Welcome to Temptation/Bet Me

by Jennifer Crusie

  “What did you bring?” Min said, dreading the answer.

  “Raspberry Swirl Dove Bars,” Liza said, as she sat down.

  “Rot in hell,” Min said, pulling out her own chair. “Why can’t you ever bring fruit?”

  “Because fruit is not dessert,” Liza said. “Now explain to us why you left the bar with Calvin Morrisey last night.”

  Min shoved the bread box Liza’s way. “David bet him ten bucks he couldn’t get me into bed in a month.” She watched them freeze in place, Bonnie with a platter of chicken and vegetables in her hands, Liza opening the bread.

  “You are kidding me,” Liza said, her face dangerous with anger.

  “I let him pick me up because I had a plan to get a date to the wedding, and then I realized I couldn’t put up with that smarmy charm for three weeks, so I ate an excellent dinner and left.”

  Bonnie’s face crumpled. “Oh, honey, that’s awful.”

  “No,” Min said. “Let’s forget Cal Morrisey and eat. I want to talk about Diana. She’s not happy.”

  “Wet and Worse.” Liza gave Min a look that said they’d be talking about Cal again soon. “They’d bring anybody down.”

  Min closed her eyes. “Do not call them that. I almost called Susie Wet this afternoon at the fitting. She looked like she was about to sob through the whole thing.”

  “Well, that’s understandable,” Bonnie said, sympathy in her voice. She put the platter in the middle of the table and sat down, too.

  Liza dumped the bread into a bowl. “Maybe Di shouldn’t have asked Wet to be a bridesmaid. That’s almost cruel.”

  “It would be worse not to be asked,” Bonnie said. “Is that why she’s upset, Min?”

  “I think it’s Greg,” Min said, starting on her salad, “but she won’t admit it. He’s the one who forgot to order the wedding cake.”

  “Whoa,” Liza said. “This is a man who’s resisting his own wedding. And let’s face it, your mother and Diana railroaded him into it.”

  “He proposed on his own,” Bonnie said.

  “I think he wanted a longer engagement,” Min said. “But he said yes when they set the date. He’s not incapable of speech. He could have said ‘No.’ ”

  “To Nanette and Diana?” Liza said as she started on her salad. “Fat chance. Worse will do a kind deed before Greg will grow a spine. Now you talk about Calvin Morrisey and this damn bet. We want to know everything.”

  Half an hour later, the salad was gone, the leftover chicken was in the refrigerator, and Bonnie was unwrapping a Dove Bar as Min finished her recap of the evening.

  “At least he walked you home,” Bonnie said. “That was nice.” She sounded doubtful.

  “Yes. And then he hit me in the head, said, ‘Have a nice life,’ and left me,” Min said. “I didn’t like him, you guys don’t like him, and he didn’t like me. I think that’s a perfect score.”

  “I think that whole good-bye thing is a trick,” Liza said around a mouthful of Dove Bar. “I think he’s putting you off guard, and he’ll be back. If you’re not careful, he’ll charm you into bed and break your heart.”

  Min frowned at her in exasperation. “How naïve do I look? I know about the bet. Anyway, I have a new plan.”

  “Oh, good,” Liza said. “Because you don’t have enough plans.”

  Min ignored her. “I was listening to Elvis singing ‘Love Me Tender’ last night, and it occurred to me that if he’d been reincarnated, he’d be about twenty-seven now, and I’m open to younger men. Statistically, the most successful marriages are those in which the woman is eight years older than the man. So I’ve decided to wait for Elvis to find me.”

  “You’d only be six years older,” Bonnie said.

  “Yes, but it would be Elvis, so I’d try harder,” Min said.

  “Why Elvis?” Liza said.

  “Because he always tells the truth when he sings. Elvis is the only man in my life I can trust.”

  “So let me get this straight,” Lisa said, pointing with her half-eaten Dove Bar. “Bonnie is waiting for a fairy tale character to make her life complete, and you’re holding out for the reincarnation of a guy who ate fried banana sandwiches.”

  “Yep,” Min said, and Liza shook her head.

  “I might have found my prince,” Bonnie said. “Roger’s good.”

  “Roger?” Min asked, trying not to watch Liza consume her Dove Bar.

  “We picked up the beast’s friends last night,” Liza said around her ice cream. “Bonnie got the one that walks upright.”

  “Roger is a sweetheart,” Bonnie said. “I’m thinking of breaking my date Saturday night and going out with him instead. I’ll wait and see how Friday night with him works out.”

  “He asked you out?” Min said, relieved to be off the subject of Cal. “Tell all.”

  “He asked her out for every night for the rest of her life,” Liza said. “He’s blind for her.”

  “That’s nice.” Min picked a last salad leaf out of her bowl to compensate for her lack of sugar. “So he has potential, Bon?”

  “Maybe.” Bonnie came as close to frowning as she ever did. “I think if I keep seeing him for a couple of weeks and it’s working, I’ll take him home to Mama and let her scope him out.”

  Min raised her eyebrows. “You think he’ll cross three states to meet your mother after two weeks?”

  “He would cross the Andes to get her a toothpick,” Liza said. “It’s pathetic.”

  “No, it’s not.” Bonnie frowned over her ice cream stick. “It’s sweet. And he thinks Cal is great, which is confusing.”

  “So Bonnie met a good one,” Min said to Liza, ignoring the Cal reference. “Who’d you get?”

  “The village idiot,” Liza said. “He also thinks Cal is the man. They’re like the Three Stooges. Only not funny.”

  “The Three Stooges aren’t funny,” Bonnie said.

  “Too true,” Min said. “Are you seeing the idiot again?”

  “Yes.” Liza licked the last of her ice cream off the stick. “I think your beast is coming back, and my idiot babbles nicely when I ask him questions. Plus, there is a bartender who lives next door to the beast with whom I must bond.”

  “Well, don’t ask questions for me,” Min said. “Calvin Morrisey is not part of my future.”

  “He will be tomorrow night,” Bonnie said. “He’ll be at The Long Shot with Roger and Tony.”

  Min shook her head. “Then I’ll stay home.”

  “No,” Bonnie said, stricken. “We don’t have to go there. We’ll go somewhere else so you can come, too.”

  “And make you miss Roger?” Min reconsidered. “No. Not even I am selfish enough to cross True Love. I’ll go. I want to see this Roger up close anyway.”

  “Are you sure Cal made that bet?” Bonnie said.

  “I was standing right there,” Min said. “I heard it. With my own ears. He said, ‘Piece of cake.’ ” That rankled more than anything.

  “Because Roger thinks the world of him,” Bonnie said. “He told me all about him, about the three of them. It’s kind of sad. They met in summer school when they were in the third grade. Roger said he was a slow thinker, and Tony didn’t care about school, and Cal was dyslexic, so everybody thought they were dumb.”

  “Cal’s dyslexic?” Min said, surprised.

  “Tony is dumb,” Liza said at the same time.

  “No,” Bonnie said, with the heavy patience that meant “back off.” “Tony is not dumb. When he cares, he’s very smart. And Roger isn’t dumb, either, he’s just very methodical, you can’t hurry him. He’s like my uncle Julian.”

  “Oh, God,” Liza said to the ceiling. “He’s like family. I will bet you anything that Roger is her If this week.”

  “I don’t bet,” Min said. “Bonnie? What’s your If?”

  Bonnie stuck her chin out. “If Roger turns out to be as sweet as I think he is, I’m going to marry him.”

  “Oh, good grief,” Liza said.

  “Leave h
er alone,” Min said to Liza. “She gets whatever If she wants. What’s yours?”

  Liza straightened. “If my job doesn’t get any more interesting, I’m quitting next week.”

  “Get the calendar,” Min said to Bonnie.

  “I don’t have to,” Bonnie said. “It was August when she quit the last time because she said nobody should work in a heat wave.”

  “Ten months,” Min said. “That’s not good. Her attention span is getting shorter.”

  “It’s an If,” Liza said to Min. “I’m keeping an eye on my options. I think I might want to waitress again if I can find someplace fun. What’s your If?”

  Min thought of Cal Morrisey, and her head began to throb. “If I can find the reincarnation of Elvis, I’ll date again. Until then, I’m taking a break from inter-gender socialization. It’s just too painful.”

  “I am the only sane woman in this room,” Liza said.

  “Sanity is overrated,” Min said, and went home to get an aspirin.

  The next night, Cal was back at The Long Shot, as far away from the landing as possible to give himself a wide escape path. Roger was ten feet away, looking at Bonnie as if she were the center of the universe. Bonnie was looking at Roger as if he were a very nice man she didn’t know very well. Cal shook his head. Watching Roger date was like watching a toddler in traffic.

  Tony sat down beside Cal and slid his Scotch over. “I think you should go for it,” he said, nodding toward the bar.

  “What?” Cal looked past Bonnie, to see a tall, slender redhead. Tony’s Liza. Then she shifted and he saw Min standing behind her, draped in a loose red sweater. It had some kind of hood hanging down the back, and Roger tugged on it and said something that made her smile. “Great.” Now he’d have to put up with Min slanging at him for another evening.

  “It’s not like you to stare and not do anything about it,” Tony said. “You are losing it.”

  “I was watching Roger and Bonnie,” Cal said.

  “Oh.” Tony looked over at Roger and shrugged. “Yep, he’s a goner. Well, we all gotta die sometime.”

  “Yeah, you’re the guy I want watching my back,” Cal said.

  “Well, what are you gonna do?” Tony looked past him and straightened. “What the hell? Where do they think they’re going?”

  Cal turned back to see the four of them commandeer a poker table on the other side of the bar. “Not here,” he said, cheering up. Evidently Min had had as bad a time as he’d had. Which was her own fault because she was impossible to please. God knew he’d tried. Well, except for clipping her there at the end.

  She sat down beside Liza, and he watched her as she leaned back and stretched out her black-clad legs. Her legs were pretty good, strong full calves, sturdy, like Min in general.

  “She’ll be over here in five minutes,” Tony said.

  “Ten bucks says she won’t,” Cal said, turning back to his Glenlivet.

  “You’re on,” Tony said. “She wants me.”

  “You?” Cal said, startled. “Oh, you mean Liza.” He looked back at the redhead who was laughing with Min and giving no evidence whatsoever that she knew Tony existed. “Nope, she won’t, either.”

  “Oh, you were talking about the chub?” Tony said.

  “Don’t call her that,” Cal said. “Her name is Min. She’s a good woman, apart from her rage.” He watched her as she leaned sideways in her chair to say something to Bonnie. “She’s not chubby. She’s just got a really round body. Everywhere.”

  “Nice rack,” Tony said, trying to be fair. “So you struck out, huh?”

  “No,” Cal said, turning his back on them again. “I asked her to dinner and she went. Then I walked her home and said good-bye. I did not strike out.”

  “Finally, a woman you can’t get,” Tony said, satisfaction in his voice. “That’s kind of depressing because it’s like an era is passing—”

  “I didn’t try,” Cal said.

  “—but it’s good to know you put on your pants one leg at a time like the rest of us.”

  “I’ve never understood that,” Cal said. “How else would you put on your pants?”

  Tony leaned over. “Ten bucks says you can’t get Min to go out with you tomorrow night.”

  “I don’t want to go out with her tomorrow night,” Cal said.

  “Take her to the movies,” Tony said. “You won’t have to talk to her.”

  “Tony . . .”

  “Ten bucks, hotshot. I don’t think you can do it.”

  Cal looked over his shoulder at Min. All the laughing aside, she didn’t look any more relaxed than she’d been Wednesday night. And she was ignoring him. He shook his head at Tony. “She won’t go. No bet.”

  “This is hard to believe,” Tony said. “You chickening out.”

  “Tony, she hates men right now. She just broke up with somebody.”

  “Well, there you go. She’s on the rebound,” Tony said. “That gives you an edge. You could get her into bed.”

  “I don’t want her in bed,” Cal said. “She’ll probably ice pick the next guy she sleeps with to get even with the guy who dumped her. Trust me, this is not a woman you close your eyes around.”

  “Wuss,” Tony said. “I’ll make it easy. Lunch. Ten bucks says you can’t get her to lunch.”

  Cal looked over at Min again. What would get her to lunch? She was sitting back in her chair now, smiling at Roger, as if she were sizing him up. Protective of her friend. She could relax about Roger. If Bonnie got him, she’d be a lucky woman.

  Of course, Min didn’t know that.

  “You in?” Tony said.

  So if he went over and said—

  “Cynthie just came in,” Tony said.

  “Hell” Cal sat up but didn’t look toward the door. “She hates this bar. Why—”

  “She’s stalking you,” Tony said. “She must really want to get married. And she’s headed this way.”

  “Right.” Cal stood up. “Come on.”

  “Where?” Tony said, not rising.

  “Over there so you can harass your redhead while I get a lunch date and duck Cyn. You’re on.”

  “You just lost ten bucks, old buddy,” Tony said, practically chortling. “I saw Min’s face when you came in, and she was not happy to see you.” He stood up, too. “I can’t believe you went for that. You hit her in the head, you dork. Why would she go anywhere with you?”

  “Ten bucks first,” Cal said, holding out his hand.

  “You have to get the date first,” Tony said. “Which ain’t happening.”

  “No, this is for the redhead who did not come to get you in five minutes,” Cal said, and Tony sighed and got out his wallet.

  Min was ignoring Cal and checking out Roger, when Liza pulled up the chair to her right and sat down.

  “So,” Liza said, sliding over a Diet Coke and rum. “What’s new with Di?”

  “I called her today,” Min said, picking up her drink. “I asked her if everything was okay with Wet—” She closed her eyes. “—with Susie, and she said, yes, Susie’s dating a very nice man and she’s fine with the wedding. And Worse . . . and Karen has talked to Susie and has assured Diana that Susie’s fine with it.”

  “Is she delusional?” Liza said, as somebody pulled up a chair to Min’s left.

  “Who? Wet, Worse, or Diana?” Min said.

  “All of them,” Liza said.

  “My guess is that Wet’s being brave, Worse is being a bully, and Diana’s in denial,” Min said, turning to see who was on her left. “Oh,” she said, when she saw Cal sitting there with two glasses in front of him. He was as beautiful as he’d been two nights before, and her DNA went wild again.

  “Hello, little girl,” he said and flipped the hood on her sweater.

  Liza snorted and turned to talk to Bonnie on her other side.

  “Oh, that’s good,” Min said. “You’re definitely the first person to make a Red Riding Hood crack to me tonight. I’m never wearing this sweater again.”
<
br />   “Hostility,” Cal said. “It’s déjà vu all over again. How’s your head?”

  “The pain comes and goes,” Min said. “And then there are the voices.”

  “Good. Now you have someone to talk to. Who are Wet, Worse, and Diana, and how did they get those terrible names?”

  “Nobody you want to know.” Min picked up her drink. “What are you up to?”

  “Let me guess,” Cal said, his voice heavy with scorn. “That’s a rum and Diet Coke. The breakfast of dieters.”

  “Don’t you have somewhere else to be?”

  “No, Buffy. Fate sent me over here to teach you to drink with dignity.” He took her rum away from her and slid one of his glasses over to her. “Glenlivet. Drink it slowly.”

  Min frowned at him. “This is your idea of charm?”

  “No,” Cal said. “I don’t waste charm on you. I’m trying to help you grow. Real women do not screw up good booze with diet soda.”

  “Peer pressure,” Min said. “It never stops.”

  “Try it,” Cal said. “One sip. You hate it, I’ll give you this slop back.”

  Min shrugged. “Okay.” She picked it up and took a drink and then choked as the Scotch seared her throat.

  “I said, sip, Dobbs,” Cal said over her gasping. “You’re supposed to savor it, not guzzle it.”

  “Thank you,” Min said when she had her breath back. “You can go now.”

  “No, I can’t.” He leaned closer, and Min started to feel too warm in her sweater. “I have a deal for you.”

  Min picked up the Scotch again and sipped it. It was nice when you sipped it.

  Cal leaned closer until he was almost whispering in her ear. “I want to know about Bonnie.”

  His breath was warm on her neck, and Min blinked at him. “Bonnie? I think Roger’s got dibs on Bonnie.”

  “I know. That’s why I want to know about her. Roger is . . .” Cal looked across the table. “. . . not adept with women. I want to know about your friend.”

  “Well,” Min said, prepared to give Bonnie a perfect report card.

  “Not here,” Cal said, still too close. “I think they’ll notice. I’ll meet you for lunch tomorrow. You know where Cherry Hill Park is?”

  “I’ve heard of it,” Min said. “I don’t have the bank account to go up there and hang around.”