by Linda Lovely
“I’m headed to my truck,” Andy said. “I’ll get my big flashlight and grab something to scare off varmints.”
“I’m right behind you,” Paint said. “I’ll get my shotgun.”
I slipped on my Birkenstock sandals and grabbed the heavy sweater I’d flung on a chair. An agitated Cashew circled me, nipping at my toes. Ever since my ill-fated pedicure, she’d been enamored with my pink toenails.
“Sorry, Cashew.” I scooted her back in my bedroom, closed the door, and ran to join Andy and Paint.
Before I made it off the porch, two figures ran out of the barn. They sprinted like the devil himself gave chase. Shaking the ground, another much larger form streaked out and slammed into the slower one, knocking him to the ground.
When the larger shape stomped the earth and bellowed “heeeeeeeeoooooowwww,” I understood. The intruders had somehow managed to aggravate Rita the mule.
Rita’s knockdown victim—definitely a man—scrabbled backwards, trying to get away from her. “Get this crazy bitch off me.”
He should never have called Rita the “B” word. She grabbed his coat in her teeth and wrenched him off the ground. Her head waved side to side as she shook him like a stuffed toy. Her foot-long ears flopped up and down and made a sound like a toy helicopter attempting lift off.
When Rita dropped the man, he scrambled to his feet. Still shaking her head, the mule let him get about ten feet before she shambled after him. The man Rita chased was hauling butt. But his butt wasn’t fast enough. Despite her ambling gait, Rita easily caught up and nosed the intruder in the middle of his back, prompting another sprawl in the dirt.
Paint and Andy zoomed around the corner from their dash to their hidden vehicles. Going after weapons caused them to miss the main act of the Rita show.
“Paint, I smell smoke. I have to get the animals out!” Andy yelled as he disappeared into the barn.
Paint looked frantically from the barn to the fleeing culprits and back again. Then he took off, running after the mule and her quarry. “Rita, stop,” he called.
The mule braked, but seemed disinclined to return to the barn.
Paint raised his shotgun and a blast echoed across the hills.
When I noticed a flicker of flames in the barn window, my attention shifted. The vision lit a fire under me, jolting me out of my dazed hesitation. Smoke hung heavy in the night air.
“No!” I ran to help Andy save the animals.
All our newborn kids… Eva’s horse, Hank. My God.
Andy stumbled out of the barn, dragging a smoking hay bale out to the yard.
“It’s okay,” he yelled. “Fire’s out. Eva keeps a fire extinguisher by the door. Just smoke now.”
“You sure? I smell gasoline.”
“There’s a canister just inside the barn. Our visitors had mega-bonfire plans, but it looks like Rita foiled them.”
Rita brayed and snorted on queue. Paint walked at her side as she strutted across the field, looking for all the world like a triumphant gladiator.
“I’ll get Hank,” I said. Eva’s horse occupied the stall next to Rita’s. Even with assurances the fire was out, I wanted all the animals in the open away from the gasoline.
“Good. I’ll herd the kids outside.” Andy turned to Paint. “Did you wing either creep?”
“No. I chased them, but never had a clear shot. Rita was in the way, so I just fired in the air. Before I could catch up, they jumped on a motorcycle and hightailed it out of range. Didn’t get close enough to see the make of the bike, let alone who they were.”
The riled guard dogs kept barking. I could hardly think with the din.
“Shush, now,” Andy commanded, and the dogs fell silent. The dapper vet appeared to be able to whisper to dogs as well as to Tammy the Pig and Brie the Horny.
Paint and I shooed the kids into a large pen. The babes were old enough to scamper on their own and young enough to forget fear in the face of adventure. They play-butted each other, delighted to be cavorting in the middle of the night.
Once all the animals were safe, we collapsed on hay bales a few yards from the barn door. The adrenaline rush had left me shaky and all of us wired.
“Why?” I asked. “Why would someone do this? Try to burn innocent animals to death?”
“They wanted to scare you off the farm and weren’t quite ready to roast you,” Paint answered. “They didn’t count on Rita the attack mule, and I think they were surprised you had company. Good thing we hid our trucks.”
I couldn’t quit shaking. “I’m so glad both of you were here. Don’t know what I’d have done if I’d been alone. So what now? Eva’s adamant she doesn’t want the sheriff to step foot on the farm. Guess we’re back to calling the state police come morning.”
“This time we need to video the scene before anything can disturb it,” Andy said. “Grab your cell, Brie. Maybe the creeps left some clues.”
I grabbed my cell phone and set it to video. Andy led the way, shining his flashlight beam to and fro as we walked into the now empty barn. Our first stop was outside Rita’s stall door, which lay in splinters. The mule clearly wanted out, and she hadn’t let a few inches of pine stop her.
“Rita drove those thugs off before Paint and I came running. I bet their plans didn’t include abandoning a full container of gasoline. Here’s where I found the smoldering bale,” Andy said.
He bent down, sweeping his flashlight beam across the area in front of the splintered stall. Paint chuckled and pointed to a patch of gooey red on one of the destroyed boards. “They didn’t count on an ornery female. Yep, Rita got him good.”
“What have you found to laugh about?” I asked.
Andy smiled. “Looks like Rita sent a board flying when she kicked out her stall door, and it slapped one of our arsonists square in the mouth.” He bent and picked something out of the dirt and held it up to my cell for a close-up. The jagged remains of a tooth.
“They made a terrible mistake,” he continued. “Even trapped in a stall, a thousand pounds of pissed-off mule is nothing to trifle with. This should help us ID the culprit.”
“Just need to find out who has one less tooth today,” Paint added. “Wish I’d been a little quicker. Between the racket the dogs were raising, our shouts, and a kick in the teeth, the bastards got out while the getting was good.”
I shuddered. “Maybe we can ask the sheriff and his deputies to appear in a lineup and smile. I have the distinct feeling at least one of them is involved.”
“My vet kit is in the truck. I saw some blood near that tooth. I’ll smear some samples on slides for analysis and bag that tooth,” Andy added.
“Good.” I nodded. “I’m not going to call Mom and Dad in the middle of the night. In fact, I don’t want to tell them about this, period. It’ll give them one more reason to insist I move off the farm, but we can’t keep an attempted arson secret. We need to bring in the law.” My shoulders slumped. “Maybe my folks are right. Maybe I have no business staying on Udderly when we haven’t the foggiest notion why any of this is happening or who’s behind it. Eva’s already in jail. What more do they want?”
“They must know you’re nosing around and want you to stop.” Paint looked at his friend, and Andy nodded his agreement.
“I think Paint and I just made a pact,” Andy said. “Doesn’t matter who is behind this. We won’t let them scare us off. The two of us will stick to you like glue. Nobody’s going to hurt you or Eva.”
Andy knelt and picked up a barbaric looking pair of giant tongs with chains attached.
“What in blazes have you got there?” Paint asked.
Andy grinned. “A calf jack. First thing I saw in my truck when I grabbed the flashlight. Figured I could use it as a weapon. Swing the chains like one of those wicked Chinese thingies.”
“Well, it would scare the crap out of me,”
I said. “How do you use it?”
“Attach the chains to a calf’s legs to wench it out when there’s a breech birth.”
I shuddered. “Remind me never to recommend you to any friends in need of an obstetrician.”
Though I wouldn’t mind borrowing Andy’s calf jack to make the arsonists wish they’d never been born.
THIRTY-ONE
The alarm startled me. Lord in heaven, could it be five thirty? My eyes burned like someone had dusted them with cayenne. Voices rumbled just beyond my bedroom door. Paint and Andy. In the stingy light of dawn, last night’s excitement replayed in my mind like a grainy, old-time movie. Still powerful enough to creep me out.
I smelled coffee. Heaven. The studly duo had me reconsidering my options. Maybe my past relationship problem was monogamy. Having two men around was rather nice. Time for a reality check, Brie. How long would this trio ménage?
I jumped into jeans and a long-sleeved tee and ran my fingers through my unruly curls. Best I could do in the grooming department until I could lay my hands on a washcloth and toothbrush. With three people and one john, there was probably a line. At least I could grab some rescue caffeine.
“Hey, pretty little one. Come on over.”
Huh? Tiny toenails clicked across the wood floor as Cashew scampered over to Andy, who was filling my pup’s breakfast dish.
I chuckled. “Wondered who you were talking to. Kind of doubted you were calling Paint to breakfast.”
“It might have been you.” Andy smiled. “You can pull off pretty even while you’re yawning.”
Somehow the mention of a yawn only made my mouth gape wider. My own breath practically made my eyes water. “Pretty sorry you mean. Is the bathroom free?”
“All yours,” Paint answered as he opened the door.
Yikes, bare-chested again, and looking delicious.
He bowed me inside the tiny bath like a waiter. “Want me to pour you some coffee?”
“Lord, yes. As Aunt Eva’s prone to say, I’ll be back in two shakes of a goat’s tail.”
I’m not sure it took more than one shake to splash cold water on my face and brush my teeth. Coffee wasn’t just calling my name, it was screaming.
A steaming mug waited next to a seat sandwiched between Andy and Paint.
“So tell us what chores need doing,” Paint said.
Fortunately, Eva’s hired helpers were back on the job this morning, which meant the remaining chores were menial. By the time I’d downed my coffee, we’d divvied up assignments. I promised the guys breakfast—a simple one—as soon as we finished.
I hurried through egg gathering and feeding Rita and Hank. We’d returned them to their stalls shortly after moving the charred hay and gas can. Since Rita’s stall no longer had a door, we clipped rope guards in place.
After I finished my chores, I multitasked, phoning Kathy while I fried bacon and eggs and popped English muffins in the toaster. I’d slather my muffin with peanut butter.
“Kathy, it’s Brie.”
I smiled at her delighted shriek of surprise and the rapid-fire volley of questions that followed. All demanding to know what I’d been up to and if I’d found a leading man for my romance. At first, she thought I was joking about taking up residence at Udderly Kidding Dairy. She quieted quickly as I explained Aunt Eva’s plight. Kathy shared what she knew about Tisnomi’s pending purchase of Sunrise Ridge and promised to call once she nosed around for up-to-the-minute details.
When my companions returned to the cabin, I quickly plated their breakfasts.
“You can’t get eggs any fresher than this,” I said. “Fortunately for Tammy the Pig the bacon’s not quite as fresh.”
Both men laughed.
“Speaking of pigs, do you mind cooking for meat eaters like us?” Andy asked.
“Nope. But if we weren’t in such a hurry, I’d try to lure you into the vegan camp with whole wheat waffles with almonds, strawberries, and real maple syrup.”
“Ooh, I’m yours,” Paint said.
“Me, too,” Andy added.
“I’m afraid there’s no time today to try and woo you to vegan cuisine.” Could I fit wooing into the nighttime schedule?
I filled them in on the tidbits I’d learned from Kathy. Though she worked halfway round the world, she knew more about Sunrise Ridge than any of us sitting twenty miles away. Kathy’d already asked plenty of questions since she was hoping Tisnomi would purchase the property and give her an excuse to visit her American family.
“Tisnomi has set this coming Friday for a go, no-go decision on the project,” I explained. “That’s when their purchase option expires. Even though a settlement was reached, concerns raised by environmentalists about the undeveloped tract have made them nervous. More importantly, a North Georgia developer is courting them, trying to interest them in a similar project.”
Andy’s fingers traced the logo on his coffee mug. “Wonder what will happen to our local hotshots if the deal goes south?”
“If Sunrise Ridge goes belly up, Sheriff Jones and Deputy West had better like beans,” Paint said. “Imagine that’s all they’d be able to afford if they put all their eggs in the Sunrise Ridge basket. ’Course, I still can’t fathom how they ever gathered enough eggs to invest in Sunrise Ridge.”
“It sure wasn’t family money—unless they have relatives in a wealthy crime family.” Mollye’s booming voice made me jump.
“Hey, Mollye. Didn’t hear you drive up.”
“Are we great bodyguards, or what?” Andy commented. “I heard a car but figured it was one of Eva’s helpers. You’d think we’d be more alert after last night.”
“Last night? Do tell,” Mollye urged.
Her question shepherded the conversation away from Sunrise Ridge and onto our arsonist visitors. As Mollye digested the news, her plump lips curved upward in a sly smile.
“I had a wee bit of excitement of my own last night, which included a long talk with Deputy Danny—”
“Between pillow fights?” Paint interrupted.
Mollye batted her eyelids. “Pillows may have been involved, but no fights. Danny’s a sweet boy. He may not be the brightest bulb, but he accidentally shed light on what Sheriff Jones and Deputy West might be up to. Next time we ‘chat’ I’ll inquire about any co-workers with dentist appointments. I do know West owns a motorcycle.”
“What did you learn from Danny?” I prodded.
“One of the sheriff’s cousins owns a company that rents construction equipment, and Danny overheard Jones saying something about a backhoe. Since Danny loves big machines, he asked Jones what job he was working on. The sheriff claimed he was helping his cousins dig a pond on the Nelson farm. Wouldn’t you know it’s just down the road from Udderly Kidding Dairy?”
I tucked that info nugget away. Did the relocated skeleton belong to Kaiser, scam artist extraordinaire? Were his bones destined to be interred at the bottom of a farm pond? How would we ever find out?
“Earth to Brie.” Mollye’s voice broke through my wool gathering. “Are you going to tell your parents about last night’s excitement?”
“Yes, right after the bail hearing. Mom will call as soon as they spring Eva. I don’t want to add to our family drama until my aunt’s out of jail.”
Andy and Paint got up from the table and put their dirty plates in the dishwasher, earning more brownie points. I was becoming quite fond of both men. Too fond.
“I have some furry patients to visit.” Andy waved his cell phone. “But please call and let me know what happens at Eva’s bail hearing.”
“Me, too,” Paint said. “As soon as Eva’s sprung, tell her Andy and I plan to return on night watch. I’m also going to visit the security guru who put in Magic Moonshine’s system. See if he has suggestions to beef up Udderly security with some high-tech extras.”
“Like perimet
er land mines?” Mollye suggested.
“Nah,” Andy answered. “We don’t want to harm any innocent four-legged trespassers, just two-legged bastards.”
After Andy and Paint left, Mollye dallied to share a bit more gossip and pry into my next-to-nonexistent love life. She had a hard time fathoming how I continued to sleep solo with a handy choice of two hunks bunking a few feet away.
“Come on, Mollye. Can you really imagine sleeping with one when his best friend could hear every creak of the bed?”
“Yeah, maybe it wouldn’t be the best timing,” she agreed. “So given your seemingly puritan views on threesomes, who’s it going to be?”
I shook my head. “You’re impossible. New subject. What do you know about the Nelsons down the road, and how can we get on that property to see if they’re excavating a new pond?”
“My mom knows Granny Nelson,” she answered. “Let me think on it. Keep me posted on Eva’s release. I want to welcome her home.”
Noon had almost arrived when my cell phone finally rang. “Honey, just wanted to let you know the judge finally granted bail, though that horse’s ass of a solicitor did all he could to argue against it. You’d think Eva was a vicious serial killer plotting to assassinate a presidential candidate. Afraid it’ll be several hours before we can spring Eva. Even with a half-million-dollar bond, the judge insisted on fitting her with an electronic anklet to track her whereabouts. A deputy is taking her to Greenville for the fitting.
“Dad and I will follow and bring her home. I doubt she’s going to take kindly to house arrest. She’s only allowed to step off the property to attend church or visit a doctor. Anywhere else and they’ll throw her back in jail.”
I’d been poised to tell Mom about last night’s attempted arson. I clamped my mouth shut. If Eva was going to be imprisoned on the farm, I didn’t want her here by her lonesome. I felt certain Andy and Paint would feel the same. Of course, many more bodies sleeping in the cabin and we’d be sharing beds a la Mollye’s fantasies. Okay, my fantasies, too.
Stow it. Not the time or place. I needed to dedicate my limited brain power to Eva’s predicament and unmasking the a-holes intent on harassing anyone who dared to stay on Udderly.
