by Kate Eastham
‘Just take your time,’ said Alice, seeing that he was getting out of breath as he spoke.
‘Some of ’em have already gone back to sea, I won’t see ’em again.’
‘I’m sorry, Tommy,’ she said. ‘That can’t be easy for you.’
He just shrugged and then rubbed a hand across his face. ‘Anyway, Nurse Sampson, you’ll be pleased to know that the district nurse has been in and Davy’s been lookin’ after me. He even brought me a bottle of mixture to help the cough,’ he said, pointing to a thick glass bottle on the small cupboard.
Alice swivelled round in her chair and picked up the bottle, full of brown liquid.
‘What is this stuff?’ she said, removing the stopper and giving it a sniff, and then reading the label: ‘Cough Syrup … contains Alcohol, Cannabis, and Chloroform.’
‘It seems to be loosening up me chest,’ he said.
‘Mmm,’ said Alice, eyeing the bottle suspiciously. ‘You need to be careful, Tommy, about these remedies from quack doctors. It might be loosening up your chest but you don’t know what other harm it might be doing.’
‘So?’ he said, starting to laugh, his chest rattling along with it.
‘You’re not dying just yet, Tommy,’ she said. ‘If you were, you wouldn’t be laughing like that.’
‘I suppose so.’ He coughed, then leant over the side of the bed and spat up some dark phlegm into a bowl.
Alice handed him a handkerchief to wipe his mouth. He had a stack of clean ones by the bed.
‘They are really looking after you here, Tommy,’ she said.
‘They are that,’ he said, more breathless now from the effort. ‘I just don’t want to be a damn nuisance, that’s all.’
‘You’re not a nuisance,’ said Alice, patting his forearm. ‘I could see how Davy was with you; he and the others really want to look after you.’
‘Well, hopefully, it won’t be for much longer. I can feel it in me bones. And, as you can see, my skin seems to be turning yellow.’
Alice looked closer. ‘Ah, yes,’ she said quietly.
‘I know what it means, Nurse Sampson, and I’m not afraid. I’ve seen so many men pass away both on board ship and on dry land. I know the score and I’m not afraid, not of the dying. I just don’t want it to drag out too long, that’s all.’
‘Well, I don’t really know how much time you’ve got, but I can see you’re sitting up, still drinking a bit, so it might be longer than you’re expecting.’
‘I hope not. I’m starting to feel more than ready for my final voyage. The sooner I’m singing with the mermaids the better.’
Alice gave a small sigh. She felt frustrated by the inevitability of everything that was happening to him and even more frustrated that there didn’t seem to be anything that she could do to help him.
‘Are you all right, Nurse Sampson?’
‘I am, it’s just that, oh, I don’t know, you just don’t deserve this, that’s all. And I wish I could do more to help you.’
‘I’m well looked after here, Alice – it is Alice, isn’t it? And I can call you that, now we’re not under Sister Law’s eagle eye?’
‘Yes, that’s right,’ she murmured, trying to smile.
‘Davy has a couple of weeks left before they set sail, he’ll look after me. And thank the god of the high seas for this place; I’ve been putting money away in the savings bank here for years and now I’ve got enough to settle my bill at the hospital and to pay for the district nurse. I’ve already told her what I want when the time comes. I want her to open the window so my soul can leave. Davy and the fellas will see to the rest and make sure I get a decent burial.’
‘Oh Tommy,’ said Alice, holding back a sob. ‘I don’t know how you can talk about it like that.’
‘Well, I’ve had a long life, and I’ve lived it well, Alice. I’ve seen the world. My time has come, as it will for every one of us. So I don’t want you worrying. I just wanted to see you one last time so I could thank you for all that you did for me on the ward, you really looked after me. And if you open that top drawer, behind you, I’ve got something to give you.’
‘No, honestly.’
‘Just do it,’ he said, with a glint in his eye. ‘You’ll see in there a small cloth bag, that’s it, give it to me.’
‘These scissors have travelled with me on every voyage,’ he said, sliding out a pair of ornate-handled scissors in a solid silver sheath. ‘They were me mother’s. I was only a nipper when she died, but I knew to get these in me pocket before they took ’em with the rest when they came to lay her out … I want you to have them, Alice, they’re my lucky scissors.’
Any protest that Alice felt like mustering was silenced when she saw his face. His eyes were shining with tears.
‘Thank you, Tommy,’ she said, reaching a hand out to take them. She held them for a moment and ran her fingers over the carved decoration on the handles. ‘I will treasure them.’
‘And, Alice,’ he said quietly, almost whispering now. ‘I want you to do something for me. When you look up to the night sky and see the stars above, think about me sometimes … I don’t know if there is a god, but if you’re ever out on the ocean, you must look up to the stars and see the heavens in all their glory. So many stars you can hardly put a pin between ’em. That’s what makes you think, there must be something … and maybe I’ll be up there with the rest of the crew.’
Alice held back a sob, as she nodded and reached out for his hand. ‘I will do that for you,’ she said, feeling a stillness in that small room, like something holding its breath. She didn’t want to break the spell.
Tommy was lying back on his pillow now, his eyes closed.
As Alice sat, she felt perfectly calm inside. There was nothing more important than what she was doing, in that moment, sitting quietly, holding his hand. She knew that he was ready now, he’d made his peace with the world and he was ready to go.
‘I’ll get some rest now, Nurse Sampson,’ he murmured. ‘Davy’s taking me up to the roof tonight. From up there you can see the docks and the river and the Welsh mountains beyond …’
‘I’ll leave you now, then,’ she said. ‘Thank you, Tommy … I’ll come back and see you next week.’
‘No, Nurse Sampson,’ he said quietly. ‘Let’s say goodbye now.’
Alice swallowed hard. ‘I’ll only say goodbye if you promise to ask the district nurse to let me know if you want to see me again, and also to let me know when you’ve left us.’
‘I promise,’ he said, opening his eyes and giving her a crooked smile. ‘Goodbye, Nurse Sampson.’
‘Goodbye, Mr Knox,’ she said quietly, letting go of his hand. And then there was nothing more to do but leave the room.
Alice had a lump in her throat as she gently closed the door behind her. Walking to the balustrade of the galleried landing, she held on to the rail for a few moments to collect her thoughts. As she stood, she became aware of murmurings, other voices, from behind the closed doors of other cabins.
When she looked down to the ground floor, she saw a young man looking up at her. He gave her a wonderful smile and she smiled back at him. And then he was speaking to another man who had come to join him, in a language that was unfamiliar to Alice. She wasn’t surprised; she knew that there were men of all nationalities who stayed here and sailed in and out of the port of Liverpool. Tommy had told her all about them, during his many stories of life at sea.
By the time Alice had descended the cast-iron staircase, seeing mermaids as she went, the two young men had disappeared, but that smile had made a difference to her. It had brought her back to the present and her own life. Standing on the ground floor of the central hall, she looked up once more to the light above. She hoped that Tommy would be able to get up there to the roof that evening and see the river for one last time.
As she walked out of the building, she paused to stand on the top step for a few moments, feeling the cool breeze from the river on her face, and hearing the sounds of the harbour. It made
her think of Maud and her leaving for New York, and, of course, the day on the river that she’d spent with Morgan. Startled by the cry of a gull directly above, Alice moved away, murmuring one final farewell to Tommy as she went.
Making her way through the city, Alice began to feel just how exhausted she was. She kept her legs moving, but her body felt heavy, like lead. She just needed to get back to Stella’s and Victoria; all she wanted was to sit in the back yard and rest her head against the wall.
She was relieved to find the house quiet and the baby sleeping soundly when she arrived home. Marie gave her a concerned glance when she dragged herself through, and she ordered her to go and lie down and get some rest. All she could do was nod, but Alice knew that she needed to sit first, out in the back yard, where she had room to breathe and space to think.
Without even removing her hat and cape, she sat down on the bench. At first she couldn’t feel anything except numbness and then, as she rested her head back against the hard wall, she started to feel as if she was floating, like a leaf on water, at the mercy of every ripple. Then she started to tremble. Her teeth were chattering. It felt like all of the pent-up misery and anxiety of the last few days, weeks, months and year, was seeping out of her, bit by bit.
Alice pushed her head back harder against the wall and then she started to cry, tears streaming down her cheeks. She saw Marie pop her head out of the door, just to check, and Alice gave her a nod to indicate that she was all right. And then, she was holding on to her own body, trying to calm herself down, but there was no stopping the tears now. Alice knew that this had to be done. She needed to get rid of it all. So she let herself shake and she let herself cry, until she could cry no more.
When the worst was over, she removed her hat and placed it on the bench, like a friend, beside her. Then she took a clean handkerchief and wiped around her face. I must look dreadful, she thought, feeling how hot she was, knowing that her eyes were swollen. Just as she leant her head back against the wall again, she heard the creak of the back gate opening. She expected to see Lizzie. But instead, there stood Sue Cassidy.
‘Are you all right, Alice?’ she said, her eyes wide, and her matted hair sticking out at all angles.
Alice nodded.
For some reason, seeing Sue standing there like that made her smile. It must have been a strange smile because Sue came over immediately and took her hand. ‘Are you sure you’re all right?’ she said. ‘You look like Mam does, when she’s been having trouble with a fella.’
If Alice had had the energy, she would have cracked up laughing. Instead she just smiled some more and patted the bench next to her for Sue to sit down.
As they sat together Sue told her about what she’d been doing, and that they’d had good news – her mam had a job now, as a flower seller on the market. And then she fished in her pocket and brought out an object.
‘What’s this?’ said Alice, seeing what looked like an empty perfume bottle, with a simple pattern etched into the glass.
‘I found it for you,’ said Sue. ‘It’s a very special one.’
‘It is pretty,’ said Alice, picking it up and angling it to the light. ‘Are you sure?’
‘Yes, it’s for you,’ Sue said, swinging her legs as she sat on the bench. ‘The money you gave us that day I came, it bought food, and it helped Mam get better. That’s when she got strong enough to look for work. So this is to say thank you, that’s all.’
‘Thank you very much,’ said Alice, holding the bottle up to catch the light once more, before slipping it in her pocket and hearing the clink of it against the scissors that Tommy had given her.
‘Do you need any more money, Sue?’
‘Not now,’ she said. ‘We can manage now that Mam’s working. I need to go soon, to get some food and make a meal for when she gets home. Are you feeling better now?’
‘Yes, I am,’ said Alice. ‘You’ve made me feel much better.’
‘Well, Mam always says, when she’s feeling better, that none of them fellas compare to having a daughter like me; so the whole lot of ’em can go hang.’
Alice couldn’t help but laugh, and she put her arm around Sue and they both laughed together.
‘I need to go,’ said the girl, slipping off the bench. ‘Bye, Alice.’
‘Bye, Sue. Come back again, won’t you?’ But the back gate was already swinging to, and Alice was alone again. She stretched and then stood, shaking and loosening her body, and then slipping her hand in her pocket to feel the shape of the small bottle and the pair of scissors in their silver sheath.
‘The whole lot of ’em can go hang,’ she muttered, laughing quietly to herself. Then she picked up her hat and headed back inside, just in time to hear the sound of her daughter waking from her afternoon nap.
17
‘It is not knowledge only: it is practice we want. We only know a thing if we can do it.’
Florence Nightingale
A whole week went by, and Alice heard no news of Tommy. She’d spoken to Eddy, and been reassured that he had an excellent district nurse. All she could do was trust. And he’d been so adamant that he didn’t want her to visit that she had no choice but to respect his wishes, even though it was her half-day and she was sorely tempted to go along and see him.
That morning on the ward, Sister Law had pulled Alice aside to congratulate her on the sterling work that she’d done with the iodine dressings on Mr Swain’s leg.
‘I took down the dressing first thing and it looks very clean and it’s almost healed. We just need Mr Jones to have a look, and if he’s satisfied, then I think we can look at discharging our veteran very soon.’
Alice tried to control her smile, she knew how Sister disapproved, but she felt it through her whole body. How very satisfying. When the man had been admitted, it had been touch and go as to whether the leg could be saved at all. And today there was a possibility that he could be on his way back to his boarding house in the city.
‘And what about the dog?’ she asked.
‘Stanley is fine,’ said Sister. ‘I’ve been popping in to see him at Mr Delaney’s house, with some extra meat and a few bones. But he’s been pining for his owner, so that’s another reason why we need to get Mr Swain on the move as soon as possible. When we get to his bed on the ward round, I’ll call you over.’
‘I believe you’ve done a very fine job here, Nurse Sampson,’ said Mr Jones, as he pulled back the sheet and removed the dressing pad to reveal Mr Swain’s leg.
Alice didn’t reply; she leant in with everyone else to view the wound. She held her breath as Mr Jones made his assessment then straightened up and looked directly at her.
‘Excellent, Nurse Sampson,’ he said. ‘Excellent work. And please, Sister, make sure you convey the news to Miss Houston, I know that it was her idea to use the iodine soaks.’
Sister nodded, they all seemed pleased. Except Mr Stafford, who stood pursing his lips. Maybe he can’t bear the thought of the nurses doing good work, thought Alice. And she felt like kicking him. What difference does it make, she thought, if it’s a nurse or a doctor? More often than not it’s the both of them working together. What difference does it make, as long as the patient recovers?
‘When Miss Houston comes, Nurse Sampson, you do the dressing with her. She wants to see the result as well, for herself,’ said Sister Law as she moved with Mr Jones and Mr Stafford to the next bed.
Miss Houston was soon there on the ward and working with Alice to re-dress the leg. ‘My word, this has done well,’ she beamed.
‘Thanks to you, miss, and Nurse Sampson here. Yes, it has,’ said the veteran.
‘How is the pain?’ asked Miss Houston, as she held the leg steady and scrutinized every inch of it.
‘It’s still sore, there’s no getting round that. But it’s been that way ever since I got hit by that shell. But it’s not the very bad pain. I can manage it like this.’
‘I know it’s easy for me to say,’ Ada continued, ‘but this time, when y
ou go back out, if things start to get worse again, try not to dull the pain with drink. Come back to the dispensary, see if we can give you some medicine first.’
‘Oh, I will,’ said Mr Swain. ‘I’ve got Stanley to consider now, I can’t start getting blind drunk again. Not when I’ve got him to look after.’
‘Good, that’s good, and what about other things, do you sleep all right?’
‘Sleep’s not good, and I get the nightmares. And I sometimes get the shakes. Anything can set them off. You were out there, you know what it’s like.’
‘I wasn’t in the thick of battle or in the trenches like you soldiers, but I do understand. I’ve seen other men like you. The war doesn’t stop for you soldiers once the ceasefire is called, does it?’
The man shook his head and Miss Houston put a hand on his shoulder, just for a few moments.
‘Right then, Mr Swain,’ she said, ‘we don’t need to use the iodine soaks on here any more. We’ll put a dry dressing on and a bandage, and off you go. We can give the district nurse the address of your boarding house, and she can take it from there. We just need to get you up on some crutches and make sure you’re steady enough. You know the score, you’ve done this many times.’
‘I’ll go and get the crutches,’ Alice offered. ‘I know where they are.’ Within minutes she was back brandishing a new pair. ‘Time to get you moving, Mr Swain,’ she said. ‘Let’s just get you sitting up at the side of the bed first, and then Miss Houston and I will help you to a standing position.’
Alice soon had the patient standing, although after weeks in bed his legs were weak. ‘Mmm,’ said Miss Houston, ‘I think we maybe need to give you a couple of days to strengthen up, so that you’re more steady.’
‘No, sorry,’ said Mr Swain firmly, ‘I’m going today, I need to see my dog.’
Alice saw Miss Houston square her shoulders and open her mouth to say something, but then she seemed to think better of it. ‘All right then, Mr Swain,’ she said at last. ‘But I still need to check with Sister Law and you will have to take a carriage from the door of this hospital, do you hear?’
