by Candis Terry
“No. I am not okay. And I really don’t need your advice today.”
“I wouldn’t give it if I thought you didn’t need it.”
“I don’t need it. I’ve managed very well on my own for the past ten years. I can manage for another fifty.”
“That’s what I’m afraid of.”
With a mental image of her stuffed into some retirement community playing Yahtzee with a bunch of other old maids in their flowered muumuus, Kate protested. “I’m fine with alone.” She was such a liar. She’d probably never be fine again as long as she lived.
“I don’t believe you.”
Kate frowned. She didn’t feel like going into a tit-for-tat shootout with her mother. She just wanted to go home, crawl in bed, and cry till she fell asleep. “Just goes to show how much you know me.”
“I do know you, sweetheart. I know you wouldn’t put so much of your heart and soul into a shop where teenage girls can afford beautiful ball gowns if you didn’t care.”
“I was bored.”
“I know you wouldn’t have given that bakery the facelift it so sorely needed if you didn’t care.”
“Maybe I just needed a design fix.”
“You wouldn’t have volunteered to donate a sheet cake to the bunko club every month and even offered to be a dealer at casino night at the Grange if you didn’t care.”
“So I like to gamble a little. No big deal.”
“For years, no one has paid attention to dreary old George Crosby at the used book store. Yet every day you take him a donut and a cup of orange spice tea. And rumor has it you’ve signed up to participate in the town’s spring cleanup in May. You wouldn’t do that if you didn’t care.”
“I got suckered in, that’s all.”
“Honey, you’ve melded yourself into this community and you don’t even realize it.”
The truth of her mother’s words hit a homerun. At first, she hadn’t realized she’d started to get involved in things. Maybe because she’d been enjoying herself. So why was it so hard to admit out loud? Why couldn’t she just say “You’re right, Mother. I love this place. I love Matt Ryan. And I’m not going anywhere.”
Just a few days ago she’d shown up on his doorstep and forced him to admit that he’d loved her and had wanted to marry her. Then she’d thrown herself at him. And from that moment until she’d walked out his door she’d been happier than she could ever remember.
So why had she wussed out just now? What? Was she afraid of a little lawsuit? Was she afraid of Inara’s agent and her smoker’s hack and dragon nails? That kind of fear had nothing to do with it. If she made the decision to walk away that was one thing. But someone threatening to take it away was another.
Or was she just all talk? Was she really just afraid to fail? Just a big old sissy because she feared she wouldn’t be the person everyone thought they saw? That she wouldn’t be good enough? That she’d never measure up to their expectations?
Matt had been right, in L.A. everyone blended in and she’d just become a speck in the overblown, overindulged, over-Botoxed landscape. But in Deer Lick, everyone knew what you did and they kept you in their crosshairs. They knew what kind of salad dressing you chose, if you ordered onions on your burgers. They knew how many times a year you visited the dentist and what brand of tampons you wore. And as much as she loved being a part of this community, that just plain scared the crap out of her.
She couldn’t live with herself if she disappointed them. If she disappointed Matt. She couldn’t live with herself if somewhere down the road he realized she was just a big giant nothing special. She couldn’t live with herself if she wasn’t the right woman to make him happy. She was complicated. Sometimes cranky. Often stubborn. And once in a while she was just a big chicken shit.
She should have told him how she felt.
She knew what he wanted in a relationship. And when he had started to pull back his emotions, she should have gone toe-to-toe with him. Forced him to believe they could work it out. Instead, she’d fallen back on what was safe. She’d run.
“You wouldn’t be crying over Matt if you truly didn’t care,” her mother said.
Kate blinked away her tears and turned from the one person who probably knew her better than anyone. She gripped the steering wheel and eased her foot down on the accelerator. “I care, Mom. But maybe . . . it’s just time for me to go home.”
Her mother’s sigh whispered up the back of her neck and sent cold chills down into her heart.
“Oh, my darling daughter, you’re already home.”
The following day, with a heavy heart and a lack of sleep, Kate had no time to feel sorry for herself. Her father was on his way home. She’d asked him to stop by the Sugar Shack first and to come in the front door. He’d chuckled and asked if she’d just mopped the kitchen. “Something like that,” she’d told him. Now she waited anxiously outside for his truck to appear around the corner.
The snow had been cleared from the sidewalks yet she was still careful as she turned to get an overall look at the place before he arrived. The new awning looked inviting with its chocolate background, big pastel polka dots and new script logo. The arborvitae that framed the door had been trimmed and the mums in the flower box were the burnished gold her mother loved.
Everything was perfect.
Everything except the giant ache in her heart. Last night had been the first in days when she hadn’t slept in Matt’s arms. She missed his warmth, his smile, the way he held her, the way he whispered her name when he was buried deep inside her. She missed his laughter, their bond, and the love that poured from his heart and soul even when he tried to keep it hidden.
He was the last person she’d ever wanted to hurt. And yet—
“Ruined the place. That’s what you’ve done.”
Kate spun to find Edna Price and her stupid moose-head walking stick hobbling up behind her. “I beg your pardon?”
Edna jerked her head toward the Sugar Shack. “Nothing was wrong with that place. But as soon as your dear sweet daddy blinked you go and bring your big-city ideas and ruin what wasn’t broke!”
If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
Kate turned again and looked at the exterior of the shop her parents had built from the ground up over three decades ago. “I hardly think I ruined it, Mrs. Price. I’d like to think I re-energized it so my father wouldn’t have to.”
Edna’s gray brows pulled together over her faded hazel eyes. “And did you think it was necessary to re-energize your mother’s wonderful recipes too?”
“How did you—”
“I peeked through the damned window, that’s how. You got the menu up there and there’s hardly anything left of your mama. For your information, young lady, her pastries were what made this place successful.”
Not for the first time, panic settled in Kate’s chest like a ship’s anchor. “I didn’t—”
“Of course you didn’t.” Edna gave the sidewalk a whack with her cane. “Selfish. That’s all you’ve ever been. Nothing like your mama and daddy. Nothing like your brother and sister.”
“Mrs. Price, I’ve tried to be nice to you. I’ve given you extra pickles with your sandwich, free brownies . . . Why do you hate me so much?”
“Why?” Every wrinkle on the woman’s face deepened. “I’ll tell you why. Because for over thirty years your mama was my best friend and for the last ten of those years I had to sit by and watch you slowly kill her. That’s why.”
“Kill her? Mrs. Price, you can’t keep blaming me for something I had nothing to do with.”
“I suppose you’re going to tell me that you had no idea about the heart attack you gave her when you left.”
“What?” Kate’s throat tightened. “When?”
“Like you don’t know.”
Despair balled up in the pit of her stomach. “If I knew, I wouldn’t be asking.”
Her mother’s friend studied her like she was a bug under an entomologist’s microscope. “The first
one happened just a few days after you left. She spent two weeks in the CCU in Bozeman. Your daddy knew. Your brother knew. Your sister knew. The whole damn town knew. So you can’t tell me you didn’t know.”
Kate lifted her hand to her forehead and rubbed, trying to remember if anyone had mentioned anything at all about her mother’s health. True, when she’d left home, she hadn’t called for several months. But surely someone would have mentioned something so important. “Nobody said anything.”
“For ten years?”
After you bailed, your folks needed me. Matt’s words came rushing back at her. Is that what he’d meant? Is that why they’d needed him? Because her mother had been gravely ill? Why hadn’t her father said something? Or Dean? Or Kelly? Nausea rolled through her stomach.
“I honestly didn’t know,” was all Kate could manage to say. In Edna Price’s eyes, she was a neglectful, worthless human being. And if what Edna was telling her was the truth, Kate couldn’t agree more.
Edna speared Kate with a disbelieving glare, then hobbled off.
Kate fought back the bile rising in her throat as she watched Edna’s backside retreat, her worn red wool coat, and black orthopedic shoes. Then Edna turned and Kate could feel the daggers halfway down the block.
“You ought to be ashamed, Katherine Silverthorne. There are people in this world who’d give anything to have the love that’s been bestowed on you. But you . . . you just toss it away.”
As the old woman turned the corner, Kate’s knees wobbled. For the first time in her life she understood. Edna Price didn’t hate her. Edna Price envied her.
Kate had the one thing that Edna wanted. Love.
Was she really stupid enough to throw it all away?
Kate stood back as her father stepped through the bakery door and stopped as if he’d hit a wall. His camo gear was dirty and he smelled like a man who’d been out in the woods for a week without a shower. But she’d never wanted to hug him more. She needed to find out if what Edna had said about her mother was true. But first things first.
“Daddy? Are you okay?”
Arms dangling at his sides he nodded while his head turned slowly from left to right as he scanned the interior of the shop. His shoulders lifted and dropped with a sigh. Kate came up beside him. Tears filled his eyes.
She’d failed.
“I’m so sorry, Dad. I thought—” Words clogged her throat as she tried to rush an apology, an explanation. She buried her face in her hands and a huge sob sucked the breath from her lungs.
Her father gathered her in his arms and soon they were crying together. He stroked her hair like he had when she’d been little and had crawled up on his lap to be consoled. It seemed so wrong for her to seek comfort from him when she was at fault.
For everything.
“I didn’t mean to—”
“Oh, Katie girl, it’s . . . beautiful.”
The weight in Kate’s chest lifted. She looked up at her father and the watery smile now spreading across his face. “But . . . I thought . . . you like it?”
“Honey, I love it. Your mother would love it too.”
She wiped the tears from his cheeks. “Then why are you crying?”
He gave a little nod. “The picture.”
Kate swung her gaze across the room to the photo of her parents on their original opening day. She’d had it restored and blown up to poster size and it was now the focal point of the entire shop.
“Your mother was a beautiful woman.”
Her mother’s red hair had been slicked back into a ponytail just like the one Kate now wore. Her smoky green eyes sparkled. And the smile on her face brought life to the entire photo.
“You look just like her,” her father said, hugging her closer. “And you have her heart.”
Wrapped in her father’s arms, Kate knew she’d just been paid the highest compliment she’d ever receive. Even if she didn’t deserve it.
“But, honey, why are you crying?”
“Dad? About mom’s heart.”
Opening day for the remodeled Sugar Shack and Cindi’s Attic arrived dark and dreary. With thick pewter clouds hanging low in the sky, the sun didn’t stand a chance. As Kate stepped into her Chucks, she tried to focus on getting through the day. Not the weather. Not the pressure being put on her from Josh now that he’d detected blood in the water.
And especially not the ache in her heart.
Her father had sampled the new additions to the menu and gave his stamp of approval. He’d laughed when she’d told him of her designer cakes and made her promise she wouldn’t create anything too risqué. Hard to do when you wouldn’t even be around. And he’d told her of her mother’s heart condition and the promise her mother had made them swear to not tell Kate.
Kate swung her mother’s Winnie-the-Pooh key ring around her finger and whistled to the pup. “Come on, boy. We’ve got a busy day ahead.” He lifted his head from his favorite sleeping spot at the foot of her bed, then jumped to the floor and wagged his tail.
Kate opened the front door. “See you at the Shack, Dad.”
He waved from the kitchen while he poured his coffee into a commuter mug.
There was a hesitant skip to Kate’s heart as she opened the door to the Buick and helped the pup up onto the seat. She’d barely made a left turn onto Whitetail before a whisper of cold air whooshed past her head. Kate pulled to the curb and turned in her seat. Her mother’s glow was a little blue today.
“So now you know.”
The knot in the center of Kate’s chest twisted. “Yes. I know what happened. I just don’t know why you refused to tell me for ten years. Or why daddy or Dean or Kelly didn’t say something.”
Her mother’s eyelids lowered, then she looked away all together. “Because I made them promise not to. Because it had nothing to do with you and everything to do with cream puffs and watching too many reruns of Law & Order. I should have eaten a salad now and then or walked to the bakery once in a while instead of riding in this heap. Life happens, Katherine. You’d made your decision.” Her mother’s gaze met hers again. “And despite myself, I was proud that you’d even had the nerve to get up and go. When I’d been the exact same age as you, I’d toyed with the idea of getting out. But I never had the courage. So while I was afraid to let you go . . . I was a little envious. I didn’t want to do anything to screw up your chances.
“So what if I had a little heart issue. I was sure it wouldn’t slow me down. And for ten years, it didn’t.”
“But, Mom—”
“It was not your fault, Katherine. Okay?”
Kate wiped away her tears and nodded.
“I’m so proud of you, honey. Whatever you decide to do with your life, wherever you decide to live, I just want you to be happy.”
A warm flutter eased the knot in Kate’s chest. Before she’d come back to Deer Lick, she would never have believed she’d ever hear those words. How could she? Kate knew she’d been given a gift. Another chance to make amends.
“Thank you, Mom. I’m really sorry for all the things I thought. All the things I said. Especially for calling you a big butthead.”
“Shoot, if that’s the worst you ever called me I’d be surprised.”
They laughed and her mother’s glow brightened from blue to lavender.
“Sweetheart, before I go, I want you to reach under the seat. There’s something there that belongs to you.”
“To me? What is it?”
“Just a little reminder in case you ever feel lost.”
Kate turned but once again, her mother had Houdinied out of there. Kate looked down at the pup. He looked up at her and with a flop of his ears, sneezed.
“If I reach under there and lose a finger to a rat trap, I’m blaming you.” She reached beneath her seat, grabbed hold of something, and pulled out a scrapbook. She lifted the cover and slowly flipped through the pages. Kelly had been right. Her mother had kept a memory book.
There were photos of her growing up, some w
ith her alone, some with Dean and Kelly. There were blue, red, and white ribbons she’d won at the county fair for her 4-H projects, articles about her from fashion magazines and a few pages from entertainment rags where she’d been photographed on the red carpet in stunning gowns.
A photo of her entire family, their arms around each other in front of Sleeping Beauty’s Castle in the happiest place in the world, eased the sting in her heart. She remembered that day so well. The enticing smells, the shrieks of laughter, and the complete and utter joy of being with her family.
The last photo was a slightly faded shot of her on graduation day. She wore her black gown and cap with the gold tassel. Matt held her in his arms. Her held was tilted back, her feet were kicked up in the air. And Matt was looking down at her.
She could see it now on his face. The love. The happiness.
The ache knotted in her chest lifted as she remembered back to that day. To being in his arms and loving him with every inch of her young heart.
Why had she ever wanted to leave that?
And what had she found after she’d left?
She shook her head to keep the tears at bay and turned to the back of the book. The very last page displayed a hand-embroidered handkerchief that read—If you ever need to find your heart’s desire, look in your own backyard.
The photo of her and Matt sat like a time capsule in the pocket of Kate’s apron. Several times during the day she’d taken it out and looked at it. She loved him. Period. Paragraph. Hopefully not the end of the story.
At noon she sent Chelsea over to Cindi’s Attic with a tray of shortbread cookies to keep the flock of teenage girls nourished while they oohed and aahed over the array of celebrity gowns. Chelsea had informed Kate that the first to be reserved for the autumn formal was a silver sparkler donated by Taylor Swift. And while Kate couldn’t be happier they’d received their first customer, she had other troubles on her mind. Like the overflow of orders for Kate’s Red Carpet Cakes and how she could fill them all. By herself. And still sleep.
