by Robyn Elliot
“Do you love Madeleine?” came Danny’s plaintive question.
“What?”
“You heard me.”
“Well yes, of course…she’s the mother of my daughter.”
Danny assumed that stoic look again. “And how does she feel about you coming back to her?”
Stef pondered the question, looking at Danny askance. “She was furious with me, as you can imagine.”
“Oh, I certainly can!”
“But...once I apologized, and saw Fleur again, I’ve been lucky enough for her to let me back into Fleur’s life.”
“That simple, hmm?”
“No, Danny, of course not; but Madeleine is…she’s the kind of person who sees the bigger picture, and besides, we’ve known each other for years. She knows that I will look after Fleur, and help them in any way I can. After all, it's what I wanted too. To be a father, that is.”
Stef watched the blood drain from Danny's lovely face. And lovely he did look. He’d taken Stef’s breath away, with his rain-swept, blond haired beauty, all cheekbones and pallid suffering. But Danny no longer reminded Stef of pre-Raphaelite paintings; for he had become for him a moving, shifting painting, with vibrant colors and dynamic moods that made him, to Stef, the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. Together with Fleur, they shared Stef’s focus of all the beauty he would ever need for the rest of his life.
The more Stef answered Danny’s questions, the angrier it seemed Danny was becoming.
“How noble of you, Stephane,” Danny’s voice as cold as his demeanor; all heat from their kiss evaporating in the face of Stef’s comm s comm ca honesty.
“Don’t be like that, she’s my daughter for Christ’s sake…”
“Well, at least you’ve remembered and found your backbone, Stef.”
Stef winced. “You’re right, of course.”
“And Madeleine?”
Stef frowned, his eyes darkening. “Why do you keep going on about Madeleine?”
Danny nearly choked from disbelief. “For fuck’s sake, stop treating her, and me, like crap, will you?”
“I love you,” Stef insisted.
“And you love Madeleine…so which is it, Stef, because you can’t have both of us.”
Danny folded his arms, trying to contain his heart in his chest, crashing as it was against ribs, seeking a dignified exit if at all possible from the emotional morass.
For the second time, Danny left Stef speechless. Danny started to fidget under Stef’s white faced glare. Finally, after an evidently stunned silence, he spoke to Danny.
“W-h-a-t?” Stef said stiffly, as if the word had been bled from his lips.
Danny immediately sensed the change. Stef, becoming bolder, becoming annoyed; becoming the Stef he knew. The Stef he adored.
“Must I explain it?” Danny swallowed, feeling his face grow hotter as Stef’s grew whiter.
Stef’s mouth drew into a thin line, his eyes blazing at Danny. “What the hell do you take me for?” Stef snapped, making Danny jump slightly. The placating tone had assuredly said adieu.
“Shall I really answer that?”
“Oh, please do!”
“A man, well kind of, who runs out on his child and partner, then fucks a guy and swears unending love to him, before running out on the aforesaid guy, to come back to his child and partner, to grace them with his presence for fuck knows how long, before he does exactly the same thing again with someone else when life gets a bit tough, or requires a degree of responsibility that a child of twelve could handle, that’s what I take you for!”
“I see. So, is that the same guy who nearly had a nervous breakdown due to his cafe latte being a nanosecond late? Because, yeah, he could teach me a thing or two, indeed, about responsibility!”
“I knew you’d throw that back at me!” Danny said, swallowing down the hurt, “every kind act has a price, it seems.”
“Stop using your father as an excuse to berate me!”
Danny narrowed his eyes, momentarily feeling the bitter venom of hatred in his mouth. “How fucking dare you? Don’t you fucking dare mention him, you know absolutely nothing about him!”
Stef nodded slightly, infuriating Danny even more. “That’s what he said, I’m guessing, and guessing accurately from your reaction, Danny; just because he was a cynical, judgmental, cold hearted son of a bitch, doesn’t mean his disapproval of you should define you!”
Danny abruptly shoved Stef out of his way, and opened the door. Stef quickly followed, almost falling over Madeleine and Delphine. Danny stopped halfway to the kitchen, looking at the women then back to Stef.
“Madeleine, if you have a shred of self-worth, it might be a good idea to get rid…seeing as he’s screwed both us over!”
Stef, Madeleine and Delphine all exchanged exasperated looks. Delphine recovered first, and let out a squeal of laughter which she belatedly suffocated with the palm of her hand.
“Oh, of course; you’re French, after all,” Danny spluttered, glowering at each of them, “I mean, anything goes, doesn’t it, in this bloody country!” and with that he marched into the kitchen, grabbed the wine bottle on the table, and took a deep swig. The door slammed shut behind him, and Stef’s hands covered Danny’s as he tried to remove the bottle from Danny's grip.
“Stop it, it doesn’t suit you; if you want to drink, here’s a glass…”
Danny watched sullenly as Stef poured the wine and handed the glass to him. Nevertheless, he took it and drank it down in three gulps.
“Steady,” Stef said, but Danny refilled the glass with a flourish of defiance.
“I don’t know why the hell I came back,” Danny muttered, after taking a fourth swig.
“You came back because you love me,” Stef’s voice, softer now, the anger seemingly faded. “You came back because you know that I love you…and that we are meant to be together, Danny.”
Danny flopped down on a chair, resting his head on his palm. “I’m tired of hurting,” he whispered, and Stef sat next to him, nudging Danny’s knee. Danny recoiled dramatically.
“Come back home with me; there’s a warm bed, and my arms to lie in while you sleep.”
Danny gave Stef a wistful look. “Why do you do this, Stef?”
“What?”
They gazed at each other. “Make me love you more than anything in the world?”
Stef reached out and gently traced the length of Danny’s nose with his forefinger. “You’re so beautiful…”
“You can’t make me weaken, Stef; I need to be strong, you see. He always held me in contempt, because I wasn’t like him. He said I was weak but surely, to survive him and all the times I’ve felt I couldn’t go on living, that takes strength…doesn’t it?”
Stef stood up. He gestured for Danny to do the same. Hesitating for a moment or two, Danny slowly got up and allowed Stef to embrace him.
They clung to each other, their breathing slow, steady.
“I didn’t mean to use your father as a way of hurting you, Danny. I'm sorry.”
Danny sighed, leaned his head on Stef’s shoulders. “He’d have hated the idea of us. For him, having a gay son was a tragedy akin to world famine; everyone knew Peter Hastings’ reputation. He had the looks, the arrogance; he used courtrooms for performance. Instead of encouraging me and mentoring me, he barked orders at me in chambers, gave me all the shitty jobs, and when I needed his advice, he told me not to be so – his words – so fucking pathetic…”
Stef squeezed Danny tighter. That beautiful, slender frame molded against his perfectly. Gently, Stef rubbed Danny’s back with languid swirls of his fingertips. “I’m so proud of you,” Stef murmured into Danny’s ear, making Danny shiver with the pleasure of it, “you’ve got nothing to prove to him, or to anyone. You really are pretty perfect, just as you are.”
Danny pulled away slightly, looking at Stef askance. “No one’s perfect, Stef…” he remarked pointedly.
“Well, you’re the closest to it,” Stef insisted.<
br />
Perhaps it was his French accent, his charm, his handsome, refined features, that were making Danny want to melt in Stef’s arms; or maybe it was that Stef, despite everything that had happened, made him feel beautiful and loved and wanted. Made Danny believe that happy endings were possible, and that panic attacks, loneliness and the isolation of despair, could be overcome through loving and being loved.
Danny pressed his brow against Stef’s. “Tell me you love me,” Stef said softly, “say it…”
“You know I do.”
“I want to hear you say it; I…need to hear you say it, Danny.”
“And there’s me thinking you don’t need anything.”
“I fooled myself into thinking it was the easier option; it didn’t take me long to understand how much I love you…how much I need you.”
Danny stared at Stef. “I never thought my arrogant French waiter would say such a thing.”
“I never thought I’d fall in love serving coffee to a beautiful neurotic.”
“Oh, thank you…I suppose.”
Stef laughed, a gentle, sweet sound that made Danny’s senses swirl. “I had assumed you’d understand about Madeleine.”
Stef held onto Danny firmly, as Danny tensed against him. “God, Stef, I’m letting you do this to me again! Just let me go, this is wrong…” Danny made a half-hearted attempt to extricate himself from Stef's arms but Stef was having none of it.
“I’m not her type, Danny…”
“It’s a bit late to realize that.”
“Why? She’s always been a lesbian the fifteen years I’ve known her…”
Danny stopped the struggle instantly. Inside and out. It was time to stop fighting.
“I…I…” Danny attempted words, but somehow, a string of confused noises came out instead.
“I thought it was obvious, Danny.”
Danny tried to recover, feeling acutely embarrassed, even angry all over again. Of course; of-fucking-course! Shit, everyone else knew it, saw it, why the hell didn’t I!
“I’m sorry,” Stef soothed, pulling Danny so close to him, Danny never imagined that struggling for breath could be so pleasurable, “how were you to know? I’m so sorry, Danny, I made a stupid bloody assumption, and why would you? You couldn’t know about my life in France; you just saw London Stef. But I’m still Stef…your Stef.”
They both jumped slightly at the rap on the door, preceding Madeleine and Delphine making their grand entrance. “Sorry, sorry, but we thought you both needed some help here!” Madeleine’s elfin face broke into a warm smile. Danny tentatively returned it, not sure whether to feel acutely stupid, duped, relieved, confused, happy so instead he opted for all of them.
Delphine plonked herself on Danny’s vacated chair, putting her feet up on the table. He could see how strongly she resembled Stef and she appeared to have his share of confidence, that was for sure.
“I’m dealing with this!”
“Oh be quiet, Stef, and let me talk to Danny.”
“No, Madeleine.”
“Stef, I think we all owe this to Danny, don’t you?” Madeleine turned to a now ashen Danny, and her heart went out to him. No wonder Stef loved him. He was entirely adorable, she decided. “Well Danny, it’s like this; my partner, ex-partner, Alys, and I wanted a child and the three of us talked about it and Stef asked if he could be the donor...and the Papa. After due consideration, we agreed and Stef donated his squiggly bits. We’ve both known Stef for years, and he’s kind, generous, intelligent, stubborn, arrogant, gorgeous and a bit of a shit. A pretty good mix, we thought, and there you go. I never thought a horse syringe would be so effective, either.”
“I’m in possession of virile squiggly bits, evidently,” Stef couldn’t help himself.
I could have told you that, Danny thought. “Oh my God,” Danny couldn’t help it, Madeleine’s unabashed anatomical explanation making him queasy and slightly appalled.
She didn’t seem to notice. “However, Alys decided after Fleur was born that she preferred an anemic, anorexic, embryonic prototype of Supergirl, and left Fleur and me. Then, Stef decided to take a leaf out of Alys' magical disappearances book, as well...”
“I know, it’s all so revolting, isn’t it? They deserve to be trapped in a soap opera,” Delphine quipped, winking at Danny, amused by the prim, shocked look on his face. She was still trying to get used to her adored brother falling for a guy who could have stepped out of a nineteenth century literary novel. All he needed was a cravat, and a touch of consumption…
“Shut up,” Stef growled at his sister, before putting his hand on the back of Danny’s neck. “Danny?”
“Leave it, Stef. Danny needs time to take all this in…we’ve had a bit longer to do so, remember? Are you hungry, Danny? You must be shattered.”
Danny broke free from his reverie of shock. He kept imagining the syringe, and hearing neighs of protestation. “Er...what?” He agreed he was shattered, exhausted from the emotional freeway he’d been driving blindfold on.
Madeleine started fussing around him, gesturing for him to sit down again. “Stef, go and gaze at your daughter. Delphine, well…go and gaze in the mirror for a bit.”
Stef was harder to remove. “Danny?”
Madeleine rolled her eyes. “Stef, allons y!”, as she more or less ejected him from the kitchen.
She then casually proceeded to prepare a supper of smoked salmon and Gruyere with black olives, fresh baguettes, vine tomatoes, washed down with mineral water and strong Assam tea.
Danny watched her, saw how industrious, how capable, she was.
“I thought he’d been cheating on you with me,” he said, “I felt terrible…”
Madeleine passed a steaming cup of tea to Danny who accepted it gratefully. “Then you shouldn’t, Danny; Stephane should be feeling terrible and I have to say…well, he is feeling pretty terrible, if that’s any use to you? In all the years I’ve known him, he’s never been like this with anyone. He loves you very much; when he came back to Paris, he looked as bad as I’ve ever seen him.”
“Why did he do it?”
“Come back?”
“Well, yes...but, you know…”
“Alys and I weren't even considering asking him to be a donor, but he completely surprised us both by announcing he wanted to be a father; to be honest, Danny, we didn’t think of anyone else once we talked things through with Stef. It was Stef or no one because we love him too; and although Alys left me, I never expected her to leave our daughter. At least with Stef, in the end, he came back. He’s made a bit of a mess of everything, but he told me he didn’t feel he could ask you to disrupt your life to fit in with the decisions he's made.”
Danny sipped on the scalding, delicious tea. “Why didn’t he just ask me? Talk to me? He never even gave me the opportunity…he left me, and that was it. He told me he didn’t love me after all, and it was over. He used a hammer to smash a nut!”
“Oh, Danny, that must have hurt you so much. Not the nut bit, I mean...”
Danny held Madeleine’s bright gaze and they both laughed. “You’ve been hurt too,” his voice small, strained.
“Yes…but in a different way. It might take him a while to get there, but in the end Stef is a good man who is still learning how to be a grown up. Although, I have to tell you, Danny, he’s changed since he came back and for the better, too. And that’s down to you, in such a short time. Don’t you think that the both of you deserve to give it a go?”
Danny pondered for a few moments. Madeleine got on with supper, allowing Danny mental space to get his thoughts together.
“If you’re worried about Fleur and I encroaching, I have my own life I lead...”
“God, no!” Danny assured her, “No! No, Madeleine, not at all!”
She smiled at him. “I can see why Stef loves you so much; he told me you were the most beautiful guy he’d ever met, but also the sweetest!”
Danny blushed intensely. “Really?”
“Don’t s
ound so surprised!”
Danny smiled self-consciously at that. He wondered if Stef had also told her about his meltdown at the court, and his requirement for towels to be folded to a mathematical formula (or so Stef said).
“I wish he’d been honest with me from the start. It didn't have to be like this. He's so...so...”
“Stupid? And yes, he should have been; in his defense, I guess he’s new at all of this...love, fatherhood, responsibility. He’s always wanted a loving relationship, Danny, despite how he’s denied it over the years but I think with everything happening at once, he just panicked. But it’s no excuse, and he shouldn’t forget that for a while.”
“What about Antoine?”
Madeleine slapped her brow with her palm in faux drama. “Vesuvius meets the one in Iceland with the unpronounceable name!”
“They were together a while.”
“Yes, for convenience sake, Danny; neither of them were faithful, but had someone to come home to at the end of the affairs.”
“He told me he was leaving me because of Antoine,” Danny commented sadly.
“Oh, my God, he really is full of shit!” remarked Madeleine, and came and sat down next to Danny, “I hope you’re going to make him suffer for a while, Danny; you know, flowers, restaurants, romantic walks…” she gave Danny a sideways, smutty look, “blow-jobs on demand…”
“Good grief, Madeleine, do you French have no concept of inner dialogue!” said Danny, blushing and laughing. Besides, those thoughts had already occurred to him. Especially the you know whats.
“Get used to it!”
“You think?”
“Stef needs you; I know this is all going to take some getting used to, but you’ll be able to support each other. Help him be a wonderful father…and loving partner. And anyway, Fleur is a very lucky little girl…”
“Great parents?”
“Right! And two Papas.” Madeleine’s words didn’t dawn on Danny immediately. He looked at her, and she smiled at his perplexed, uncertain expression. “You’ll be wonderful for both of them, for Stef and Fleur; from what I know already of you, and what I’ve heard, Danny, Fleur will adore you as much as she will Stef. There’s a family for you…if you want it.”
