Aching To Exhale

by Debra Kayn

  Oh, sweet baby Jesus. She swayed toward him in relief.

  When he curled his hand around her neck and pulled her against him, she let herself mold against his hard body. She raised her chin and whispered in his ear. "Thank you."

  "Promised you." He kissed her lips, planting his claim, making her believe in anything he said. "You need to learn how to trust me."

  He'd take care of her, and she'd do whatever she had to do to remain in the club's good gracious. This time she wouldn't be foolish. She wouldn't worry about others. She would mind her own business and stay safe.

  "Keg's rolled out. Everyone needs downtime after the ride." Raul slid his hand down her arm and latched onto her fingers. "Help the other girls finish up in here, and then come out and join me when you're done."

  "Okay," she said.

  The men left the room. She blew out her breath while her back was to the women, taking two seconds to pull herself together. Then she turned and walked with her shoulders back to join Jolene and Theresa in preparing the rest of the food. They worked in comfortable silence as if the earlier tension between them had magically disappeared with the approval of their president.

  Between warming the tortilla shells for the tacos and finding a bowl for the grated cheese, Crystal hugged Jolene when her friend offered her open arms without a word. She squeezed her friend extra-long, thankful for the show of friendship. The acceptance that came with belonging to the Lagsturns came with an affection she'd never received from anyone. No matter her past discretions, having someone cover her back and accept her for today meant everything to her.

  She filled her arms with food-filled dishes and followed the other women out to the main room. She tagged Raul standing in the corner of the area talking to Big Joe, who got his name from his six foot seven size, and Duck—whose real name was Buck, but when you're part of a motorcycle club nicknames form and he was stuck with Duck.

  "Go ahead and put the shells at the end, Crystal," Theresa moved out from behind the counter, letting Crystal take her place.

  The bar, a homemade rough carved high table, long, thick edges, served the club during down time when the occasion called for drinking or like tonight after a meeting when families came to join the men. Busying herself with lining up the bowls, she bumped into someone on her left.

  "I'm sorry," she said automatically stepping back.

  She glanced up into Ted Tango's squinty eyes. Inside, her empty stomach squeezed her esophagus. Ted had hung around Ethan, and she'd witnessed him walking out of Guillermo's office on more than one occasion.

  She refused to look away from his disapproval or let him intimidate her. She was the president's woman.

  "Excuse me," She stepped to the right.

  Tango moved toward her, blocking her exit. His too long, dirty brown hair fell forward as he dipped his chin. "Ethan's a lifer now."

  His low tone kept their conversation secret from the others and the pungent smell rolling off him caused her throat to constrict. She shivered, steeling her stomach as bile left her mouth bitter. "I heard."

  Tango's gaze hardened. "Some are saying you had your hand in him going down."

  "W-what?" She glanced around before settling on his face. "Who said that?"

  He leaned back, shrugged, and sniffed hard, clearing his throat. "You left at the same time Ethan played right into the hands of the Feds. In that piece of shit apartment you stayed in together, Ethan was shot, goes down for life, and you're nowhere to be found. Now you're here."

  "I didn't—"

  "Crystal?" Raul placed his hands on the counter and leaned forward. "Problem?"

  She shook her head. "No, no, I just finished putting the food out."

  Raul motioned with his chin. She glanced at Tango, squeezed past him, and hurried to Raul's side. Her heart pounded and when Raul grabbed her hand, she squeezed onto him, not wanting him to let go.

  "Hey." He pulled her closer and spoke in her ear. "Did Tango say something to you? You're shaking."

  She kissed his neck. "I'm okay. It's the big day. You know, not every night I get abducted from my job, carted across the state by a man I never thought to see again, and then have to face judgment with the club. You know, typical day in the life of Crystal."

  He studied her and let her slip into panic slide. "It'll be fine. Relax."

  "I hope you're right," she murmured, forcing a smile.

  She stuck by him as he plopped down on the green overused couch against the back wall. His arm went around her, and she inhaled deeply for the first time in the last ten minutes. She'd be okay. All she had to do was remain with Raul and nobody could hurt her.

  Chapter Six

  A loud string of angry Chinese conversations broke the quietness in Raul's room at the clubhouse. Crystal groaned, burying her head against Raul's chest and pulling the cover over her ears. Raul's chest rumbled underneath her, and she swatted at his bare stomach.

  "Stop laughing. I forgot how much I detest the location of the club," she said. "The restaurant doesn't even open until eleven o'clock, yet they're over there cooking and yelling at each other every morning."

  Raul tugged the blanket off them and pulled her up as he sat upright on the bed. "It's noon. We overslept. I'm riding out at one o'clock. I need to take a shower."

  She warmed, snuggling against him. "You smell like sex."

  "I smell like you." He pushed her back down on the bed and kissed her. "My woman."

  She sprawled her fingers on his chest, and scratched him lightly eliciting a growl from his mouth. Vibrations tingled her lips, still sensitive from their rather energetic tumble into bed at three o'clock this morning when the party downstairs broke up.

  Her nipples peaked and she kicked her leg out from under the blanket and hooked him around the waist, keeping him near. No matter where they were, if he was beside her, touching her, speaking to her, looking at her, she wanted more. Addictive and tantalizing, Raul created a maelstrom of desires within her. Already she needed him again.

  His tongue slid lazily against hers as if he had all the time in the world to kiss her thoroughly. She arched atop the mattress, skimming her breasts against the warmth of his skin. It scared her how mad and desperate she craved him. She tried to play it off as a need to remain safe, but she'd be lying to herself.

  Away from him, she was miserable, as if she'd lost all direction. She inhaled through her nose swiftly, overcome with desperation to stay by his side. Raul pulled away and frowned.

  Going down on one knee on the mattress, he said, "You're worried."

  "Can't you stay with me today?" She let her body sink into the mattress. "Let the other guys take the run without you."

  He pushed off the bed. "You know better than to ask or come between me and club business."

  She watched him move across the bedroom naked. The sight of his tight ass, meaty and squeezable, put her into a bad mood. Her attitude shifted at his tone. She hated and loved the firmness of the rules. Lived for them, really.

  Something deep inside of her needed the discipline, the structure, the knowledge that she was accountable to someone for how she behaved. She'd rebelled against that same kind of structure growing up until her stubbornness divided her from her family. Why she wanted the rules in her life now made her question her sanity. Maybe if she'd listened, conformed, and followed the tight upbringing demanded of her, she wouldn't be in the predicament she was in right now.

  All the years of depending on herself had her continually fighting to rebel against every person and thing. She worked her lips in worry. She recognized her moods and attitude enough to know when she was spinning out of control. That's why she was irritated that he was going on a run. They hadn't talked about what happened at last night's meeting or if he'd come up with a new plan.

  She wanted to tell him about Tango and the accusations he'd made. Raul would know if there was any talk going on about her, but he hadn't said anything. The openness and honesty they'd created in their relationship befo
re they broke up never returned. Something kept Raul from trusting her. She needed more than the official 'my woman' stamped on her. It was as if they had to start from the beginning all over again, and she wasn't sure how to do that now that they had more problems between them.

  They couldn't live off good sex alone.

  Raul walked out of the bathroom. He tossed the towel he'd hung over his head to the floor, still half covered with droplets of water, and glanced at her. "Going back to sleep?"

  "No." She pulled the sheet around her body and walked over to him. "Can we talk before you leave?"

  "No time." He picked up a T-shirt off the dresser top, held it to his nose, and then pulled it over his head. "Not sure I like the talkative Crystal."

  She came up short. "What's that mean?"

  "Means what it means. If you need to talk, you can do it when I get back. In the meantime, stay on club property. You'll be safe. I've posted Luke and Nick outside until we ride in. If you need someone, let the prospects know and they'll get help. Nichols, Charlie, and Layrd will remain at the club," he said

  "Fine." She remained beside him.

  He put on his jeans, grabbed his vest, and turned around looking for the chair. "I'll bring another chair up when I get back too."

  Raul carried his boots and socks to the bed and sat on the edge. She dropped the sheet, stepped toward him, and kneeled at his feet. When he put on his socks and slipped into his black, heavy boots, she laced them for him.

  After finishing his left boot, she glanced up at him. "Is Tango riding with you today?"

  "Yeah." His gaze narrowed. "Why?"

  She shrugged. "No reason."

  "Jesus, Crystal…spit it out."

  She sat back on her ankles. "He's one of the guys involved in the same shit that Ethan was."

  Raul waited for her to pull his jeans over his boots. She pushed to her feet and continued. "Last night, he hinted that everyone thinks I set up Ethan. I need to know what happened to him, and how I was linked into the business he had going on the side. I know I should've left him once I knew he was in deep shit, and when that deal I was telling you about went down, I did take off and leave him. I wasn't going back the night I contacted Rain. I was going to hide out."

  "Where were you planning on going?" he asked, standing.

  She wrinkled her nose. "I don't know. I hadn't planned that far in advance. A motel, I guess."

  "You had money on you?" He walked passed her and picked up his wallet, hooking the chain to his belt loop.

  "Yeah, about a hundred bucks. That's all I had left of the money you gave me when you—"

  A whistle went off downstairs.

  "Shit. I need to go." Raul stalked toward her, kissed her hard, and held her firmly in place with his hand threaded through the back of her hair. "Don't share your story or suspicions to anyone. Not with any of the girls or the men if they ask. You hear me?"

  She nodded. "We need to—"

  "We will." He kissed her again, softening his lips. "It'll wait, and I'll be the one who handles everything. When I get back, I'll also fill your pocket. You never have to feel like you can't be safe or have nowhere to go because you lack the money to see after yourself. Okay?"

  "Okay," she whispered, relaxing a little.

  He moved away, picked up an empty backpack, and walked out the door without looking back at her. She clasped her hands together, giving in to the stress of the situation. She'd follow his rules and not ask anyone about Ethan, but she was going to find out what had happened during the time she was gone and to do that, she needed to go join the others.

  An hour later, showered, dressed and her stomach rumbling for food, Crystal walked downstairs. She smiled at Layrd, Charlie, and old man Nichols—who had enough seniority to choose which run to go on, since his knees were shot and caused him problems. She suspected Raul left the other two behind to hold down the club in case any of the riders called and needed help. They all stopped what they were talking about to watch her walk through the room.

  She rolled her eyes as she swung through the door of the kitchen. Bikers never hid their ogling, even when the women belonged to one of the members. Raul, who demanded no one touch her, permitted his brothers to look and seemed almost proud to have her around the other guys when they were all together.

  To her disappointment, the kitchen was empty. She'd hoped to find one of the other women around and catch up on what she'd missed by being gone.

  She relaxed and headed toward the fridge. She removed the milk, found a box of cereal, and set about making her breakfast. As she chewed her first bite, she thought of what she could do to make some money for herself. Raul wanted her beside him last time they were together, but she liked having her own independence too.

  The lesson she'd learned when finding herself all alone taught her that she couldn't predict the future. She trailed her spoon in the milk. No matter what Raul said, a biker's bitch only took one thing for granted. As long as her man was happy, she had a place to stay.

  That security could change at any moment. There were no guarantees that she had anything that resembled a long-term relationship on the horizon. Not all the wishes in the world would give her the refuge she needed in knowing Raul would keep her past tomorrow or next week.

  "Crystal!" A man's voice bellowed from the other room.

  She slid off the stool. "Coming!"

  In a rush to find out what the guys needed her for, she drained the leftover cereal in her bowl down the garbage disposal, rinsed the dish, and put it in the dishwasher before hurrying out of the kitchen. Old man Nichols lumbered toward her holding a cell phone in his hand.

  "It's Prez. He wants to talk to you." Nichols stopped, leaning his weight onto one leg and groaning.

  "Thanks." She put the phone to her ear and walked to the other side of the room to talk in private. "Hey, baby."

  "Where are you?" Raul asked.

  "The club." She glanced behind her at the other guys who were studying her. "Downstairs. I came to the kitchen to get something to eat when Nichols gave me the phone."

  "Yes or no…is Charlie there?"

  She pressed the phone harder against her ear and lowered her voice. "Yeah."

  "Good." He blew out his breath. "I need you to do me a favor."

  Pleased that whatever he was originally wondering about was okay, and she hadn't done something to piss him off already, she was willing to do anything. "Sure."

  "You're going to hand the phone to Charlie and tell him I want to speak with him. Then you're going to do whatever he tells you to do once he's done talking with me. I know you want to stay close to the club with everything going on, but I need to get you away from everyone for a few hours," he said.

  "No, please," she whispered, shaking her head. "I'll stay in our room."

  "Quiet." He paused. "Remember how you used to fight me when I picked you up and took you upstairs?"

  She chewed on her lip remembering. "After you let me think we were alone, but the guys were watching me practically dancing on your lap during a rally?"

  "Right." Raul's voice softened. "I need everyone to believe you're angry over what I'm going to have Charlie do to you. Throw a Goddamn fit and fight him if you want, but make it believable. I don't even want Charlie to know you're going to go along with his orders. This is the one time I need you to act like a bitch."

  "Why?"

  "To keep you safe, mi vida." Static came over the line and he spoke louder. "The men are revving their engines. I need to go. Give the phone to Charlie, and Crystal…do this for me."

  She puffed her cheeks out and blew out the air. "Fine. It's not like I don't know how to create drama around here."

  "Good girl. Now let me talk to Charlie," he said.

  She dropped the hand holding the phone to her side and crossed the room. She thrust the phone at Charlie. "Raul wants to talk to you."

  Her hand shook, and she jerked away from him before Charlie could touch her. She crossed her arms, cupping her
elbows, and walked away from the men. She trusted no one, but Raul was the only one who was willing to protect her.

  Raul might believe that all the men riding for the Lagsturns had his back, but she knew differently. Tango worked with Ethan, and Ethan wasn't even a member of the MC. He'd tried to worm his way into doing the clubs dirty work, but he was useless in fighting or guarding the riders as they made their runs. How many more members would go against their president?

  She put her back to the kitchen door to catch another glimpse of Charlie still on the phone, and pushed her way into the room. Inside, out of view of the others, she inhaled a deep breath. The drugs Ethan had been involved in were not the same kind of business the Lagsturns normally did. She was positive of that.

  Rumors were the Lagsturns oversaw a chop shop.

  Raul was thick into jacking. Whole cars they called cages. The older, the better, and the more money he'd make on expensive parts that brought a high price on the market. One time, he'd admitted to providing to the sellers. Everyone had their hand in the pot to defend their investment.

  Stealing other people's luxurious belongings wasn't something she agreed with at all. But, she pushed the illegal activities out of her mind like the way she did everything else that affected her.

  The door swished open. She whirled around.

  "You need to come with me." Charlie shoved the phone into his back pocket.

  She shook her head. "I have things to do today. Have you seen Raul's room? It smells like a bitch died under the bed. If I'm going to get any sleep tonight, I'm going to douche the whole upstairs to get rid of the stench."

  "Prez's orders." Charlie motioned her over. "Let's go."

  "Where? I just talked to him. He didn't say anything to me about going with you." She straightened her shoulders. "Until I hear from him that he wants me to do something differently than I planned, I'm staying right here…orders or not."

  She walked toward the door and hesitated when Charlie refused to move out of her way. She rolled her eyes and nudged him with her shoulder as she squeezed beside him. He hooked her waist, and she kicked out as she left the floor.