‘So, what’s in the bags?’ Callum asked, lightening the mood.
‘Ah, yes! I got a bit carried away.’ I jumped up and began unpacking bags, showing Callum the various sleepsuits and outfits I’d bought. I picked up the teddy. ‘And this fella is baby-safe and washable. His name’s Phyllis… or something. Hang on.’ I checked his label. ‘No, it’s Philbin, apparently. Strange name for a bear. You can change it if you want. I’m sure he won’t mind.’ I placed the bear at the end of the cot.
Callum laughed. ‘I’m not going to steal his identity, poor bear. Philbin it is.’ He handed me Luke’s part-empty bottle and held his hand under Luke’s chin while he rubbed his back. Luke released the most enormous belch, making me giggle.
‘Good boy,’ Callum said. ‘Ready for more?’ He popped the bottle back into Luke’s mouth and looked up at me. ‘Shannon’ll be gutted. She wanted to feed him herself but, like, we don’t have much choice.’
At the mention of breastfeeding, a flashback hit me of my own swollen breasts post-birth, and no baby to feed. It suddenly struck me as odd that they hadn’t let me at least give her one feed, but clearly they had other plans for a fake death and ongoing deception. I needed to change the subject before I got wound up with regrets again.
‘What’s she like?’ I asked.
‘Shannon?’ His eyes lit up again. ‘She’s awesome. She’s really brainy. She got 10 A-stars or As in her GCSEs. She had a place at sixth-form but deferred a year when we found out about Luke. She’s a great friend and, like, dead funny. She can go quiet and likes to be on her own when she’s got stuff to think about. She’s ace at giving advice, even if she’s not always good at taking it. She’s feisty and opinionated and, now that I’ve met you, I know where she gets that from.’
‘Feisty and opinionated? Me? What would possess you to say something like that?’
Callum laughed. ‘No idea.’ He removed the bottle from Luke’s mouth. ‘Nice work, Luke. Let’s hear some more burps, then Grandma can change your nappy and dress you in some of those new clothes that don’t smell of hospital.’
He passed me the bottle and manoeuvred Luke into burping position again. ‘Do you mind me calling you “Grandma”?’
‘No. Although, I’d be lying if I said it was going to be easy getting used to it. I do feel a bit young to be a grandmother, but I guess that’s what happens when you have a child young and they have a child young too.’
‘Would you prefer “Clare”?’
I shook my head. ‘It’s not right. It seems vain and as though I’m ashamed of being pregnant so young, which I’m not. Grandma’s fine. As long as Shannon’s okay with it. I’m conscious that she might not want me in her life.’
‘She probably won’t at first, but she’ll go quiet and spend some time thinking about it, then she’ll decide it’s right for her and right for Luke. Anyway, I’m his dad and I want you to stick around. I never had a proper family, like, and neither has Shannon since her dad died. If there are real family members who want to be involved – ones who aren’t into drugs – then I want them to be around Luke.’ He blew his fringe out of his face and wrinkled his nose. ‘You do want to stick around, don’t you?’
‘Of course I do! As I said last night, I’d always hoped I’d see her again when I agreed to the adoption. I never wanted to give her up in the first place. With no money, no home, no family and no education, I didn’t have many options. I thought adoption would be best for her.’
Callum nodded. ‘It probably was. I didn’t know Paul and Christine, but Shannon said they were awesome parents.’
Luke produced a couple of loud belches. ‘Nice ones!’ Callum said. ‘High five!’ He placed his fingertips against Luke’s palm. ‘Let’s give you to Grandma for a change.’
Bollocks. I was going to have to tell him. ‘I feel like a right eejit saying this, Callum, but I don’t know how to hold a baby.’
He frowned. ‘Really?’
‘Yes. Really.’
‘You’ve never held a baby before?’
‘Never.’
‘You don’t have friends or family with babies?’
‘No! Why’s that so hard to believe? I don’t have any family. Actually, I have my big sister Aisling now, but her kids are school-age. I wasn’t in contact when they were babies. I don’t have a huge circle of friends and none of them have had kids yet. My friend Elise is pregnant, so I guess I’ll hold hers at some point, but I genuinely haven’t held a baby since Shannon was born. Back then, a midwife placed her in my arms but whisked her away minutes later saying…’ My voice caught in my throat, and tears filled my eyes. ‘Anyway, I don’t know what to do. Can I watch you instead?’
‘Slight problem with that plan.’ He jerked his thumb towards the crutches behind him. ‘You’ll have to do it. Don’t look so scared.’
‘What if I drop him?’
‘We’ll just have to hope he bounces.’ Callum laughed. ‘I am joking, you know. How about you get out everything you need and then I’ll pass Luke to you?’
‘You don’t think we should call Nurse Kelly instead?’
‘Oh dear, Luke, looks like Grandma is a fraidy cat. She’s scared of a six-pound, three-ounce baby.’
‘I’m not scared of him. I’m just scared of… Okay, you’ve made your point. What do I need?’
How hard was it to remove a baby from his clothes, change a nappy and re-dress him? Jesus! How was it that I could negotiate incredibly tough business deals with stroppy chief execs and instigate challenging recovery plans when a client had experienced a PR disaster, yet I couldn’t remove a baby’s arm from a sleeve?
‘I don’t think he’s had a dump, so you’ve got it easy with your first change,’ Callum said.
‘Easy? There’s nothing easy about any of this.’ I wiped the sweat off my brow with the back of my hand.
He laughed. ‘It’ll get easier. I promise. Oh, and you might want to…’
I screamed and stepped back, spluttering, as a flow of warm urine spattered across my face and down my white shirt.
‘Oops! Too late.’
I grabbed at the sleepsuit that I’d removed, wiped my face and dabbed helplessly at my top. ‘Did he do that deliberately?’
‘It often happens when baby boys are exposed to the air. I was about to say that you might want to put a tissue over him, just in case. Sorry.’
‘You’re sure it wasn’t a dirty protest for my incompetence?’
‘I’m sure.’
I turned back to Luke. ‘Right, you! Listen and listen good! When you’re older and you bring girlfriends home, I’m going to be telling them all about how you peed on your grandma the second time she met you. You’ll pay for this, young man. You mark my words. This’ll come back to haunt you, so it will.’
Callum laughed. ‘If it’s any consolation, it happened to me, like, the first time I changed a boy’s nappy. Think of it as Luke marking his territory. You’re now officially his property.’
When I’d finally sorted everything out, I was able to sit down and have a cuddle. It was my first opportunity to relax and properly look at my grandson. As I stroked his chubby cheeks and bald head, an overwhelming sensation of love and protectiveness enveloped me, just as it had that first time I’d held Shannon. Tears rushed to my eyes, and my throat tightened.
‘It’s pretty special, isn’t it?’ Callum said.
I nodded, not daring to speak.
‘You said you got to hold Shannon?’
A couple of tears sprang loose as a feeling of déjà vu hit me. ‘Only for a few minutes before they took her away.’
‘Must have been rough.’
‘It was, but I managed to hold it together, convincing myself that she had a far better life ahead of her than I could give her. Then they told me she’d died. I lost the plot at that point.’ I took a deep breath, shuddering agai
n at the memory of that horrendous moment. I’d cried pretty much solidly for a fortnight. Great-Aunt Nuala told me to toughen up and accept my penance at first, then she got worried and called the doctor, who prescribed some happy pills. I didn’t need tablets; I needed my baby. Disgusted by their lack of understanding, I flushed the tablets away and vowed never to let them see me being weak again. Until I got the letter from Great-Aunt Nuala, that had been the last time I’d cried.
‘How is Shannon?’ I asked. ‘Any improvements?’
‘They reckon there’ve been some, but it’s still too early to bring her round. Luke’ll fall asleep again soon. We’ll go and see her as soon as he does.’
‘Okay.’ I hoped he’d be quick about it. My arm was killing me. My little six-and-a-bit-pound bundle was beginning to feel more like 60-and-a-bit pounds, although I suspected that was my fault for holding him all wrong. I was too scared to adjust him in case I dropped him, though. ‘Tell me more about how the two of you met,’ I said. ‘You said earlier that you met Shannon in a foster home.’
Callum nodded. ‘When her dad died, Shannon was 13. Her mum… adoptive mum… had died three years before. She had no aunties or uncles, like, so she was sent to an emergency foster family – the Hendersons – which was where I was placed. They’re this awesome couple. Completely bonkers. They couldn’t have kids of their own so they started fostering. She’d inherited the family business – a large guesthouse on the outskirts of Northampton – and quite a lot of money, so they ran it as a sort of children’s home.
‘I’ll never forget the first day I saw Shannon. I’d been with the Hendersons for a couple of years and, as the longest-standing foster kid, I was always the one who welcomed newbies and helped them settle in. I got home from school one day and Mrs Henderson told me that we had a new girl, who’d gone to explore the grounds. I couldn’t find her at first. I was worried she’d, like, done a runner, but I eventually found her in the treehouse talking to two wooden boxes. Turns out they contained the ashes of Paul and Christine. She told me that her dad hadn’t been able to bring himself to say goodbye and scatter her mum’s ashes, and she was glad about that because it meant that she could scatter them together. I asked her if she was going to do that now, but she said she wanted their ashes to be scattered somewhere where they could always be with her. She knew her stay with the Hendersons was temporary. They were already committed to two brothers moving in a fortnight later so they didn’t have space to keep her. She said that she’d probably go to loads of different foster families, but she had a plan. She was going to…’
‘She was going to what?’ I asked, when Callum stopped and looked away.
‘She was going to contact her real mum and hopefully go to live with her.’ He grimaced. ‘Sorry. I’m not saying that to have a dig.’
‘It’s grand,’ I said brightly, my stomach twisting with guilt. ‘Go on.’
‘Well, as you now know, she wrote loads of letters to you but heard nothing back at first. She did move around a lot, but she was really positive about it because she was convinced she’d find her birth mum and they’d live happily ever after together. Sorry. Again, that’s not a dig. Anyway, we became, like, best mates and often met up on weekends. She was so much fun and nothing seemed to get her down. She threw herself into everything she did: schoolwork, friendships, dance classes, learning the guitar. I struggled at school so she helped me with my maths and science. She taught me to play the guitar, although I refused to let her teach me ballet!’ He paused and smiled. ‘Didn’t think a pink tutu was quite the look for me, like. Anyway, I found myself wanting to be with her all the time and I soon realised I wanted to be more than friends. I’d never had a girlfriend before, and I had no idea whether she felt the same way about me, so I kept quiet.
‘When you wrote to her and said you wanted nothing to do with her… or at least when we thought it was you who’d written… she was gutted. It was like someone had taken a fire extinguisher and put out her spark. She’d moved to yet another foster family that week and claimed that nobody loved her or wanted her in their lives. I told her that I did. She said I was only saying that because we were friends and that I only needed her in my life to get through my GCSEs and would dump her after that. I had a go at her, telling her exactly how I felt about her. She had a go back at me, asking why the hell I hadn’t said anything before then, because she felt exactly the same way and hadn’t dared make the first move. We were inseparable after that.
‘I passed my GCSEs, thanks to her, and I started a plumbing apprenticeship. I wouldn’t have had the courage to apply if it hadn’t been for Shannon, but she’s one of these people who believe you can achieve anything. She says the only barriers you face are the ones you put up for yourself.’
I felt a surge of pride in my daughter, who sounded wise beyond her years.
‘When we found out about Luke, she was so excited. We’d talked about getting married and having kids at some point. It was earlier than expected, but she prayed about it and said it was God’s plan that we have children sooner.’
I felt my pulse race and my stomach churn again. ‘She prayed about it?’
‘We both did.’
‘You’re Catholics?’ I was aware that I was saying the words through gritted teeth, but I couldn’t help it.
‘Shannon is, and I’m a Methodist.’
Of course she was. As if Great-Aunt Nuala and Da would allow her to be placed with a family who weren’t practising Catholics. Great. Just great.
‘Our faith was one of the many things that united us,’ Callum continued. ‘And I have to say, I don’t know how I’d have got through the past few days without God’s love and support.’
‘Luke’s asleep,’ I said, relieved of the opportunity to shift the subject away from religion. ‘Will I put him in his cot?’
I somehow managed to lay Luke in his cot without waking him up. Miracle. I shoved the shopping bags in the cupboard before reaching for my coat and bag. ‘Will we go in to see Shannon now?’
‘In a minute. There’s something I need to ask you first. Actually, it’s something I’d like you to do for Luke and me, if you can.’
‘Okay.’
‘You might want to sit down for this one.’
My stomach twisted again. I sensed that a request for something a little more significant than shopping for nappies and sleepsuits was on its way. ‘O-kay.’
‘I don’t think it’s fair on a healthy baby like Luke to be stuck in hospital. I’d like you to look after him.’
Chapter 23
‘You’re sure he wasn’t winding you up?’ Ben took another slurp of his coffee and pulled his duvet more tightly around his body as he curled up on one end of his sofa. I felt a bit guilty. After lying awake all night worrying about Shannon and thinking about Callum’s proposition, I thought I’d been generous in waiting until nine before banging on Ben’s door, instead of turning up at six like I’d wanted to. With everything that had happened, I’d forgotten about his nightshift at the Samaritans. I offered to come back later, but he insisted I come in and spill the beans.
I shook my head. ‘No. He was deadly serious. I understand his logic. Shannon’s incapacitated and, even when she awakes, she’s likely to have weeks, if not months, of recovery ahead of her. He can’t do much on his crutches. Apparently, he’s also got a couple of cracked ribs so he’s on strong painkillers. Meanwhile, poor Luke has started his life stuck in hospital, with limited human contact.’
‘How did you leave it with him?’
‘That I’d think about it. Seriously, Ben, I did not see that one coming. I don’t know what to do, which, as you know, is very rare for me.’
Ben smiled. ‘Rare? I’d suggest non-existent! Okay, let’s start with the basics. What stopped you from saying yes immediately?’
‘Only a-trillion-and-seven things.’ I started counting them off on my fingers. ‘One:
I have no idea what to do with a baby. Couldn’t even change a nappy yesterday. Two: I have a full-time job with frequent travel. Three: I rent a one-bedroom apartment with a “no children or pets” policy. Four: Shannon might not like it. Plus a-trillion-and-three other things. Stop laughing at me.’
Ben put his mug down on the carpet. ‘Sorry. It’s just that you’re so cute when you get all stressed like this.’
‘Cute?’ I threw a cushion at him. ‘Kittens are cute. Babies are cute… sometimes. I’m not.’ I looked around for something else to throw.
‘I concede!’ Ben raised his hands in the air. ‘Cute might have been the wrong choice of adjective. It’s just that you’re normally so in control and it’s reassuring to see that you occasionally have vulnerable, clueless moments like the rest of us.’
‘You should have seen me in the hospital with Luke yesterday. Jesus, was that a picture of clueless vulnerability or what?’
Shrugging the duvet off, Ben reached for his mug and stood up. ‘Sorry, I need a top-up. You?’
I shook my head. ‘Still on this one.’
He returned a few minutes later with another drink. ‘Where were we? Oh yes, a-trillion-and-seven reasons not to say yes immediately. Let’s just ignore all those issues for the moment. What’s your gut feeling? What do you want to do?’
‘I want to be looking after Luke. Of course I do! He’s my grandson. But—’
‘Don’t revert to the objections yet. Let’s focus on the positives. That was a pretty strong declaration that you want to do it. Aside from the fact that he’s your flesh and blood, why do you want to look after Luke?’
I took a swig of my coffee as I thought for a moment. ‘Because I missed out on looking after Shannon when she was a baby. This would be like getting a second chance. I want to do it for me, and I want to do it for Shannon.’
‘Then you should do it. I’m not sure about the trillion-and-three objections you didn’t list, but we can definitely overcome the four you did.’
Dreaming About Daran (Whitsborough BayTrilogy Book 3) Page 14
