by Claire Adams
Chapter Six
But the next morning, I knew that I wasn’t ready to press the president for his assistance. God, not yet. Too much was riding on the next week’s campaign processes. I had to put my head down, to root myself in this cause.
I brushed my teeth ravenously at the bathroom sink, listening as Rachel sang in her own shower, down the hall. I felt like we were growing apart, in a way: simply because she found herself rooted in a sort of happiness, even as I swept along, floating in a sea of misunderstanding and sadness and threats.
I brought my arms through my blazer and sniffed up toward the ceiling, smelling someone baking bread, somewhere far off in the building. It could be a plain, uneventful day, if I worked for it. I could make this day work to my favor. If only I kept my head down. If only I asked only the appropriate questions and didn’t push any topics further than they needed to go. If only I kept my clothes on my body this time around, rather than falling into Xavier’s naked arms. I could do this. I could be strong.
I stood in the shadow of the White House, my heart beating only for Xavier—the powerful man who had claimed this house as his own. In the back, I knew that the Rose Garden continued to squirm in its brown and grey colors on this near-November day. God, in just a year, we’d be weeks away from the election. In just a year, I knew that so much would have changed.
But where would our relationship be? What would we be to each other?
I lifted myself into the shell of the White House, preparing myself for the 10 o’ clock meeting, at which I knew I would be faced with both Jason and Xavier. I could get through it. I had my notes, my critiques for the way the entire campaign was being handled. I knew how to work a room. I’d been doing so since the age of eight, after all. However, something about having both of them in the room at the same time—both of them with different utilizations for me, for my body—made me queasy.
I sat at my desk in the West Wing, casually making notes and dreaming about a different kind of future—a future in which I would make political strides, without worrying about anything that anybody held above my head.
But being a woman, I knew, this would be an eternal struggle. Every woman I knew of in Congress had struggled on their path to the top. Without masculinity, without grey hair and those twinkling, age-old eyes, it was difficult to find the trust of the American people. I knew I would have trouble as well.
Suddenly, a girl appeared before my desk, leaning down toward me and meeting my eyes. She broke my reverie. I erupted up, bouncing in my chair. “Yes. What is it?” I asked her, my eyes large.
She blinked back. “I’m sorry to—um—interrupt you.” She peered down at the papers before me, at the fact that I’d been gazing off into space. “I just wanted to remind you that you have your meeting with both Jason and the President of the United States in a mere—well. Five minutes ago.” She swallowed, blinking toward me.
I shook my head, unable to comprehend what she was saying. I grabbed my notebook, realizing that two hours had passed, during which I hadn’t done a single thing but glide on my thoughts, on my dreams. I didn’t have time to prepare myself any longer. It was just me and the boys: me and my archenemy, and me and the man I loved—who was also, incidentally, another man who could ruin my life and my career, completely.
I pushed into the room, appearing before a long, wooden table. There, sitting on either side of the table, I found both Jason and Xavier. I blinked toward them, bringing my hand in the air. I held a pen, and it jolted starkly vertical. “I’m so sorry,” I murmured then. “I was caught up in a phone call.” My lie hung in the air, but neither of the men before me seemed to notice it. Instead, they seemed to be glaring at each other. Xavier’s eyes were especially penetrating, making Jason move this way, then that in his chair. He looked queasy.
“You didn’t start without me, I hope?” I asked them, trying to make my voice bright. I gulped as they didn’t say anything, as they allowed my sentence to die away.
Finally, Xavier turned his head toward me. The awkwardness was building. “Jason here was just telling me the great strides he’s been making with several congressmen. Including some of the Republicans.”
I nodded, knowing about Jason’s friendliness with some of the men we’d formerly not counted on as allies. My eyes drifted toward Jason. “That’s essential, Jason. Thank you.” I made a small note on my notepad, trying to waltz through the tension without falling away.
But suddenly, Xavier had begun to glare at Jason once more. This one, single comment had paved the road toward nothing at all. I peered down at my notes, trying to create a dialogue. We were meant to be in this meeting for a full hour. I knew the press would be waiting outside—that they usually liked to know how long each meeting lasted, for their records. If a meeting ran long or short, they generally speculated about the issue at hand. Was someone disagreeing? Were plans changed? Thus, we would have to remain there, in the tension, for another 55 minutes.
I swallowed.
Xavier’s eyes continued their terrorizing glare toward Jason. And all the while, I felt Jason’s eyes toward me. They were creepy, strange—as they had been the previous day beneath the tree. The moments seemed to pass with surreal tension.
I remembered a different time—a time in which both of the men before me had pretended, at least, to like each other, to appreciate each other. I longed for that time once more. I cleared my throat, but this didn’t distract Xavier’s uneasy glare. This didn’t detract from Jason’s creepy, near grin that faced ever toward me.
I turned my face toward the clock. “Is there anything either of you would like to get out of the way, regarding the campaign?” I began, my voice mouse-like. “Personally, I believe it’s going rather well. Rather well indeed.”
But neither of them spoke. The clock ticked along, leaving us there together. I couldn’t believe that the man on the other side of the table was the man I was supposed to be in love with—the man I had supposedly devoted myself to. And all the while, it seemed that Jason challenged that love. His eyebrows were high, seemingly asking the question: “You’ll give it all up for this sucker?” At the same time, his belly protruded over his waist. His belt fell in around his crotch. He was a mess of a man, an evil man.
Finally, the clock struck. I jerked myself from the seat and thanked them both for their time. My words were icy. I wanted to tell Xavier exactly what I thought of him in that moment, but I knew that with Jason there, I couldn’t emit a single peep. I spun on my heels and roped myself out of the office. The press began to question us on both sides as we escalated from the room.
“How is the campaign coming along?”
“Mr. President, do you regret hiring someone so young and inexperienced?”
“Jason, how does it feel to be bypassed as campaign manager, and you having so much more experience?”
I snarled at most of the people as we passed them, wishing I was anywhere else. Just a few feet away from the West Wing offices, however, I suddenly felt a firm hand on my elbow. I wheeled around, noting that the cameramen had roped themselves around the president in the previous hallway. It was just Jason and I, then.
“What do you want?” I spat at him, my anger from the previous day growing in my chest.
He laughed for a moment, placing his hand on his stomach. “Oh, darling. I just want to talk to you. Just the two of us.” Suddenly, he shoved me into a small office, right off from the stairwell. I’d never been in the cruel, cold room—with only a single desk off to the side. I shivered and grabbed at my elbows, blinking up toward him.
“What do you want?” I hissed. I could still hear the gruff voice of the president down the hall, explaining his trajectory for education in the United States. In the back of my mind, I congratulated him—this was precisely right for the campaign. But God: if he could just come swiftly, come and save me!
Jason took a step closer to me. His breath was riding hot and solid on my nose, making me feel queasy. “I feel that we have an u
nfinished conversation from yesterday,” he murmured. “I’m sure you went running to your little boyfriend about it. I could just feel his hatred for me in that meeting. Couldn’t you feel it?” Jason brought his fingers up to my cheek then, and laced them down my skin, across my lips. I shivered, hating him with every element of my heart, my soul.
“Can’t you imagine a world in which everything isn’t about you?” I spat at him, shaking my head. I wanted to wrap my hands around his neck, to make him feel as frightened as he’d made me feel the previous day. But I knew it was impossible—that that kind of fear was personal.
Jason laughed, bringing his fat, sausage link fingers to his belly. He shook his head, wiping at the tears that protruded down his face. “I suppose not!” he answered, his voice so honest.
Suddenly, the door swung open, at the far end of the grey and stark room. I brought my hands around my chest, worrying, for a moment, that Jason had brought back up. However, my heart began to beat ravenously in my chest as I realized the truth.
There, standing in the light of the doorway, stood Xavier. He wore a grimace on his face; anger traced itself in his eyes. He turned his eyes toward me and didn’t reveal a hint of passion, of lust. And then, he turned toward Jason.
“Jason. I need to see you in the Oval Office.”
Jason nodded, his smile bright. “Just as soon as Miss Martin and I are finished with our meeting,” he said primly.
Xavier turned his head toward me. “Miss Martin. Have you sufficiently wrapped up what you want to say to Jason?”
I swallowed, knowing that the words I actually wanted to say to Jason were crude, were inspired by an inner anger that I’d never before seen. But I nodded my head slowly, knowing that I was sending Jason off to a different kind of punishment, to something that I—in my current, low status in the political realm—could never understand. “I’m all done, Mr. President,” I said sweetly. I blinked up at Jason, watching as his face fell before me.
Jason spun his head back toward the president. My heart was beating so fast, telling me alternately that I was doing the right thing, that I wasn’t doing the right thing. I was allowing Xavier to take over my problems—for the first time. But this entire situation had escalated out of my control. I couldn’t measure it anymore; I couldn’t read it the way I was meant to. And thus: I needed to hand it off to the man I loved, the only man I knew who was strong enough to take Jason and bend him back, till he snapped.
I tapped into the hallway and peered left, toward the Oval Office. Two Secret Service men held Jason’s arms behind his back as they swept toward the office. Xavier led the tide. A wave of emotion escalated over me, making me feel that—finally—Xavier could take care of me. Finally, he understood that my strength, my vitality only went so far. That this was what it meant to be in a couple. That you were meant to support each other, through thick and thin.
Perhaps, in a way, this rooted me further in my desire for him. Sure, my concerns for my future rang true. But I righted myself and flung my brunette hair around my shoulders, walking back into the West Wing office. I smashed my hand against the board at the helm of the room and announced to the great campaign team—the campaign team that I’d earned, that I was in charge of:
“Listen, team. We have one year to make this president stick. One solid year to make everything count.” I paused, breathing heavily. The moment had become all too much. “Make the President of the goddamned United States proud.”
Suddenly, I flung my papers, my folders, my binders into the air. They soared high. The entire campaign team skirted up from their desks and flung their hands together in an enormous applause. Their eyes were wide toward me.
Chapter Seven
In the moments after I knew that Jason was in the Oval Office, speaking with the president about God-knows-what, I sat at my desk, waiting. I clenched my hands together, dreaming about this future in which I didn’t have to feel that Jason was watching my every move, a camera in his hand. It all seemed too good to be true.
I attempted to work on the campaign. I brought my fingers to the keyboard, ready to send out email after email; ready to push forward, toward my dreams of becoming a successful campaign manager. However, my brain was dripping with other thoughts. How could I feel normal?
I left the White House and swept down to the Rose Garden then. I felt my feet tap-tap-tapping beneath me, and I felt my heart escalating when I passed the Oval Office. I knew that the walls were far too thick, that I would never hear the sounds of men screaming out presidential secrets.
I found myself once more in the grey of the once-Rose Garden. I wrapped myself in my coat and peered over the grounds, feeling a sense of solace. I wanted to do something with my hands then, and I turned toward the hallway, knowing that I would find a Secret Service agent there. This one, I knew.
“Benny,” I hissed. “Benny!”
The agent darted his head toward me, surprised. He raised one eyebrow toward me.
“Do you have a cigarette?” I asked him. I hadn’t smoked in years—not since college. But I needed something to calm me down, to keep me grounded.
Benny reached into his pocket and brought out a pack of Camels. He tossed them to me, and I caught them in my delicate fingers. I twirled a lighter. “Do you want one?” I asked him. I felt my words as they escalated—so sultry—from my mouth.
But Benny waved his hand. He couldn’t, he explained. This was his post. If he abandoned it, all hell could break loose.
I understood.
I twirled back to the Rose Garden and lit the stick in my mouth, taking a deep, penetrating drag. The nicotine seemed already to course through my body, to my fingers and my toes. It made me feel alive in a way I hadn’t felt in many, many months. In that moment, I knew that I wouldn’t have to worry about Jason again. Ever again. I started taking tiny jumps, even in my heels on that muddy terrain. Yes. Yes. I felt my knees bend with each jump. Yes.
I stumped out the cigarette halfway through, not wanting the smell to course through my hair, my lips for the rest of the day. Something about the moment, there beneath the grey sky, reminded me of a different Amanda—an Amanda of my past. A girl who’d ached for success; a girl who was sure she knew how to get it. I had to do everything for this girl, I knew. I had to continue to stride forward, sure of myself (and of her), in order to please my internal self. I couldn’t let my past self—the one who had strained and worked and stressed continually—down.
After I stumped out the cigarette, I entered the White House once more. I nodded toward Benny with a secret smile, and he returned it. I scaled the steps knowing that I had several more hours of work left before I could return home, before I could think the events of the day through. I passed a member of the press as I walked down the hallway, and she nearly grabbed me with her excitement. “Is it true the president—”
But I didn’t allow my ears to hear her penetrating words. I was far too distracted. For suddenly, standing before me, looking wide-eyed, shocked, was Jason. His white business shirt was untucked all the way now. The tails swept around his knees. His tie was loose and crooked, and his face was red and splotched. My heart dipped into my stomach when I saw him. What had Xavier done to him?
Jason’s eyes darted down, below my eyes. I wanted to say something to him, in that moment—something saucy, something that initiated my win. But I couldn’t find the words. Instead, after a small moment’s hesitation in which we just half-looked at each other, with a reporter screaming into our ears, we went by each other like ships in the night.
I nearly shook with the intensity of the previous moment. I couldn’t believe how terrible Jason had looked. God, he’d tormented me in so many ways, both physically and emotionally. But it still hurt to see a man fall so far. Xavier must have said something to him, done something to him. He must have threatened him within an inch of his life. This Xavier, I reminded myself, was the same man who initiated drone strikes, who signed off on major wars. I shivered, thinking of our nation
’s past—the things that Xavier COULD feasibly change as president, and the things he would never be able to. Not without incredible reform.
I paused at the doorway of the West Wing offices, looking out over the sea of heads, each of them busy with the impending campaign. I brought my fingers to my lips and wiped them, trying to think through this terrifying time. I knew that I didn’t want Jason’s reputation to be ruined. I didn’t want his life to be over. I wanted him to continue on in his political career. Certainly nowhere near me, of course. He hadn’t technically ruined Xavier and I, although he’d had his finger on the trigger the entire time.
I swallowed, feeling myself growing lost in my thoughts. I knew that the afternoon meeting was drawing forward, in which I would be required to address several members of our campaign team, alongside both Jason and Xavier. The men—who’d clearly fought like children in a playground earlier that morning—would be hard to handle. I knew they would be.
But beyond anything else, I knew that Xavier had won.
I knew that Jason would refrain from ruining us.
And I knew that I still had so much to maneuver, so much to discuss with the president.
As much as I just wanted him to wrap his thick, firm arms around me, to assure me that everything was okay, I knew I needed to cleanse my rushing mind and find a truth for our relationship—a path down which we could walk, hand in hand, while still meeting each of our personal, political goals.
In many ways, I knew that in this pending conversation, I had to assure Xavier that I was his equal. That I wasn’t to be thought of as less than. That my wants and needs were powerful—that I wouldn’t turn them away.
Finally, I watched as the relevant campaign team rose from their seats, ready to proceed toward the afternoon meeting. I clapped my hands, more trying to wake myself up than anything else. “All right, team. I hope you’ve all grabbed your statistics from the previous day?”
