by Kate Eastham
On the ward, Alice had no energy to spare for countering Sister Fox’s snide remarks; she let them flow over her like water. She had her probationers organized and the morning’s work ticking along nicely. She had accompanied Dr Logan on the ward round and her next duty would be to assist Miss Fairchild with her trial of walking.
‘Nurse Kelly, Nurse Parker, please could you help me with the patient in bed seven. We need to try her with a few steps this morning. See how she copes.’
Standing by Miss Fairchild’s bed with her two probationers, Alice smiled encouragingly. ‘Are you ready?’
‘I’m ready,’ said the housekeeper. ‘Let’s get on with it.’
‘Right then, Miss Fairchild, let’s just help you to sit at the side of the bed first. Nurse Kelly and Nurse Parker will help you. Yes, like that. That’s good … Now just sit a few minutes and get your breath back, there is absolutely no need to rush … Nurse Kelly, please go and find a chair and bring it here, will you?’
As soon as Nurse Kelly had returned with the chair, Alice spoke to Miss Fairchild. ‘Nurse Parker and I will be at either side of you and then you can stand, like you have been doing, to stretch your legs. When you’re ready you can try a few steps. Nurse Kelly will wait with the chair, ready for you to sit down, just in case.’
‘Good plan, Nurse Sampson,’ said Miss Fairchild.
‘So when you’re ready … right, yes, up you come.’
Alice was pleased to see Miss Fairchild standing tall with her back straight. In that one simple move she seemed to get all of her former dignity back.
‘That is very good indeed,’ said Alice. ‘Now as soon as you’re ready, take one step, and then another … Nurse Kelly and I will be right by you, you are perfectly safe.’
Miss Fairchild took two steps, and then she paused, slightly out of breath, but managing.
‘This is your first time,’ soothed Alice. ‘You need to get used to walking again.’
Miss Fairchild nodded and then she took another step, and another … and now she was even more out of breath.
‘Just try one more,’ said Alice quietly. ‘Just one more.’
Miss Fairchild took the step but then, in seconds, she was gasping for air. Alice saw the distress on her face, she felt her body sag and her knees were starting to give way.
‘Chair, please, now,’ said Alice firmly, and Nurse Kelly was straight there, neatly placing the seat beneath Miss Fairchild.
Alice saw the anguish on her patient’s face, as she sat there helpless, fighting for breath.
‘Right, Miss Fairchild,’ she said, her voice gentle but firm. ‘You have become a bit more out of breath than we expected, but you are perfectly safe on this chair. I need you to take some deep breaths now and try to steady up. It will settle, just try not to fight against it. That’s it, yes, just one more deep breath.’
Once her breathing had settled, Miss Fairchild sat, her shoulders slumped forward and her head bowed. Alice waited.
‘So now we know what we’re dealing with,’ she murmured at last. ‘I won’t ever get any better than this.’
‘I’m so sorry,’ said Alice, placing a gentle hand on the woman’s shoulder. ‘But it might just be that we haven’t reached the right concentration of digitalis yet … Let’s see what Dr Logan has to say, when he sees you again later. Try not to lose hope.’
‘I know what he will say, Nurse Sampson,’ said Miss Fairchild, her breathing much easier now. ‘I could feel it when I was walking; my heart was hammering inside me, like something broken.’
‘Well, let’s see,’ said Alice, giving her shoulder a squeeze. ‘Now, we need to get you settled … Nurse Parker, please go and find the orderlies to lift Miss Fairchild back into bed.’
Sadly for Miss Fairchild, there was no better news from Dr Logan. He asked more questions, held her wrist and timed her pulse, and listened to her chest with his stethoscope. And then he shook his head. ‘Mmm,’ he said, ‘I can tell that there has been improvement, a good deal of improvement with the treatment …’
‘But?’ said Miss Fairchild.
‘But I’m afraid to say that the improvement is only there when you are at rest. This does happen. Sometimes, once the heart shows signs of failure, it can’t manage any added strain …’
‘Does that mean that I won’t ever be able to walk again?’
‘There might be that possibility,’ said Dr Logan solemnly. ‘I am very sorry. We do have some more capacity for increasing the dose of digitalis, but if there is no further improvement, then I’m afraid to say that you may not get back to anywhere near your previous level of activity.’
‘I see,’ said Miss Fairchild, pursing her lips.
After the doctor had gone, Alice stayed by her bed. ‘Let’s see what happens over the next couple of weeks,’ she said gently. ‘As Dr Logan said, there is still some capacity for more improvement.’
Miss Fairchild was shaking her head. ‘You are a very dear girl,’ she said, ‘but I very much doubt if things are going to get any better.’
‘Well,’ said Alice, pausing for a moment as if lost in thought, ‘I suppose in that case, the only thing that we can hope for, is that things don’t get any worse.’
Miss Fairchild couldn’t help but smile, and she squeezed Alice’s hand. ‘Alice, you seem to have a way of finding glimmers of hope in any situation, don’t you?’
Alice shrugged her shoulders. ‘You could call it that, I suppose. But what else is there for patients like you, with chronic conditions? All you can hope for is to hold your ground. And if you can do that, well, that has to be good news, doesn’t it?’
Miss Fairchild nodded, still smiling.
‘Just one thing, though,’ said Alice, ‘and I have a feeling I already know what you’re going to say. Do you think we should write to Maud now and tell her about your situation?’
‘No, definitely not,’ said Miss Fairchild, pressing her lips into a firm line.
‘But Maud would want to know. We’ll all be in trouble if she finds out about it from someone else …’
‘That may be the case, Alice, but I don’t want her worrying over me when she’s got her work to do and she’s looking after Alfred. I won’t have it and that’s that.’
‘Well, as I’ve said before, I will respect your wishes. But I don’t agree. I think Maud can cope with most things. Please think about it, will you?’
Miss Fairchild nodded and said that she would give it more thought. But Alice knew her well enough by now to know that when she straightened her back and lifted her chin in a certain way, she had definitely made up her mind.
Come visiting time, however, the matter was decided for them. Hearing the sound of raised voices from Miss Fairchild’s bed, Alice moved straight there.
‘I know you said not to, Constance, and I’m sorry about this, but I needed to take things into my own hands.’ Mrs Watson, a friend of Miss Fairchild’s who visited regularly, was standing, red-faced, by Miss Fairchild’s bed.
‘But I gave express instructions,’ said Miss Fairchild, her voice hoarse.
‘I know that,’ said the other woman. ‘But sometimes, it is our duty, as senior staff, to countermand those instructions. Seeing you here, week by week, still struggling, not looking like things are going to properly get better, I took it on myself. Maud needed to know.’
Alice moved to the side of the bed and tried to hold Miss Fairchild’s hand, but she pulled it away irritably.
‘You had no right,’ she countered, struggling to sit up straighter, starting to gasp for air.
‘She needed to know, Constance, her and that boy Alfred, they’re like family to you. It just didn’t seem right that she didn’t know. So the letter went last week, after I visited you. I didn’t ask, I knew what you’d say. But it’s done.’
Miss Fairchild let out a weary sound, and then she looked up at Alice. ‘I’m too weak to resist,’ she said quietly.
‘Just take a bit of time to steady your breathing, that’s
it, let’s calm everything down.’
By this time the visitor had found herself a stool and brought it over so she could sit by the bed, and then Miss Fairchild was starting to breathe more easily.
‘You know this woman, don’t you? My head cook, Mrs Watson,’ she said. ‘What do you think about what she’s done?’
‘Well, as you already know, I’m inclined to agree with her,’ said Alice. ‘I don’t think Maud would forgive us if we hadn’t let her know.’
She saw Mrs Watson nodding vigorously.
‘And sometimes,’ she continued, ‘it’s the sign of a true friend. Someone who will recognize what’s in your best interest and risk getting into trouble to make sure that it gets done. I think that’s exactly what Mrs Watson has done for you here, Miss Fairchild.’
Alice saw Miss Fairchild purse her lips again and she reached up to touch her neatly piled grey hair. And then she turned to Mrs Watson. ‘So it looks like you are a true friend, then, Mrs Watson, what do you think about that?’
‘I think that’s just grand,’ said the woman, patting Miss Fairchild’s hand as she sat in the bed with her back straight and her head held high.
‘Ooh, you know what that might mean,’ said Eddy excitedly, when Alice met up with her after work. ‘Maud might come home.’
‘I don’t know about that,’ said Alice. ‘I’ll write to her now, and reassure her that although Miss Fairchild’s condition is serious, she is being well cared for and I will monitor the situation.’
‘I see what you mean,’ said Eddy, more quietly. ‘She’s gone such a long way and she’s hardly been there any time at all. She might not even be able to come back, and what about her work out there?’
‘Well, let’s see, shall we?’ Alice said. ‘I just wanted Maud to have the exact information, that’s all. So that she can make a reasoned decision.’
‘Reasoned decision, hey, as if you’re familiar with that kind of thing,’ teased Eddy. ‘And anyway, Sampson, what the heck was up with you this morning? I saw your face when you were walking to work and I feared for the patients on the ward …’
As the two of them walked back through the streets, past shops and carts and horses and stray dogs, threading their way through the people of Liverpool, Alice told Eddy about the letter from Morgan and then the visit from her father.
‘Crikey, Alice,’ said Eddy. ‘You’ve had a lot going on since I last saw you. You’ve had a lot going on for a full year, in fact. Do you remember when we first walked this route together? You and Maud, following along behind me as I led the way in my big hat.’
‘Of course I remember,’ said Alice, pulling closer to Eddy as they walked. ‘I won’t ever forget that night. You were walking fast, and we hadn’t a clue where we were going. If it hadn’t been for the red flowers on that hat of yours, we would probably have lost our way. Just imagine if we’d never found Stella’s place.’
‘But your face, Alice, and Maud’s when they showed us in. You two looked like Sunday school teachers who’d taken a wrong turning. You wouldn’t even sit down on that velvet settee.’
‘I know,’ laughed Alice. ‘And then when we went through to talk in private with Stella, everything started piling up in my head, and I cried my eyes out. Maud looked so worried, but Stella, she just kept talking and told me everything that I needed to know. And all you seemed to be interested in, Eddy, was having a feel of my belly … and that was the first time that I felt Victoria move, that fluttering inside.’
As they went by Lime Street Station, Alice continued to think about that first night when the three of them had walked past together: the steam rising up into the air, the clanking of metal, the crowds of people around them. She’d felt lost, then, overwhelmed, as if she didn’t have any direction. Now, she picked up on the excitement of passengers heading into the station, and she thought about the last time she had stood under the station clock with Morgan. How she had kissed him. Her skin prickled, and she could almost feel him against her; she knew that she still wanted him.
‘Come on, slow coach,’ said Eddy, dragging Alice past, and then they both dived down the alley together, almost running, holding their hats on as they went.
‘Evening, Sisters,’ said a man, touching his cap as he slouched against the wall with a smoke. ‘You keep up the good work.’
‘We will,’ they both called, before turning the next corner and bursting into giggles. ‘Little does he know that we’re heading to a brothel,’ laughed Alice. ‘And that under this cape and hat, I’ve got a body that fairly recently gave birth to a baby girl out of wedlock.’
‘Little does he know,’ murmured Eddy. ‘But you know what, Alice, I’m sure that the people of Liverpool are some of the best. When you think about it, there are many people here, from all over the world. My father even knows an escaped American slave … We are so lucky to live in this modern world of ours, in a city that’s so full of life.’
‘Yes, we are,’ smiled Alice, looking at her friend as she stood on the step, with her eyes shining, her hair all over the place and her hat so skew-whiff it looked set to slide off her head. ‘We are very lucky indeed. Now come on, let’s get inside and put the kettle on.’
Alice saw the flowers that Morgan had sent resting in the middle of the table. ‘Oooh, these are nice,’ said Eddy, burying her face into the middle of them and having a good sniff, which immediately set her off sneezing.
Marie walked through with Victoria.
‘Hello, my darling,’ said Alice, scowling at the vase of flowers before shrugging off her cape. ‘What have you been doing today?’
‘You’ve being trying to pull yourself up, haven’t you, big girl?’ said Marie, handing the baby over to Alice. ‘She’s growing and changing so much now, Alice. She’ll be running this place before long.’
Alice laughed. ‘Who knows what you’ll be doing, hey?’
‘Nice flowers,’ said Lizzie, wandering in and flopping down in a chair, ready to apply her evening make-up. Alice had got used to her routine, and loved watching the way she held a hand mirror with one hand and carefully smoothed the paint on her lips and expertly drew a black kohl line along her eyelids.
Marie brewed the tea in the pot, and they all sat together in happy companionship whilst Eddy told them the story of the man that she’d seen on the way to her first case that morning, chasing a pig down the street.
And then Stella was in, telling them about the protest march that her and some of the women that she’d met at the midnight suppers were organizing. ‘We’ll walk down Lime Street with our banners flying, we won’t be beaten by the police and their moral enforcement. Ada and Miss Merryweather said they’ll come along. And we’re going to ask Josephine Butler if she’ll lead the way.’ She leant forward across the table towards Alice, and added, ‘You come too, and bring the baby. We’re marching for all women, everywhere, even the tiny, baby ones.’
As she sat with Victoria on her knee, giving her little sips of tea and feeding her crumbs of cake, Alice looked around that table, from one face to another. All of these women are special to me, she thought. If only Maud were here, right now, my world would be almost perfect.
After Eddy had gone, and the baby was sleeping soundly in her crib in the small room that they shared, Alice sat alone in the kitchen by the fire, listening to the spit of the wood and letting her mind drift. The book that she’d almost finished lay face down on the kitchen table. She picked it up and started to read and soon, she had reached the next to last page and the ghosts of Cathy and Heathcliff out on the moor … Alice had tears in her eyes.
There was a murmur of voices in the corridor, and she heard Lizzie’s voice with someone she assumed was a client. Then there was a gentle tap on the door.
‘Come in,’ called Alice softly, wondering why whoever it was needed permission.
The door opened and a broad-shouldered man in a black coat stepped in and stood with his hat clutched in both hands.
Alice gasped and jumped up fro
m her chair, letting the book fall to the floor.
‘I hope you are well, Alice,’ said Morgan. ‘I’d heard that there’d been some kind of difficulty in recent weeks.’
‘I am fine, thank you,’ she said pointedly, enunciating each word with cut-glass precision.
He stood perfectly still, never taking his eyes off her. She felt like he was holding his breath, waiting for her to say something else.
‘Did you like the flowers?’ he asked, gesturing to the vase which had pride of place on the kitchen table.
‘Why did you send them? Why?’ she cried suddenly, forgetting her attempt to keep her feelings hidden.
Annoyingly, she saw what looked like a ray of hope light his face. He infuriated her even further, standing there with the ghost of a smile on his face.
‘I sent them, Alice, because I was thinking about you. In fact, I think about you all of the time, I can’t help it.’
‘Yes, but that doesn’t mean that I think about you,’ she snapped back at him, her mouth tightening.
‘Then I am lost,’ he said, holding out both arms, still holding his hat.
She sensed that he was going to move, she could see him poised. His eyes burned into her as she held his gaze without flinching.
He took a step towards her.
‘Don’t come any closer,’ she shouted, stepping back and causing her chair to screech along the floor. ‘Leave me alone. I don’t want to see you. I don’t want to speak to you …’ but her voice was wavering, and when she looked down, her hands were shaking. She stepped forward and grabbed the table to steady herself.
‘Alice,’ he said softly, and when she looked up he had placed his hat on the table and was gazing at her, his dark eyes pleading.
‘I’ve agonized for all these weeks about coming to see you. I didn’t mean to deceive you; it’s just that the opportunity never seemed to come up to tell you about my circumstances … The fact is, yes, I am married, but it was more of an arrangement than anything. I live mainly at my business address – you remember, that card I gave you, that night in the hospital.’
