“Yeah, I’m pretty lucky.” I lead her to the couch, make sure she’s comfortable and then load the stove with some wood.
Once I’ve got a good blaze going, I join her on the couch. I luck out and find a decent old Christmas movie, Claire snuggling close to me while Mom hums and bakes in the kitchen, all kinds of amazing smells wafting through the house. The wood stove is putting off heat while the Christmas tree and its lights add a warm glow to the room, and Jessup has come in and gone right for his dog bed close to the fire. I kiss Claire’s hair, and she kind of purrs in response, her body fitting just perfectly next to mine, warm and soft and somehow smelling like cinnamon.
Even though Claire is sad, and my worry for her is very real, this time with her feels so incredibly right. At the start of the summer, having moved away from everything I knew to a small town in the middle of nowhere, I couldn’t have imagined that by Christmas I’d have met a girl as amazing as Claire, that I’d have connected with her, fallen in love with her and would be sitting and holding her like I’d loved her all my life.
But as good as all of that feels, Laney still creeps into my mind and my heart. Even now, sitting here watching Miracle on 34th Street with Claire in my arms, I can see Laney’s face and remember the kiss we had under the mistletoe last year, how I’d loved her, how she’d broken my heart, a heart that still hadn’t completely forgotten her.
I hate myself for it. I want to forget her, but I can’t. And it’s stupid, so fucking stupid to love a girl that didn’t want me, to keep even a part of my heart open for her when all of it should belong to Claire.
I kiss Claire’s head again and give her a squeeze, terrified she might see through me, might think I don’t want her when I do. But thank god she just snuggles closer to me and lets out a soft, contented sigh.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
CLAIRE
Having sex with Tyler in his Jeep isn’t ideal, but it’s Christmas break, and parental units are everywhere.
“I hope you didn’t hurt your neck,” Tyler says while I’m climbing off of him.
“Maybe just a kink.” I slide my panties and leggings back on and move over to the driver’s seat.
Tyler has already stuffed himself back into his boxers and zipped up. I consider telling him he doesn’t need to hide himself from me, but he’s still sensitive about what he looks like, and I don’t want to get into another disagreement about that now.
“Well, let me know if you need a massage, okay?” He works his fingers over my neck, leans toward me and kisses me. “I love you, Claire,” he says, his eyes still closed when he pulls away.
“I love you enough to do it in your Jeep,” I reply with a smile.
“Then that has to be a lot. Next time, I’m taking you to the hotel by the freeway.”
“McKenzie’s mom runs that place, and she’s like always there. I don’t think she’d care, but it might get back to my mom.”
“Yeah, but she knows about us, right?”
“Sure, but it’s still weird in a way, doing it under their noses.”
“Then we’ll have to find some place near Spokane then. I don’t think I can go too long without this.”
I love that Tyler is embracing our sexual relationship and trusting that I truly don’t have any issues with his body, even if he still does. But I can’t help but think there’s something else behind it, almost like he’s pushing it harder than he needs to.
I lean into him. “We’ll figure it out. But you aren’t worried about something else, are you?”
My ear is set to his chest, so I note the slight increase of his heartbeat and the hard swallow in his throat.
“No… I just don’t want to lose what we have.”
“I don’t think you have to worry about that.” I lift my head from him and get a look into his eyes, eyes that take a moment to focus on me.
“I still haven’t applied for any colleges here, and I’m barely pulling a C in calculus, which means I should get my Jeep taken away from me.”
“Then we’ll get to your applications tomorrow—I feel bad we keep having to push it off. And now with work and school and everything.”
“Like you worrying about Margaret was your fault? I know I can’t be your whole focus.”
“But you need to be a big part of it,” I say, tapping him on his nose.
“I’ll take whatever you can offer me,” he says, and I know he means it, that he isn’t trying to guilt me.
“Okay, well I am still really worried about Margaret, and I haven’t heard anything from her husband yet, but maybe that’s a good thing, like no news is good news? So, I’m going to keep a good outlook, and you and I will focus on your college applications tomorrow.”
“Sounds good to me, but I’ve been thinking… what if we don’t get into the same school?”
“We don’t have to be in the same school. I mean, you have the Jeep, so as long as we aren’t like a thousand miles apart, we should be okay, right?”
He shrugs. “Hopefully. I guess I’m just stressing with the college thing being so up in the air.”
“Is that what’s bothering you?”
“Partly…” He pauses. “There’s other stuff too I guess.”
“Like?”
“Just stuff, figuring out my future, making my dad proud of me.”
“Stuff isn’t much of an answer.” It’s vague, and it actually worries me a little. I want to be here for him, but I’m not a therapist.
“Okay, fine, then it’s just my dad then,” he says defensively.
“Well, you can’t please everyone, so maybe don’t worry about your dad?”
“You’re right,” he says way too quickly, pushing out a breath and then forcing a smile. “What are you doing on Christmas Eve?”
While my mom and I had already invited Tyler and his parents over for Christmas Day, we hadn’t really discussed the day before. Traditionally, Christmas Eve is sort of somber for my family, a day we spend missing my dad, a day we used to spend with our paternal relatives but now just sort get through it in Basin Lake. But I’d really like to change that.
“I’m free. What do you have in mind?”
“My mom wants all of you to come over. She kind of wants to invite half the town plus Nick and some guys from the firehouse.”
“Well, sure. We’ll come, even if maybe I’d rather just spend it with you.”
“Believe me, that’s all I want, but we can sneak away, right?”
“I’m thinking yes.”
“I’ll keep you to it.”
And with that, he pulls me back to him. The sounds of his breath are comforting, but the nagging suspicion there’s something he’s keeping from me isn’t.
TYLER
I’m having the most amazing dream of Claire when my phone buzzes and wakes me up. It’s Christmas Eve Day, and I wipe my eyes and pick my phone up off the side table. It’s a little after eight, and I could have used another hour or two of sleep. But if it’s Claire, I won’t mind. I’d rather text her or talk to her than sleep anyway.
After wiping my eyes once more, the picture and attached text come into focus. The picture is of mistletoe hanging from a doorway, the attached message saying:
Remember last year?
Laney.
My heartbeat fires up with this extra reminder of that kiss under the mistletoe with the first girl I’d really fallen in love with, a girl that seemed to accept me just the way I was until she didn’t, until everything went to hell. I’m not sure what she actually wants now or what she actually feels.
I reply:
I do. Merry Christmas.
It’s all I type out, and I expect her to respond, though I’m not sure what I want her to say. When she shoots back an emoji of a smiley face blowing a kiss, I throw my phone on the bed. It almost feels like she’s fucking with me, which would be bad enough, but the fact that I even care, that I find myself wanting her to say more, is worse, so much worse. Claire is gorgeous, more beautiful than Laney, and she’s full o
f love and kindness and has her shit so together that it puts me to shame.
So why in the fuck does Laney still have a hold on me?
“You’ve been MIA,” Sam says, his image on my laptop shaky as he’s walking along a Seattle street.
“Yeah, I know… I’m sorry. You doing good?”
“Walking to this girl’s house. She invited me over for brunch.”
“Wow, that sounds promising. How’d you meet her?”
“The usual… a party on frat row. Pretty damn cute, but was kind of drunk. She called me this morning and thanked me for not taking advantage of that.”
“Seriously?”
He laughs. “Yeah, but I was a little drunk too. She might have taken advantage of me if she were more sober.”
“Sober sex is the best sex, right?”
“Listen to you, an actual authority on sex.” He chuckles. “I’m guessing this means things are good with Claire?”
I can’t hold back my grin even if I tried. “Better than I could have imagined. She’s more cool with my body than I am.”
“Lucky bastard. I talk a good game, but I’d be pretty set with a girl who legitimately loves me.”
“So you’d actually give a long-term monogamous relationship a chance?”
“We’ll see. I’m making a New Year’s resolution early, that I’m going to put it all into having a decent, long-term relationship with a girl this year. This city can feel so damn fucking lonely sometimes, especially at Christmas.”
“Drive your ass over here if you’re lonely. Mom’s invited a bunch of people over for a party, and I’ll probably be looking for a place to hide.”
“With Claire of course, right?” he says, his image on the screen suddenly disappearing, replaced shakily by trees and houses until he turns his phone back around and he reappears.
“Yeah, with Claire. You could seriously drive over here after brunch. It would only take you what, like three and a half hours?”
He laughs. “I appreciate it, but I’m not crossing the pass with snow in the mountains.”
“Your loss.”
“Definitely. Hey, heard anything from anyone back home?”
I consider telling him no, but I’m not a very good liar. “I heard from Laney.”
“Oh, dear god. What does she want?”
“She texted me, wished me a Merry Christmas.”
He stops walking and narrows his eyes at me. “Dangerous territory there, kid.”
“I know,” I say, lowering my head like an ashamed child.
“I’ve told you once, and I’ll tell you again. No good can come from still talking to her, not when you’re happy with Claire—you are happy with Claire, aren’t you?”
“More than happy.”
“So stop messing it up. Laney and you aren’t going to happen again.”
“I know, but…”
“But what?”
“I feel like maybe a part of me still loves her.”
He groans and covers his eyes, then drops his hand and shakes his head. “You love her… still?”
“I didn’t say it made sense. I don’t want to, believe me.”
His phone goes a little nutty again until I see he’s just sitting down on a bench. “Sounds like a bonafide love triangle brewing. Those don’t end well.”
“I have no intention of it going anywhere,” I tell him, a little peeved he’d think I might. “I figure these feelings for Laney are leftover. They’ll go away with time, right?” God, I hope they do.
He sighs. “Not sure I know, but they won’t go away any faster if you keep talking to her.”
“I know… I know.” Again with the shame.
“Don’t beat yourself up. Just keep your focus on Claire, and maybe bring her out here in the new year for a visit.”
“But there’ll be snow on the passes,” I throw back at him.
“Yeah, yeah. Well, you’ve got a Jeep while I have a crappy two-wheel drive. Invitation is always open.”
“Thanks. We’ll figure something out.”
“Anyway, I’ve got to sign off. Can’t be late for brunch, right?”
“Nope. You’ve got to impress the new girl.”
“That I do,” he says, standing up and on the move again.
“Merry Christmas, man.”
“You too, and say hi to that beautiful girlfriend or yours for me.”
“Will do.”
And then the chat goes blank.
CLAIRE
“So, Austin is definitely done for, huh?” Paige asks from the front seat of Mom’s Volvo, all of us on our way over to Tyler’s.
She and Evan flew in this morning from North Carolina for Christmas, and it’s kind of weird having her back, but really good too.
“Yep, it’s totally over.” I’m in the backseat, Evan having been entrusted to drive me, Kate and Paige while Mom and Grandma ride with Clark. McKenzie and Henry are riding with James.
“Then this Tyler’s a lucky guy,” Evan says, eyeing me quickly in the rear view mirror before his eyes dart back to Paige—he can’t seem to keep them off of my older sister.
A few years ago, I could never have imagined having such an easy conversation with Paige. I’d had a long list of jealousies against her, including the fact she’d had more years with our dad, got amazing grades while working and being on the track team and joining a bunch of school clubs and being beautiful and making it all look so damn easy. Add to that her being crowned prom queen without even really wanting it, and it had all been a little too much for my competitive younger self to take.
“I just hope he and I can be together once college starts,” I say, sitting next to a very quiet Kate.
“Where’s he going?” Paige questions.
“Not sure. He hasn’t actually applied anywhere, at least not anywhere in Washington. I keep offering to help him, but something always comes up.”
“He sounds like me,” Evan says with a laugh. “I was pretty hopeless… Paige could tell you all about it.”
“Well, you aren’t hopeless now,” she says, her smile at him captured in the fading light of this winter day.
“I couldn’t ever be as long as I’m with you.”
“Gross,” Kate practically sneers. “Let’s not forget you guys broke Garrett’s heart to be together.”
“Kate!” I throw her an admonishing look. I like Garrett too, but Paige had made the right choice—it was always supposed to be Evan for her.
“It’s fine,” Evan says, though his voice comes out tighter than it did just a minute ago. “We still have work to do when it comes to that.”
“I saw him, you know,” Kate says. “He’s back for Christmas and was at the grocery store helping his parents. Mom and I said hi to him, but he looked kind of sad.”
“Like Paige wants to hear that,” I scold my little sister. “Jesus, Kate, way to make her feel worse.”
Paige doesn’t say anything, and neither does Evan. Actually, all of us stay pretty quiet until we get to Tyler’s.
“Intense day,” I tell Tyler after we sneak into his room, having spent the prior ten minutes saying hi to everyone gathered at his house and introducing him to my entire family.
“Too many people for me too… kind of brutal. We’ll have to go back out there though, you know? My mom won’t want us disappearing for good.”
“No, it’s not all the people.” I’m sitting on his bed with him next to me. “Kate just got kind of pissy with my sister on the way over, brought up some old stuff that Paige and Evan really didn’t need to hear.”
“Oh, so that’s why Kate had her arms crossed over her chest and a scowl on her face the entire time we were out there?”
“Pretty much. Every time I think Kate is getting better, she slips back into being this new unhappy self of hers.”
“What’s her deal exactly?” He rubs my back, and it feels nice, and I wish we could just shut his door and stay in here for at least an hour without anyone missing us.
“Just girl stuff.” I’d love to let him in on what’s really going on, but it isn’t my place. Kate pretty much hates that even Paige and I know about it.
“Girl stuff… yeah, I’m definitely not equipped to handle that.”
McKenzie pops her head into Tyler’s open door. “I thought I heard voices.”
James pokes his head over her shoulder.
“This where the party’s at apparently?” Nick is the next one to arrive.
“Have a seat,” Tyler tells them all, hopping up and offering his desk chair, an ottoman cube and a bean bag thing before he returns to my side.
“Hey, this is nice,” James says, plopping into the bean bag. “Come on, babe,” he says, grabbing for McKenzie and dragging her down with him.
“How the hell am I ever supposed to get out of this?” she asks with a laugh.
“You’re just stuck with me,” he answers, going for her neck with an exaggerated chomping sound.
“And I’ll be the normal guy and take the chair.” With hands stuffed in his pockets, Nick takes the chair, a look of annoyance flashing over his face.
“No Nina?” I ask him, knowing Tyler had extended the invite to her as well.
Nick laughs. “She had plans.”
James stops chomping on McKenzie’s neck and turns to Nick. “You still macking on Vargo?”
Nick laughs, but it’s mocking laughter. “I do not mack on any girl, but I’ve decided to give Nina one more chance with me.”
James matches his laughter. “She even want one?”
“I think she’d be stupid not to at least give it a shot,” I say. Nina of course has her pick of guys, but their sparring in chemistry and her asking him to be her date at the harvest dance lead me to believe she really likes Nick. But she’s been standoffish too, and I think it’s because she can’t quite bring herself to seriously date such a self-declared outsider.
Nick allows himself a smile. “Thanks, Claire. I’ll remember you when I’m disgustingly rich and famous.”
“Or just disgusting,” James says.
“Har har,” Nick pans back.
“So, I think Henry might be crushing on Kate,” McKenzie announces before Nick and James can keep going after one another. “He kept staring at her in the living room, so I told him to go up and talk to her.”
Between the Girls (The Basin Lake Series Book 3) Page 23
