by C. Desir
Kyle—
On my long drive to our final spring break destination, I’ve had far too much caffeine and thinking time. The first thing I need to say is that I’m sick of the coward bullshit. If you’re interested in me, then we’re doing something about it. I’m not taking no for an answer. I have plans this summer, Kyle, and you’re going to be a part of them, because being in love with my best friend is a combination of the scariest and most awesome things I can imagine.
I’m crossing off a major thing over my last few days of spring break, which I will share with you when I get back. And we’re going to have that conversation again. The one where you say you’re interested in me. And this time we’re getting past the coward BS. You’ve been warned. Miss you.
Hailey
PS: Going blind wouldn’t be as scary if I was doing it with you.
“Feel better?” Tess asked when I leaned back and sighed.
“Yeah. Much.” I closed my eyes.
“Good. Because, you know . . .”
I opened my eyes and turned to Tess, but my eyes locked in front of us. It was so fast. Everything was so fast. “Tess—”
Chapter Thirty-Seven: Kyle
Going blind wouldn’t be as scary if I was doing it with you.
Her words shredded me. My body shook with need for her. I wanted to hop on my bike and find her. Go to her. Bring her everything: my list, my heart, everything.
But that wasn’t my life. I didn’t get to win. Ever. And even as my pulse skipped at the possibility of her note, I knew it would be taken away. I shoved things into my bag, felt the ticking of the clock in my gut, but the whole time it was like an anvil over my head. The phone buzzing in my hand confirmed it.
“She’s in the hospital, Kyle,” Rox said. “It was a bad accident, but she and Tess are going to be okay. They’re both lucid. Broken bones and lots of bruising. Tess is in worse shape. . . .” Rox paused and I steeled myself. “She was driving. Swerved to avoid hitting a deer. She feels totally responsible.”
“How’s Hailey?”
“Kyle . . .”
Oh, God. “I need to see her. Please. I need to see Hailey.”
Rox choked on a sob. “Not yet. It’s her eyes. The trauma. She’s in surgery. It doesn’t look good.”
I dropped to the ground then. I honestly didn’t know how I’d managed to stay standing in the first place. “Rox,” I whispered.
“I’ll call you. When she’s out. I’ll call you.”
She clicked off before I could say anything else.
◊ ◊ ◊
I couldn’t have made it through the summer without Pavel. Hailey went dark. Literally and figuratively. I called Rox and Lila constantly. They said she was rehabbing, doing better, but completely blind now. I begged to talk to her, but she wouldn’t come to the phone. I showed up at the house, and Rox and Lila sent me away. She wasn’t ready. She was still figuring things out.
Pavel kept me company. We started a lawn-mowing business together, him slathering himself with SPF 100 sunscreen as he talked on and on about all his different dates. Apparently Tinder was a bottomless source of women for Pavel. Two months in, though, and I was at my wits’ end.
“Enough, for Christ’s sake, Pavel. I don’t fucking care what base you got to or how many dates you have this week.”
Pavel stopped bagging grass and looked at me. “I was trying to distract you.”
I pulled my shirt up and wiped the sweat from my forehead. “I know. I get it. But it’s not working. Don’t you see? She’s all I think about. All I want. And it’s like it’s all been taken from me. She won’t even talk to me.”
“Always with the sprint, never with the marathon.” He sat cross-legged and stared up at me. “Don’t you think it’s maybe meant to be this way? Like this is your test. The journey to get the prize. And it will be all that much sweeter now.”
“No. I don’t think that. I’m done with that. I’ve had enough of a journey. I want Hailey. I’m tired of all these character-building life lessons.”
Pavel shrugged. “Then talk her into you. Surely my friend Kyle can talk one girl into him.”
I shook my head and stared at the sweat stains on my shirt. “I don’t know how. It’s like she’s seen everything. I don’t know what else I have to offer.”
Pavel rolled his eyes like a tween and popped up. “You have patience. That is all. And if you exercise it, give it as much of a workout as you’ve given your heart, it will be enough.”
“Jesus,” I mumbled, “I can’t believe you’re still on the Zig Ziglar.” But even as I said it, the kernel took hold. For the first time in weeks, I grabbed on to a spark of hope.
Chapter Thirty-Eight: Hailey
Timing was always off with us. Maybe it always would be. I wasn’t ready. Wasn’t ready to sit in the same room as him and not be able to see his shape. His smile. The way his hair always swooped over his eyes.
I couldn’t do that. Couldn’t be so close to something I was desperate to see and not see it.
Kyle didn’t stop calling all summer. I thought he would, but he kept at it. He didn’t come over, except the one time I wouldn’t talk to him, but it didn’t matter. I heard Lila and Rox on the phone with him daily, giving an update. I didn’t know how I felt about it, but that was becoming a theme in my new life.
I thought I’d be prepared for the darkness. But working with available light was so much different from total black. Every day was a test of feeling my way into blindness. At night, I played my guitar because I could do it by touch. But everything else I had to learn all over. iPads were practically impossible for me to figure out. Even with the audio prompt, I kept screwing up my messages. I started figuring out braille, but it was all painfully slow. More often than not, I felt like an infant, unable to do the most basic things by myself.
But still Kyle called and asked. Rox didn’t bullshit him. Told him it was going slow. I wasn’t adjusting as well as they hoped. Who could? I was strapped without sight. It wasn’t going to be resolved at the end of the half hour. The only luck I had was that school didn’t make me finish up any classes after spring break. My grades stood, and I graduated but didn’t go to the ceremony.
I deferred Berkeley, of course. They said they had a lot of services for the disabled. Which I was now labeled. They said it wouldn’t be a problem to accommodate me. Audio textbooks and all the rest of it. I told them maybe next year. But I couldn’t imagine going.
By September, Rox was officially done with me. She forced me to get out of the house almost every day, even if I only made it to the porch. Lila was softer about it, encouraging me in her warm voice with a bunch of bullshit platitudes. Neither tactic worked. I played music in my room, went to occupational therapy, and otherwise never left. I allowed myself one indulgence. Kyle on the radio every week. Me in the dark, listening to him as if he was sitting next to me.
One night in October, I finally snapped. He’d signed off his show and my body flushed with fury. I wanted more of him. I didn’t want his show to be over. I missed him like I missed my sight. And as tears dripped down my cheeks, I realized he was something I could have, but I was going to have to do something big.
The next day, I had Rox drop me off at the college. I had a dog to take me everywhere now. I named him Basic. He’d only been with me a week and a half, but I’d grown attached. I didn’t go upstairs without him. I didn’t go to the bathroom without making sure he was outside my door. His fur was soft and his smile slobbery enough that I could form what he looked like in my head. I made him blue because my eyes couldn’t tell me otherwise.
Someone from Student Services led the two of us to Kyle’s dorm and let us in. I had her leave me at the stairs. Three flights up, two doors down on the left. Basic and I could handle it. But my mouth dried out a little, and I searched my memory for all my trips here before, only Kyle wasn’t in the same room as last year. Still. Three flights. Two doors. Doable. I grasped the handle on Basic’s harness more tightly,
and my dog led me up the stairs.
I probably would’ve stood in front of his door forever if Basic hadn’t whimpered. The door popped open, and I immediately was tackle hugged and kissed on both cheeks by Pavel. I recognized his scent more than ever. That thing about the other senses getting better when you go blind is totally true, but my brain was still trying to process the massive amounts of new information.
“And she has come to us at last,” Pavel said, stepping back. “With a dog.”
I heard him kneel down and I cleared my throat. “This is Basic.”
“You named your dog Basic?”
A choked sound escaped my throat. Kyle. His voice was so much better than on the radio. So much better than I had ever heard it. I wanted him to tackle hug me too. But he stayed put, just inside the door by the sound of it.
“Yeah. Because he is . . . basic, that is. The trainer said he was a very functional dog.” But in a week he’d turned into a lot more than just a dog.
Pavel laughed from the ground. “He’s a good-looking dog. You should see him.”
“I can’t,” I blurted out at the same time Kyle said, “She can’t.”
I felt Pavel pop up. “Oh, good. It’s all good here. You are back to talking on top of each other. This is very good. Hailey, Kyle has been very patient.”
Half my mouth tipped up. “Yeah. Me too.”
Pavel clapped. “Excellent. This is outstanding. I will take the dog for a walk.”
Everything in me froze for a second. It was Pavel. Basic would be fine. I kneeled and Basic’s nose touched my cheek. Then I quickly stood, clipping Basic’s leash onto his collar, so he’d know Pavel wouldn’t need his help.
“Okay,” I said, my voice scratching a bit. “No treats. And be careful with him.”
I rubbed Basic’s head again and handed the lead to Pavel. He squeezed my arm as he passed, and it gave me enough of a boost to stumble into Kyle’s room.
Kyle touched my shoulder and drew his hand down until it reached mine. “You can take my arm.”
“Have you been researching, Kyle?” I couldn’t keep the bitter out of my voice.
“A little.”
I didn’t expect his honesty, and it silenced me for a second. “Oh.”
“Being blind will be less scary with me,” he said, and it was like a twist in my gut. The words from my letter used like this.
“Actually, it was going blind that would be less scary with you. Immediate blindness, as it turns out, is a real bitch. With or without someone along for the ride.”
“I’m along for the ride, though. You know?”
I turned to him and slid my hands up his chest to touch the planes of his face. He froze and let me linger on each part of him. I waited to touch his lips till the very end. My fingers rubbing over soft dryness.
“I’m scared, Kyle.”
He reached up and took my hand. “I know. Me too.” He kissed my fingers, and the breath rushed out of me.
“I never thought you’d end up on my list,” I said.
“You’ve always been on mine.”
“But.”
“But I’ve crossed most things off, Hailey. It’s not a magic fix. The same things still scare me, but I found a way to move forward.”
“I can cross off being blind, but that doesn’t mean shit, really. I’m terrified I’ll never see again. I hear miracle stories, and doctors are always working on new . . . You know what? Never mind. That’s not this conversation.”
“My point is,” Kyle said, determination lacing every word, “we don’t need the lists to move forward. They were always just this thing, another thing that kept us from each other. We don’t need them.”
“What do we need?”
Kyle stepped closer, took my hands in his. Slid his thumbs over the backs of my hands. “We need to want something more than we’re afraid of it.”
I didn’t pull back when he leaned in to kiss me. I’d been expecting it, wanting it. His warmth hit first, and when his soft lips brushed up against mine, my hands tightened with his.
The kiss went on forever. No plundering or sloppiness like Chaz. Just this soft exploration that made me want to fall into Kyle. Nibbles on my bottom lip until I opened up and let him in to taste me completely.
It was everything I imagined. Better, really, because my senses were on fire. Hyperalert to his citrus smell and his touch and every moan and whimper coming from both of us. Finally, he pulled back.
“I’m a mess,” I whispered.
“Me too.”
“It was a deer, did you know that? A deer walked across the road, and she swerved, and . . .” And the car rolled and rolled and rolled.
“I know. I’m sorry. How’s Tess?”
I shrugged. “Away. She’s living with her aunt for a while in Florida. Might go to college there.”
“Good for her.” He stepped away and I almost wanted to lunge for him, pulling him back into the moment of our kiss.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
“You’ve got stuff to work out. I’ve got stuff to work out. Doesn’t change how I feel.”
“Really?”
“Of course. It’s part of the journey, and I happen to want to take it with you.” His voice was farther now. Lower. Like he’d sat on his bed.
I needed him closer. But it was like I couldn’t find the words to ask. Like I needed to go to him, especially after a summer of him making unreturned phone calls. I stepped forward, and my foot caught on something. I fell hard and my leg banged against the edge of his bed.
“Jesus, I’m sorry, Hailey. I wasn’t . . . I should’ve . . . I’m sorry. Here. Let me.”
I waved my hands, blinking past the tears from the stabbing shin pain. “I got it. It’s fine. I got it. I’ve got to learn your room. Basic won’t always be with me. What was that?”
“Books,” he said. “I didn’t even see them.” He grabbed my wrist and pulled me onto the bed next to him.
I lifted my leg up and felt the damage to my shin. “I didn’t see them either.”
He laughed, but the whole thing was awkward and I could tell everything we’d experienced with our first big kiss had turned to crap in less than a minute.
Scooting back, I tugged my knees to my chest. “We might not make it.”
“We will,” he answered, and the certainty in his voice made my breath stop in my lungs.
I placed my hand next to where I thought his was at the same time he lifted his to rub his fingers over my shin. His fingers pushed slightly too hard, and I winced.
“Sorry,” he said, and I was about to reach out to take his hand again when he dropped it from my leg.
“It’s okay.” I rolled my pant leg down and tugged my legs closer.
I’d made my way here. For this? This awkwardness? All these misses? Had I waited too long? Should I have asked him to come to me?
“Of course it is.”
“What are you talking about? I was talking about you pushing too hard on my leg.”
He shifted. “Sorry. God, I’m screwing this up. I didn’t mean to hurt your leg.”
“What did you say ‘of course it is’ to?”
I felt a slight movement, but I could only guess it was a shoulder shrug. He’d already forgotten I couldn’t see those things.
“I meant we’re okay. We’re going to be okay. I mean after everything else, this is almost nothing.”
“Yeah, almost,” I said, then shifted to the left and turned away, nearly missing his lean to kiss me again. His warmth gave it away. But before I could turn back, he snatched my hand and kissed that instead.
“We’re going to be okay.”
“And if we’re not?”
He squeezed my hand, and I squeezed back. The comfort soothed me long enough to wait for his words.
“One day at a time, Hailey. It doesn’t all work exactly as you expect. We don’t get that. It’s not in the cards for either of us.”
“Then what do we get?” The hitch in my vo
ice had to be as obvious to him as it was to me.
“We get now.”
This time I leaned into him, until my cheek found his shoulder. It was less bony than I remembered. There would be subtle changes in Kyle that I’d feel, and some I wouldn’t notice at all.
“Now,” I echoed. And that would have to be enough.
List of Things to Do for Hailey
Kyle’s List
X Learn to drive a stick
X Ask for a letter of rec from a teacher at school
X Get the number of a girl in history (Hailey got the number, but I did use it)
X Talk to Pavel about freshman year
DJ
X Talk to Mom about Dad
Do something with my writing aside from leaving it in boxes
X Be a good friend to Hailey
Spiders
X Get a job
Drive across the country
X Go to college
X Live in dorms. Get a roommate.
Get my PhD
Tell Hailey I love her
Be happy
Acknowledgments
Deepest gratitude to our agents who worked on Love Blind, to Liesa Abrams and the entire Simon Pulse team, and to all the people who graciously read this novel in its early stages and offered feedback.
Always a monstrous hug to our families who didn’t get upset by our endless phone calls and online chats regarding Kyle and Hailey. We love you all so much.
This story truly belongs to the people we lost along the way, and to the people who began as acquaintances, who became friends, and then family, and to all the people we haven’t met yet, who will impact our futures in profound ways.
Photo by Chris Guillen
