by A. J. Markam
That was when I stepped out from behind Soraiya.
He bolted upright in bed as soon as he saw me. His black, beady little eyes couldn’t really get any bigger, but his hairless brows shot up in surprise.
“Hi Dorp,” I said shyly.
He didn’t say anything back. He just stared.
“We caught this human on the outskirts of camp,” Soraiya announced coldly, playing her bitch part to a T. “He says that he knows you, and that he has important information for you. I thought I would bring him by before I took him to Orlo to be executed.”
Dorp just sat there on the bed, shocked into complete silence.
Soraiya paused uneasily. “Do you know him?”
Dorp nodded a tiny bit.
“All right, go ahead,” Soraiya said to me. “Say what you have to say.”
I opened my mouth to speak, but before I could get the words out, Dorp started screaming bloody murder.
“GENERAL KRORT, GENRAL KRORT, HELP!”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” I said to Dorp, waving my hands in the air. “I’m here to apologize, man!”
Dorp paused for about three seconds – then started screaming again.
“GENERAL KRORT, GENERAL KRORT, GET IN HERE!”
Soraiya sighed. “That went well,” she murmured.
The flaps of the tent ripped open and a small entourage of orcs burst in. Half a dozen guards flanked a massive orc in spiked iron plate armor with scars across his face. A smaller, hunchbacked orc followed along behind him, carrying an iron box about a foot wide.
“By Krallok’s crown, what is the cause of this uproar?” the biggest orc thundered.
Dorp pointed at me savagely. “General Krort, I want this human thrown in jail!” he said in his breathy, wimpy, sad-sack little voice.
“Jail?” Krort snorted. “This is an Orcish military camp. There is no jail. We can flay him alive, though, if he has offended you.”
Jesus, flaying people seem to be a popular trend.
“Dorp, I came here to say that I’m sorry for how I treated you!” I said hurriedly.
Every single orc in the room looked at me like I was utterly insane.
“What did you just say?” Krort asked in shock.
I glanced over at him, then back at Dorp. “I came here to apologize.”
There was a second’s pause – after which all the orcs burst out into raucous laughter.
“What a fool!” Krort howled to his buddies. “Even for a human, he is enormously stupid!”
Soraiya just closed her eyes and grimaced.
I ignored them and focused on Dorp. “I came here to say that I know I was a terrible master. I used you, and what I said to you in Exardus was inexcusable. And I’m really, really sorry.”
Krort scowled. “This man was your master?! You were a slave?!”
Dorp looked panicked. “No – no, he lies!”
Oh shit – I’d embarrassed him even more. I’d really stepped in it now.
“Uh, master at arms,” I said hastily. “I know I was a bad master at arms. But I want you to know how sorry I – ”
“YOU?!” Krort snorted. “A master at arms?!”
The orc grabbed my arm in his hand, which was the size of a Christmas butterball turkey. My bicep looked like a drinking straw in his grip.
“The only arms I think you could have mastered were gnome-sized!” Krort roared,
and all the orcs burst into laughter once again.
A familiar, nasal voice rang throughout the tent.
“I don’t appreciate the disparaging comments about my race, General Krort!” Orlo said as he waddled into the room. “What in the world was so important that you had to interrupt our negotiations to – YOU!”
Orlo stopped in his tracks and stared as he caught sight of me, then burst out laughing.
“Oh my, this is just too much!”
Krort looked down at Orlo in surprise. “You know this human?”
“Yes – he invaded my lair back in Verlandia!”
“And now you’ve brought him into my camp?!” Krort roared.
“I didn’t bring him anywhere – he must have followed me here!” Orlo turned to his succubus. “Soraiya, what is the meaning of this? Did you capture him?!”
“Some Orcish soldiers apprehended him on the edge of camp,” she said, so cool that ice wouldn’t melt in her mouth.
“Then why do you have custody of him?” Krort growled.
“And why didn’t you bring him directly to me?” Orlo fumed.
Soraiya looked meaningfully at Orlo. “Perhaps this is something we could discuss later? In private?”
“Why would you need to discuss it in private?” Krort snarled. “What manner of treachery is this?!”
Orlo stamped his foot angrily as he addressed Soraiya. “You’ve been consorting with the enemy again, haven’t you!”
“Consorting?!” Krort roared. “Your demoness is working with an enemy SPY?!”
Partially because I was pissed at Orlo, and partially because I was more afraid of the orcs, I blurted out, “No, we just fucked.”
Krort and his orcs stared at me in silence –
And then almost pissed themselves with laughter.
Orlo turned bright red and glared at me like he wanted to flay me with a butter knife.
Soraiya turned her head towards me slowly like the little girl out of The Exorcist, and looked like she might just join her boss in the ‘skin removal’ festivities.
Okay, so it probably wasn’t the smartest thing I’d ever said.
But I was caught between a rock and a hard place. Or between an orc and a gnome place, you might say.
If I made Orlo mad, that could have unfortunate consequences, both for me and Soraiya.
If I made the orcs mad, then that could turn out badly, too.
But I was forgetting the most important thing: I had come here for Dorp, and Dorp alone.
I turned back to my demon. “I want you to know that I am sincerely sorry for everything I did. It was wrong of me, and you deserved better. You deserved a lot better.”
Dorp narrowed his beady little eyes at me, but didn’t say anything.
“Well, Blue Priest?” Krort chuckled. “Do you accept this human’s apology?”
Dorp stood there for a long moment in silence.
“No,” he said finally. “No, I don’t.”
My stomach felt like I was on a rollercoaster. “Dorp, these guys – they’re trying to use you just like I did. They don’t care about you – ”
“And you do?!” he snarled in his helium Eeyore voice.
“More than they do! I don’t want you to necessarily go with me, but I want you to be free, not a servant to a bunch of warmongering assholes – ”
It suddenly felt like somebody had clocked me in the head with a ham hock.
When the stars cleared from my eyes I was on the ground, gazing up at Krort and his balled-up fist.
Apparently I’d been bitch-slapped.
“The Blue Priest is an honored member of my army, kvrak,” the general snarled. “You, however, are worm filth. Take him away!”
“No,” Orlo said, “give him to me! I will visit horrors upon him that you cannot even conceive of!”
The general snorted. “It seems you should be more concerned with those in your employ, gnome. You may sell weapons, but it would appear your underlings are selling you out.”
Orlo went scarlet red. “Then give me what you owe me, and let us conclude our business!”
“What, this?” the general taunted, and swept his hand towards the hunchback with the iron box.
Right on cue, the orc opened up the box and revealed a pile of gold coins.
I stumbled to my feet, my eyes wide with amazement.
Those were hundred-gold pieces in there – and there were dozens upon dozens of them. The contents of that box would more than repay whatever I owed Varkus, including the extra bounty that Shyvock had mentioned.
“As I told yo
u before,” Krort snarled, “you don’t get your money until we have an appropriate demonstration of your merchandise’s abilities. And we won’t have that until we march on Wistross, so – ”
At that exact moment, somewhere far out on the plains, came the sound of a war horn.
Krort looked around in surprise, though his expression quickly gave way to bloodlust. “What was that?”
Without waiting for a reply, he barked, “Come with me, Blue Priest! Guards, bring these others as well!”
The orcs grabbed me by my arms and forced me to my feet, then frog-marched both me and Soraiya out of the tent. Orlo waddled along angrily behind us, alternately berating his succubus and complaining about the money due him.
When we got outside, I had to squint my eyes to adjust to the light – and what I saw both terrified and elated me.
Up on top of the ridge above the plains of Mor-El stood a single, shining figure.
Behind her were hundreds of other figures, too far away to distinguish who or what they were.
But I knew.
The cavalry had arrived.
28
I hastily opened my messaging app and was dumbfounded by the hundreds of replies I saw there. All I had time to read were the subject lines, but they were legion.
We’re in!
Hold on, we’re coming!
Be there soon
Don’t start the war without us!
I choked up a little.
My only fear was that Alaria would join them in the fight and that something would happen to her.
General Krort began to laugh.
“Well, gnome, it appears fate has provided you with an opportunity to prove your creations’ worth.” He turned to the camp and bellowed, “TO WAR, BROTHERS – TO WAR!”
All 10,000 orcs roared with one voice as they raised their weapons in the air, then began running as fast as they could towards the distant cliffs.
Krort turned to Orlo. “Of course, if your machines are as powerful as you say, then my men will not even need to fight. Which would be a pity… but it IS what I’m paying you for.”
“What you’ve promised to pay me for,” Orlo said bitterly.
“I will – if you can deliver.”
“Say the word,” Orlo sneered, “and I will unleash mechanized hell upon them!”
“Make it so, gnome.”
Orlo turned towards his war golems and cried out in his nasal voice, “Those of you promised to the orcs – see the invaders up on the ridge? KILL THEM!”
Twelve of the war golems turned and aimed their arm cannons towards the cliffs in the distance. At the same time, multiple surfaces on their bodies began to pop up: hatches on their shoulders, trapdoors on their biceps, and metal irises on their chests.
What came next was a cross between a Civil War bombardment and War of the Worlds.
Their arm cannons all lit up from within, and a mechanical whine began to cycle louder and louder: vrrrr, Vrrrr, VRRrrr, VRRRRRR –
BLAM!
A dozen blasts of yellow light exploded from their arms and hit the figures atop the ridge.
I watched in horror as entire swaths of the cliff – and presumably my friends – exploded. But when the smoke had cleared, I wanted to whoop with joy.
Shimmering forcefields had protected everyone on top of the ridge.
Thank God for Mages.
As war golems paused to recharge their arm cannons, they began to fire missiles from the open hatches on their shoulders.
The air filled with plumes of smoke heading straight for the ridge –
And then all across the top of the mesa, blasts of fire and rays of light shot into the sky. Dozens of missiles exploded harmlessly in the air above the advancing army of orcs.
At the same time, ten-foot-tall walls of ice appeared in front of the group along the ridge, only to be shattered seconds later by the missiles that got through.
“Lackluster, gnome,” Krort sneered. “The interlopers appear to have met your ‘mechanized hell’ with defenses of their own.”
Orlo became furious. “Just wait until the second volley! I’ll slaughter them by the dozens!”
He had just turned back to the war golems when the ground exploded beneath us.
I went flying through a cloud of dirt and grass.
When I landed, I propped myself up on my forearms and looked around.
Krort was prostrate in the dirt.
Orlo had gone flying ass over teakettle.
Dorp was cowering with his head between his knees. His robes had slipped down to his shoulders, exposing his skinny blue ass.
Soraiya was completely disheveled, and every other orc in the group was either on his face or his ass.
Ten feet away, a crater was smoking in the ground.
At first I wondered who amongst my friends on the ridge had been able to deliver that powerful an attack, especially from that far away –
And then I looked at the ranks of war golems, and saw one whose body was pointed towards us rather than towards the ridge.
Grung.
YES!
I flashed him a discreet thumbs up, and he returned it with a metal one carefully hidden by his side.
I only had a few seconds to take advantage of the orcs’ discombobulation, so I yanked the chain from around my neck and took off at a sprint.
In the distance, I saw an amazing sight: highways of ice being cast from the top of the mesa down to the plains, and dozens of figures zipping down the icy incline like children on playground slides.
My friends were about to bring the fight to the army of orcs.
Maybe they could attack them from the front, and Grung and I could attack them from the rear –
Suddenly the world went to hell all around me.
Fire exploded in a line in front of me, racing 200 miles per hour from north to south, cutting me off from the army of orcs far ahead.
One second I was running across grass, and the next I was confronted with a raging firestorm.
I stopped running, terrified by the wall of flames raging just a few yards away –
But something was off.
I couldn’t feel any heat from the fire.
The crackle and roar of the fire was terrifying, yes, but I should have felt like I was being roasted alive.
I didn’t have time to think about that, though, because a figure stumbled out of the flames right in my path.
It was an orc, and his green skin was literally melting off his body, bubbling and sliding off the muscle beneath. The other half of him was in flames, and he screamed at me in agony from out of the ruins of his face.
I backed away in terror, my heart thudding in my chest –
And then I realized what was going on.
Dorp.
Dorp was reaching inside my head and pulling out my greatest fears.
I gritted my teeth and forced myself to run directly at the burning orc.
Within two seconds I had not only passed through him like he was a ghost, but through the wall of flames as well.
You sneaky motherfucker, I commended my former illusion demon.
Now that I was on the other side of Dorp’s illusion, I could see the orcs racing towards my friends at the bottom of the mesa.
I kept running – and then I heard something.
I looked down, and saw that I was running through a nest of venomous snakes writhing in the grass.
“HOLY SHIT!” I yelled as I leapt up in the air.
Cobras, adders, rattlesnakes – all of them reared up in the air, ready to strike as I landed –
And then I realized again what was going on.
Motherfuckin’ Dorp.
I willed myself to raise my eyes to the horizon as I hit the ground, and refused to look at the illusions striking at my feet.
He didn’t stop with the snakes, though.
Far from it.
It was like running through a carnival ride of horrors, from obvious physical threats to my worst
feelings of humiliation.
I passed my own body lying broken and bloody on the ground, reaching up to me and screaming for help.
Strangely enough, that was nowhere near as horrifying as the next vision: me, naked, lashed to a wooden cross, my penis only 1/10 of its actual size, as dozens of gorgeous women stood around laughing and pointing at it.
If I ever got out of this alive, I was seriously going to kick Dorp’s ass for that one.
And then I came to the most frightening one of all.
The horrifying part about it was I wasn’t sure if it was real or not. Alaria lay in a crater on the ground, her metal skin mangled by an explosion. Her body was gone below the waist, and a snarl of wires protruded from the bottom of her torso. She looked up at me pitifully, her eyes flickering as she cried out in terror, “Ian? Ian, help me – it hurts so much – so… much…”
Her eyes grew dark, and she died.
I stood there, shaken to my core, and involuntarily bent down to touch her –
But my hand disappeared through her body.
I was suddenly filled with rage.
I wasn’t just going to kick Dorp’s ass, I was going to fucking kill him for that one.
It was all I could do to tear myself away from Alaria’s broken body, but I forced myself onwards.
Up ahead, the orcs had come to a stop, and I could hear the sound of weapons clashing against each other.
More than that, I could hear the crackle of energy bolts, the roar of fireballs, the whooosh of Rogues going in and out of stealth, and the bloodthirsty cries of battle.
The orcs had run into my friends, and the battle had begun.
29
I had reached the front line of orcs vs. players, and everything was a violent free-for-all.
I cast Doomsday on a random orc foot soldier. Then I then hit him with Soul Suck. By the time he figured out what was happening and turned around to face me, Doomsday kicked in. A couple of Darkbolts later and he was dead at my feet.
One down, 9,999 to go.
My friends were doing a lot better than I’d anticipated. The orcs were getting sliced and diced by ice bolts, rays of energy, and dark magic spells – not to mention all the Paladin hammers, Warrior swords, Rogue knives, and Barbarian clubs bashing through their ugly green skulls.
