by Lizzie James
I was broken. Nothing was going to fix it. He’d lied to me and I’d fallen for it like the stupid, nerdy, insecure idiot that I was. It felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest. In its place was nothing, just a black hole filled with hate.
After an hour of nothing but crying, I looked up at Joy. Her bruises had faded over her time at hospital and she looked like she was back to herself. She pressed a kiss to my forehead, keeping her lips there longer.
“What happened?” Bex asked from behind me
I shook my head, not knowing what to say. “You were right, Bex. He lied to me.”
“I’m so sorry.” Her voice broke.
I nodded, accepting her answer. I couldn’t talk about this now. I didn’t have the energy for it. Right now, I just wanted to disappear.
Bex turned the television on, settling on The Simpsons. She lifted my legs into her lap, rubbing her thumbs against the soles of my feet.
I closed my eyes, not interested in the program but thankful for the added noise. She gave a good foot massage. If I hadn’t been feeling like this, I’d have been moaning in pure bliss.
Minutes later, I tapped Bex on the thigh, getting up, and giving Joy a quick kiss on the cheek. I went straight upstairs, determined to lock myself away. Disappearing into sleep sounded like a good idea right then.
Changing into my pyjamas, I climbed into bed, turning off the lights and pulling the blanket over me. I didn’t want to be there. I just wanted to run away. I guessed I could go and visit my father, especially as I didn’t get to see him this Christmas.
I jumped in shock as a loud knocking noise came from downstairs. It sounded again a few seconds later, not really being patient. I crept to my door, peeking my head around the corner.
“What do you want?” Bex shouted through the door.
“Open this door, Bex!” Johnny shouted back.
She did as he requested, blocking the route to the stairs.
“Where is she?” he asked. “I need to see her.”
My eyes filled seeing him standing there. My body wanted nothing more than to go to him but my heart… my heart was in broken shards, lying at his feet.
“Well, tough shit!” Bex snapped, defending me. “You had one fucking chance, Romeo, and guess what? You screwed it!”
I would have smiled and beamed with pride at the way Bex defended me if I wasn’t feeling that way. She would put all knights in shining armor to shame.
“Bex, get out of the way.” He squared up to her, still above her height even with her standing a few steps higher than him. “I need to see my girl and I’ll move you if I have to.”
I would have been scared if someone of Johnny’s build was staring me down like he was at her, but not Bex.
She crossed her arms, standing firm. “Joy!” she called, giving him a cocky smirk.
“Now, Johnny,” Joy said, bustling in from the kitchen. “Not tonight.”
He looked at her in shock. He expected her to side with him, but Joy wasn’t like that. She knew that if I had to have him in my face, I’d most likely crack.
“She needs time, Johnny. When she came home…” She shook her head. “She was broken, sweetie.”
His face fell at her words.
Well, what did he expect? He lied to me, about something huge. It wasn’t something I could just brush off and sweep under the rug.
“I didn’t mean it.” His shoulders slumped, looking defeated. “I knew that if she knew I had slept with Lucy, I would have lost her before I even had her.” He lifted his arms up, running his hands roughly through his hair. “I love her. There’s no one else. I can’t be without her.”
He looked lost.
“Give her time, Johnny,” Bex interjected. “She gave everything to you and she needs time to process this.”
He nodded, turning his back and leaving.
Closing my door, I went to the window and watched him walk back to his house. He looked like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders, but right then, I couldn’t care. I didn’t want to care.
I crawled back into bed, tossing and turning the whole night. His scent was all over my pillow and blankets making it ten times worse.
Climbing out of bed the next day, it felt like I couldn’t breathe. I had to get out of here. Tossing some clothes in a travel bag—enough for a few days—I grabbed my cash and sketch pad and changed into a fresh tee and jeans. Picking up my hoodie, I left the room, needing to escape.
Joy didn’t look surprised when I met her in the kitchen. She just opened her arms for me and cocooned me in the tightest hug. Rocking me from side to side, she pressed a kiss to my temple. “Come back to me, sweet girl.”
I nodded, hugging her tighter. “I will. I just need a break.” I smiled, trying to ease her worry. “I’m going to go and see the old man.” I giggled at the term of reference, knowing he wouldn’t be impressed by that. “I’ve booked my train and he’s going to meet me at the station.”
She let me go, and, after a quick kiss on the cheek, I was out the door.
Walking down the path, the taxi was idling at the curb. Throwing my bag in the back seat, I looked up just in time to see Sammy standing on his doorstep. I lifted my hand, offering a silent wave before getting in the car and letting the driver take me away, hopefully to some place where my head wouldn’t hurt as much.
Several hours later, the train finally pulled into the station.
I smiled when I saw my father waiting. Getting off the train, I grinned, jogging toward him until he was right in front of me. Holding his arms wide open, he crushed me in the biggest bear hug, squeezing me until I felt like my ribs were going to burst.
“Welcome home, darling.”
I inhaled his scent, loving the way that he smelled of old spice. He never changed.
“Thanks, Daddy.”
He picked my bag up, slinging it over his shoulder. “It’s good to be home.”
18
Johnny
Watching the taxi carry Tillie away a few days ago was the hardest thing I’d ever had to do. Standing at my bedroom window, watching her leave, not knowing if she would ever return…
I shook my head, crawling back into bed, and pressing my nose against the pillow—her pillow—I groaned at the scent that covered it. Strawberries and vanilla.
Sammy came up the stairs and stood at my door, just staring at me.
“You okay?” he asked.
I shrugged my shoulders dismissively, wanting to go back several months. “Not really.”
I knew why I had lied, but now it all sounded so stupid.
When Tillie had asked me about Lucy, I should have just told her the truth. It had never been a secret that I’d had a lot of experience with most of the girls around here.
When I was with Lucy, it wasn’t anything special. We had been fuck buddies. Plain and simple. It had been a mutual agreement. It hadn’t tied us to each other or anything. I had slept with other people and so had she. It had been a bonus when it came to away games as she had always been there being one of our cheerleaders. Towards the end of the previous year, she had begun to get clingy and stopped sleeping around. She’d said she had wanted it to be only me.
I had been a manwhore. I hadn’t had the time to dedicate to one woman, especially not when I could get it elsewhere. I’d ended it and that was that. Game over. She went away and that was the end of it. Starting the new year of school, I’d expected it to remain like that. She’d do her thing; I’d do mine. No way did I want to become settled with one woman.
But then Tillie happened.
She’d changed the scoreboard completely.
I had become hooked on one girl and was determined to win her over. I’d just never expected to be the one that would get so hooked on one person. Falling for Tillie was natural. She had made it so easy to fall in love with her. I no longer knew where I started, and she began.
Fucking load of good that did me when she was now hours away from me on her own.
&n
bsp; Tillie was smart and strong, but she also wore her heart on her sleeve. She showed her emotions all too clearly at times and it killed me that I couldn’t be there to kiss her problems away. She had pulled away completely and wouldn’t even give me a chance to explain. Not that I blamed her.
“Well, get your ass out of bed.” Sammy threw the ball at me, hitting me on my stomach. “Slouching in bed isn’t going to get her back.” He walked away.
No sympathy here, I guess.
Getting out of bed, I dragged myself downstairs. I couldn’t let my grades slip otherwise I’d lose my scholarship. Sitting on the steps outside, I began setting out my outline for my marketing project. It most likely didn’t make any sense, but I couldn’t care less.
Looking across the street, I saw Joy in her garden, most likely tending to her green plants.
Setting my book down, I remembered back to the day when we had gone over her color charts. I never had done that work for her. My life had become so centred around my one special girl that everything else just fell by the wayside.
I changed into an old tee and joggers, quickly grabbing the photo of the two of us that I kept on my desk. I smiled, my eyes filling at the memory. I had been bored at the time, so I’d pulled my phone out, planning to take our picture. I smiled at the way she’d turned her head at the last minute, kissing my cheek. I planned to leave this in her room, needing her to have a piece of us.
I couldn’t give her up.
I made my way across the street, eager to see her.
“Hello, Johnny.” Joy turned toward me, smiling. “I was wondering when you were going to come over and say hello.”
“I wasn’t sure if I was welcome.” I looked up to Tillie’s window. “Is she…?”
“No.” She shook her head. “You’re always welcome, Johnny. She’ll be coming home soon.”
“Has she… Is she okay?” Half of me didn’t want the answer whereas the other half of me was begging for any details.
“She sounded better than when she left. The both of you obviously need to have a sit down and talk.” She cocked her eyebrow at me. “And to be honest.”
I nodded, taking the verbal bashing. I knew I’d fucked up. I didn’t need anyone to tell me.
“You were perfect for her, Johnny.” She took my hand, resting it on top of the wall in between us. “I know you can make it up to her.”
“I will try my hardest, Joy.” I sighed, blowing out a deep breath. “She’s all that I think about.”
“Just be the Johnny she fell in love with, sweetie.” She smiled, squeezing my hand before leaving me to go back inside.
I nodded, taking in her words. “Do you still need some DIY done?”
“Of course.” She waved me in and wrapped her arm around me. “I already have the paint. Right upstairs.”
I nodded, following her up and letting her show me what colors she’d like where.
A few hours later, the walls were finally done in a fresh, coffee color. I wandered into Tille’s room that was full of the smell of strawberries and vanilla, inhaling her scent. I walked over to her desk, smiling at the different sketches littered on her desk. She had sketches of various landscapes and a mix of drawings of the people in her life.
“Johnny!” Joy called up the stairs. “Is everything okay?”
I nodded to myself, taking our photo out of my trouser pocket. I leaned it against her pencil pot, hoping she would value it. I needed her like air and I hoped this photograph would bring her home to me.
Walking back to the house, I took my college work up to my room, shutting the door and attempting to lock the world out.
The next morning, I crawled out of bed, wanting to put off another day of college but I knew my grades would suffer. Walking across campus, I could feel the stares and whispers. They felt like a blowtorch on the back of my neck. Shaking my head, I jogged toward the field, eager to get to practice. Taking my anger out on some of the younger players might make the day better.
Sitting on the bench that the reserves usually sat on during game time, I rested my elbows on my knees. I kept my back to the stands where Tillie usually sat when she came to watch us. I tensed when I felt a pair of hands slide over my shoulders.
“You’re looking awfully lonely by yourself, Johnny,” Lucy cooed to me. “Anything I can do to make it better?” She pressed herself against my back, her lips right by my cheek.
“Get the fuck off me.” I pushed away from the bench. I didn’t want her nasty self anywhere near me. “You’ve taken enough from me.”
She giggled, swinging her hips from side to side. She was dressed in her cheerleader outfit, looking as slutty as ever. What the fuck did I ever see in her?
“She’s easily replaceable.” Her lip curled in disgust. “She never deserved to even stand and breathe the same air as us.” Her lips turned into a disgusting smile.
I stalked toward her, glaring down at her. “Tillie is worth ten of you.” I shook my head. “I’m the one that never deserved her.”
I turned away, grabbing my helmet and running on to the field, spending the next hour doing plays and tackles.
Walking from the showers, I stood by my locker, grabbing my watch. The muscles in my back were aching, but that training session was needed.
My phone beeped with a simple text message from Bex. She hadn’t spoken to me since sending me on my way the night before Tillie left home.
She’s home
That one message sent a thrill of excitement through me before the nerves quickly followed. She may have been home but that didn’t mean she wanted me anywhere near her. I would do whatever it would take to get her to talk to me, but it had to be on her terms. I’d put her through enough shit and I just needed her to talk to me.
I didn’t bother replying. What could I say that would make it right? Nothing. Changing into my tee and jeans, I tossed my wet towel into the hamper and grabbed my bag.
After the walk home, I chuckled when I saw Sammy and Logan make their way across the street to Joy’s. A shot of jealousy went through me. I had no right to be jealous of the boys getting to see her. They weren’t the ones who’d fucked up their only chance with their dream girl.
Walking inside, I boiled some rice, grilling some chicken to go with it. Sitting in the kitchen, I looked over the plays for the next game scribbled in my book. I was trying to get the coach to give Sammy and Logan a chance on the field. Chunk felt they needed more practice, but I hoped that I was slowly getting through to him.
About an hour later, the front door slammed before Logan’s laughter echoed through to the kitchen. I grinned at him. He was so relaxed and carefree. I’d kill to be more like that.
Flicking through my law text book, I looked up at Sammy before going back to my notes. Keeping to myself would make sure I wouldn’t ask for details like a desperate man. Right?
Logan uncapped a few bottles of beer, putting one on the table for me.
I took a few gulps, hoping it would ease some of the tension. It didn’t. I still felt knots deep in my shoulders.
“This is for you,” Sammy said, hesitantly. He placed an envelope on the table with my name written in Tillie’s cursive handwriting. My hand shook as I picked it up. He patted me on the shoulder and left the room.
Collecting my stuff, I went up to my room, shutting the door.
Opening the letter, I took a deep breath before reading her words.
“Johnny. I’m sorry I left town so abruptly and without saying goodbye. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. The thought of you with Lucy, it breaks me. What I had with you—what I gave to you—I never thought I would ever love anyone the way that I loved you. You took everything in my life and made it special. I know you didn’t cheat on me, but you lied to me. I don’t know which is worse. It hurts that it was so easy for you to do. I’m trying to find that place. The place in between. I feel like there are two of you: the Johnny that lied to me and the Johnny that loved me unconditionally. I’m trying to merge them into
one person, but I can’t. I know we need to talk, but I’m scared—scared that you’ll hurt me more, scared that you’ll reject me and scared that I’ll have to walk away. My daddy told me that if you loved someone, you loved them. There is no wrong or right. I want you to be right. I want to be your missing piece the way you are mine. I still love you. I just need time. Tillie x
My heart broke reading her words. My actions had completely crushed her and made her question everything. I couldn’t even blame Lucy. She was a stirrer, but she hadn’t done anything to Tillie. Instead, my stupid mouth had.
Standing at my window, I looked across the street and smiled when I saw her sitting at her window. I ached to go to her, but it had to be her. She had to be the one to make the first move. If I went now, I’d only push her away.
Shaking my head, I grabbed the ball she had given me for Christmas and lay down. Inhaling her scent was a mix of pure heaven and hell. I was stuck in between both now. Waiting for her to decide her path was the worst torture of all. I just hope she’d choose the path that I was on, where I would stay waiting for her, no matter how long it took.
19
Tillie
Getting back into town, I felt a little lighter than when I left. I smiled thinking back to the father/daughter talk I’d had before leaving. We had cooked a delayed Christmas dinner. We always used turkey and this one had been no different.
I moved the sprouts around my plate with my fork, refusing to eat them.
“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong? You haven’t been right since arriving.” He frowned at me, looking frustrated. “I’m not psychic or female and I can’t help unless you say something.”
“It’s nothing.” I shook my head. There was no way I could tell him about Johnny.
He cocked an eyebrow at me, not accepting that answer.
“It’s a boy.” I rolled my eyes. “We kind of broke up.”
“What does ‘kind of’ mean?” He looked even more confused. “Do I need to get my shot gun?”
