by L. K. Lewis
I decide to take a cab home since it’s dark out now and I don’t really want to walk home in the city by myself. I make myself a quick bite to eat when I get home, then climb into the bathtub and try to soak my worries away. I climb in bed a little while later and it has never felt so cold and empty.
I feel like in a way I should be mad at Drake for just leaving like he did yesterday without telling me why he was so freaked out. I should be more mad that he hasn’t called or returned my texts. He hasn’t even checked in to let me know he is okay, but just needs a little time and space to figure things out. He hasn’t fought for me. I’m not mad, though, I’m just sad. I miss my best friend. I miss my love, my soul. Even though Drake was busy working this week and we barely saw each other, we still checked in. We still stayed connected. As I lie in bed now crying for the second night in a row, I’m feeling the imminent disconnection and it’s breaking my heart.
Drake
I thought it was hard being away from Morgan all week because of work, it’s worse being away from her because I’m too ashamed to call. She has left me tons of voicemails and texts wanting to make sure I’m okay, asking me to reach out and talk to her. I know she cares, and in my heart I know she would understand, but I’m so ashamed of this part of my life, I don’t know how to be able to move on from this without telling her. I know I should check in with her, and I’m being cruel for not communicating, but I don’t know what else to do. This separation from her is killing me, and I’m sure it’s doing the same for her. Morgan doesn’t deserve what I’m doing to her. We have such little private time together and I’m wasting it at home. I’m sitting here like a dumbass hiding from my past instead of fighting for my future. This is ridiculous. I’m going over there. I know it’s late, but I have to hold her. I’ll beg on my knees for her forgiveness if that’s what it takes. I told her I’d fight for her, for us, and making it through what I have to tell her will be a battle for me, that’s for sure, but if there is anyone that is work the fight, it’s Morgan.
I don’t even bother to knock when I get to Morgan’s apartment. It’s late and I’m sure she is in bed already so I just use my key to let myself in. Just as I thought, all the lights are off. The familiar scent of her shower gel has filled her place, telling me she was soaking in the bath. I know she does that when she’s stressed out, and it saddens me to think I’m the one that has caused her stress and sadness. I strip my clothes off outside her bedroom door so I don’t wake her with too much noise. Being here tonight is not about sex. It’s about being with Morgan, spending the night with my arms wrapped tightly around the person I love more than anything in this world. I tiptoe into Morgan’s bedroom, and just the sight of her breaks my heart. She is asleep, but she’s breathing heavily and her eyes are red and swollen. There is a box of Kleenex next to her bed and her pillowcase is tear stained. I can’t believe I’ve allowed myself to cause her so much grief. I’ve been so selfish letting my shame take control, and have cut her off so completely that she has literally cried herself to sleep. Did she do this last night too? Morgan deserves so much more than this. I slide into bed behind her and gently pull her into my arms, taking care not to wake her. I send a prayer into the universe that she will forgive me for what I’ve put her through these last two days, and fall asleep breathing in her smell, memorizing the way she feels in my arms, and hoping this won’t be the last night she spends in them.
“Am I dreaming?” Morgan asks sleepily as she stirs in my arms Sunday morning. I woke up about a half hour ago, and have been holding her, watching her sleep. Her eyes are still a bit swollen from crying herself to sleep, and she had rolled over sometime during the night and looked so beautiful as her head lay on my chest.
“No, baby, you aren’t dreaming. I couldn’t stand to be apart from you another second so I slipped into bed with you last night. I hope that’s okay,” I say.
“No, it’s not okay. Where have you been? I’ve been worried sick about you, about us,” Morgan’s voice starts to break.
“I know, baby, I’m so sorry. I didn’t handle things very well.”
“Didn’t handle things well? Drake, you didn’t handle things at all! You just took off on me. I just wanted to have some fun and be sexy for you. I’ve never done something like that and I really put myself out there for you and you just panicked and ran. How do you think that made me feel?” Morgan says, as tears start to fall.
“I’m so sorry, I’m so ashamed for the way I acted. I should have stayed and talked to you. I want you to know Morgan, that I think you looked very sexy. You turn me on in every way, baby, you always do. I’m sorry if I’ve ever given you the impression that you have to do more for me or our sex life,” I start to explain.
“Drake, I love our sex life too. I love everything about us. It had just been a long week, and I thought I’d do something new and fun. Why did you run? What made you panic? Please just talk to me, don’t run. I’ve told you before I would listen and try to understand if you just let me in and be honest with me. If it’s about your past that’s okay, just tell me so I don’t spend precious time in our weekend worrying about you, wondering what I did wrong.”
“Oh, Morgan, you didn’t do anything wrong. I love that you wanted to do something fun for me. Believe me when I say you looked so sexy. You’re such a beautiful woman, Morgan, I’m lucky to have you. I should have stayed and talked to you but it brought me back to such a low time in my life that I’m not sure I’m ready to tell you about yet, if ever. I’m worried that it’ll be too hard to understand and you’ll leave me. I know you said you’d fight for us, but I worry that my past might be too much sometimes and I love you too much to let it destroy us.”
We are now both sitting up in bed facing each other. I know I need to tell Morgan about my past and this is the best time to tell her so I guess it’s now or never.
“Drake, just tell me what you can, and put faith in me that I’ll stay. Your past is what has made you the person you are, for better or worse. I need to you tell me what made you panic Friday night. It made me feel so low, that what I did was wrong. I need to understand what happened so I don’t feel this way anymore,” Morgan pleads.
Tears are now falling down my cheeks. I grab her face and kiss her, wrapping her in my arms. “I’m so sorry, I can’t believe what I put you through. What you did was sweet, not wrong. I can’t believe I was so selfish that I left you feeling that way without explanation. I’m so, so sorry. It’ll never happen again. I’ll be honest with you. Please don’t feel like you did anything wrong, you were trying to be sweet and fun and you were, it’s just my fucked up past that got in the way.”
I take a deep breath and pull back from Morgan, grabbing her hands. Her touch is so grounding and I need it to get through what I have to say.
“Morgan, I’ve told you about losing my mom at an early age, and growing up with a stepmother who was more interested in spending my father’s money than being the adult female figure in my life.” I take another deep breath and continue, “My mother gave me constant affection and love as a little boy. She was never inappropriate with me or anything, she was just the only person to tell me they loved me, or give me hugs, kisses, and reassurance. My father always worked, and I’m an only child so it was usually just my mom and me. I always had friends at school, and I played sports here and there, but I think I knew deep down how much my mom needed me, so I usually stayed home to be with her rather than going to friends’ houses, or having anyone over to play.
“After my mom killed herself, I was left without love. From the day I found her until I was about 15, I didn’t receive any type of affection. My dad never told me he loved me, or was proud of me, and it was something I missed so much that I started to crave it deep within my soul. I didn’t really crave love so to speak, it wasn’t really anything I think I needed. To be honest, I think deep down I didn’t think I deserved love because the love I tried to give to my mom wasn’t enough to keep her alive. I thought I loved a woman a c
ouple years ago, we were even in a relationship but I ended up hurting her more than I’ve ever hurt someone before. It scared me to death. I realized if I was able to hurt her the way I did, then it wasn’t really love. Like I said, I only thought I loved her, but deep down I knew I didn’t. From the moment I met you I was in love. I saw you waiting in the lobby for me to greet you and just the sight of you blew me away. I took one look at you and that craving returned. I wanted you in every way possible, but most of all I just wanted to make you mine. From the moment I met you I have been so terrified that I’d hurt you. I’ve fought to stay in control, and seeing you dressed as you were and cuffed to your bed brought back so many feelings and emotions that I was afraid I’d lose control and hurt you too, and I couldn’t do that to you Morgan, I love you too much,” I say, squeezing Morgan’s hands a little tighter.
“I understand what you mean by needing love and affection, Drake. I can only imagine what it might have been like to go through such an important part of your life without those hugs and kisses. Children need them to feel assurance and safety. But why do you think you’ll hurt me? What does that mean?” Morgan looks a little scared. I can see in her eyes she’s trying to process everything I say and understand it without judgment.
“I lost my virginity when I was 15. I was a freshman in high school and had started going out with a girl who was a junior. I don’t really think she liked me as much as she said, I just think she liked my father’s money, and the fact that I had a chauffeur and could buy her gifts. She basically threw herself at me from the get go. After the first time we had sex, it’s like a switch was flipped. I craved the affection and closeness that sex provided. Every time I bought her a present, she would reward me with sex. I realized after a while that I didn’t really even like this girl, I just liked the way I felt after sex. I was able to completely remove any feelings for her and she didn’t mind that our relationship turned into nothing but sex, as long as it also involved a little blue box from Tiffany or something equally fabulous. Thank God my dad never mentioned my credit card bill to me. I doubt he even paid it himself, I bet someone in his accounting department sent the check. When I graduated high school and was in college, I threw myself into learning business. I wasn’t really interested in taking over for my father at that point, but I loved the lifestyle his money provided, and I wanted that for myself as well. I had closed my heart to love or any feelings like it, but I needed sex to function. Not wanting a relationship of any kind and the complications of feelings that came with one, I started filling the need of intimacy with prostitutes. If I had a big test, I’d go get laid. If I was pissed, or had a bad day, or was stressed for any reason, I’d go get laid. I always wore condoms, and have always gotten tested regularly, but after a while, being with whores, even the high-end ones made me feel cheap and dirty. I started drinking heavily and using drugs here and there to fill the void instead of sex but it didn’t really help. I’m not sure how I made it through college, but by the time I graduated I had a pretty heavy habit of drinking and women, with a little bit of drugs sprinkled here and there.
“I landed a pretty good job out of college and was doing pretty well when I met a woman I worked with. Actually, I worked for her, she was one of the department heads. We started a relationship pretty soon after I began working for her, and we dated for almost a year. Even after being with as many women over the years as I had been, this woman was more advanced sexually than I ever had been. She liked a more kinky sex life than I had experience in. She would often have me tie her up while wearing different little outfits, and would tell me how to please her. Without really knowing what it was or anything about the lifestyle, she was a dominant, and had made me her submissive. She didn’t whip me or anything like that, she just liked to tell me what to do and I was so hungry for any kind of affection that I did almost everything she asked me to. She told me she loved me, and would hold me tight at night. I thought intimacy equated love. I had closed myself off from any emotion for so long, that I was actually very naïve and immature when it came to what a true relationship was that I had no idea what I was doing.
“After a while I realized that not only was our relationship not love, it was also pretty fucked up, so I left her. She got pissed and vindictive and told our bosses and pretty much anyone else that would listen to her that I had used our relationship to get ahead and I was fired for abusing power in the workplace. She was my boss and the one with the power, not me, but I was fired anyway. I didn’t fight it because I really just wanted to get as far away from her as possible, and was so embarrassed by the type of relationship that we had that I really didn’t want anyone to know anyway. What I didn’t realize was that she had also told a lot of people outside the company, but still in the same field, and I quickly became a persona non grata. People don’t really like to hire someone who has been a part of any kind of scandal in the workplace, especially a sex scandal. That is when I really started to spiral, drinking more than normal, and frequenting various high-end brothels in the city. I joined the bowling league as a way to spend some time doing something besides drinking and sex, but that didn’t really help.
“About six months after losing my job I had pretty successfully alienated myself from my friends, family, and anyone else in my life that was living more of a straight and narrow lifestyle. It was around that time that I had the scary wakeup call I told you about before and decided to turn my life around. It wasn’t hard to give up the drugs. It really wasn’t a huge habit for me, only a little fun now and again. The drinking wasn’t hard to control, either. I allowed myself a drink or two every once in a while and still do of course, but it is something I can go without and don’t struggle to control. The hardest thing to give up was sex. At first I thought I just needed a relationship instead of filling my need of intimacy with someone I could just pay for a few hours. I met a woman at a bar and tried to date her exclusively, telling myself that if it was sex with just one woman it was okay. I didn’t even have feelings for her, I just made myself believe I did. After a little while I broke it off with her and tried to quit sex cold turkey.
“After I had been “clean” for a while, replacing sex with healthy food and exercise, I decided to reach out to my father and ask him to hire me on and vet me for the CEO position. My father knew my past and my affinity for women, but he didn’t understand why. I think he thought I was just being a typical spoiled brat millionaire playboy. We didn’t have the kind of relationship where I could explain to him why I had the need for intimacy. When he agreed to take me on, and laid his rules out for me, I took it. I had already gone without sex for a while, and had no interest in a relationship so I thought it would be a walk in the park to make CEO if I just buckled down and did the work. Then you walked into my life and changed it forever.” I pause to meet Morgan’s gaze and give her a reassuring smile.
“Drake? Am I just filling a void? Is it really me that you want or is it just that you crave me?” Morgan asks with a frown. I knew it would be hard for her to hear and understand without feeling this way.
“Of course not, baby, I love you. I love you so much, Morgan. Of course I crave you, but not in the same way. When I saw you dressed like that and handcuffed, it brought me back to a place I didn’t belong. That woman had me do things to her that I wasn’t okay with doing. She told me she loved me, and I didn’t understand that our relationship was not love. We were fulfilling each other’s sexual needs and that was it. It was attraction, it was lust, but it was not love. I know that because I am so completely in love with you, nothing I’ve ever felt before compares.”
“How do you know that? If you removed yourself from emotion, if you are naïve and immature about relationships, how do you know it’s love that you feel for me?” Morgan asks.
“I know it’s love because I think of you night and day. I miss you when you are sitting right next to me. When I look at you my heart races and my stomach turns in the best and worst way possible. When I’m with you I feel co
mplete, I feel whole. When I’m away from you it’s hard to breathe. When I think of my life without you I panic and tears fill my eyes. Before I met you, I didn’t think I had much of a future besides being CEO at Baylor. I look at you, Morgan, and am filled with beautiful optimism at all of the things my future could have, and that is because I see you right there with me. I want to marry you, Morgan, I want to have children with you. You are my best friend, my confidant, my everything. To me that’s love. You say you love me, Morgan, is that how you feel?” I ask hopefully.
“Yes,” Morgan says, as a confident smile crosses her face and tears fill her eyes. “Yes, that is exactly how I feel. I love you, Drake, you are my everything,” She says, and she leans towards me, clasping my face between her hands, and kisses me with so much love and emotion, I am overcome and tears again fall down my cheeks.
“Morgan, I want you to know that my past … the women, the drugs, all of it … it really is in my past. I know we have a lot of sex, and I enjoy every bit of it, but I want you to know that I enjoy it, and I crave it, because it’s with you. Not for any other reason. With you, Morgan, it’s not just sex to me. When I’m with you, it’s love. I’ve only ever made love to you. Of course I need touch, and intimacy, and affirmations, and love, but so does every other person on the earth, it’s called human nature. I have never felt so thoroughly complete as when I’m with you, but that’s because I’m so happy just to be with you. I love you, baby … and I really hope that everything I told you today in no way reflects the way I feel about you in your mind. It is you that makes me happy and completes me in every way,” I say, hoping to offer her reassurance.
