by L. J. Dee
“None of that is true, although I understand why you feel that way today, Jess,” he said as I shook my head.
“It’s not just today though, is it? You bought him a fucking phone and didn’t even tell me, Lucas. That was sneaky and underhand and...” my voice trailed off. I had never been so grateful for anything yesterday, and it wasn’t the phone itself but the principle.
“And a good move in hindsight if somewhat misguided,” he said, finishing my sentence for me. “Listen, Jess, the kid wanted to call me and I didn’t think it would do any harm. I didn’t tell you because you keep insisting on compartmentalising and shutting me out. I get that it was stupid, and I understand why you’re angry. I don’t like being told ‘no’ and you wouldn’t let me in, so I took matters into my own hands. That won’t happen again,” he said seriously as I shook my head.
Wouldn’t let him in? Didn’t he know that he hadn’t just opened the door into our lives he’d smashed through it and was more deeply ‘in’ already than I could even comprehend myself? He had me and he had Dex, but I had to slow this thing down for my own sanity. If he knew how I felt there would be no way back and I’d be crushed under the weight of that determined will.
“The advice about Dex has come from the trauma counsellor. He isn’t as deeply affected as you are, but he’ll have questions that he needs to work through from a child’s perspective. Normality is the best aid for that, Jess, and I know you want what is right for Dexter. Keep him there until the end of term. I know of a great school that’s incredibly secure and they will take him if you decide that’s the best option,” he said as I stared at him open mouthed.
“Can’t you see why I’m scared? Jesus, Lucas, you just can’t help yourself, can you? Already you’ve spoken to the trauma counsellor, arranged the future of his education and got them to accept him God knows where, and I’ve only just got out of bed. You’re a whirlwind and I can’t keep up,” I sighed, starting to cry as he walked over to me, pulling me hard against his chest.
“I won’t apologise for that. As your Dominant it is my job to look after you. Right now that means taking away the practical necessities, letting you know you are supported and getting you the help you need whether you realise that is the right thing for you or not,” he said as I looked up at him, stunned and frowning. “It’s my job to look after you,” he said firmly, holding my gaze.
“Look after me or railroad me, Lucas? Because that’s what it feels like,” I said as he stared at me hard in frustration.
“I am seeing what you can’t; dealing with what you won’t, and sorting out the things you are currently unable to manage. Sit down,” he said in a tone that brokered no argument and I followed his command out of habit.
“What do you want for Dexter?” he asked, resuming his position on the couch as I thought about it for a moment.
“To put this behind him and to go back to school, but I’m scared and worried. I know I won’t concentrate or settle if he’s not with me,” I said, wiping away the fresh set of tears as he smiled softly. “I don’t want Sid in our lives. He was a terrible father and he put Jake through hell. I need to keep Dexter away from him, Lucas.”
“A lot of that was about you, sweetheart. I asked you what you wanted for Dexter,” he said as I swallowed hard. “You’re the one most traumatised. He just saw it as an adventure. He never felt scared and he wasn’t harmed and he was the one that stopped me from punching the bastard’s lights out. They were having a good time when I found them, Jess. I sought a professional opinion because I knew it would help, and I’ve spoken to the school. One wrong move and we will prosecute. They won’t let him out of their sight. The other school is one I know well. It has the highest security because it’s attended by the children of some of the world’s most influential figures. I thought that would help to put your mind at rest,” he said as I stared at him opened mouthed.
“Look around, Lucas. If you’re talking about private school, which I can only assume you are, I can’t afford it. Besides, he might not like it and I don’t want him growing up being taught about entitlement and thinking he’s a cut above, just because he’s surrounded by kids from rich families. We’re not a rich family, Lucas” I said as he watched me closely.
“He can go to Wetherby, then Ludgrove and then if he wants to Eton or Harrow. I will fund it, Jess. I will pay for it all upfront,” he said as I stared at him in wide eyed shock.
“You’ve just mapped out my child’s entire future, Lucas. He’s staying at the primary school down the road,” I said defiantly, knowing that at least one thing Lucas had said was true. With the threat of legal action hanging over them, Dex would be monitored closely from this moment on.
“Fine, baby, it’s your choice, you’re his mother. I just wanted you to know there are options and I will help you, whatever it takes,” he smiled as I wondered momentarily whether I was being too hard on Lucas. Maybe he was only trying to help, but it was so tricky, so confusing and I knew what was at the heart of it.
“I feel like we’re from different worlds and it makes me insecure,” I said as he nodded, beckoning me onto his lap as I walked across to him without thinking. My head was all over the place as he pulled me onto his knee, stroking my hair soothingly and trying to reassure me.
“I understand, Jess, but you’re putting too much emphasis on money. Usually the chicks dig that I’m loaded,” he laughed as I shook my head. “Sweetheart, it’s not the most important thing here,” he said when I didn’t respond.
“Money isn’t important, Lucas, until you haven’t got any. Believe me, when you have to choose between light and food, or heat and mending the holes in your shoes it becomes pretty all consuming,” I said, sighing deeply.
“My wealth puts me in the privileged position of being able to help in ways others can’t. That is all I’m trying to do. I’m sorry for what you went through, but I assure you, you will never have to go there again. We’re from the same world, Jess, and don’t forget it, only don’t tell Dex – he things I’m from Krypton,” he grinned as I laughed.
“Sometimes, Lucas, so do I,” I said, shaking my head and thinking Superman had nothing on Lucas Hunter as I hopped off his lap.
“I’m going for a shower,” I said, desperate to feel human and move forward and put yesterday far, far behind me.
“One question, Jess,” he said, standing and pulling on his coat as I stopped and turned, holding that incredible gaze. “Would you have the same issues if this relationship were more traditional?”
I swallowed hard, blinking rapidly, my heart swelling at the possibility as my brain tried to shut it down. Would I? “I don’t know” I said quietly, trying to read the expression on his face, but it was futile. He was unreadable.
“I’ll see you later. Dex invited me for tea,” he smiled, turning and walking out of the apartment before I could say another word.
CHAPTER 30
“He offered to pay for Dexter to go to Eton or Harrow?”
Chas stared at me in unadulterated shock. “And you turned him down, why? Do you have any idea of the kind of education he’ll get? His future is set if he goes there and Dexter will thrive. He’s incredibly intelligent. Christ, he could wind up as Prime Minister,” she gushed excitedly as I rolled my eyes, but she stood there, hands on hips and absolutely adamant.
“You always say you want the best for your son and the education that Lucas Hunter is offering is the best; probably the best in the world. Don’t stare at me as though I’m insane. You are looking a seriously large gift horse in the mouth here because you’re being so damn stubborn. You really need to think about this one,” she said, putting the pasta bake in the oven, shaking her head.
“I fucking love Lucas Hunter,” she laughed, turning to face me and noticing the sudden wave of anxiety that flickered across my face, as realisation spread across hers in the shape of a giant all-knowing grin. “And so do you,” she said as I stared at her hard.
“Have you told him?” she
asked as I shook my head. “Good. Don’t. Let’s see if we can get him to agree to send my future offspring to Eton first, before you make that announcement and he runs for the hills,” she laughed as I stared at her aghast.
“Do you think he will?” I gasped.
“Probably, they usually do,” she shrugged as I blew out hard, rising to answer the knock on the door.
“That’ll be Lucas. Dex invited him for tea,” I laughed as Chas stared at me horrified.
“You could have told me, Jess. Its pasta bloody bake,” she said as I shrugged. “I would have done something nice if I’d known he was coming,” she said as I shook my head.
“Pasta bake is all you know,” I laughed, moving down the hallway and I could hear her cursing and pacing around the kitchen, calling me every name under the sun. I don’t know why she was so concerned, he was my boyfriend I thought, suddenly realising he wasn’t and trying to remind myself why. It was getting harder and harder.
“Hey, Lucas. I’m off to work, Jess. Don’t wait up! It’s a club opening in the city. It’s called ‘Sparks’ and its incredible,” she smiled as I nodded.
“Charlie’s going to that,” Lucas said as Chas flashed her eyebrows at him.
“I know” she winked, grabbing her coat and bag. Dexter emerged from his bedroom, running at Lucas who lifted him up and threw him in the air as he giggled uncontrollably.
“How have you been?” he asked as I smiled.
“I’m better than I was at breakfast. Thank you, Lucas. I’m sorry for giving you a hard time. Just no more going behind my back, okay,” I said as he nodded, following me through to the kitchen as I heard Dexter whisper to him.
“Mummy’s cross about the phone, isn’t she? Does that mean I have to give it back?” He asked.
“We have to ask permission first, Dex,” he said as I smiled to myself. Maybe he was learning after all.
“Why do you have to ask permission? I thought you were the boss of everyone,” he said and I couldn’t help but laugh.
“Nearly everyone. Only your mummy has more power than I do,” he said, winking at me and filling me with a surge of warmth.
Dexter didn’t look convinced. Maybe he was altogether more intuitive than I realised. I pulled out a chilled bottle of white wine and some juice and they took their seats at the table. They were chatting away as I prepared the salad, laying out the cutlery and waiting for the oven to ping.
“What are we having?” Lucas smiled as Dexter pulled a funny face.
“Pasta bake, Lucas. We always have pasta bake,” he said as Lucas laughed and I turned a chastising frown on Dexter.
“No we don’t,” I said as he started laughing.
“Yes we do, Mummy. Aunty Chas makes it every night,” he said as my cheeks flared and I looked at Lucas who seemed to find the whole thing amusing.
“Every night?” he smiled, looking at Dex who nodded vehemently. His “Yep” was accompanied by a funny little grimace. I giggled, arranging the tomatoes on the plates as the oven signalled the readiness of our meal and I pulled it out. It was hardly nouveau cuisine, but Lucas didn’t seem unduly phased.
“I have Lego, Lucas. Will you help me make a castle after tea?” Dex asked as Lucas glanced at me and I smiled and nodded. He was definitely learning. “Do you like Lego, Lucas?”
I knew the questions would be interminable all night and it was all I could do not to laugh, wondering just how long Lucas’s patience would last. He was normally so stern and serious it was almost comical to watch; comical and utterly endearing.
“I love Lego, Dex, but I like Scalextric more,” he said as Dexter stared at him wide eyed and mesmerised, listening intently to the inner workings of the racing track game and hanging on Lucas’s every word. The boy was besotted and my heart clenched.
“I’ll buy you one if you like,” Lucas smiled at Dex before his gaze shot quickly to mine and from the look on his face he already knew he’d screwed up.
“Can I have one? Can I have one, Mummy, please?” Dex jumped up and down excitedly in his seat as I shook my head.
“No, Dex, we don’t have the space,” I sighed deeply as tears sprung to his eyes.
“Please, Mummy, Lucas said he’ll pay for it so you don’t have to.”
I closed my eyes feeling like an absolute bitch before opening them and glowering at Lucas who was smiling apologetically. My stomach erupted at the tender look on his glorious, beautiful face as I took another deep breath.
“It’s not the money, Dex. I told you, we don’t have the space for Scalextric, the track is too big and there is nowhere for it to go,” I said firmly, picking up the empty plates and unable to look at either of them.
“Go and get the Lego ready in the lounge. I’ll be out in a second,” Lucas said as Dex ran off excitedly. He came to stand behind me at the sink, wrapping strong firm arms around my waist and nuzzling my neck, kissing that sweet spot that sent shudders erupting over my skin, no doubt in an effort to distract me that very nearly worked.
I turned to face him, wriggling out of his grip and trying not to drown in the eyes that were looking longingly into mine. “When I say ask me, I mean do it first before you agree to anything or offer any grand gestures and DON’T ask in front of Dex. I feel like the wicked witch of the west now, and you can see how small the apartment is. Please, Lucas, I know this is hard for you, but it is really important to me,” I said as he moved his lips to mine, a small smile playing around his mouth.
“I’m sorry, Mummy,” he whispered against my mouth and I couldn’t help but giggle as his lips found mine, caressing them slowly and pulling me tight as I moaned against him, lost in that delicious feeling, the unique taste and it was impossible to stay angry.
“I mean it,” I said breathily, pulling away as Dex shouted Lucas from the lounge.
“I know” he said, stroking his hand gently down my cheek, kissing me softly again as I leant against the sink, knowing I was in too deep.
The feeling only got worse as I watched them build their castle together and the man had the patience of a saint, listening to Dex telling him how he liked it, and then showing him how to build a turret, brick by painstaking brick.
“I have a presentation at Sports Kids next Friday, Lucas, will you come and watch?” Dexter asked hopefully as Lucas glanced across for my approval.
“I don’t know, Dex,” he smiled, “I’ll look at my schedule.”
Dexter’s face fell as my heart lurched. I could see he really wanted that, and part of me did too. Dexter wanted a dad, to be like the other kids, but it wasn’t something I could offer or promise him. Lucas and I were a long way from that.
“Will you put me to bed, Lucas?” he asked eventually, yawning as I smiled, nodding and clearing away the Lego as I tried to gather my thoughts. This was a big step forward. Buying him a toy was one thing, the prospect of letting him down emotionally was something else entirely, and I was still thinking about it as he came into the lounge, pulling me onto his lap.
“I had a great time, Jess,” he smiled as I smiled back.
“Me too,” I said, warmed by the happiness that engulfed his features.
“I’d like to come to the presentation,” he said as my smile faded.
“It’s just so fast, Lucas. You can see how he is with you. He loves you already and I’m scared. You’re busy and you run God knows how many businesses. I know things crop up last minute and it would be terrible if you let him down. I know you wouldn’t do it on purpose, but the outcome would still be the same,” I said as Lucas gazed at me, his face as serious as I had ever seen it.
“This is new to me too, Jess, and I have to learn from you just as you are learning from me. But you don’t seem to trust me enough to give me a chance,” he said as a small frown flickered across my face.
“It’s different, Lucas. If I fuck up you can spank me. It hurts like hell but it heals. I’m not sure Dexter’s heart would mend quite so quickly if you let him down.”
“I’
ll be there,” he said firmly as I swallowed hard, thinking maybe I should give him a chance, for both of us.
“Please, Lucas, just let me think about it,” I said as he smiled and nodded.
“Would you like me to stay?” he asked as I shook my head. I needed a bit of space. Lucas was everything I wanted, but I was so overwhelmed and the unrelenting fear in the back of my mind was there again.
“There’s something else stopping you, isn’t there?” he asked as he stood, pulling me into his arms and kissing my forehead lightly. “Take all the time you need, baby, to think about what you want,” he whispered against my ear, brushing his lips gently against mine before smiling gently and leaving the apartment as I stood momentarily in mute shock.
I’d expected him to ask me what it was, to demand to know, but he hadn’t. He was giving me space, time and the support I needed to come to my own decisions and just like that he had broken down another objection. God, he was good at this.
CHAPTER 31
I followed the advice of the trauma counsellor and Lucas and sent Dex back to school the next day, but it was another two before I was fit to go anywhere. Despite talking to every single teacher in the place, I was on the phone every hour checking that he was okay.
They wouldn’t let him out of their sight; I’d been reassured of that, trying to force myself to think of something else as I sat in my office with my fingers hovering permanently over my phone. It wasn’t practical to keep doing it. I needed to get back to normality, but Sid was out on the streets, and despite the reassurances of the Police that he wasn’t a danger, I still couldn’t settle.
I hadn’t seen Lucas and assumed he was giving me the space he’d promised, not altogether certain that was what I wanted either. When I wasn’t with him, I ached for him and Dex missed him too. There was no denying the strength of my feelings, but there was still that undeniable fear I couldn’t shake and the insecurities that seemed to plague me relentlessly. I sighed deeply, looking up as the door to the office opened and he walked inside.
