by M. A. Lee
***
After we cleaned up and dressed, Smalls and I sat on my bed where we had just been naked and making love. Our hands were joined and I couldn’t help but smile as Smalls continued to sneak little peeks at me instead of watching the movie we had turned on. Isaac was still on his date with Lauren and I knew he probably wouldn’t be back for hours. In my rush to be with Smalls, I hadn’t thought to lock the door. I’m sure he would have killed us both if he had come home during our session.
“So…” Smalls began as he picked up the remote and turned off the television. “Can we talk about that drawer?” he asked as his eyes glinted toward the table.
“Sure. What do you want to know?” I asked coyly.
Well…” Smalls began. “How many guys have you used that stuff with?”
“Three,” I answered honestly. “I was in long term relationships with two and one guy I really cared about, but we couldn’t make it work.”
Nodding his head, Smalls thought what I said over. “So, I assume you must really like a guy to let them use whips and handcuffs with you. That seems like a trust move.”
“Yes, I have to feel comfortable and safe with a guy to let them tie me up and bound me during an intimate moment.” I knew what Smalls was hinting at, but I had been firm that nothing could happen between us. At least not with a relationship.
“Do you feel safe and comfortable with me?” Smalls asked carefully. It was clear from the glimmer in his eyes and the lust lining his voice that Smalls wanted more than anything to try out my drawer of fun, but it was also clear that he wanted me to be ok with it too.
“I do,” I answered honestly. Linking our fingers again, I moved closer toward him on the bed. “I really like you, Smalls. I haven’t felt this way about many guys, and you are totally not someone I would ever have dated before, but there is something about you I like, but you know I can’t do this.”
Leaning in, Smalls kissed me. This time our kiss wasn’t filled with lust and need and a wild sensation. No, this time our kiss was lined with passion and care and a little of something else I wasn’t ready to admit to just yet.
“I’m glad,” he admitted with a sigh. He seemed nervous and I was beginning to grow anxious by his sudden change in demeanor. “I really like you. But, you have to trust me that our little secret will break Isaac if he finds out from anyone but us.”
My mind thought back to Cole and how he had looked at me when we had talked. He knew there was something between me and Smalls. I couldn’t tell him then, I wasn’t sure how I could tell Isaac.
“Look, for now. This has to remain a secret. There is a strong attraction pulling us together. I like you too, but I also care about my brother. Until the time is right, please don’t break this secret,” I begged.
Rolling back on top of me, Smalls gave me a devilish grin. “I will only agree if you promise to get that whip out again,” he said with a kiss.
Agreeing, I smiled as I allowed Smalls to take me to another level of ecstasy
9
SMALLS
I knew I was wrong.
Everything about what I was doing was wrong.
But, it was so right too.
I liked Kat, cared for her way too much than I was used to. I was feeling things I had never felt before and it both terrified and intrigued me.
Isaac and Lauren were now a couple and Cole and Melanie were… well it was complicated between those two.
Kat and I were hooking up on a regular basis now and while it was fun keeping her as my own dirty little secret, it was also frustrating to know that I could just grab her and pull her to me whenever I wanted to. I had to watch everyone else around me kiss and hug and be with the person they cared about. But me, no I couldn’t have that. I had to keep Kat a secret.
We are consenting adults. What we are doing isn’t bad. However, Isaac has some strange hold over his sister. I get they grew up with a difficult family and they really only had one another, but she has to learn to let others in too.
Isaac says she has grown a lot, even has some friend named Grace too. I don’t give a shit about any of that. The only thing I care about is proving to Kat that she can trust in me that I am worth revealing our relationship. I am not going to hurt her. I am not going to leave her.
I want this girl and I intend to make her mine. Now.
10
KAT
Smalls and I had been finding fun and sneaky ways to hook up and be together without letting anyone else around us know. I have to admit, it is kind of fun. But, at the same time, I want to hug him and be in his arms in front of people too. I just have to find the right time to show everyone that I can handle this relationship and I won’t ruin things for my brother.
Isaac and Lauren had gone off to visit Lauren’s family for the weekend and Cole and Melanie were going to her parent’s house too. Jagger was off with some girls he had met for a weekend in the mountains. It was just going to be me and Smalls this weekend and I couldn’t wait to be around him, in public, without any fear.
We had agreed to go to dinner, an actual date! We met at the small campus bar and grille after Smalls finished with his last client. When I saw him jogging up to the front of the bar, his hair was still damp from a fresh shower and he wore a pair of dark jeans and a black Metallica shirt. He was adorable and sexy as a beast all wrapped in one tasty package.
Noticing me, Smalls did a quick double take and stopped dead in his tracks. “Wow, you look sexy as hell,” he said as he licked his lips.
Drawing me to him, I got a scent of his spicy after shave and I almost suggested we skip dinner, but I thought otherwise.
“I wanted to enjoy our first and probably only date night,” I stated with a kiss to his sweet lips. I had plans for those lips later too.
When we walked in, we were instantly seated since it was early and the dinner rush hadn’t arrived yet. We were seated in a cozy booth in the back where we had a great view of the television sets which were tuned into some sports station.
We began chatting about our day, and my massive homework load. Even though I was attending a small art school, the homework was intense. Everything seemed to be going fine until I saw Smalls tense and sit up straight. Blood drained from his face and he looked as if he had just seen a ghost. Shit, he must see Isaac. Maybe he and Lauren changed their plans and came home.
“Are you ok?” I asked, leaning forward in my seat. I began to scan the room looking for any sign of my brother or one of his friends, but I didn’t see anyone I knew.
“No,” Smalls said as he shook his head. “Shit, not now,” Smalls said under his breath.
Turning in my seat, I looked behind me where Smalls was staring. A man was walking toward us and he didn’t look happy to see Smalls either.
“Who is that?” I asked, growing nervous at his sudden change in appearance and demeanor.
“That,” Smalls began with a sneer, “Is my Dad.”
“That’s your dad?” I asked, trying to smooth down my unruly hair. I hadn’t heard Smalls talk about family. From what Isaac had told me, Smalls didn’t really have parents. They had disowned him years ago and he had been on his own forever.
“It depends on what qualifies as a dad.” He responded, a cold, bitterness to his tone. His eyes were glazed over and his fists were tightly clenched at his sides. He didn’t look like the sweet, calm guy I had met only a few weeks ago. No, this man looked angry, almost wild as he stood before the overdressed couple before us. “My dad thinks I am trash because of what I do. He sees my tattoos and all he cares to think about is how I disappointed him.”
Reaching out his hand, the man walked closer, closing the small distance between us. “Hello, son.” His voice was just as cold as Smalls, only his eyes had something else sparking within, something I couldn’t put my finger on yet.
“What are you doing here?” Smalls asked, stepping in front of me like he was trying to protect me from these people.
“Well, that’s a fine g
reeting for your father.” The man replied taking a step back toward the woman accompanied him. Her frigid appearance and the way she turned her nose up at me told me she wouldn’t be someone I would be having a friendly conversation with anytime soon.
Huffing and taking another step in front of me Smalls became someone I didn’t know. His tone, his stance, his voice all changed before my eyes. I didn’t know whether I should be afraid or turned on.
“Stop,” Smalls shouted, causing everyone in the small restaurant to look our way. Startled I stepped back, bumping my hip into the side of the table where Smalls had just been sitting. He continued, his voice still full of rage. “Don’t’ pretend like you’re my dad because we are in front of people you don’t know. You donated sperm, and then you left. In my book, that does not qualify as a dad.”
Shock and confusion swept through my body. Just as I thought I had this man figured out, he went and caused another storm in our already rocky relationship.
Glancing at me like I was garbage, the man turned and walked away shaking his head. Without turning, he shouted one last comment before he and the bitchy looking lady he was with left. “By the way, your brother says hello.”
Dad. Brother. Family. I was beyond confused at this point. Had Smalls been lying to me all this time? Was he ashamed of me? My mind was reeling with questions I wanted to ask but didn’t know where to begin.
“What the hell was that?” I asked, grabbing Smalls's arm and forcing him to look at me.
“That was nothing.” He replied finding his spot in the booth again.
Shaking my head, I tried to replay the disastrous encounter again. “You have never once talked about your dad, or your family really. And suddenly a dad appears and tells me you have a brother.” My voice shook; I was angry and confused a terrible combination for an overly emotional girl with a kick ass attitude. “Why didn’t you tell me they lived close? From the way you talked, I assumed they lived far away from here.”
“It didn’t seem important,” Smalls said, his eyes darting around the space. I didn’t like that he didn’t look at me. Actually, what really seemed to piss me off was that he failed to introduce me to his dad and the woman with him. “Isaac, Cole, Jagger and you are my family.”
“But…” I began, however, Smalls refused to let me finish.
“I said it was nothing, forget it.” His tone was matter of fact, but his eyes gave him away. Locked deep inside this seemingly calm man was a hurt child filled with rage. I wanted to hug him, to hold him tightly against me and let him know everything would be ok, but another part of me wanted to scream at him for the way he had just handled that situation.
“No,” I shouted loudly, gaining the attention of the other customers. “You don’t talk to me like that. I just sat here and was looked down upon by your father, who you have never talked about. I have told you about my family. I have shown you my personal drawings and shared my most intimate parts with you. But you- you keep yourself hidden to me. I’m risking ruining my relationship with my brother for you and you can’t share something like this with me?”
Standing, Smalls tried to console me as he leaned in and tried to grab me. Holding my hand out, I pushed him back. “No more until you answer a few questions.”
He stopped mid step, and shook his head. “I told you I don’t want to talk about it.” He spoke through clenched teeth. “You refuse to tell your brother about what we have. About this amazing connection we share but you think you have a right to yell at me because I don’t want you to meet my asshole of a father?”
Every instinct told me to stop, that I was pushing a line that was not meant to be crossed, but I didn’t care. If we were going to try to make this work, he had to be honest with me.
“I want to go back home,” I demanded.
Smalls shook his head and began to lead me to the exit. As we walked to the truck, we remained in silence. We didn’t even speak once on the drive home. When we finally made it back to Isaac’s house, I expected for him to just drop me off and leave, but instead he followed me inside the house.
“Kat, talk to me. I told what I want to share,” Smalls added.
I sat down, unsure if my legs could continue to hold me up after another blow from Smalls.
“I know what you said, but I need answers. My fearing my brother isn’t the same as you hiding a family from not only me, but from Isaac and Cole too. They don’t know about them do they?” I sat on the couch and motioned for him to do the same. “You keep telling me you want this to work, but I have to know about your life. Trust me.” I was pleading, almost begging this man to share his life with me. Why did that seem so hard? He paused for so long, and now he acted as if he didn’t want to let me in.
“My life is…..complicated.” He finished as he sat down next to me. “I don’t want to pull you into the drama I walked away from. “ Searching his face, the sexy and mysterious man was gone.
“You have to open up to me,” I shouted as I threw my hands up in the air in defeat.
Shaking his head, Smalls eyes seemed to ice over. I didn’t like the look of the guy who I fantasized about each night. “You are being too dramatic about this. Kat, you push everyone away with your sarcastic comments and shocking clothes. Just because I chose to ignore the monsters who walked away from me doesn’t make us any different. ”
Slamming my fists on the table, I moved out of my seat and stood next to our table. “I am not being dramatic. What I am, is pissed. Why didn’t you introduce me to him?” I asked.
Smalls eyes grew wide with fear and he opened his mouth to speak. “I would never introduce you to my father. He doesn’t deserve to know you. Now, leave it alone.”
“Ok. I will leave it alone. “I smiled and looked around. “But you need to leave.”
Jumping up I stalked to the door where I intended to throw him out of the house. Following me, Smalls grabbed me by the arm and forced me to spin around and look at him. “Hold on, you don’t need to make me leave,” he said as he looked at me.
“Smalls, I thought we had something special, but I guess I was wrong. Maybe if I had perfect hair and wore the right clothes we could have made this work. But clearly, you are too embarrassed of me.
Smiling up at me with his sexy smirk, Smalls made my insides quiver. “Is that what you really think? That I want someone different than you? Damn, I guess I had us all wrong. I thought you got me. That you understood me. Maybe I was the one who was wrong about you,” Smalls said.
His words seemed to punch me in the stomach. Instantly I felt like I was going to vomit from his revelation. I had to get him away from me now.
“Go,” I screamed.
“Kat…” Smalls began but I stopped him from saying anything else.
“I told you this was a mistake. This could never go anywhere. Just leave now,” I demanded.
Shaking his head, Smalls walked past me and left. I slammed the door behind him and shut Smalls and our relationship out of my life.
11
KAT
Since my disastrous weekend with Smalls, I had somehow found a way to cling to my new friend Grace. She had been hanging out with some mystery guy that she wasn’t sharing just yet, but I didn’t mind. I know I sound hypocritical right now. Allowing Grace to keep a secret but not Smalls. But trust me, this is completely different.
Grace had texted me and begged me to hang out with her after I got off work at the shop. I had been avoiding Smalls and thankfully, he had been avoiding me too.
Grace: You ready?
Me: Five more minutes
I texted back as I closed down my computer and checked the appointments for the following week. Smalls was finishing up on a client so I had the perfect chance to escape without being seen.
I left the shop and met Grace at a local diner where we ate and caught up on school and gossip.
“Are you ok?” she asked, noticing my far away stare as I played with a French fry on my plate.
Shaking my head no, I
shrugged. “I’m just in a weird place,” I admitted.
“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked.
“Not yet,” I half smiled.
Grace only shook her head. That was one thing I loved about Grace and what made her my only real friend. She respected my privacy and didn’t push me too hard, like Smalls had. When I am ready to talk, she knows I will share with her. Same goes with her too.
“You know what, maybe what you need is a change,” she said with a wild smile.
“Yeah, I’m listening,” I smirked back.
“You like weird stuff, maybe you need new clothes or a new hairstyle,” she added.
Anyone else saying I liked weird stuff would have ended up on the floor with a bloody nose, but not Grace.
“I like the idea of new hair,” I said.
My hair was still pink, but I could go for a new color and cut.
Clapping her hands, Grace squealed. “I know just the place,” she sang.
***
I ran my hands through my new hair-cut, a short pixie cut with fire red tips. I loved how awesome the red looked on my black as night hair. With my hair gone, I somehow felt like I had cut out the negative energy in my life. If only I didn’t have to see Smalls everyday… I sighed with relief and stood and thanked the girl for a job well done.
Leaving the salon, I drove with Grace back to Isaac’s house where she dropped me off.
When I walked inside the house, Isaac and Lauren were laying on the couch watching a movie.
With his eyes growing wild, he took in my new appearance. “Do you like it?” I asked before he could say anything else.
Isaac only shook his head. “New color?” he asked.
“Shut up, Isaac. You know my hair was pink,” I yelled.
“It changes so much. If you like it, then that is all that matters,” he said as he turned back to the movie.
Huffing, I wanted to throw something at him.
