by Marie James
“I-that’s-wh—”
“When I asked the question, I figured it was a simple answer, but from the way you’re acting, I’m beginning to think it’s a little more complicated than a yes or no.” Xena stands, placing the tray back in the chair and inches closer to the cage. “I can ask different questions.”
My palms slicken with sweat, and I don’t know if it’s in fear of the memories or arousal from exactly the same.
“Has a girl ever gone down on you?”
“Why are you asking me this stuff?” The words come out as if I have gravel stuck in my throat.
She shrugs. “Just curious. Don’t want to answer?”
“Yes.”
“Yes, you don’t want to an—”
“Yes, a girl has gone down on me.”
“Did you return the favor?”
“No.” I don’t elaborate. I don’t know why I’m trying to hide my past, but I don’t feel like going into in-depth explanations about how I was tied and gagged when it happened.
“So you’ve never eaten pussy?”
“I didn’t say that.” Her lips thin as if she thinks I’m playing a game and she’s growing agitated. “I have gone down on a girl before.”
“Did you enjoy it?”
So much so, just the thought right now is making me wet. “I didn’t hate it.”
“I can work with that.” Her tongue brushes over her bottom lip. “TJ said I can’t touch your pussy without permission.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea right now.”
She laughs hard before a smile stays on her pretty lips. “Honey, he was talking about his permission, not yours.”
Maybe she expected me to be offended, but honestly, I like the idea of TJ controlling everything that happens to my body. His commands are what thrill me. I love it when he takes my choices away.
“I better get back upstairs. Are you sure you don’t want this food?”
I shake my head. “Don’t think it’s a great idea.”
“See you soon, Envy.”
“Kaci,” I correct before she goes far.
“That’s your real name.” She gives me another slow smile. “We all have club names. Well except for Molly and Zoe.”
“Envy?”
“Yeah,” she agrees. “There are going to be a lot of girls jealous of you.”
“Of me? I’m the last thing they should be jealous of.”
“Says the only girl that has TJ’s undivided attention.” With that, she grabs the tray, turns off the light, and makes her way to the stairs.
Envy.
I can’t say that I hate the name.
Chapter 30
TJ
The whiskey I’ve been tossing back all night has done nothing to ease the guilt I have for not running down to Kaci and telling her what her father has done.
What good will it do?
That was Virus’s parting question before I left him in the office an hour ago. I’ll be honest. I don’t know if it will do any good at all. The opposite, I’m certain will happen. I’m sure knowing that her father is solely responsible for the ten months she was abused, hurt, and brutally raped will be what finally sends her over the edge. She’s already teetering there as it is, but I also know I don’t want to lie to her, by omission or otherwise.
“You look like you could use another one.”
I’d ignore Lynch when he sits down beside me, but my glass is empty, so he has a point.
I push the tumbler forward and let Mac fill it before drawing it back in.
“Want to talk about it?”
I grunt a no in his direction, but without even looking I can sense the smile on his face.
“I can tell you, from experience that it’s easier if you just let it happen. Fighting it won’t stop it. It only slows down the inevitable.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?” I look over at my older brother who doesn’t even bother to hide his wide smile. If I hadn’t been present all the times he’s made brutal examples of people since he met Zoe, I’d swear just by looking at him that he’s turned into a pussy.
“Falling in love.” He grins wider as he lifts his beer bottle to his mouth.
“I’m only fucking twenty. I’m not trying to fall in love.”
“Twenty-one next week,” the asshole reminds me, “and love doesn’t give a shit how old you are.”
“She’s broken,” I grumble, not adding that she’ll be completely obliterated once she knows about her dad.
“You’ve said that before, but we all have shit we have to deal with.”
A rough sigh escapes my lips. As much as I don’t want to have this conversation with anyone, much less him, I need guidance.
“She was babysitting her brother when he choked on a toy and died,” I confess, knowing this has affected her more than her abduction.
I honestly believe she sees her abduction as some kind of fucked up karma for not paying more attention to the kid that day.
“And you pointed the toy gun at the Feds, and they shot Donna.”
Fuck. Hearing that out loud still stings all these years later.
“I mean,” Lynch offers when I don’t respond, “I think they came to the clubhouse with intentions of killing someone that day. It just happened to be your mom.”
“She was abducted when she was eighteen. Right after she graduated, hadn’t even had the chance to go to college or find out who she really is. She was held for ten months by sex traffickers.”
“Fuck,” he grunts, his eyes still on his beer bottle.
“She was a virgin,” I continue.
“Fuck,” he hisses again, and even though he’s not looking at me, I don’t need to see his eyes to tell his mood. His ears are turning red, and his knuckles are white from his grip on the beer bottle.
“I just found out that her dad sold her to those fuckers.”
His eyes snap to mine. “Are you for real?”
I merely nod. “He sold her to enhance his run for Congress. He lost, and I think he regrets that she was ever found.”
“So he had her abducted and then sent people to find her?”
“Cerberus found her when they were looking for another abducted girl.” The memory of Virus telling me that Colby Davis killed herself after being rescued rattles around in my head, making me worry even more about telling Kaci the truth.
“Those fuckers,” Lynch mutters.
We don’t hate the New Mexico MC, but only because they haven’t brought trouble to our doorsteps. They focus mainly on recovery, security, and reconnaissance. If we were dealing in skin, I imagine we would’ve tangled with them a time or two by now.
“No wonder she’s fucked up. That’s gotta suck knowing her dad was responsible for all of that shit.”
My head is shaking before he even finishes talking. “I don’t think she knows. She hasn’t mentioned it. She went to their house a while back. She doesn’t seem the type of girl that would have loyalty to parents that pulled this kind of shit.”
“And I thought our dad was fucked up,” Lynch mutters.
“Right?”
“What are you going to do?” I shrug. “Are you going to tell her?”
“If you found out this shit about Zoe—”
“Zoe blew her dad’s head off when she found out she was a fucking pawn in that bastard’s game,” he interrupts. “Does she seem like the type who would want to do something like that? We could make those arrangements.”
Lynch has the same damn mindset that Virus has. If Royce Stewart is going to meet the reaper for the things that he has done, it will be at Kaci’s hand. Lynch has all but laid down an order. If I had any thoughts of taking care of this for her, I might as well throw those out.
“I know what you’re thinking, but if you don’t tell her what he’s responsible for and then kill him, she’s going to feel even more misplaced guilt. Don’t tell her if you don’t want, but his death is her decision, and she can’t make that call if she do
esn’t know.”
“And if I tell her and she wants me to do it?”
“If she wants him dead and doesn’t have the stomach to do it herself that’s fine.” A grin spreads across my face because I can convince her— “If you manipulate her and persuade her into believing that’s what she wants when it really isn’t, she’ll hate you in the long run.”
How in the hell does he fucking know what I’m thinking?
“I can’t even imagine Zoe walking away from me. I don’t think I’d be able to survive it if she did. I don’t wish any of this on you man, but you have to make a call and fucking hope that it’s the right one.”
“What would you do?” I hold my hand up when he opens his mouth to argue about what Zoe went through. “If you were in this exact same situation, if you were me, what would you do?”
He shakes his head. “I don’t have enough information to answer that truthfully. If I loved her, I’d tell her about what her dad did, but I’d also let her know how I felt about her because she’s been through a lot and I imagine she’d want someone to lean on after that. If I didn’t love her, I’d keep playing with her until I’d had enough, and I’d cut her loose. It would be too much drama for me to fuck with if I didn’t care about her.”
My gut clenches painfully at the idea of walking away from Kaci, but at the same time, I can’t confess my love for her. I don’t even know if that’s what I’m feeling. I’m sure as fuck not going to ask Lynch what being in love feels like.
I drain my glass of whiskey and stand from the bar, still undecided what the final outcome of all of this shit is going to be.
“What are you going to do?” Lynch asks, swiveling his bar stool around so he can face me.
“I’m going to go shower and then get my girl out of the fucking basement.”
“And after that?”
“I don’t have a fucking clue, man.”
Good-naturedly, he slaps me on the back. “Let all of this sink in for a little bit, and the decision will be the easiest one you’ve ever made.”
I walk away from my brother thinking that he already knows what my answer will be, but just like with the situation with Kaci and her dad; it’s one he’s going to make me decide on my own.
Chapter 31
Kaci
I snuggle into the warmth engulfing my body for a long moment before I realize safety and comfort aren’t something I’m ever afforded.
“Shh.” The soft command only serves to make me tenser. I’m rigid by the time I get my bearings and realize I’m no longer in my cage. “I’ve got you.”
“TJ?”
“I’ve got you, gorgeous. Just relax.”
Even though it’s the last thing I know I should do, I burrow deeper into his arms, burying my nose in the fabric of his shirt and breathing him into my lungs. He could be carrying me to my death, but I can’t be bothered to worry about it right now from the comfort of his arms.
My eyes remain closed even as he pauses to open a door. Raucous laughter and the hard-hitting bass of music fill my ears and then begins to fade as he continues to walk. I don’t bother to look up, and I’m even less concerned that I’m naked and people can possibly see me. The noise almost completely disappears when he opens another door and closes it with us on the other side.
“Where are we?” I ask when he stops moving.
“My room,” he answers, making no move to put me down.
Given a couple of seconds longer, I could’ve guessed where we are. His scent, stronger than just his clothing, surrounds me like a blanket.
“Black sheets?” I mutter after I finally open my eyes and look around. “I would’ve guessed red.”
He snorts in response as he continues to hold me and makes his way to a partially opened door on the other side of the room.
His bedroom is simple and shockingly vanilla, nothing like the dungeon I’d imagined due to his predilections. His bed, king sized of course, has a simple headboard and footboard, not the canopied, four-poster bed that would fit him better. The walls are bare, not covered in medieval weapons and chains.
“Your bed looks comfortable,” I say on a sigh as we pass it.
“I know you’re tired, baby. Let’s get you cleaned up first.”
My eyes squeeze closed when he flips on the bathroom light, and I bury my head into his chest again.
“Sorry,” I say, pulling my head away when I remember the knife wounds on his chest. “Are you in pain?”
His bright blue eyes meet mine, and although they shimmer as he looks down at me, I can see the exhaustion as well. His eyes are rimmed in red as if he hasn’t slept in days.
“My cock is painfully hard.” He gives me a quick, wry grin before he tilts me so I can stand on my own two feet. “But, it seems to be that way all the time around you. Add in the fact that I had your naked body pressed against me, and it’s kind of a given.”
My eyes follow his hand as he adjusts himself in his jeans without an ounce of shyness before pointing over my shoulder.
“Use the bathroom. I’m going to run you a bath.”
“What?” I look over my shoulder but make no move toward the toilet. “Can I have a little privacy?”
He rolls his eyes as if I’m acting like a bratty child but turns away from me to reach for the tub faucet. Knowing he isn’t going to leave, I race to the toilet and make quick work of my business. It’s not like it’s the first time I’ve had to do this. I wasn’t awarded a single second of privacy when Deo took me all those years ago.
“Lavender or vanilla?” he asks as I’m washing my hands in the sink. Peering up, I find him standing behind me holding up two bottles of bubble bath. His eyes are focused on my ass rather than meeting mine in the mirror.
“You don’t seem like the bubble bath type,” I tease, still standing bent over at the sink until his eyes leave my ass.
“Chicks seem to like it,” he mutters absently with his eyes focused on the reflection of my bare tits. His lips part, breaths coming out harsher, and I know he’s seeing the redness left behind from him smacking them earlier.
“Like Xena?” His eyes snap up to mine, confusion drawing his brow in.
“Jealous?” He turns, upending the lavender gel over the tub. More than double the amount needed pours into the rising water, and for some reason, he’s hyper-focused on the foam as it begins to cover the top layer.
“She called me Envy,” I tell him rather than addressing my feelings at the thought of him doing this exact same thing for others.
After placing both bottles back on the edge of the tub, he turns to face me. “Envy?”
His gaze, almost like a physical touch, runs down my body, causing an unsuspected warmth to run over my skin.
“She said a lot of girls around here are going to be jealous of me,” I explain.
“Get in the tub,” he commands, swallowing as if my body is too much for him to look at.
“Join me,” I offer.
“I don’t take bubble baths.”
“Join me,” I repeat, holding my hand out as I lift one leg over the edge of the tub.
He holds onto me until I’m lowering myself into the hot water. The bubbles pop against my skin as I settle, so I spread my legs in hopes of feeling the same fizz on my pussy. I expect him to turn and leave, but as I close my eyes, I hear him shedding his clothes, and then feel the water move as he steps inside with me.
“Lean back,” he urges as he positions himself behind me, sandwiching my body between his long, muscular legs.
“I thought you didn’t take bubble baths.”
“You aren’t them.” His lips trace my pulse as it pounds in my neck.
“Them who?” I ask, regressing back to high school apparently. It’s as if I need him to spell everything out for me. I don’t want to make a mistake in assuming I know his feelings and intentions.
“The other women who have been in here,” he answers. “The women who have been in my bed.”
I don’t know
how to respond to that or what his expectations are. I have no right to wish he’d been untouched before now. He’d explained his childhood and the way he was raised in this clubhouse, but that doesn’t stop me from being curious. He told me himself he’s fucked hundreds of women, and I didn’t have a problem with it when the words fell from his mouth, but after what happened in the basement earlier, I can’t help but feel emotions I have no right to feel.
“Have you been with anyone since we met?”
“Yes,” he admits without pause as his fingers begin to circle my nipple.
I cringe when tears burn the back of my eyes. Getting upset at his confession is a big red warning sign. I shouldn’t be so involved that I give a shit about what he does in his spare time. His grip tightens when I move to stand up. I can get fucked by him. I can admit my desire for his brutal punishments, but the sweet routine including sliding against his wet skin in the tub is too fucking much. Being with him like this makes it impossible to separate myself from it all.
“I haven’t touched anyone since before I pushed you to your knees at your place and rammed my cock down your throat. Not one fucking person since I tasted your decadent cunt. So, settle the fuck down.”
“I d-don’t care what you do,” I stammer, but the tremble in my voice betrays my real emotions.
“Yes, you do.” He punctuates his words with the twist of my nipple, and my lip bleeds from biting it to prevent the moan from escaping. “Would you like to watch what I can do with another woman? What she’s willing to take from my blade to please me?”
My nostrils flare as I bare my teeth. “Only if you’re cutting out her heart.”
His silent chuckle shakes me, but his grip remains firm.
“I snapped the guy’s neck before I pulled you off his bed at that last party. All he got before I showed up was a taste of your sweet cunt, but I couldn’t help myself. Knowing he put his mouth where only mine belongs—” His muscles tense at my back as he draws in a long, harsh breath. “Every time I pull you from one of those fucking frat houses, my body count goes up.”
I should feel bad that the guy at the frat party died. He was a pawn, a means to an end, but I put him in that situation. I know I’m evil when all I do is smile at TJ’s dark confession.
