I hadn’t wanted to be that girl who gave people the silent treatment, so I talked to Tyler at school, mostly just in advanced chemistry, and mostly just when it pertained to our schoolwork. I shut him down whenever he asked for time alone to talk, and I deleted more than my fair share of texts from him. It was all about self-preservation for me because I couldn’t handle one more upset.
In the meantime, Nick and Nina had become a nauseatingly happy couple and had tried to get Tyler and me back together, but I’d straight up told them both that if they considered themselves to be my friends, then they’d leave it be. And eventually they did.
Tyler didn’t go to prom, but I’d felt an obligation. I was in the running for prom queen, though I’d done plenty of finger crossing I wouldn’t get it—it wouldn’t seem like much of an honor without Tyler. Nina Vargo ended up taking the crown, though Nick hadn’t even been voted on the court. It didn’t matter—when they danced, everyone knew he was her king and would be for a very long time.
My competitive self was content enough in being a princess with my prince being Brock Shepard, a nice enough guy I’d known since third grade but for whom I had absolutely no romantic feeling. I turned away when he tried to kiss me on the lips, not even tempted by the idea of getting some petty revenge on Tyler.
I did see Tyler at graduation, and while Austin had technically graduated in January, he walked with the rest of us in June. McKenzie and James broke up because he just couldn’t reconcile her going all the way to North Carolina, and she refused to cave. By the time we all parted in mid June, weeping and promising to all remain friends, James and McKenzie were on better terms, which had inspired me to say a proper goodbye to Tyler.
“I wish you the very best,” I told him, finding him with his parents after our graduation ceremony. I’d wanted to hug him, had wanted so badly to be close to him again, just to smell him, to feel him, but I knew that would be too much. It was dangerous, and I couldn’t afford to look back.
“You’ll be a great doctor someday,” he told me, his voice catching when he spoke.
“Are you going to CU?” I asked him curiously, never having gleaned that information in our last weeks of school.
He looked to his father, then said, “Going to fight wilderness fires this summer and see what happens after that.”
“Really?” I hadn’t expected to feel so surprised but mostly worried for him, for his safety.
“He’s a strong boy,” his dad told me, and I imagined he was talking about more than just his muscles. “He’ll do great in the field.”
His mother didn’t look as convinced, her smile fading.
“You know, we still have to go to that concert in October.” Tyler added this in an assured, unquestioning tone before I could turn to leave.
He’d surprised me when he said that. I’d remembered the concert of course, but I hadn’t thought it possible he’d still expect us to go together.
All I did was smile at that, tell his parents goodbye, and then I turned and walked away, struggling with the emotion I was attempting to contain. I had a very real sense of sadness and heartbreak in knowing I wouldn’t see Tyler for months when I’d been used to at least seeing his face every day at school. And if we didn’t manage to go to that concert together, maybe I’d never see him again.
I returned to my own family, including my sister, Kate, whose hair was finally growing out and who now had good days interspersed with all the bad ones. I hated to leave her, but I knew staying wouldn’t help her even if I could. I’d tried for over a year to do just that, but nothing, not even Margaret’s passing and Kate’s realization of how much she had to be thankful for, had really been enough to trigger her into being able to see more good than bad in her life. All I could do was stay in close touch and hope that was enough.
I’d always expected my graduation to be bittersweet. A long time ago, I had decided the only thing I’d miss about Basin Lake would be my family and my closest friends, and that’s just something you have to feel, that loss, that knowing that things will change and that even though you’ll see them again, it will never be quite the same. But I’d countered that I’d be blazing my own trail, that I’d be following my dream, an important dream. I would build a new life without forgetting the old one or the people that mattered most to me. I’d be okay.
But of course I hadn’t anticipated falling so deeply in love with a boy, the kind of love where it physically aches not to be with him. I also hadn’t expected my sister to get such heartbreaking news or to still be struggling from one day to the next. And I’d never imagined losing my friend, Margaret, somehow thinking I’d visit her again one day as a doctor, see her wide, beaming eyes and know I’d made her proud.
I’m still okay, but I’m a lot of other things too. Paige was right when she told me you can’t just plan your feelings out, can’t just get over things because you want to. If I could, then maybe as I stand at the precipice of my new life, I’d be feeling more sweet than bitter.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
CLAIRE
Seattle — September
“You’re Claire, right?” The man eases into the chair next to mine on the small patio outside John and Emma’s new house.
“Yeah,” I reply, having gladly accepted Emma’s invitation to the late summer barbeque, feeling like my life was all about school and books and work and not anything at all about stealing a couple hours of fun.
“I’m Will. I go to school with Court and Denny.”
Will, who is tall and skinny and looks a little like Denny, wasn’t here a few minutes ago, or maybe he was. There are only about a dozen or so people here, half of them playing croquet. I’d sat this round out since there weren’t enough mallets for everyone, and I’m not sure I especially love croquet anyway.
“So, you’re in med school, then?” I ask, straightening my posture. It never hurts to have friends in med school.
He nods. “For better or worse, yeah. And sounds like you’re going to be following in our footsteps, huh?”
I look over for just a moment and catch Emma’s eye. She happens to be very pregnant but is playing croquet anyway in the tiny backyard, teamed up with John and going up against Denny and Court. She smiles at me, and in that smile I realize she’s trying to fix me up or at least take my mind off of Tyler. But Will isn’t Tyler, and that just reminds me how much it hurts that I’m not with him.
I guess that hurt is what has made me sound pathetic over the summer as I settled into my small room in a shared house near campus and got a part-time job at a coffee shop for extra spending money. I suppose that, without even trying, they had all seen that I was broken-hearted and sad to be alone. Once you’ve been in love, it’s hard to wake up every morning and know there won’t be anyone to kiss or hold hands with, not anyone you really care about at least.
“I’m definitely going to be a doctor,” I say with conviction. And in this moment, while I’m thinking about my future, I decide that maybe I should be giving other guys a chance. I sure as hell won’t fall in love with any of them, not this time around, but going on a few harmless dates, especially with a guy in med school, might not be a horrible idea.
“I love to hear that,” he says. “My grandma was a doctor. Hadn’t been easy back then, being a woman and all.”
“Really? I’d love to hear about her.”
And that’s what I do, ease back in my chair, sip on some lemonade and listen to Will talk about his trailblazing grandmother. It’s inspiring, and, more importantly, it keeps my mind far away from Tyler… for a little while at least.
TYLER
“You coming in to eat, Duncan?” my crew chief asks with a slap to my back.
“I’m fine… just watching the sunset.” I’ve settled into a nice little depression on a big boulder on the ridge we’re camped out on in the mountains of Northern California.
It’s beautiful here, warm and sunny, blue lakes and millions of acres of green trees. It’s a little less beaut
iful when there’s smoke billowing up from one of the fires I’ve spent the summer helping to put out, fires aided by years of drought that has left underbrush dry and easy to ignite.
But in this moment, it’s peaceful, and I know the only thing that could make it better would be to have Claire here with me. I miss her like she’s a part of me that’s been torn away.
He laughs, then pats me on the back again. “Well, we’ll put something aside for you then. Don’t stay out too long, kid.”
I like him, just as I like most of the guys and the one woman in our crew. Going to fight wilderness fires had been something my dad pushed me into doing, not something I’d wanted for myself. And yet, it’s been the best way to pass these months without Claire.
I’d been angry with her at first. I didn’t think she’d given me a fair chance to really explain the whole thing with Laney, but Nick had reminded me that the evidence against me was pretty bad. He said he believed me but said his heart wasn’t on the line like Claire’s had been.
“I was hoping to get back something I threw away,” Laney said before she boarded the plane back to Denver. “But I can see how much you love that other girl.”
Of course she knew it because it’s the only thing I talked about for the few days she stayed in Basin Lake before she was ready to fly home. I’d actually considered dialing Claire that very moment and having Laney repeat all of it to her. Maybe if she heard everything from Laney’s lips, she’d know I wasn’t lying. And then I’d tell her everything, about my breakup with Laney, what I’d done in response and how that led me to Basin Lake. I was desperate enough to do it, but somehow I knew Laney wouldn’t agree to it, and I knew Claire wouldn’t be ready to accept it.
So I told Laney goodbye, wished her the best and said we probably shouldn’t talk again. She’d agreed without tears or sadness. If anything, she looked a little relieved to get a firm answer and to part without anger or hate. I wanted a firm answer when it came to Claire too, something that would either give me hope or tell me to stop imagining a future for her and I, a future I might only ever get to dream about, never get to actually live.
All that pain could have been amplified if the guys here at the camp had been dicks. As usual, I’d been worried about them seeing my scars or having to explain how I got them, afraid of the jokes that would follow, some that would likely be right to my face and others that would be slipped in behind my back.
But none of them cared. They had scars of their own and a lifetime of stories. Several had sustained burns in the fires they fought. One lost two of his fingers when he heard crying goats and pried the metal door of the burning shed they were in open—his fingers were sewn back on but they were gnarly enough to look slightly alien. Another guy had been in the army, had been hit by shrapnel and sustained damage nobody here judged him for. Here, your injuries could be worn like a badge of honor, one that would show you might have been beaten down once, but you got right back up and kept on fighting.
It’s surreal that I’ve gotten to a place where my scars no longer matter, where I’m not afraid of what people might say or do in response to them. I’d been terrified of people finding out in Basin Lake, of feeling ostracized or talked about or rejected. But none of that happened, and even Austin had apparently kept his mouth shut about that day at the lake Claire had intercepted Laney’s texts. In essence, one of the larger fears I’d had living in that small town never came to pass.
But what I hadn’t anticipated when I moved to Basin Lake was that I’d meet a girl and that I’d fall in love. I couldn’t have imagined how easily she would accept me or how confused things would become, how I thought part of my heart had been left behind in Denver while the rest of it was looking ahead and planning for a future with Claire, a girl I often thought deep down that I couldn’t measure up to. I couldn’t have known how I’d muck it all up and how a fear yet unrealized would cause some of the worst anguish of my life.
Losing Claire makes watching the setting sun fall behind the mountains bittersweet. But I remind myself, as my crew chief did a couple months back, that the sun always rises and brings with it a new day and new possibilities. And come October, I’m hoping Claire will let me take her to that concert and that she’ll hear me out, that she’ll give me another chance, even if it’s the last one. I’m not sure what I’ll do if she says no, but that’s a bridge I’ll cross when I get to it. For now, it brings me hope, and that’s something to hang on to.
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
CLAIRE
Seattle - October
“So,” Will says, breaking the silence of our study session.
He’s sitting across from me at a table in the library, and I pop my head up, somewhat surprised to hear a peep out of him since he loves his quiet and frequently admonishes me for interrupting him while he’s “in the study zone.”
When he doesn’t say anything else, I raise my brows at him and gently push my chin forward, silently nudging him to finish his sentence.
“I sort of saw some tickets on your dresser the other day,” he manages, “for Bastille?”
I say a silent, “Oh,” and curse myself for even letting him in my room. It had been innocent enough, me fetching a forgotten book on our way to the library.
“A friend got those for me, but I’m not even sure I’m still going.”
“Well, if it’s because you don’t have anyone to go with, I could maybe?”
Will is seven years older than I am and has a lot more experience under his belt as far as relationships go. I told him from the beginning I couldn’t offer him much. We’d only kissed twice, and he’d backed off from doing more when I said I wasn’t ready. It’s not that he isn’t attractive in his own way—he is. And it’s not that I don’t enjoy his company, because I do. And we have mutual interests and now mutual friends, and I’ve learned a great deal from him. But Will, or likely any other guy right now, simply doesn’t make my belly stir the way that Tyler had.
“I kind of promised that friend I’d go with them… if I’d go with them at all,” I add.
“And this friend is a guy?” Will looks annoyed, and perhaps even a little angry.
I nod. “He’s my ex-boyfriend.”
His eyes narrow. “You’re still talking to your ex?” He says this louder than is acceptable in a library, and several people turn in our direction.
“I’m not talking to him at the moment, but I might, eventually.”
Will lets out a cutting breath. “Figures.”
“And what is that supposed to mean?”
“It means that you’re the only girl I’ve been talking to or hanging out with while you’ve apparently been plotting to reconnect with your ex.”
I let out an annoyed sound, disappointed I’d found my way right back to drama when I’d tried my best to evade it. “I never promised you anything, never said I could really give you anything. I thought you were cool with us just being friends.”
He lets out a sigh and shakes his head. “Then you must be blind… because I’m not okay with that.”
There isn’t even time for me to offer a response before he closes up his books, packs them into his messenger bag and storms out of the library without so much as a goodbye.
A girl at the next table looks at me with what I think is empathy or maybe just annoyance while I process what just happened. I hadn’t expected Will to react that way, but maybe I should have. If he has feelings for me, then I can’t exactly be upset about him cutting the cord when I can’t return them. Hopefully we can get past it and just be friends so that running into each other again won’t be awkward.
When I get back to studying, I feel something a girl might not normally feel when a smart, decent looking guy walks out on her, and that’s relief, pure and simple.
He calls me when I’m doing laundry at the laundromat. I expect it to be Will since he’d already called me twice after our little fight yesterday, so I answer with a voice that I know will sound annoyed.
“Yes?”
“Claire?”
It’s definitely not Will.
“Tyler?”
“Yeah… it’s been a while since we talked.”
“Forever,” I whisper. I close my eyes, anxious to hear his voice again, the voice of a boy, no… a man, that I’d missed like crazy even if I’d tried not to.
He clears his throat, and I swear there’s emotion in his voice when he speaks again. “I… uh… well, I told you I’d be going to that concert with you, and it’s only a few days away now.”
“I know.” I consider telling him I already have plans to go with someone else, which would be a total and complete lie, and in all honesty, the only person I can imagine going with is Tyler.
“I can get the time off. I’m in California right now, but I’ve already talked to my crew chief.”
“Wow, California. You’re still doing firefighting?”
“Yep. They don’t ever seem to end, which keeps us all plenty busy.”
While I knew of his plans for the summer, I hadn’t wanted to picture him out there, so close to danger. I still don’t. He’s built and strong like a guy in his mid twenties, but still only nineteen, and I don’t want him so close to harm’s way.
“Claire?” His voice pulls me out of my thoughts.
“I’m here,” I say. I’m not going anywhere.
“I’d really love to come up. I want to come up. Please let me at least fulfill my promise.”
The thought of seeing him again, and in just a few days, is elating. But this euphoria settles, and I’m left with the real worry that as soon as I see Tyler, I’ll fall right back into him, into a long-distance relationship where I’ll spend countless hours thinking of and worrying about him, hours that will pull me away from my studies and realizing my dreams, hours that could potentially lead to more heartbreak.
Between the Girls (The Basin Lake Series Book 3) Page 31
