They were in the kitchen. He’d poured two glasses of water and gestured to the table and chairs, but she hadn’t taken the water and hadn’t sat down. She leaned her hip against the counter and looked at him.
“A couple questions, actually. Why didn’t you ever kiss me?”
The question shook him. He could have anticipated a million other questions, but not that one. And the way she stood, the answer meant more to her than anything else he could say.
So he went with honesty. At this point, he didn’t have anything to lose. He didn’t know what he truly wanted to gain, but he knew that he’d hurt her deeply by not being honest with her, or himself. So he took a deep breath and dove in.
“We did kiss, once. And it changed my life.” He started strong, but faltered, wondering how far down this rabbit hole he really wanted to go. Deciding water wasn’t going to cut it, he opened the cabinet under his sink and pulled out a bottle of scotch, offering it to Dusty, who shook her head no, before taking a swig from the bottle for himself.
“Me and Sunny were perfect, you know? We had everything, all the plans for a future.” Dusty grabbed her stomach and sank into a chair next to the table. Wrong hole. He was talking about stuff that would take him someplace different. How perfect he and Sunny were together wasn’t what he needed to tell Dusty.
“I mean, I didn’t want anything different when I was with her. When you kissed me, that changed things.” He’d come home from another long day at his office, where he was working as an entry-level accountant, on a floor of accountants for a huge accounting firm in the city. It was a gray day, one with very little color to it, if that made sense. But he’d seen his wife as soon as he’d walked into his apartment building, at the mailboxes by the elevators, like she was leaving, and he kissed her hello. And everything filled with color.
“You know I thought you were her, greeting me after work. But the kiss was so damn different.” He’d never been able to put it into words, the difference. Not that he’d ever tried. But kissing sunshine was like kissing on a rug by the fire with a snowstorm outside. Warm, cozy, comfortable. That kiss that day had been more like kissing in a hurricane.
Her hot little mouth had quickly taken over the kiss. He’d gone in for a peck on the lips, and she’d eagerly opened up under his mouth, twirling her tongue around his. He’d thought to himself, this was different, but he’d gone with it. Maybe his wife had read an article or something in one of those magazines. But she’d acted different, needy even. She’d clutched at him, pressed against him. It had taken a lot of willpower to break the kiss and not have sex with her against the bank of mailboxes in the lobby.
“Then you went to get eggs or whatever and I still believed you were Sunny.” His voice was hoarse with the emotion behind things, because he knew what was next. “I went upstairs to change clothes, and there was Sunny. She asked if I had seen you, and she knew what you’d done. She told me about y’all’s silly game and asked if you were any good.”
“We had a thing. I would always do that. I kissed every boyfriend she ever had, pretending to be her.” He was almost interested in hearing this, had always wondered why Dusty had done it. “At first, it was a game, and I would tell her what I thought of her boyfriend based on his kiss. Whether he was clumsy, too slobbery, a good kisser, if he was selfish, stuff like that. We would compare notes on the guys’ kissing. Then it became a thing, because no one could ever tell us apart, even after the kiss.” Her own voice got lower at the memory. “It really was stupid. And I’m sorry.”
“Well, I hated you for it. You know why? Because it made things not as perfect between me and Sunny. I almost left her, because something about that kiss made me realize there was something missing between me and her. Maybe we were going too fast. I didn’t tell her that, but that kiss put color into my world. She had painted everything in my apartment white and covered it with white stuff. That picture you gave her was the only real color in that damn apartment, and I hated it, because it was the embodiment of my stupidity. If I had seen the picture before, it never would have happened.”
“It was clean. She liked the minimalistic stuff.” He nodded at Dusty’s words. It was clean and feminine and boring. He hadn’t seen it until the kiss.
“I almost left her then. I don’t know if I was going to hunt you down and start something with you or not. I hated that you made things less than perfect with Sunny, but I realized that I had rushed into things with her. But you were gone, having moved on, which meant that I didn’t leave her. I resigned myself to awkward family gatherings with the other woman I’d kissed for the rest of our lives.”
He stopped then, knowing he didn’t really have to say more.
But he did.
“I hated you so much for that. It wasn’t like I had purposely betrayed her, because you tricked me, but in my head, I continued the betrayal. I would imagine she was you when we made love. I thought about leaving her. I fantasized about you in my head. And then she was murdered and I hated myself. Because I hadn’t left her. If I had, she wouldn’t have been there that day. She wouldn’t have made a big deal about the crooked apartment owner raising the rent again, sending his thugs after her. She would have been gone, nursing a broken heart with her parents or something.” She would still be alive.
They would both be a memory for him.
He knew he probably wouldn’t have gone after Dusty. That Theo had never had the balls. He was an accountant for Christ’s sake. He would have gotten fat, maybe remarried someone else, joined a poker club or some shit, probably have kids.
“I’m sorry.” Her words fell flat in the room.
“So that’s why I never kissed you. The first kiss rocked my world in a way I didn’t like. Made me see a bunch of things wrong with sunshine, and things right with you. I couldn’t stop the comparisons, and I didn’t even fucking know you. I spent so long hating you for making me feel things I shouldn’t have. In my head, those comparisons were a betrayal to Sunny, and I hated you for that. I spent years plotting for revenge, and then you came back and fucked it all up. I was afraid to kiss you, because I didn’t know what you would do to me this time.”
There. He’d answered her question. A feeling of unreality overtook him. She was in his living room, when there was a time when he’d believed she would suffer the same fate as Sunny. He’d harbored so much guilt about Sunny, denying his doubts and staying with her to end up keeping her in a position to die the most horrible of ways, and then he’d done the same thing to Dusty. He’d relived the nightmare of Sunny every day for the last ten years, forcing it upon himself as some form of atonement for the guilt he’d felt.
Even now, his gut twisted because now, the guilt he felt wasn’t about Sunny. It was Dusty. For some reason, feelings about Sunny were long gone, replaced with feelings for this woman who was very much alive and standing in his kitchen.
He dropped his head into his hands, staring at the grain of wood on the table, tracing it with his eyes. Elongated swirls, marks of a life long gone, cut down years ago and hewn into a structure for eating, sharing meals, family times, memories.
Like him, sitting in this decrepit old house.
A noise in the silence had him looking up at Dusty. She’d scooted her chair back with a scrape against the hard wood floor. She walked toward him, coming to rest between his knees. She wrapped her arms loosely around his neck, and his own hands reflexively went around her waist.
“Thank you for loving my sister. I know you loved her, no matter what you’re telling yourself now. If you hadn’t loved her, you wouldn’t have stayed with her. You’re a good man.” Her voice was soft, and it unwrapped something he’d kept hidden behind the hate inside him for so long. “Thank you for being there for her so she wasn’t alone.”
And then she hugged him.
She tightened her arms around his neck, bending down and settling herself in his lap. It was an intimate embrace, and he reciprocated, wrapping his arms around her waist and tugging her closer. Her scent overw
helmed him with memories of her apartment—something light and floral. The softness of her body was almost too much to handle, but he couldn’t stop holding her close, using the comfort she offered him.
He kissed her temple, feeling the warmth there, savoring it.
She was offering him a comfort he’d never allowed himself to deserve, and he took it, burying the feelings of inadequacy deep down inside himself. She was here, her soft body wrapping around his.
He’d used her body before. Now he was going to revel in the warmth.
“What else, Dusty?” he murmured into her temple before resting his mouth there and just breathing her in.
“Hmm?”
“You said you had a couple of questions. What other ones do you have?” He tightened his grip, feeling out of sorts. When he’d woken up this morning, this wasn’t what he had in mind for his day.
“Are you happy? Here?”
“I suppose so. I mean, in this moment, with you here, I am happy.”
“So you’re glad you got your revenge?” Her words were quiet, almost tentative. It was like speaking them out loud did something to her. Gave them power? Made it more real? At any rate, they faltered at the end.
“I’ve been asking myself that for months.” He rose, gently setting her on her feet, and walked to the giant picture window. “Am I glad those guys are all dead? Absolutely. Did it do anything to make the loss of Sunny any better? No. Do I feel like a bigger man for killing them? Not really.”
She was having a hard time saying the words. Dusty took a deep breath.
“Well, I feel safer in this world without them.” He was still looking out the window, so he couldn’t see her hands resting on the small lump of her belly. “I feel safer raising a child.”
“Yeah, but they never really targeted kids. That was the only thing they had going in their favor.” He shrugged, but as soon as the words were out, he froze, his body tense. He slowly turned, his eyes wide and his face pale.
He immediately looked at her hands, clasped over her belly, and swallowed. Theo opened his mouth, then closed it.
But he didn’t say anything.
She let out a breath, and with it, all her hopes and expectations for this conversation left.
He hadn’t kissed her. He wasn’t really happy. And he wasn’t overjoyed at being a dad.
“I don’t expect anything from you. I just thought you might like to know.” She turned to leave. “I have everything I need to raise him. You don’t have to help.” Two steps, three.
And then he was in front of her, blocking her way.
“You’re pregnant?” he whispered. “A baby?”
Thank God he didn’t question the paternity. She wasn’t sure if she could make it through that conversation. Instead, she simply nodded, but she couldn’t walk away. His eyes captivated her, his jaw working, ticking as he clenched and unclenched it.
Another swallow.
Then she tilted her head as she watched his eyes water and one lone tear tracked down his cheek.
He pulled her into an embrace so tight she couldn’t breathe.
They stayed like that, in that strange embrace, for a few minutes, before she finally loosened it and took a step backward. He still hadn’t told her to stay, so she made to leave.
“Where will you go?”
“I’m still not sure. My plan is to head west until something looks appealing.” She shrugged and stepped around him.
When he simply nodded, she turned again. Her fists were clenched at her sides, and she had to force her feet to move, but they finally did.
“I meant what I said.”
She froze at the quiet statement. She willed him to repeat it, make her believe it.
Everything he’d said today had been about the past, his feelings back then. He had yet to let her believe he felt anything for her now.
“I love you.”
Slowly, she turned again to face him. He looked utterly defeated, as if her walking away was killing him with each step.
“Then kiss me, Theo.” She gave up on hinting around for what she wanted. “Make me stay. I won’t stay here if you don’t at least tell me what you want from me. I won’t stay here and hope I’m doing the right—” His look stopped her. His eyes were suddenly full of a longing she’d never seen before.
“Are you sure? Swear to God, Dusty. It will change everything.” His voice was tortured, begging for something she couldn’t put words to, but knew she could give him.
“Yes.” One large step and Theo had her in his arms, his mouth crashing down on her lips.
And it was everything.
His hands tugged her close to his body, wrapping around hers in a kiss that lit up everything inside her. His scent surrounded her in a cocoon of safety and belonging. His tongue made sweet promises to her, his arms creating a shield against the outside world.
One hand moved to her neck, tilting her head so he could have better access to her while the other stroked her back, almost lazily, but with an intention she couldn’t ignore.
She wasn’t going to stop this.
Ever.
It was different than she remembered, probably because they’d both lived a lot in ten years, but this kiss held all sorts of promises and dreams she had only glimpsed, but never let herself imagine. This kiss spoke of a lifetime together, not just one night. Visions of lazy weekends together, sweaty nights, and laughter-filled days flitted through her head as Theo’s tongue tangled with hers in an erotic dance.
Finally, he broke the kiss, then buried his hands in her hair and rested his forehead on hers. Breathing heavily, he whispered, “I fucking love you. Don’t go again.”
She smiled softly. “I love you too. That’s all I needed to hear to stay.”
His hands stroked down her back, while a mischievous grin spread across his face, taking her breath away. She would do anything to see that look on his face more often. The heat in his eyes, coupled with the spread of his mouth told her what was about to happen, even before his hands spread on the bottom of her ass and lifted her.
She squealed as she wrapped her legs around his hips and let him carry her to a bedroom upstairs, sparsely furnished like everything else, but she wasn’t noticing it.
She was too busy kissing Theo. It must have distracted him, because he stumbled and they both fell on the bed in a tangle of limbs, her giggling, him chuckling, but the kisses didn’t stop.
Dusty never wanted to stop kissing this man.
Theo had made her wait for this kiss, trying to take the intimacy out of what they’d done together, but it had backfired, hadn’t it? They were pregnant, and she was here, and he was never letting her out of his sight again. He tried to impart that feeling into every touch with her now, but he was so damn happy.
It was hard to stop smiling as he kissed her, hard to stop the trembling in his hands as he touched her. He almost couldn’t believe this was happening.
Had he even woken up this morning? He remembered showering, the scent of his soap, cutting himself shaving, changing the belt on his lawnmower, tending to his bees, snipping the grass under the boxes with his clippers, and then she drove up. It was too detailed to be a dream.
Besides, Theo had never allowed himself to dream of a baby.
“Will we hurt it? The baby?” he asked as he scooted back on the bed with her on top of him.
Her grin as she shook her head no was infectious, and he smiled again. It felt good to smile, so he kept it up as he tugged her dress off.
“Then get naked.”
Instead of following orders, she pulled at his clothes. They fumbled and managed to both get naked, clothing randomly tossed everywhere, before falling back together in a tangle.
She was on top of him, and he sat up as she eased his erection inside her. It felt like a heaven he never let himself dream of. Her warmth was home to him, always had been. As much as it had scared him before, he reveled in it now.
Before, it had created so much anger that he coul
d dare feel this way about her. He’d been terrified of the enormity of his feelings for this woman. But the last months had taught him that Sunny was gone, and even as terribly as she’d gone, she’d want him to move on. Even if it was with the other person she’d loved so much.
He’d accepted it, and the anger had gone.
Theo was the luckiest man alive to have this woman in his life, his bed.
And he was going to show her.
He laved her neck with kisses as she rode him to her completion with a cry. Then with her pussy milking him like a vise, he pushed her down and crawled between her legs to taste her again.
And again.
After Dusty had cried out once more, he took his, holding her limp legs up so he could watch himself as he entered her. Each thrust inside her had her crying out again, in time with his own grunts and moans.
Slick with sweat, Theo felt the telltale tingle in his balls as it spread and flowed through his nerve endings with a violent abandon that left his body shaking, even as he thrust inside her heat once more and held still, his seed coating her insides.
And then he collapsed on top of her, wrapped his arms around her, and rolled to the side. He curled his body around hers, sweat drying under the air-conditioning, sticking them together.
That afternoon, Dusty was looking through Theo’s cabinets and pantry for something she could cook. He had rice, but she didn’t know what to put with it to make a damn meal. That was something she’d never learned to do, whether because she didn’t have the kitchen or the time.
Now, it seemed she had both. She didn’t know what to do.
A feeling of helplessness hit her. This was what she’d wanted, but now that she had it, she didn’t know what to do with it.
Theo had accepted her, wanted her as much as she wanted him. But that wasn’t solving the issues at hand.
What the hell was she supposed to do with herself?
The shower stopped running, which meant Theo would probably come looking for her. She’d planned on having something for them to snack on when he got cleaned up. It wasn’t that she wanted to cook because he was letting her live with him or anything.
The Secrets We Keep Page 12
