by L. J. Dee
“What are you going to do?” I asked quietly, hoping for a swift punishment and the resolution of our strange relationship as he shook his head.
“Your punishment will be abstinence. You will not see or hear from me for a week. If you require me urgently for the business you may email me. That will be all,” he said, as my heart sank, the blood draining from my face and I knew I’d really fucked up. The last three days had been horrendous.
Abstinence would be the greatest punishment of all, worse than pain, worse than anything as tears pricked at my eyes, overwhelmed with sadness and guilt and wondering if this week’s abstinence would signal the beginning of the end. It certainly felt that way.
“Please don’t, Lucas,” I begged as he shook his head, his eyes blazing with fury and pain as I rose to leave, a million questions firing through my brain, but I knew better than to ask them right now.
“I’m sorry,” I said quietly, but he didn’t even look up, turning to his computer as I walked away, pulling open the heavy office door and holding back the tears just long enough as I stepped outside, grateful that Melody was gone.
I was desperate to know what had happened with Roberta and why every time I turned around she seemed to be with him, but I couldn’t ask. I was determined not to inflame the situation, contact him or email him and all I could do was hope that he missed me as much as I would miss him.
The day dragged. I was struggling to focus on work and as the seconds ticked to minutes and the minutes into endless hours, I was certain this would be the longest seven days of my life.
CHAPTER 23
I was torturing myself, wishing I’d played things differently. I hadn’t seen or heard from Lucas for over two days and I couldn’t put him out of my mind. I was struggling to concentrate on anything and even Dexter had noticed, asking me what was wrong all the way through last night’s movie. I’d made up some bullshit about work; my finger hovering over Lucas’s number, desperate to call him, but not daring to. It would only break another rule and agitate him further. Besides, I wasn’t sure I could face the rejection. That would be the only thing worse than imposed abstinence. I realised then that Lucas Hunter had burrowed his way much deeper into my heart than I should have allowed, hoping it was him as the phone on my desk rang out, startling me from my thoughts.
“Jess, I wondered if you’d like to come for lunch tomorrow,” said the soft voice and it took me a minute to realise who it was. Melody. Why the hell was she inviting me to lunch? The girl hated me.
“We didn’t get off to the best start and I’d really like us to get along. I thought I’d offer an olive branch and treat you to a meal at Groucho, my way of apologising for my behaviour,” she said as I frowned deeply.
A big part of me wanted to tell her to go and fuck herself, she’d never made any effort with me before, but a bigger part wondered if I might be able to tease some information out of her about Lucas’s whereabouts. I hadn’t seen him in the office and I’d been hovering in reception at the beginning and end of the day in an effort just to get a glimpse of him, to see if I could read his thoughts without breaking his ‘no contact’ rule.
I’d even resorted to calling reception from my cell phone, adopting a different accent and asking for him, just to establish whether or not he was actually in the building. I was officially pathetic.
“Sure,” I said eventually, her tone suddenly bright.
“I’ll meet you there at one,” she said, putting down the phone as I wondered why we couldn’t just get a cab together. I called Zac, deciding that I’d be back at the club tomorrow to update him on the party. It wasn’t urgent, but it was my usual afternoon with Lucas as I wondered sadly if he would be there, finding himself a new partner to fulfil his desires. The thought made me sick to my churning stomach. I was tormenting myself and it had to stop. This was the serious downside of being a submissive and the time away from Lucas was proving agonising.
I thought about creating a fake work problem, endless possibilities racing through my brain in an effort to get him down here; or at the very least hear his voice or read his words. The need to please him was embedded far more deeply than I’d realised, the thought of further punishment or abstinence sending my stomach into a revolving spin. For the first time since we’d started this whole thing I seriously questioned whether I was really cut out for it.
It seemed so unfair; one person calling the shots as though I had no rights to dictate what should happen between us. I’d been told my needs and wants were paramount. That in return for my trust and my dedication to my Dominant, I’d be rewarded and cared for, pleasured beyond measure but it certainly didn’t feel that way now. Okay, I hadn’t shown trust, but the penalty seemed severe and all I felt was abandoned and alone, with a sickening feeling deep in my belly that I’d let down the man I was so desperate to please.
It was playing havoc with my brain and doing nothing to stifle the suffocating insecurity I’d been feeling for days, knowing that I couldn’t lose my head. There was too much at stake. I needed another perspective, to speak to my sister, but I could just imagine her reaction right now.
‘Fuck him, he’s a dickwad. How dare he behave like this after everything you’ve done?’ she’d say. I started to dial, putting down the phone before it connected. I couldn’t face it.
By late afternoon, a number of requests for parties had come in and running them past my partner seemed like a viable reason to contact him. It wasn’t a problem or urgent as such, but I couldn’t wait any longer, listing the events and requesting his opinion. A dozen times I typed ‘I miss you’ on the bottom of the email. I deleted it and repeated the process over and over again, until I finally decided against it and pressed send, wondering if he’d even bother to respond.
My heart soared as the reply landed in my inbox almost immediately.
Come to my office, now.
It was impersonal and to the point, but it made my stomach erupt in a flurry of excitement, knowing I would get to see him and slicking on some cherry red gloss as I made my way to the elevator.
Melody was out and I knocked quietly on his door, entering on his command and watching him as closely as he was watching me. He gestured silently for me to sit, his face utterly unreadable and it crushed me as I swallowed hard.
He clearly wasn’t missing me nearly as much as I was him. I needed to hold myself together professionally, having let myself down so much on the personal front. If he decided that our relationship outside the office wouldn’t work, that would be devastating, but I couldn’t afford for him to dissolve the business partnership.
I took a deep breath as he set the list out on the table, holding my gaze and the pull was so strong I forced myself to look away. Deep in his eyes I was lost, and the feeling of abandonment was almost overpowering. I stared instead at the printed sheet sitting on the desk between us, watching as his firm hand struck out each event with his thick black pen.
I had an idea why. Most of the proposals were accompanied by the request that Lucas Hunter would be in attendance, in fact all of them were. Word had spread quickly about Evangelista and Hunter Entertainments and it seemed that much of London society would do anything to have him attend their gatherings, including have me organise it.
“No, no, no, no, no” he said as I stared at the page, feeling his eyes bearing down on me, but I couldn’t look up. “Do this one, they are distantly related to the royals and it will be a good showcase piece. It’s upmarket and will attract the kind of clientele I’m aiming for,” he said, circling one and it took every ounce of my willpower not to look up. So much for me deciding how the business would be run, it seemed like Lucas already had it all figured out.
“Jesus Christ, we are not doing a super sweet sixteenth,” he snarled, crossing one request out with two thick lines and sounding suddenly incensed. I knew then that coming here was a bad idea as I kept my eyes trained on that paper.
“That’s it,” he said, shoving the list roughly across the desk
to me as I took it, his hand briefly touching mine, flooding me with emotion as I grabbed the paper, thanked him and headed quickly for the door. I still hadn’t lifted my eyes, hoping he would stop me and say something, anything that made me feel more special than a mere employee as I turned the handle. I could feel his gaze burning into my back, but he didn’t speak and the heavy silence finally broke me.
I wasn’t even back at my desk when the tears came.
That had been torture and even worse than not seeing him at all. At least then I didn’t have to face his rejection repeatedly and look him in the eye, only to be discarded. I felt like it was over, but this was a punishment and perhaps it was how I was supposed to feel. If we were over he’d have said it. He wasn’t a man who held back or got hung up on emotion. There had been no words of comfort in that room and it had only served to ram home just how unusual our relationship was.
When we were together at the club I felt a connection so deep and so powerful it reached into my soul, taking me to the highest planes of pleasure that I had never even known existed before Lucas. For him, outside of sex, there was nothing. If I’d thought that night at the wine bar was a date I was wrong. He’d said himself he’d spent the day with a raging hard on and no doubt just wanted a repeat performance.
When lovers argued they fought with passion and made up just as hard; at least that’s what I’d read. If I fought with Lucas, I was punished, plain and simple. I wasn’t his lover or his equal. I didn’t have a voice and I couldn’t argue or answer back and I’d agreed to it all, signed up for it blindly, not knowing the devastating effects this man would have on me.
The worst thing was; I knew I couldn’t turn my back on it. If this was how it was, then so be it, because the thought of being without him was like looking into an endless black hole of misery and desperation and the only thing worse than I felt right now.
I moved through the day on autopilot, marking down the hours like some interminable prison sentence and hoping that taking care of my little ray of happiness at home would cheer me up. It was the only thought that got me through the rest of the day.
CHAPTER 24
I pulled out my compact, refreshing my make-up before heading out through the revolving doors and catching a cab to Groucho. Yesterday had been awful and I was desperate to get out of the office. My head was all over the place and even lunch with the ice queen seemed preferable to sitting at home and faking it for Dex and Chas, or moping in my office, staring at my silent phone and trying not to cry.
If I had the events to research at least it would have given me something to do, but he’d only agreed to one and the appointment was a week away. I’d done as much as I could for the engineering event, and even the fetish club was now a double edged sword.
Melody hadn’t arrived as I was shown to a small table at the back of the restaurant, ordering a bottle of water and perusing the menu, looking up as I heard a laugh so familiar that my heart stopped in my chest.
It was Lucas and I smiled involuntarily, my face lighting up as I saw him, my stomach exploding in a churning sickness when I looked down, noticing his hand pressed against the back of the beautiful woman he’d once been engaged to, as he guided her across the restaurant.
Charlie walked up beside him, patting his back, and the striking trio made their way gracefully to a booth at the other side of the room. None of them had seen me yet, but I couldn’t look away, frozen in the moment and reading every nuance of his gestures and his expression. His head turned slowly as he sat, scanning the restaurant until his gaze met mine. He stared in stunned shock for the briefest moment, before turning his attention back to Roberta, sliding into the booth beside her and completely ignoring my presence. Why the hell did he have to be with her?
I forced myself to look away, angry tears pricking at my eyes with the callous rejection. Charlie looked at Lucas then at me, frowning deeply, standing and making his way across the restaurant, sitting opposite me and smiling as I tried, and failed, to force a tight smile back.
“Hey, Jess, what are you doing here?” he asked as I swallowed hard, looking over to Lucas who was deep in conversation with Roberta and couldn’t give a damn that I was hurting like hell.
“Melody invited me for lunch, but it doesn’t look like she’s coming,” I said quietly, my voice cracking as Charlie frowned, sad blue eyes gazing into mine.
“What’s going on with you and Lucas? Are you okay?” he asked as I nodded, trying to force a brave front, but it was nigh on impossible, standing and wrestling my bag from the back of my chair, desperate to leave before the inevitable onslaught of tears that I knew were imminent.
I didn’t want a scene, I just needed to get out of there, certain that Melody had done this on purpose and stung by Lucas’s indifference. Charlie’s kind words were just the nudge I needed to push me over the edge. My heart was pounding, hammering out of my chest and I felt like I couldn’t breathe, knowing I had to leave. I had no right to confront him and what would I say if I did?
I forced myself to walk on unsteady feet, fleeing the restaurant and hailing a cab just as the tears began to flow mercilessly down my cheeks.
I had no idea how I got through the discussion on the party with Zac, asking if I could take my favourite room for the afternoon, laying on the bed, curling under the covers and pulling them tight as I sobbed uncontrollably into the pillows. He’d assumed Lucas would be joining me and I didn’t put him right, knowing that I had to get this out of my system. I couldn’t cry at home. Dex would be upset and Chas would go mental with a million questions and insults about the dickwad and our unusual arrangement. I needed to let it out, feel the release of the pain that was all consuming.
Thoughts about the times I’d spent here with Lucas invaded my brain; the joy, the desire and the passion he overwhelmed me with – a far cry from what I was feeling right now. I knew it wouldn’t work, it couldn’t work like this and it seemed that my insecurity and fears about Roberta were well founded after all. The office was one thing; taking the bitch out for lunch was something else entirely, and the way he had touched her tortured my thoughts as bile rose in my throat.
I couldn’t compartmentalise, I just wasn’t strong enough, but I knew if I wanted this that I had to be. I cried myself to sleep in the familiar bed, a deep sadness rooted in my soul as I realised it may be the last time I would ever be here.
I woke, noticing the black streaks of mascara that stained the pillow, sitting up suddenly, panicking and wondering how long I’d been out. I banged my head against the headboard as I reeled backwards, stunned and shocked by the tall presence leaning against the wall by the door, gazing down at me.
“How long have you been here?” I stuttered, surprised and trying desperately to read the expression on his face, but he was giving little away.
“A while,” he said softly, making his way across to the bed, sitting on the side as he turned to face me, wiping away the soft hot tears that sprang involuntarily from my eyes.
“I can’t do this, Lucas,” I said as he pulled me into his arms, holding me in a crushing grip as I felt his heart beating quickly beneath his crisp white shirt. Part of me wanted to pull away for the pain he’d caused, but a bigger part couldn’t move, needing the feel of his body tight and close, knowing I meant something to him.
“I knew you’d take it hard, but I didn’t realise how hard,” he said softly as I gazed up at him, wet eyes wide and I knew this was the time for honesty.
“I’m sorry but this is all too much for me. I can’t bear seeing you with her. I love surrendering myself to you. When you take control it makes me feel more desired than I ever thought possible, but this is a whole new world and its taking over my life. I can’t control how I feel. I can’t concentrate or focus on anything and I’m even distant with Dexter...” I trailed off as a fresh wave of tears pricked at my eyes and I swallowed hard.
“Do you trust me?” Lucas asked, holding my face gently in his hands as I watched the perfect movem
ent of those beautiful lips. When he was here, like this, holding me and soothing me I felt safe and protected and I trusted him implicitly, but images of Roberta plagued me.
“In here, yes, but when you ignored me today and you were with her again, Lucas, it was more than I could take,” I said as he shook his head.
“You have nothing to fear, Jess. I won’t let you down, or walk away. I’m not with anyone else, nor do I have any desire to be. I’m trying to teach you and I understand that some lessons are harder than others, but that you’re here, crying alone in our room does not sit well with me,” he said, pulling me against him.
“I screwed up, Lucas, and I’m sorry, but it’s hard to keep a check on my feelings when it comes to other women, especially her. In here, it works, but out there I don’t know if I can do it. The jealousy just takes over sometimes and it’s not like we’re a couple. I feel as if I have no rights and no claim over you,” I said as he gazed down at me, nodding slowly.
“I understand and that’s why I told her not to come to the office any more. I had no idea you’d be at Groucho today.”
I wasn’t sure the fact I was there was entirely the point here. “Melody invited me for lunch, but she didn’t show up,” I said as he frowned deeply.
“I didn’t know you were friends,” he said seriously as I laughed gently.
“We’re not, she hates me. She said she was offering me an olive branch and I thought it would be easier for you if we got along, so I agreed to go. When I saw you with Roberta I thought maybe she’d done it on purpose, although I don’t know why she would. I’m not certain she even knows there’s anything going on with us,” I said, his mouth set in a stern line and I wasn’t sure who he was upset with now.
“How many times do I need to tell you? Roberta is business, Jess, you have no grounds for jealousy,” he said, stroking my hair. I breathed a small sigh of relief, but his words didn’t altogether lift my heavy heart.
