by E. L. Todd
“Yeah,” she agreed.
“It’s what I’ve been working my whole life for…”
“But isn’t Cayson more important?” she whispered.
“Of course he is,” I said immediately.
She stared at me for a long time, watching the sadness in my eyes. “Then you need to have this conversation with him…not me.”
I nodded but kept my eyes glued to the table. This wasn’t a conversation that could be resolved immediately. I knew it would push us and hurt us. Our relationship would be tested.
And I was scared.
***
I waited for Cayson to come over, feeling nervous. I wasn’t sure what to say. How would I bring it up? What would he say? The anxiety was killing me.
He finally walked through the door and pocketed the key I gave him. “Hey, beautiful.” He headed to the couch and looked at me.
I sat on the couch, my knees pulled to my chest, and stared at him.
Cayson studied my body language, and then concern moved into his eyes. “What’s wrong?”
I didn’t move from the couch. “Sit.”
He eyed me for a moment, concern deep in his eyes. He suddenly became guarded and tense, preparing for whatever I was about to say. He slowly moved to the couch then sat beside me, his eyes glued to my face. He patiently waited for me to speak first, immediately on the defense.
“Cayson, why did you lie to me?”
The only reaction he gave me was the dilation of his eyes. He blinked and his eyes return to normal. “I’m not sure of your meaning.”
“I know you got into Stanford…and all the other colleges you applied to.”
A quiet breath escaped his lungs and he looked away, staring at the hardwood floor beneath his feet. After he held his silence he turned back to me. “How did you know?”
“I saw the letters in your nightstand.”
“And why were you looking in my nightstand?” There was no accusation, just curiosity.
“I was looking for Aspirin when I spotted a sentence from the Stanford letter, saying you were accepted—with a full ride.”
He didn’t deny it or make excuses. He leaned back into the couch and rested his ankle on his knee, his expression blank and difficult to decipher. He closed off from me, hiding his heart as well as his mind.
“Cayson, talk to me.”
He held his silence for minutes, his jaw clenched tight.
“And you didn’t get into New York…”
He turned in my direction slightly. “No. No, I didn’t…”
“Cayson, I can’t let you do this.”
Cayson looked at me, his full attention directed at my face. “What?”
“Give up your dream school just for me.”
He sighed then looked away, clearly annoyed and irritated. “Which is why I lied to you.”
“You should have told me and talked to me, not make this enormous decision on your own.”
“It’s mine to make,” he said quietly.
“Cayson, this is crazy.”
Emotion broke his cold exterior. “Living without you is crazy. I won’t do it. I’ll apply again next year and attend NYU.”
“NYU is a decent school but it’s not Stanford,” I snapped. “If you want to do Doctors Without Borders you need to be at the best school.”
“You think I’m not aware of that?” he snapped.
“Don’t you realize how crazy you sound?”
“Yes,” he snarled. “I’m fully aware of it. But I won’t change my mind.”
“But—”
“Would you consider a long-distance relationship?” He turned his burning gaze onto me. “Would you?”
He had me cornered. “Cayson, we both know they never work…couples always resent each other down the road, and then they break up. I don’t want that to happen to us. We can’t risk our friendship, the thing we agreed that would always be unconditional. That’s not an option.”
He rubbed the back of his neck and sighed. “Then there’s no other option. Because I’m not letting you walk away.”
I didn’t want to offer this, but I couldn’t let Cayson make the sacrifice. My dad would be disappointed in me, but I could make him proud later. Everyone was relying on me, but I couldn’t let that dictate my decisions. “I’ll move there.”
Surprise flashed across his eyes. “To California?”
“Yeah…”
“And do what?” he snapped. “Work as an intern somewhere and slowly work your way up? Be someone’s assistant for three years until you actually make a decent wage? Be someone’s bitch? We both know you’re above that, Skye. You belong with your father, running the company that belonged to you the moment you could speak your first words. I’m not going to let you sacrifice that…which is why I lied to you to begin with.
“If I stay in New York, I can volunteer at the hospital and clinics and still improve my resume then apply again next year. This time I’ll apply to more schools nearby so we can be together. It makes more sense for me to stay to keep us together.”
I shook my head. “But that’s not fair.”
“So what?” His voice was cold. “Life isn’t fair. I’ve been thinking about this for six months. When I had my interview, that’s when the thoughts started. I kept going back and forth, trying to figure out a way I could get everything I want. The more I thought about it and the more I fell in love with you, the more I realized I couldn’t possibly leave you. We’re staying together. End of story.”
I crossed my arms over my chest while I thought about what he said. “But you’ve wanted to go to Stanford since junior high.”
“And I’ve wanted to marry you my whole life. Which is more important, Skye? Where I go to school or whom I spend my life with? If you were some other girl who didn’t mean anything to me, I’d pick Stanford in a heartbeat. But you’re my soul mate, you’re my one and only.”
“Your parents will be so disappointed…”
“You think I care? It’s my decision, not theirs.”
“But what if you don’t get into Doctors Without Borders?”
“There are tons of Americans who are lacking the healthcare they need. There’s plenty to do in my own backyard. I can still help people. And I will.”
I stared at the opposite wall and tried to control my breathing. I didn’t know what to do.
Cayson kept his silence and didn’t touch me, staying on the opposite side of the couch. We were so close together but so distant at the same time. If I was going to be honest, I didn’t want Cayson to leave. I wanted him to stay so I could see him every day and be this happy forever. I wanted to have him and the company at the same time. He would get into medical school next year and still achieve his goal. But I knew it wasn’t what he really wanted. But being selfish, I accepted it.
We sat in the dark for nearly an hour. Neither one of us spoke. When I got cold, I pulled a blanket over my legs.
Neither one of us were mad at each other, but we didn’t want to be close either.
Finally, Cayson turned to me. “Skye?”
His words echoed in my mind before I turned to him. “Yes?”
He stared at me, emotion in his eyes. “I don’t have any regrets. And I don’t resent you. This is what I want. I’m making the decision on my own. Believe me, this isn’t an impulse. I’ve talked to Slade about it several times. I’m sure.”
“I…I just…feel terrible. I want you to go but…I also want you to stay.” I couldn’t believe I said that out loud.
He scooted closer to me. “I want to stay, Skye. I’m not lying.”
“But you’re giving up so much for me…”
“You’re worth it.” He pulled me into his lap then held me close. “Absolutely worth it.” He pressed his face close to mine. “I wouldn’t have it any other way. This is what we’re doing.”
I knew I should argue and fight. I knew I should force him to go. But instead, I curled up in his chest and closed my eyes, being selfish and weak.
But happy at the same time.
Chapter Eleven
Cayson
The conversation with Skye went better than I thought it would. She cornered me when I had no idea what was coming, and I expected our relationship to take a turn for the worse.
But we survived.
I knew she wouldn’t let me give up my dream easily. I had to logically debate her and make her accept the decision. Because there was no way in hell I’d make her go to California and twirl her thumbs together while I became a doctor. She was meant to be in New York, doing what she loved with her parents by her side. When her parents left her apartment months ago, she turned to me and asked, full of tears, if we could live in Connecticut. So how could I force her to move so far away?
I couldn’t.
Not going to Stanford sucked. It did. But it wasn’t the end of the world. I’d be busy working in a lab and volunteering at the hospital, applying my degree and strengthening my resume at the same time. It put me back by a year, but it also secured a lifetime with Skye.
In the end, I won.
Slade cornered me on campus. “I heard through the grapevine Skye found out the truth…”
I nodded. “Yeah.”
Slade studied me warily. “Is everything okay…?”
“Yeah, Skye and I talked about it.”
“And what was said?” he asked hesitantly.
“We argued for a while, but I told her it made more sense for me to stay than for her to follow me. She agreed, wordlessly.”
“She offered to come with you?”
I nodded.
“Why didn’t you accept?” he demanded.
“Because it would be wrong—and totally selfish.”
“By that argument, she’s being totally selfish,” he spat.
“No, she’s not. She told me to go but I refused. I said I was staying and nothing she said would change my mind.”
He smirked. “So…you’re staying in New York…for sure?”
I nodded and smiled.
He threw his fist into the air. “Yes! This is awesome!”
I laughed. “I’m glad you’re excited.”
“We should get a place together,” he blurted. “We can hang out all the time.”
“And listen to you and Trinity go at it during the night?” I asked incredulously. “No thanks…”
“Well, how about we get apartments right next to each other?” he asked. “That would work.”
I put my arm around his shoulder and walked with him. “Let’s work out the kinks later.”
“Dude, Trinity was so pissed at me when she found out.”
“Why would she be mad at you?” I asked.
“Because I knew about everything but I didn’t tell her.”
I rolled my eyes. “If Skye asked her to keep a secret about me, she wouldn’t say anything to you.”
“That’s what I said!” He shook his head. “You’re the only one who really understands me.”
“I know,” I said with a sigh.
“Dude, after finals we need to party hard. Life in New York is going to be fucking awesome. The police are going to be on a first name basis with us.”
“Why…?” Did I really want to know?
“They’ll be busting us for being too loud and causing too much trouble.”
I laughed and didn’t correct him.
“Dude, our lives are just beginning. And we have so much ahead of us.”
He was right about that. Now that Skye knew the truth and she accepted my decision, the weight on my heart had been removed. I didn’t regret not choosing Stanford. I had a whole life ahead of me, full of Skye and my friends. Life was good and I couldn’t complain about a single thing. “We do.”
***
The next time I saw Skye, she was exactly as she was before the conversation. She was happy and excited, ready to move onto the next stage of her life. The glow on her face made me feel warm. I was happy and so was she.
She snuggled closer to me, straddling my hips while I sat on the couch. “It’s nice to see you happy again.”
“Well, I was getting a lot more sex when I was sad…”
She chuckled. “Are you saying I’m not pleasing you enough?”
I rubbed my nose against hers. “Maybe…”
“Well, I guess I’ll have to change that.”
My hands dug into her ass then I squeezed. “I’ll pay extra if I have to.”
She swatted my arm playfully. “Are you calling me a whore?”
“No. I’m calling you my personal courtesan.”
“That sounds a little better…”
“So, I was thinking...” My hands moved to her waist and I held her in place.
“Yes?” She had a playful look in her eyes.
“You want to get a place together? Places in the city are expensive, and since we’ll be sleeping at each other’s place all the time, it would be a good way to save money. But that’s just an excuse.”
“You want to live with me?” she asked in surprise. “Despite all the hair I leave in the sink and the shower? Even though I need to have the bed perfectly made even if you’re still sleeping in it? Despite the fact I talk and laugh in my sleep?” Hair fell past her ear and touched my neck. Her eyes were bright and stunning, beautiful.
“I think I can look past all your annoying habits…”
“My annoying habits?” she asked incredulously. “Why do you always throw your dirty boxers on the ground? You have a hamper—use it. And why don’t you ball up your pairs of socks before you put them in the drawer? That way you won’t lose them. And why do you always have to do the dishes the second you finish eating. Just let them sit in the sink. It’s called soaking.”
I smirked, feeling my love for her grow. “I’ll make you a deal. I’ll let your habits go if you let mine go. What do you say?”
She rubbed her chin while she studied me. “Hmm…”
I growled while I pulled her closer to me. “Don’t make me beg.”
“No, I’m gonna,” she said with a giggle.
“Skye Preston, please live with me. Please come home to me every night. And please be there every morning when I wake up.”
Her eyes softened as she studied me. Then she cupped my face and gave me a long kiss. “You convinced me.”
“That was easy.”
“You want me to draw it out?” she snapped.
I tightened my hold on her. “No. But I was going to force you to move in with me anyway. So your answer really didn’t matter.”
“You couldn’t force me to do anything,” she said fiercely.
“You wanna bet?” I asked. I moved her to the couch then crawled on top of her, pinning her down with my large body. Once I pressed my lips to hers, she was mine. She didn’t push me away. Like a stick of butter left on the counter, she melted underneath me, her legs wrapping around my waist. “That’s what I thought.”
Chapter Twelve
Skye
As graduation approached, my happiness increased. Cayson and I would be moving in together, finding a nice apartment in the city. He would come home every night and have dinner with me. When I woke up in the morning, his large body would be beside me, snoring quietly. It wouldn’t be long until he asked for my hand, and then we would get our happily ever after, the kind my mom always told me about.
So what was this feeling? Pain thudded deep in my chest whenever I was alone. When I thought about Cayson turning his back on Stanford, I felt tense and sick. I remembered conversations from our youth. Even at a young age, Cayson said it’s where he would train to be a doctor. He told me about all his trips to South Guinea working with children who needed treatment. He said it was his greatest dream to make the world a better place.
Not only was I denying Cayson his dream, but I was denying the world of him and everything he could do. I was hurting everyone. No one gained anything from this arrangement but me. I got to keep him, to share my life with him every day. I was being selfish, thinking about
how this benefited me. I couldn’t move to California for him, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t go without me.
My happiness was artificial and weak. I guess I couldn’t enjoy it fully knowing what Cayson sacrificed for it to happen. He said he didn’t resent not going to Stanford. He said he believed in his decision, that it was what he wanted.
But was it what he needed?
My mind was buzzing in confusion. I just wanted to be happy and let it play out but something was holding me back. Human emotions were complex and hard to understand. But I think I understood mine—for the most part.
Cayson walked inside my apartment. “Strip poker—just you and me.” He shuffled the cards in his hands, not using a table.
I smiled at him then placed my suitcase on the couch.
He eyed it. “Where are you running off to?”
“To see my parents.”
“Oh, I don’t remember you mentioning it to me.” He eyed me suspiciously, studying my face.
“Well, my dad wanted to do something with just the two of us in the city. I’ll only be gone for a few days.”
He accepted my excuse. “Well, have a good time. But I’m sad we won’t be playing a strip poker match—especially since I always win.”
“Can it wait until I get back?”
“No. But I guess it’ll have to.” He put the cards down then came to me. “I’ll miss you.” His hands hooked around my waist and he pressed his chest into my back.
“I’ll miss you too.”
He kissed my neck then pulled away. “I’ll carry this to the car for you.”
“It’s okay.”
“I insist, baby.”
I smiled then grabbed my purse and keys. We walked out together and he put my belongings into my trunk before he met me by the driver’s door. His hands moved to the car door, boxing me in. “Drive safe.”
“I will.”
He stared at my lips then back at my eyes. “I know I shouldn’t miss you when you’re gone because you’re mine forever…but I do.”
Cayson always made my heart melt when he said things like that. “I’ll miss you too…even if it’s just for a little while.”
