“Thanks, Jack.” She picked up one end of a tarp, and Jack took the other. “I heard you talking to Sam on the phone. Is everything okay?”
He shrugged. “No change. Tess’s vitals are still good, and she’s breathing on her own. She hasn’t regained consciousness yet, so they put in a temporary feeding tube.”
“Jesus.” Jenny let her arms drop with the tarp. “Maybe we should go home. I feel guilty being here.”
“We’re almost at the finish line, love. If you want, we can leave tonight after the sweat, though you’ll probably be exhausted.”
She nodded. “Let’s see how I feel, then.”
The two worked in tandem, covering the skeleton lodge, layer upon layer, until Talan checked the inside and pronounced it done.
The sun set below the horizon, and the sky had turned twilight purple. “It’s time, Jenny.” Talan noted. “You will want to change.”
The old man held out a sarong printed with pretty geometric shapes. At the front were the images of a wolf and a great cat. Jenny took the wrap from him and entered the dark lodge.
She stripped quickly, shivering in the cold. Stepping outside, she handed Jack her clothes. “Keep them by the fire or they’ll be icy when I’m done.”
A ring of boulders formed a ceremonial pit where river rocks were heated for most of the day in preparation of the ceremony. Smooth stones glowed red at its center, and Jack was there to stand sentinel with a long pitchfork, turning and tending the fire, sweeping the rocks of embers that could irritate the eyes and lungs of sweat participants later.
Ceremonial herbs and white sage burned with seasoned hardwoods and aromatic smoke rose to the sky, a beacon for the spirits yet to be called.
“Sweets, you’re going to want icy when you’re done. Trust me. I’m the firekeeper.”
Talan was dressed in a traditional loin cloth, and nothing else. He carried a flat kind of drum, and a canteen covered in the same kind of deerskin as his medicine bag, which was conspicuously missing. Instead he wore a necklace made of graduated teeth and fangs.
“Talan, what is that?” she asked, pointing to the necklace.
He lifted the heavy ornament in his palm for her to take a better look. “This takes the place of my medicine bag during vision quests and Time Walking. My medicine bag is for everyday spirituality, this is needed when a more powerful communing is required. Like tonight. The wolf’s teeth allow me to see the other side, and when necessary, they give me the ability to rip through the fabric of time.”
He reached out a hand. “Are you ready for your journey?”
Jenny took his hand, and the nervous butterflies that plagued her all afternoon suddenly vanished, and a peace settled instead.
“Have you decided what kind of sweat you’d like to do?”
“Guided. I figure you know what you’re doing, and I know bupkus.”
Talan grinned at the funny word. “Then let us begin.”
Jen followed him inside the dark lodge. She had to stop herself from grabbing the shaman’s arm, for fear of tripping over herself.
“Do you really fit five more people in here at once?” she asked, crouching across from Talan with the cold hearth between them.
He motioned for her to sit, but didn’t answer. The time for questions and answers were over. At least on this plane.
Talan motioned through the open lodge flap for the first of the stones, and Jack carried them in on the same pitchfork he used to mind the firepit.
He lowered the hot rocks into the shallow hearth, placing the first on the eastern edge of the circular hearth, followed by south, west, north and then finally one at the center for the Great Spirit.
Holding one hand over the glowing rocks, a chant rose from Talan’s lips. A slow beat reverberated in time with the shaman’s prayer, and as he lifted his arm higher, the rhythm of the chant increased in speed and volume along with the drumming until he stopped abruptly. With a nod to the spirits, Talan doused the first stones with water. The hiss was surreal as the small, dark enclosure filled with steam.
“We call to the Spirit of the East, land of the rising sun, of air and the winds that blow. We bless you and ask for your wisdom that our search be illuminated with light.”
Water spread to the other rocks and the temperature inside the lodge jumped. “Spirit of the South, place of passion, fire, and creation, whose warm breath reminds us of the summer lion, ignite our hearts with compassion.”
Spicy and thick, scents from the sage and sweetgrass filled the lodge. Jenny found herself swaying with the cadence of Talan’s drum and his chant, wondering if there was something stronger in the smoke than just sage.
“We call to the Spirit of the West, the land of the setting sun, of water and autumn’s whisper. Bless us with the peace that follows a fruitful hunt that we may find the answers we seek.”
With his eyes cast toward the sky, Talan poured another dipper full of water. “Oh, Spirit of the North, place of quiet, stillness, of cave and deep earth. Place of thankfulness for the knowledge and blessings that have come to us with time. We are grateful for this gift of life and for the love that guides our way. Spirit of our souls within, we open our hearts. It is begun.”
A haze filled the interior of the lodge, and the glow from the hot stones shimmered and danced. The air thickened until Jenny’s skin glistened with sweat.
Talan’s drumming stopped, and the shaman lifted his eyes to hers. “Your heart is the muscle that fuels both body and soul, and it is there we begin.”
The man reached into a leather pouch next to the stone circle and tossed a handful of dried herbs onto the glowing stones. Pungent smoke filled the domed hut, burning the inside of Jen’s nose.
“Uhm, Talan. I’m getting a little foggy. Is that supposed to happen?”
“Hush, child.”
He threw another handful, and as the dried mix blackened and smoked, Jenny muffled a giggle.
Talan’s drum tapped a repetitive, almost hypnotic beat inside the lodge. Jenny focused on the rhythm, and how her heart seemed to beat with the same cadence.
“Close your eyes. Listen to the quiet. Listen to the sound of your heart, the pacing of your breath. Let the blackness and the heat seep into your body. Relax your mind. Follow the sound of my voice, and where I guide you.”
Talan chanted. She didn’t understand his words or their meaning, but they filled her regardless. It was as if they called to a place beyond time and space, filling this dark womb with more than just steam and sweat.
The chanting increased in volume, and Talan drummed louder and faster. Jenny rocked, her senses whirling as images formed and then disappeared as if sucked into a void.
Talan stopped drumming, and his chant ended. Steam swirled around them as if alive, and even her own sweat took on a curious tingle. Her eyes adjusted to the dim glow, and when she looked across the river stones, at Talan, his skin seemed to shimmer with an otherworldly sheen. Strangely, so did her own.
“I see a darkness. It crawls and consumes, leaving you unsettled and confused. This darkness has no ceiling and no sides, yet it stands long and thick, and expansive.
Jenny inhaled. “A wall.”
“Picture it in your mind, child. Feel its texture. Is it solid? Is it a living thing?”
“I can’t see it.”
“Don’t try to see it with your mind, look for it with your heart. Your mind can trick you. Your heart never will. It knows even when your mind tells it not to.”
“I see it! It’s always in front of me. No matter which way I turn, it learns and moves. Just when I think I can breach its height, it changes. Reforming itself.
“So it’s impenetrable. I don’t want it to be.”
“Then make it so. This wall is of your creation. Only you can topple it.”
“But how?”
“You must face what you fear. This wall isn’t a barrier. It is a shield. It’s keeping something at bay. Something your mind doesn’t want you to remember.”
<
br /> Talan doused the stones again, and fresh steam rose. The herbs no longer burned the inside of her nose. She breathed deeply, taking them in.
The shaman resumed his chanting, and this time Jenny’s head whirled with its rhythm and cadence.
Jenny reached for the barrier, her fingers sliding over the face of it looking for cracks of chinks. It undulated under her fingers, but instead of recoiling from it, she dug in. The movement stopped under her hands, and tiny cracks formed where her fingers found a hold.
She struggled, climbing hand over hand, her feet digging in as well. Talan’s chanting filled her, buoying her to keep going and not look down. The wall’s texture changed, growing jagged and sharp. Her hands felt slick, and she knew if she looked, she’d see they were bloodied, but she climbed on. The top was so close.
Crying out, she reached for the last hand hold, her fingers shredded but she didn’t care. She threw a leg over the top expecting to see some sort of vista or something, but instead she hoisted herself over and the wall crumbled, taking her with it. She tumbled and fell, falling and falling until…
“Mommy, can we have pizza for dinner.”
“YAY! Pizza!”
She stared out the passenger side window.
“Are you going to answer your daughters?” Charlie asked. “The twins asked you a question. Or are you giving us all the silent treatment tonight, not just me?”
“My daughters. Did you conveniently forget they’re your daughters, too?” Jenny scoffed. “Like how you forget your entire family while you fuck that bitch? You want me to talk? Fine! I’ll talk! How could you, Charlie? You absolute horror of a human being. All this time! Why couldn’t you be a man, and just tell me BEFORE you started fucking her? You probably thought you could have your cake and eat it, too! Good ol’ Jen won’t mind. She doesn’t have time for sex anymore, so I’ll just fuck a friend!”
Charlie’s mouth was a mashed line, his fingers white-knuckled on the steering wheel.
“Tell me, you coward! Because real men don’t shit on their wives and make them look like fools in front of everyone they know!” Jenny lost it. “I heard you, Charlie! I heard the whole sordid call! Phone sex with your mistress in OUR bedroom! Did you even think to check if the kids were in their rooms before you whipped it out?
“Charlie! JESUS! Slow down!”
“Daddy! The car’s going too fast!”
MOMMY!
OH MY GOD!
Jenny screamed, her head flailing as she rocked back and forth. Jack rushed to the lodge’s front flap, but Talan’s warning stopped him. The holy man opened a second pouch beside the river stones, and a bitter odor filled the space.
Reaching inside, he pulled a handful of pungent herbs and threw them onto the hot rocks. They sizzled and crisped, the smell overpowering. Talan doused the stones again, and steam rose with a finite feel. He released the mists, and the lodge cleared. He called Jack inside, and as Jenny’s eyes opened, she slumped into Jack’s arms.
The wall was down.
She remembered everything.
Chapter Eighteen
Jenny sipped hot cocoa wearing one of Jack’s sweatshirts and a pair of loose fitting joggers. Her body was beat up, and exhaustion weighed heavy on her, but she wasn’t falling apart. She was determined.
What she experienced in her journey was crystal clear, but Jack helping her out of the sweat-soaked sarong and into her clothes was a blur. He didn’t ask one question. Not because he didn’t want to know, but because she’d have fallen apart if he did. She didn’t need a mirror to tell her that much.
She rode the short distance to Talan’s cabin in the back seat of Talan’s Jeep, numb. She couldn’t even cry. From there, Jack helped her shower because she was so weak, he and Talan were afraid she’d collapse.
Hot water cascaded over her body, but it felt cold and it stung. Everything stung. Her eyes. Her skin.
Her conscience.
The warning, let sleeping dogs lie, was never more pointed in her life. She didn’t just wake the dog. She woke a three-headed hellhound and his brother, and they bit her in the ass big time.
“Jenny,” Talan began, “we should talk. I know you’re exhausted, but your journey isn’t finished. You saw what you asked the universe to help reveal. There’s no question it shocked you to your core, but you need to complete the last part. You need to remove your guilt.”
“If that’s your sales pitch to try and get me to do another sweat, forget it. No offense, Talan, your sweat lodge ritual does what it promises, but I think it needs a disclaimer, be careful what you wish for because you just might get it.”
“That it does.”
“I’m glad you understand because I’m done with soul searching. My psyche has no more secrets, or if it does, it can keep them. I’ll deal with the bad dreams.”
“Jenny, you can’t carry this kind of guilt. It’s too heavy, my dear. The last part of my sweat ritual is releasing negativity. You need to release whatever guilt you feel and be free. Since we didn’t finish in the confines of the sweat, I think it best if you do so under the new moon. It’s the crossroads moon.”
There was that word again. Didn’t matter. She knew what needed to be done. Done with crossroads and done with guilt.
“Jen, please listen to him.” Jack took her hand. “It hurt my heart to see you so broken.”
“My dear, I’m serious. You came away from your experience unhealed. I can’t let you continue that way.”
“I’m fine, so you both can stop worrying. I’m the one who wanted to know the reason for my dreams. I guessed there was something buried, and now it’s not. My inner psyche is pretty creative because that wall was no joke. It was like the wall from Game of Thrones only alive and unrelentless. Now I know what nearly drowned me in my last dream. Talan is right. It was my guilty conscience.”
“How are you guilty?” Jack shook his head. “I don’t understand.”
Jenny took his hand and pressed his fingers to her lips. “You don’t need to, because it’s over.”
“Is it?” Talan raised an eyebrow.
Jack eyes stayed with hers, searching. His fingers over her chin, he held her face. “Okay, then.”
“Jenny, whatever you decide, tomorrow is the new moon. I know it’s Christmas Eve, but I’ll give you everything you’ll need to free your mind and heal your heart. The choice will be yours to do or not.”
“Thank you, Talan. I know how much you want to help, but I’m okay. Time, the great equalizer.”
She finished the last of her hot cocoa, and then got up to put her mug in the sink. “On that note, I’m going to bed.” She kissed Jack goodnight, and then hugged Talan. “I’ll see you both in the morning.”
She walked alone to the bedroom and closed the door. Dragging in a breath, her eyes went to the carved box where Talan kept his ritual wolf-tooth necklace. Time was definitely the great equalizer.
***
“I told Sam we’d stop by the hospital on our way back to town,” Jack said, putting their overnight cases into the trunk of the car. “Unless you’d rather not.”
Jenny stood at the base of the porch steps. The air smelled like snow, and she dragged in a lung full. “No, that’s fine. I want to see Tess.”
“She’s still unconscious, Jen. Sam says we need to brace ourselves for the monitors and tubes.”
“I don’t care. I want to see her.”
Jack closed the trunk. “We can tell her we’ll bring a candle for her to the tree lighting tonight.”
Jenny nodded, and then glanced up to the cabin’s deck as Talan came around with two coffees. He walked down the steps, holding them in each hand.
“I forgot I had these disposable cups. I don’t usually do paper and plastic, but someone brought a package for a party, and I kept them in the cabinet.” He handed them each a cup.
“Thank you for everything, Talan.” Jenny held out her hand. The moment the old man took it, his smile faded a bit, but he simply nodded and rel
eased her grip.
Jenny picked up her purse from the bottom step. “I’ll wait for you in the car, Jack. Take your time.”
Jack pulled Talan into a hug, clapping him on the back. “Let’s not wait as long to see each other, old man. Next time without the drama and sweat.”
He pulled back to take Talan’s hand, following the shaman’s line of sight to Jenny sitting in the car. “Think she got what she needed?”
Talan pressed his lips together, his face concerned. “There’s getting what you need, and then there’s getting what you think you want. Only the spirits know.”
Jack grinned, clasping Talan’s hand tighter. “One of these days you’re going to stop talking in riddles.”
“On that day, you will see me one with those same spirits.” Talan covered Jack’s hand with his own. “Take care, my son.” He spared a glance for Jenny again. “And take care of that one. She is going to need you and your gifts, soon.”
The old shaman lifted one hand, giving Jack a blessing, and then turned to head up the stairs. “Safe journey.”
Jack looked at his friend, perplexed, but then again, Talan had that effect on a lot of people. He waved, and got in the car.
“So,” he began, starting the car, “how about a bear claw to go with Talan’s awful coffee?”
Jenny gave a soft laugh, waving as they pulled away. “I thought it was just me.”
“God, no. His coffee is the worst. We can toss it at the donut shop just outside the reservation and then head to the hospital.”
“Sounds good. After that, I have a few things to do at the inn before we head to the tree lighting.”
“Talan give you his ritual thing?”
Jenny’s head swung around at that. “What ritual thing?”
“The stuff he mentioned last night before you went to sleep. I couldn’t ask when I came to bed, you were out cold.”
She let out a breath. “Uhm, yeah. It’s in my bag.”
“Good.”
Jenny toyed with the coffee lid on the cup. “Did Talan seem a little weird this morning?”
“He’s always a little strange. It’s part of what makes Talan, Talan. It’s the shaman training. He just knows things. It’s rather unnerving. Like when you get your flashes, though his are never about a neighbor and their secret sex habits.”
A Little Mistletoe and Magic: Ho Ho Howls Romance Holiday Edition Page 15
