel oddly better. I like when my friends have their guards up.
Wrong, I know.
I’m as crazy as my life has turned out to be. I let my guard down and socialize with the group. It’s a fun evening, but honestly, I can’t wait to get home and see my kids. I love my friends. My friends are my life, but nothing can replace my little family. They are my life. After my mom died I never thought I’d have a family again. I lost my first family. Tossed into the foster system. Then I got my mom and her unconditional love. After her death, I became terrified of losing someone else. I really thought my life was over when my mom died. I wish I knew it was just beginning. The best part is I don’t feel bad for living anymore. I still struggle, and life is by no means easy, but I know somewhere in the universe my mom is so proud of me right now. I touch her letter that I put in my back pocket that day and smile.
Chapter 25 (Logan):
“Logan! Logan!” Dana runs into my room looking absolutely beautiful, but a little discombobulated. Her red dress is crooked, one of her sleeves is falling down her shoulder and her hair is only half done. I love my sister.
“Yes,” I say straightening my tie. I can’t help the nerves in my body. I can’t remember the last time I felt this nervous, but I’m getting married. I booked a beautiful, private location in Missouri. It’s at this little garden. The only people coming to our wedding are our immediate family, Tobias, Anatoli, a guy from Rex’s work and the kids he mentors. I have been down there quite a few times to give talks on dedication, success and hard work. They are good kids, and I admire the hell out of the fact they want better for themselves despite their pasts.
“You need to go talk to Sam,” she says looking nervous. I think she’s worried I’m going to be mad at Sam or something, but what she doesn’t know if I expected this. I know Sam well enough to know this is a hard day for her on so many levels.
“I got it, Dana.”
I pat her on the shoulder and take my jacket off before leaving the room.
“You sure?” she calls behind me. “Don’t be mad, please. She loves you she’s just… freaked.”
I frown and turn back to her, mildly offended. “Dana, I would never be mad about this.”
She bites her lip and nods. “Okay, thank you, Logan. I’ll go check in with the caterer.”
I nod and walk over to where Sam is changing. I smile to myself a little. Honestly, this day wouldn’t be complete without Sam is, well, Sam. I love her, even the craziest, skewed parts of her.
I walk up the door and hear voices.
“Sam, dude, come on,” It’s Alex speaking, sounding totally out of her element. It takes everything in me not to laugh. “You are so excited about this. Talk to me. Quit just standing there and hyperventilating.” Sure enough in the background, Sam is having a full-blown panic attack. “You love Logan babe. What the hell is going on?”
“I do love Logan,” she barely gets out through her crying and strained breathing. It’s the first thing I’ve heard her say since I got to the door. On that note, I knock.
“Sam. Sam, it’s Logan.”
“Go away!”
I try not to laugh. She sounds perfectly fine when she’s yelling at me. “You okay?”
“Did Dana send you? Go back where you came from!” Go back where you came from? At that, I do laugh. Are we twelve? I know it’s bad luck to see the bride or whatever, but I think it’s worse luck for my bride to have a panic attack at the altar, which is the direction we are headed in.
“I just want to make sure you are okay,” I say as calmly as possible.
“Logan, I’m fine.”
“No, I’m coming in.”
“No! You can’t. Logan, please! It’s bad luck!”
Like she buys that. Sam is not in the slightest bit superstitious. Her voice sounds so panicked though. I hesitate walking in, but Alex grabs my sleeve and pulls me in, looking relieved as hell to see me. Alex looks really nice in the red bridesmaid dresses Sam picked out, but I can tell she feels uncomfortable in it. Sam tried her best to pick out dresses that everyone would feel comfortable in, whilst still having a real wedding. That was important to her. Everything in her life has been abnormal. She wanted her wedding to be as cliche as possible. The dresses are red with short sleeves, mid-thigh length with a tiny slit. They are beautiful, sexy and plain. Sam let them pick out their own shoes and accessories so they could feel more like themselves.
I look over to the left side of the room. Sam is sitting there looking resigned with her white dress spread out all around her. Her eyes are red and swollen and her nose is runny from crying. I can tell she is still trying to regulate her breathing. She looks at me nervously, waiting to hear what I am going to say. Despite everything, for a moment I just stare at her. She looks stunning. I rarely see her all dressed, and that makes this moment all the more special. She is going to be my wife. That is nuts. I’ve done the craziest things in my lifetime. I’ve stood in front of millions of people, I’ve had my life publically poked and prodded at, I’ve dealt with serious family struggles, but nothing compares to this.
I shake my head so I can get back to this issue at hand. I’m not in the slightest bit worried. Alex pats my back and mumbles a good luck before walking out. I may not have been the closest to Alex or the most involved in what happened in her life, but it is genuinely good to see her happy. It’s good to see her find herself and someone that gets her. I honestly wasn’t sure that’d ever be possible for her.
“Sam, babe, what’s wrong?” I take a seat next to her and rub her back. She pulls away from me and continues to hide her face.
“I don’t want you to see me like this. Not today.”
“It’s just me. I’ve seen you a lot worse than this.” I get a small smile at t
hat so I nudge her side and smirk. She nudges me back ten times as hard. Now that she’s lightened up I turn to her again and grab her hand. “What’s wrong?”
She pauses for a second, assessing me. Wondering if I am going to judge her or if I get angry.
“I just can’t believe I’m getting married. What if I’m bad at this? What if I ruin it? The kids. Oh my gosh!” She puts her face in her hands and the panic attack resumes.
“Woah Sam.” I run over and grab a glass of water off the table. I crouch down in front of her and place the water in her hands. “Sam look at me.”
Her eyes flicked up.
“Everything is staying the exact same. Nothing is changing. It’s just a legal document and a cool party. That’s all. Don’t stress. We will take it a day at a time like we always do. Please enjoy today. This only happens once, babe.”
“I wish my mom was here,” she mumbles. Ah, and there, that is the root of the problem. Sam is like an onion. Cliche, but you have to peel back the layers to get to the true problem.
“I wish she was too Sam.” I take a seat back on the bench. Sam pulls the letter of her dress. A tear falls onto it.
“She would be so proud of me. Can you imagine? Remember when you met me, and we had dinner at my mom’s. I yelled at you. I was so distant. Remember how much she hated it? She’d love the kids too. I’m a mom. That is so crazy Logan. How can I do today without her?”
“Sam she’s here. She knows. She’s helped get you through everything. You are not doing this without her, okay? She’s just not here in physical form, but I’ll be right here. So will Dusty, Jazmine, Alex, Rex and Dana. We all are here. We all know this is hard for you, and confusing because you never thought this would happen, but we get it.”
She smiles slightly and nudges my side. “I got pretty lucky meeting you. I don’t think any other man on earth could, one, tolerate me, and, two, be bullheaded enough to get me to marry him.”
That makes me smile. I stand up and kiss her forehead. “I’m not gonna argue with you there, but you are worth it. Now finish getting ready. Try to stop giving your friends hell. I’ll see you at the altar.”
