by Raine Miller
“Oh, Darius, I trust you. I would never betray you. I just go there to reflect. That is all.” She stood and bowed her head, moving ever closer to him.
Letting out an exasperated sigh, he did not offer consolation. “Reflect!” he scoffed. “You risk your safety outrageously! Perched on the edge of the jetty as you stand above the rough water? Why, a large wave could come and sweep you out to sea in the blink of an eye! From what I can deduce, one nearly did!”
“It’s what I deserve, really.” She mumbled the words very softly, but even so he heard.
“What?” he bellowed. “That is a gross mistruth! Marianne!”
Grabbing her by the shoulders, he shook her hard before crushing her to him in a desperate embrace. “Don’t ever say such a thing again! I find it obscene. You are more precious to me than anything!” She could feel him trembling as he clutched her and then moved her roughly to the bed.
He pushed and down she went onto the mattress, the welcoming softness in sharp contrast with his hard touch. “You are mine!” he barked, pointing, his eyes devouring her from the side of the bed where he stood. “Open your gown. Show yourself to me!” He looked positively ragged.
“All right, Darius,” she said, keeping her eyes on his blistering ones. Slowly, she began to untie her dressing gown, hoping her acquiescence might calm him a little. It didn’t. He wasn’t inclined to wait and tore it open himself after dropping to the bed with a hiss. The fine French silk fell away at such brutal treatment, exposing all of her to his ravenous gaze.
“These are mine!” Cupping her breasts, he dipped his head to cover first one and then the other, swirling over her nipples with his tongue before biting in possession. The bites were a sweet pain that he quickly soothed by following up with soft sucks and tiny licks. “Mine,” he murmured between breasts, his lips lingering over her pounding heart.
“Yes,” she moaned, arching into his mouth.
He swept his mouth down, down, down, over ribs and belly and quim. Forceful hands moved quickly to split her thighs, and then he just hovered, motionless, staring at her, almost like he was seeing her cunny for the first time. And then she felt his lips come down on her, claiming the burning slit with his tongue. Spearing into her, he teased her clit relentlessly until she felt a possessive but gentle bite there as well. “This is mine, Marianne!”
“Yes!”
Grazing teeth upon the sensitive nub of nerves sent her to dizzying heights. She bucked against the onslaught of his tongue and teeth and lips, a writhing mass of tension and building need. No matter how angry he might be, he was still good to her like this. And she was more than willing to accept the sex, the fucking, the carnality—this she could accept without censure. Accepting his love was harder on her.
She didn’t know how he sprung his cock while he was devouring her flesh, but he did somehow. And when he slid into her, hot and hard, the cry she gave was one of pure abandon. Marianne welcomed his driving cock inside her. He completed her, filled her, and satisfied her in a way she now understood, but had been wary of accepting. It didn’t take long for his fierce thrusting to push her over the edge and into that abyss of sweet oblivion.
“Yes, Darius…yesssss!”
As he rocked into her feverishly, she sought as much of him as she could possibly get inside her, gripping his hips with her heels, digging in, pressing him closer, further, deeper.
“When my cock is buried in your sweet quim it’s where it’s meant to be. Mine! Only—for—me!” He fucked into her hard, each stroke a message of dominion over her.
“I know, Darius! I give myself…to you.” Marianne welcomed every bit of him in this way. Every stroke, every lick, every suck, every bite, every kiss. And she’d gladly take it all from him.
HER words of surrender caused him to erupt violently, coming so hard there was pain through his cock when the semen shot up. On and on it surged—his ejaculating. Jets of spunk burst out of him and into her. He marked her body with his very essence. The most primal evidence of claim on a woman, by a man.
“Never risk yourself again! Never again, Marianne!” he begged, collapsing in a loose grip against her. Her solemn eyes met his as he held her face close. “I cannot lose you.” Whispering in desperation, he closed his eyes. “Please, Marianne, I know I cannot bear it if I were to lose you.”
They lay entangled and panting, his body clothed and hers naked, the musky scents of their sex hovering.
“You won’t,” she said softly.
He realized she was just trying to reassure him though. He stayed quiet, unable to vocalize, vulnerable at the thought of what had nearly happened to her, worried she might do it again, and feeling helpless to prevent it.
“I was careless and distracted. I’ll never do it again, go alone to the sea. I am so very sorry. Please forgive me, Darius?”
“Forgive you?” He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “I love…I love you. Can’t you understand? I love you, Marianne!” Anguish of the heart compressed painfully inside his chest.
She looked up into his eyes, hers full of tears, and touched his face gently. “I know you do, Darius…and I think that you shouldn’t—”
He felt excruciatingly hurt at her words, but sacrificed himself anyway. “Oh, mia cara, how could I not love you?” Her eyes glimmered at him. “You are everything I could ever want, or ever need to make my life complete.” He whispered the rest. “Marianne, I think, have always thought, and will always know, that you are someone very perfect.”
Burying her face into his chest, she rocked back and forth. “Darius, I am not—”
“I know you cannot love me back. I know, Marianne. I am well aware of what I have done to you.”
An expression of confusion crossed her features. “I was going to say, ‘I am not perfect!’ You think me perfect when I am not, Darius! Why do you always say such to me? And what is it that you believe you have done to me anyway?” She shook her head at him in question.
“I have done you wrong, Marianne. I wanted you, for so long. In my bed. To possess you. To have you. I wanted your body and your soul, so it has been for a very long time. You granted my greatest wishes when you married me and put all of that within my grasp. You gave all of yourself so freely. But I found I wanted more. More than I know you can give to me.”
“What do you want, Darius?”
“Something you do not have for me, but for another you have lost.”
“Love? You really want my love? Why do you not tell me to say it to you? I have waited for you to tell me to say the words, but you do not.”
She paused, just looking and waiting for him, her blue eyes blazing.
It made him wary. He wasn’t going to direct her on this. No. He would not. There would be no more telling her what to say, either. It hurt to do that now. He’d gambled with her and lost.
“Can you not tell me to say, ‘I love you?’” she asked. “I will give you that. I want to.”
“Not this time, dear one. Not this time.”
Tears spilled down her face. “Darius?”
“No!” he shouted. “I will not do that to you!”
“Do what? What have you done to me? I don’t understand you!” she wailed.
“Shhh.” He stroked her face, getting close up to her. “Oh, cara, it is all my fault. I coerced you—gave you no real choice in marrying me. I owned all the debt from your father for months. I planned for his eventual ruin. I called it in when you turned me down the first time. Knowing that you would be mine and I would have you finally, I did not care about the deception. Before I even knew what I was about, you had ensnared my heart in totality. I found myself in love with a woman who waited for me to tell her what to do, to say, to feel, and it quickly grew to be most unsatisfying…for my heart. I could tell you to say that you loved me, but I learned you cannot dominate a heart, Marianne. Those three words must be given freely to have meaning.” He felt his bottom lip begin to tremble. “I am sorry for what I have done, but never sorry for
loving you. Marianne, in my heart, you are master, and I am servant.” He kissed her on the forehead with one gentle kiss.
She was quiet a long time before she spoke, the silence engulfing them like a cloak. “I have to tell you something, Darius. The reason I am unworthy…the reason I am…as I am.”
“Unworthy?” How could she believe herself unworthy? “No, Marianne, please don’t say that—”
“—Darius, do you know why? Why I wanted your direction?”
“No, cara, I don’t. I just sensed it from you. And being so attracted, I was determined to have you for myself. I had to be the one to give you what you needed, and I was so desperate to win you, I would have done anything. Your father’s decline made it very easy for me, too easy, I know.”
He knew what he must ask. And he was afraid of her answer. And his heart hurt terribly. Still, he had to know. “Marianne, are you the way you are because of…Jonathan?”
Marianne gasped when the name crossed his lips. “Yes…it is because of him. He is the reason.” She got quiet again, the silence hanging, waiting for words.
Finally, she started to tell her story. “Jonathan…I failed him. I am responsible. I as good as killed him. His death is on me, and I confess it is a struggle. ’Tis why I walk on the headland sometimes, to remember him and beg his forgiveness. For my mistake.”
“Mistake?”
“Oh yes, the worst kind of error. My brother died because of me. Because of a decision I made. I was at fault, and he died for it. My whole family followed him…really.”
“Brother? Jonathan was your brother?” Darius thought his heart might leap out of his chest. Brother…He was her brother…
She nodded in reflection. “My baby brother. He was so beautiful.” She looked weary and very sad.
“I had no idea,” he breathed. “Darling, you are tired and have been through a frightening ordeal.” He kissed her ravaged hands reverently. “Your poor hands. Thank God they were able to pull you up. Precious, precious hands.” Drawing her into his arms, he found her shawl and covered her up with it. He savored the warmth of her body and the knowledge that she was safe with him now, that he had not lost her today.
Thank you, God.
“Marianne, will you tell me about Jonathan? I would like to know, if you can bear to speak of him.”
CHAPTER 15
The Unburdening
DARIUS held on to Marianne, secure in his arms, and never wanted to let go. He listened to her story…
“My father was doting and amusing when I was young. He teased me, saying I could not possibly be his little girl for being so solemn. I wanted a brother or sister so badly. When I was six years old, my wish came true, and Jonathan was born. I adored that child so much. He was beautiful, the light of our lives, but very willful.” Her voice broke. “When…he was ten, Jonathan left us, and it changed everything.”
She gave in to tears then, pressing up against his chest for comfort. Darius was grateful that she seemed to need him and gladly held her securely next to his thudding heart. After a time, he asked gently, “Can you tell me, darling? I do not know the story of your brother. I want to understand.” He waited for her to continue, patiently caressing her back.
“Jonathan went out in the rowboat with some other boys when he was expressly told ‘no’ by Papa. I surprised him behind the house when I caught him sneaking off. He pressed his fingers to his lips, begging me to keep his secret.” She shook her head. “I couldn’t deny him anything, so I didn’t expose him to Papa. They went out in the rowboat and a squall came up from nowhere. The waves capsized their boat and Jonathan was swept away—his body never found. The sea claimed him.”
“Oh, darling, I am so sorry.” Like clouds parting for the illuminating sun, Darius was finally beginning to understand his wife.
“You see, it is my fault. I should have told Papa he was leaving in the boat. Papa would have stopped him, and Jonathan would be alive still. It was an appalling mistake, and I made it. The loss of Jonathan crushed Mamma. She died but a year later, and Papa began to take to drink. I tried to care for him the best I could, but I was unable to save Papa in the end anyway. Everyone I love leaves me eventually.”
“Oh, cara, I had no idea about any of this. It happened after I left Somerset.” He kissed her on the forehead, caressing the back of her head, weaving through her hair.
“Marianne, you were but a child yourself. It was a tragic accident. Surely you see that you cannot bear the burden of guilt upon your shoulders alone?”
“I was old enough to know better, and I was afraid to tell my parents that I’d seen him and let him go. No one ever knew that part of it. If they had, they would have hated me for it. I was afraid to tell them and lose their love…and be all alone…” She broke down and sobbed in great heaves against his chest, and it was some time before she could continue. He kept stroking her softly; ever patient, knowing she’d keep going when she was able.
“’Tis why I feel unworthy of you and everything you’ve given me. ’Tis why I craved for you to tell me what to do, to think, and to feel. If you tell me, I am not responsible for decisions. I am safe. I can just float in the sensation without worry I’ll make the wrong choice. If something bad happens it won’t be my fault. Do you understand, Darius? That’s why I needed you to tell me. It gave me some solace from the burden of guilt…”
She stopped speaking, and he just held her some more, hoping like hell she could feel how much he did love her. So many things were now clear about her. The mysterious detachment, her willing submission to him, her giving nature, the difficulty in accepting demonstrations of affection and gifts from him all made sense to him now. In all things, she was trying to atone for something that couldn’t be atoned.
He spoke in a dead calm, hoping to impart reason into her opinions of herself. “I understand, Marianne, but I also know you need to let that guilt go. The burden of it is killing you slowly. It cannot help Jonathan or you. Jonathan is long at peace, and you have a life to live.” He clutched her a little tighter. “I need you, and you are most worthy, in my eyes. It changes nothing. I love you still and could never let you go anyway. You’ll have to put up with me until I go to my grave.”
It was quiet for a minute or more. Who knew? He’d bared it all. His soul was laid out raw and exposed. She had demons to conquer, and only she could banish them, really. He could love and support her, but he couldn’t bring her brother back for her or force her to let go of the guilt. The silence stretched on, and with each passing second his heart sank into deeper distress.
She pulled back from his chest and reached for his face, cradling it in both of her soft hands. He felt a flicker of hope when her beautiful lips began to speak.
“And then you came along, Darius, and loved me. Strangely, I know I have hope that I might be free now, and it’s only because of you. The accident today helped to show me how much I have to live for. I didn’t want to die. I couldn’t. So I fought to pull myself to safety with every ounce of strength I could muster. I had to live, you see, because I have two very important reasons…”
His breath caught. “Yes?”
She nodded, her blue eyes glowing beautifully. Taking his hand, she pressed it to the soft, flat plane of her stomach. “I must live so I can be mother to our child. A child I want very much. A child I will love, fiercely.”
“Dear God! You are certain?”
“Yes, Darius. You will be a father.” The look of joy on her face was worth more to him than anything save for the precious gift she was giving him by her declaration.
He bent down to whisper and kiss over her belly. “Our baby is here, growing inside you right now. Oh, you will be such a loving mother. Our sweet child is blessed, you know.”
He froze when he thought about how hard he’d just taken her and panicked. “Damnation! I was too rough with you. I am sorry, cara!” He looked up from her belly, nearly incapacitated with fear. “Did I hurt—”
“—DARIUS, I am perfectl
y well. You did not hurt me, and I like your loving me just the way you do it.” She pulled him back up from her stomach to her lips and kissed him softly. “It is very early yet, and we won’t have to worry about changing our habits for some time.”
“Just the same, I intend to take very good care of you and be ever so careful.” He smiled at her, but she could detect a slight regret in the expression.
Marianne thought she knew why. “Darius, aren’t you going to ask me?”
His eyes shuttered. “Ask you what, cara?”
“My other reason. I said I had two important reasons to live. Our baby is one reason.”
He whispered without meeting her eyes. “What is the other reason, Marianne?” His voice carried the identifiable fear to hear whatever it was, but compelled to know anyway.
His eyes stayed down as she began to speak. “Darius, I love that you make me feel cherished. I love that you want me and say I am precious to you. I love that you need my body fiercely. I love the closeness with you. I love that you want me to be the mother of your children. You’ve given all of that to me, even when I thought I shouldn’t deserve any of it. And even though it still may be hard for me sometimes…to let go of the guilt, I want to try to put the past away. I want to hold on to you and your love, for our sake and our child’s.” She brought their hands to her belly together. “You are the best of men, Darius Rourke, and there is something else you need to know…”
She altered her voice, demand evident in her tone. “Look at me, Darius. You want to look at me.”
He lifted his dark eyes, silver flecks glittering, and focused on her.
“I am going to tell you what you want to say. You want to say it, Darius. You do.” She nodded determinedly. “Say, ‘Marianne loves Darius with all of her heart.’ You want to say it, because it is the truth. Tell me, Darius. Say those words.”
