by Conley, Anne
“Yeah, women know how to cook without a barbecue pit.”
“So what’s the occasion?”
“I’m buttering you up for a difficult conversation.” Her admission was plain. He could tell by the look on her face that it wasn’t a joke. Suddenly, he wasn’t hungry.
“What?”
She took a sip of water before speaking again. “Well, you know I can’t have children.”
He watched her, trying to figure out how she wanted him to respond. When she didn’t say anything else right away, he reached for her hand and clasped it gently across the table.
“I know that, yes.”
“So…any future with me won’t involve big families and the happily ever after that most people expect.” Her eyes had fallen to her lap, and Brent leaned over to pull her chin up with a finger.
“Casey.” He was at a loss. “I don’t know what exactly to say to make you feel better about that. I can’t begin to understand what it’s like to lose babies like you’ve done.” He watched her swallow thickly and realized that she was near tears. His meal forgotten, he scooted his chair closer to hers and pulled her into his arms. “I love you Casey. You’re all I want. If we can’t have children, then we won’t. Simple as that. I don’t need kids to be happy with you.”
“How do you know that’s what you’d be happy with ten years down the road?” Her whispered voice tugged at the tendrils of something primal and protective inside himself.
“Then if you want to, we’ll adopt children.” When she lifted her gaze to his, he saw hope in her eyes. “If they’ll let a couple of fifty year old geezers adopt kids, that is.” There was that smile he wanted to see.
“I will only be forty-five.” He could tell the indignant tone was forced, but he took it, because it was accompanied by a smile.
“And I’ll only be forty-eight. We’ll still have a good many years ahead of us, Case.” He bent to kiss the tip of her nose. “I love you. This isn’t a bad thing, not the way you’re thinking.”
“It’s just that…I sort of lied to you. I told you I can’t get pregnant, when obviously I can. I just can’t seem to keep the babies.” Her eyes glazed over, unfocused. Brent saw her go someplace deep inside herself, reliving memories.
“I’m sorry.” He’d been so caught up in the idea of Casey that he’d never really stopped to think about what miscarrying had done to her emotionally. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“Do you?”
“Why wouldn’t I? It’s a big part of who you are, and I want to know everything.”
She nodded, her gaze still unfocused. “Well, apparently, miscarriages are more common that you’d think. As soon as I had my first one, every woman I knew practically, told me stories of their own, hoping to make me feel better. They all ended with ‘it was God’s way of terminating a difficult pregnancy. You’re better off this way.’” Casey’s eyes focused on him, finally. “You have no idea how frustrated that made me. If miscarriages are so common, why can’t they fix them?” She noticed his plate across the table. “Eat. You’re dinner’s getting cold.”
Dutifully, he scooted his chair back around the table and made a show of cutting off another piece of steak and chewing attentively. It didn’t taste as good as it had before. He nodded for her to continue.
“The first one was pretty bad. The first ultrasound didn’t show a viable fetus, and they told me to expect a heavy period soon. I was disappointed, but it was relatively early in our quest for a happy family, so we waited for the heavy period so we could try again.” She stopped talking, and Brent stopped chewing. He waited for her to continue, trying to be silent and supportive. This was something he guessed she hadn’t talked about with anyone else.
“I spent Christmas Eve in the emergency room at the hospital in Dallas. We were visiting his family for the holidays, and it had been several days since the ultrasound. I wasn’t expecting it to fill my pad in twenty minutes, then his grandma’s adult diaper in the next hour. By the time we got to the hospital, my cramps were so bad, I thought I was passing my intestines. I walked in the emergency room doors, dripping blood, looking like something out of a b-grade horror movie.”
She sat silently for a moment, her eyes unfocused, re-living the memory. Brent stilled himself, desperately wanting to hold her, to comfort her, but he let her continue. “His family was disappointed that we couldn’t stay for dinner.”
Her unfocused gaze was on her water glass, as she traced shapes in the condensation. He felt helpless, so he put a bite of baked potato in his mouth, feeling the starchy glueyness stick to the roof of his mouth. He managed to swallow it with some water. Unable to even pretend to eat anymore, he pushed his plate back and listened.
“The next one wasn’t so bad. It was still horrific, in that it was another lost baby, but the spotting took me straight to my doctor’s office, where he did an emergency D and C.” She looked up at him. “It’s like an abortion, only it’s not. Because it’s after the uterus has rejected the fetus. But it’s the same procedure, practically.” She took a sip of her water before giving up and pushing her plate away, not hungry anymore either. Casey felt awful as she looked over at his plate. “I’m sorry, this probably wasn’t the best plan…Discussing this over dinner. More appropriate for afterwards…”
“Go on. We can eat anytime.” He didn’t want to stop her. Not now.
“The other two were like the second one. Simple, painless, minimal blood.” Casey was playing with her fork now, still not looking at Brent. “I spotted around ten weeks into the pregnancy, and that was the only clue I needed.” Her eyes searched his out, finally. She continued, her voice detached, clinical. “See, spotting at times is a normal symptom, but when the blood is brown, that signifies that it’s old blood. That the baby’s been dead inside of me for a while.” Her gaze dropped again. “That was one of the reasons I decided to sell the house in Houston. I’d planted a tree for each dead baby. And my yard was getting too full.” She looked out the window. “Yards in the city aren’t this big.”
She was quiet for several minutes, and Brent didn’t know how to fill the silence. To know that she’d been through all that, four times, and her husband hadn’t tried to reassure her, make her feel better about herself, hurt him in ways he couldn’t explain. He wanted to hold her, but sometime during her recitation, she’d drawn into herself, built a wall up around her. Her dispassionate telling of the experiences, like she was an observer, not a participant, made his heart ache.
“Is there anything I can do?” He finally asked softly. It wasn’t what he wanted to ask. He wanted to know why in the hell she had stayed with that son of a bitch for so long. His voice broke through her haze, and her eyes jerked up to his, as if she’d just realized she wasn’t alone. They softened on him and she shook her head.
He stood and walked over to her, lifting her in his arms. She wasn’t a small woman, but right now, she felt fragile in his arms. He held her and stroked her hair.
“I don’t think any less of you, Casey. None of that’s your fault. You know that, don’t you?”
She didn’t answer him, but her arms slowly snaked around his torso and squeezed him hard. It was as if she was seeking out his strength. And he would give it all to her. He would give her everything.
“So, since we haven’t used condoms, could it happen again?” She nodded. He wasn’t mad, he just didn’t understand. “Why? Why would you let me do that to you?”
She lifted her face to his, and he saw the silent tears stream down her face. “Because I was caught up in the moment. I was fulfilling fantasies.” She lowered her head to his chest, burying her face from his view. She mumbled something he couldn’t hear, and he lifted her chin again.
“What?”
She took a couple of steps back, putting distance between them and wrung her hands together. “Because I’ve always wanted your baby, Brent. Something inside me was always mourning the loss of the babies because they were babies. But something evil inside
me was glad they didn’t live, because they weren’t yours. I spent my entire married life wishing. Wishing Kevin was you and I was having your baby.”
Brent took one long stride and encased her back in his arms, where she belonged. “I love you so much, Casey.” She clutched his shirt, painfully grabbing some skin in her desperate grasp, but he ignored the pain. Soon enough it would be a memory, but he and Casey would always be real. “If you have another one, you won’t have to go through it alone. You know that don’t you? I’ll be holding your hand the entire way.” She was sobbing now, and he let her, as much as he hated to hear her so sad. Brent had never heard her cry like this before. He could tell this was some catharsis she was going through, and he could only hope it was a healing one.
When she was finished, he pulled her back and looked at her face. She was focused again, and that was good. “Are you okay?”
She sniffed and nodded, looking over at the table. “I suppose I ruined supper.”
“It’s okay. As long as you feel better for talking about it.”
“Yeah. I do. I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone all of that before.”
“Was that the talk you had planned?”
She nodded, sniffling loudly. “Not exactly like that, though. I’m sorry for dumping on you.”
“You can tell me anything, and I won’t think less of you.” He used his thumbs to wipe the tears still tracking down her face.
“Thank you for that.”
He kissed the top of her head, “Let me take a shower, and we can watch a movie if you want. You pick.”
Her face lit up. “I already had one picked out for tonight.”
“Great, I’ll be right back.”
In the shower, Brent scrubbed away the day’s dirt while he contemplated Casey’s story. If he’d been around her when any of those things had happened, he would have done the same thing he’d done tonight. He had the idea that she’d never cried in anyone’s arms but his. As sad as that was, it gave him a considerable measure of pride. And more proof she was his.
But her words echoed in his head, “But something evil inside me was glad they didn’t live, because they weren’t yours. I spent my entire married life wishing. Wishing Kevin was you and I was having your baby.”
Brent wasn’t about to lie to himself and pretend that he wasn’t glad she hadn’t been able to keep Kevin’s babies either. From everything he’d heard about the guy, he was a grade A prick. Even if he hadn’t been, would he really want to raise some other man’s kid? He’d like to think he was a bigger man, but he honestly couldn’t be positive about that. Even if it was Casey. Especially if it was Casey.
He’d honestly never imagined himself having kids. He never really imagined himself married for that matter, but when he was around Casey, he couldn’t not imagine spending the rest of his life with her. If that involved their children, he was happy with that. Kids were something he’d never thought about, so he was definitely okay without them. But he didn’t want it to be a constant sore spot for her. If it made her as sad as it did tonight, he didn’t know what he would do. He couldn’t see her like this too often; he’d already seen it enough.
He said a silent prayer that he could be everything she needed in a man, before shutting off the shower nozzle and drying himself with a towel.
He would do anything for Casey. Adopt, plant trees, whatever she wanted. He would do it, happily. Especially if it made her smile. When she smiled, all was right in his world.
Wrapped in his towel, he went into his room to find some pajama bottoms to wear while they watched the movie. She usually picked some romance that made him cry. It was embarrassing that he got so emotional over some of the movies she picked. There was something about the idea of true love overcoming obstacles to find its happily ever after that struck a chord with him.
Casey’s mood had changed drastically by the time he’d come into the living room. She handed him his plate, re-heated in the microwave, and plopped down on the couch next to him, an eager smile on her face.
“What are we watching tonight?” He didn’t really care, as long as she sat next to him, nestled under his arm.
“Spirit.”
“What’s that?”
“Disney.”
He rolled his eyes at her. “A cartoon?”
“It’s about the wild mustangs in the frontier West. You’ll love it. You’ll cry like a baby. I always do.”
He quirked an eyebrow at her. She never cried at movies, choosing instead to make fun of him. If he didn’t know her better, he’d say she had a heart of stone. “This, I’ve got to see.”
Casey nestled contentedly under Brent’s arm while he finished eating his food. She was upset that dinner hadn’t been enjoyed, but she felt immensely better about having told him everything. He’d made her feel better about her ‘woman problems’ as Kevin liked to refer to her inability to carry a child. Casey knew now that this would be something that wouldn’t drive them apart. If anything, she felt even closer to Brent for telling him.
She’d picked out this movie because of its message, and the fact that it was all about the spirit of horses. Casey was confident that not only would Brent not have seen it, but that he would love it.
Sure enough, she caught him sniffling early on in the movie, and by the time it was over with, he’d given up trying to hide his own tears. She always teared up herself, so they both laughed through their tears when they looked over and caught each other crying.
He wiped his eyes unabashedly, and said, “I knew you weren’t completely heartless,” before taking her in a bear hug.
“Yup. This one gets me every time,” she confessed.
“Why?” He was still wiping his eyes and looking around. She handed over the box of tissues she’d been hoarding and he accepted it.
“The indomitable spirit of the stallion to stay free. He does whatever it takes to cast off the chains that man keeps trying to put over him.”
“Do you see yourself like that?”
“No, but I see you like that. I’ve been thinking about this movie since you told me your story.” She could see she’d touched him, as he sniffed again before blowing his nose into a tissue.
“That’s why I love you,” he finally said, quietly.
“Why?”
His hand snaked to her shoulder, fingering a tendril of hair. “Because you always see the best in people.” He looked at her squarely, his face suddenly serious, and devoid of tears. Slowly, he leaned towards her, and she felt the tremble in his breath, as he slid his warm lips over hers.
He kissed her softly, a kiss full of passion, of need, of promise. Slowly his warm tongue swept into her mouth, and Casey felt a fullness in her psyche, a sense of belonging. Brent’s arms came around her back, pulling her closer as he deepened the kiss, yet keeping it soft. She yielded to his mouth, allowing it to make tender love to hers as he laid her back on the couch and slowly undressed her. Without realizing exactly how it happened, he was making love to her tenderly, their bodies joining slowly. She never left the comfort of his arms, as their bodies rocked together as one unit, climbing the mountain of pleasure and then throwing themselves off together to crash back down to earth.
She had never imagined sex could be anything like it was with Brent. The way she lost herself in the passion had never happened to her before. She’d always been conscious of something else in her life. There’d always been something in the back of her mind, niggling at her while she and Kevin had been together, whether it was bills, an upcoming event, or dishes in the sink. But with Brent, nothing else mattered except the two of them. Nothing.
Chapter 24
One afternoon, Casey was watching Lindsey and Brent discuss the horses. Brent kept sending her sideways glances, and she really wished she could hear the conversation. The set of his shoulders showed a tension radiating off his body, and Casey wanted to go comfort him.
The horses in the main barn were all sick, and he couldn’t get them to eat. He thou
ght it might be colic, as they were rolling around on the ground, but his standard remedies weren’t working. Not even with the Colonel, who had an iron stomach. He’d called the vet, who came willingly, but to her credit, hadn’t made any moves on Brent. Yet. Although, from the porch, Casey could see the woman continue to look her way, as if making sure Casey was still there. She was probably waiting for her to leave before she threw herself at Brent again.
Brent had told Casey about Lindsey, and Casey didn’t really care. She knew Brent was hers. Even though it seemed he was mad right now, he wasn’t necessarily mad at her, but she was the one who’d been helping him with the horses feeding times the past week, when they’d gotten sick. He questioned her mercilessly, trying to determine what was wrong with them, before the blood in their stool had showed up.
That’s when he’d called Lindsey.
She was at the sink washing dishes, when Brent’s arms came around her waist and he rested his head on the top of hers. She couldn’t help but close her eyes and lean back into his hard chest, inhaling his scent. He’d just come in from the barn, and the heat of the day emphasized the musky hay smell emanating from his pores. She felt him breathe into her neck, the warmth of his exhale melting her insides.
“Somebody’s trying to poison my horses.” Brent said softly. “I’m fixing to go install a flood light at the barn. There’s ground up glass in their feed and hay. In this barn anyway. Whoever did it, didn’t go to the quarantine barn. Maybe they don’t know about it.”
“Is that what they’ve been eating?” Her mind immediately turned to Kevin. If he’d been following her, watching her, he’d know about Brent. But sneaking in and taking her stuff was one thing. Would he really stoop to poisoning horses?
“I don’t know, but it would explain a lot of things.” He kissed the top of her head. “You sure you didn’t break something out there, and just not pick it up?”
“What the hell, Brent? Like I’d carry a bunch of glass out there, accidentally break it, and leave it for the horses to get in their hooves? I wouldn’t do that! I would know better for one thing, and I would tell you for the next…” Her voice was rising in pitch, but he stopped it with a kiss.
