by Claire Adams
It doesn’t work.
“Dane, I can give you a recommendation, but I just can’t afford to pay you anymore.”
“I just moved into a new fucking place, Jim,” I snap. “How am I supposed to pay for shit if I don’t have a job?”
“You’re a great chef,” Jim says, “but I’m out of options.”
“What if I stay on at a lower salary?” I ask. “Come on, man, I just need enough to pay rent and all that. People are going to start coming back as soon as—”
“What?” Jim asks. “People are going to start coming back as soon as the economy recovers? The people who have the most money aren’t fucking spending it, Dane. That’s why the economy’s in the goddamned tank. That’s why l’Iris is circling the drain.” He puts his hands together and leans forward. “Look, I’ve put in too much time, money, and energy to let this place go under without a fight, but I’m getting my ass handed to me, here. Trust me, letting you go isn’t an easy—”
“So that’s it, then?” I ask. “You’re firing me? I put this place on the fucking map, Jim. I’ve got just as much blood and sweat in this hole as you do and you’re just going to throw me overboard?”
Jim takes a moment.
“You’re not the only one I have to let go, Dane, but you’re the one with the biggest salary. When things get back on track—”
“What?” I ask. “You’ll condescend to offer me the same job that I’ve been doing six years in this clusterfuck of a city? You can shove that up your fucking dick hole.”
“Oh, for God’s sake, will you grow up?” Jim yells. “Six years I’ve been listening to you screaming that bullshit in the kitchen like you’re Gordon Fucking Ramsay and I’m sick of it. If you were him, this place wouldn’t be falling apart, I’d have money in the till, and we wouldn’t have to keep moving the tables farther from the kitchen.”
“You know I—”
“Will you just listen to me?” he interrupts. “In spite of all your bullshit, I like you, Dane. You’re a foul-mouthed asshole, but you are a good chef. This isn’t personal, got it? I would have offered you sous chef just to keep you on if I didn’t think—”
“That it would be a slap in the face and the kitchen staff would never respect me again?” I ask.
“This is your problem, Dane; you’re too fucking arrogant. If I thought you could work under anyone other than me, I wouldn’t have to let you go, but you can’t,” Jim says, leaning back in his chair. “I looked at the books, and I can keep you on for another month or so, but that’s it. You’ve got to find something else.”
“This is such—”
“I don’t have a choice, Dane,” Jim says. “I’ll give you a good recommendation. I’ll help you get set up somewhere else, but I can’t keep you here.”
“Yeah, don’t do me any favors,” I say, getting up from my chair. “I’ll stay on for a while, but don’t expect Cannon to amount to shit. He needs someone to breathe down his neck and berate him or he falls apart like a little bitch that couldn’t make himself a bowl of cereal.”
“I’ll take that under advisement,” Jim says. “Hey, I’m sorry it has to be this—”
“Oh, fuck yourself, Jim,” I tell him, and am back in the kitchen a minute later.
On the upside, that’s nowhere near the first time I’ve told my boss to fuck himself. On the downside, I think that’s the first time he really knew that I meant it.
I’ll be lucky if he keeps me on until the end of my shift.
Somehow, he resists the temptation to fire me straight away, but I don’t know what I’m supposed to tell Roommate Chick. Although I’m fairly certain that learning her name would be a positive step before I tell her I just lost my job. First, though, I’ll have to tell her what it is that I actually do. That’ll be a great conversation.
When I get home, Roommate Chick is sitting on the couch, reading.
She’s obviously busy, so I decide not to disturb her.
“Hey,” she says, not looking up from her book.
Shit.
“Hey,” I answer. “How’s it going?”
“Fine,” she says, turning the page. “Where’d you get the confit de canard?”
“I didn’t get it,” I tell her.
“Whatever. I’ve been looking for a place that serves a decent version of it. Where’d you pick it up?”
Right now, I’m fighting two urges: my chef’s pride wants me to tell her that I made it. On the other hand, if I tell her, she’s going to want me to cook for her all the time. Worse than that, the conversation will inevitably lead to the one topic I’m trying to avoid.
“I picked it up at some French place a few blocks from here.”
It’s not a complete falsehood. L’Iris is only a few blocks from the apartment, and I do work there, for now, anyway.
“Does this place have a name?”
“Yeah, but I can’t pronounce it,” I lie. Day one on the job was learning the proper French pronunciation of everything in the restaurant, and I do mean everything.
Jim insists that we call the spoons “Cuillère.”
She scoffs and returns the modicum of focus she was expending on me back to her book. Or, at least that’s what I was hoping she was doing.
“Do you remember the address?” she asks, her eyes moving side to side as she reads.
“Not remotely.”
That one’s not a lie.
“Do you know the name of the chef?” she asks. “I could probably look it up from that.”
“You really liked it, huh?” I ask, secretly patting myself on the back.
“Yeah,” she says. “Oh well. If you can’t remember, you can’t remember.”
“All right,” I say, and start to walk back toward my room.
“Only…”
I stop.
“I don’t know. I’d love to find out where you got it. It’s the best confit de canard I’ve had since—well, it’s the best I’ve had in years.” She finally looks up from her book. “Maybe sometime when you’re free we could walk through the area. I’m sure we could find it.”
I have to give her something; otherwise every conversation is going to end up here. We really don’t have anything else to talk about.
“It has a flower on the sign,” I tell her. “Other than that, I’m not sure that—”
“L’Iris?” she asks, her breath bated.
“I don’t know,” I say. “Maybe.”
When I’m free and clear of the restaurant, I’ll tell her where to go. Not that Cannon could even dream of making confit de canard without me holding his hand and slapping him in the face with it.
“I bet that’s it,” she says. “I’ve wanted to try it out, but I hear the chef is a real jerk.”
“You don’t say.”
“Yeah,” she says. “If the food’s that good, though, maybe it’s time to drop in and see what happens.”
“Nah,” I tell her. “I could hear that guy from the kitchen. Everything was ‘fuck this,’ and ‘fuck that.’ It kind of kills the mood.”
“Yeah,” she says. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe I’ll just have Mike go in there for me. People who curse all the time get on my last nerve. I mean, what kind of idiot—”
She pauses a moment and looks up, but she doesn’t look at me.
“Thanks for picking that up for me, anyway,” she says, and goes back to her book.
I smile, but don’t pursue the insult.
It’s already 12:30, and if I’m going to find any wet comfort, I’d better get showered, changed, and on my way. Otherwise, I’m going to end up booty-calling one of last month’s rejects, and that’s really not worth the drama if I can avoid it.
Chapter Five
Work, Work
Leila
A couple of weeks have gone, and I haven’t kicked Dane out yet.
That’s not a testament to his improving manners: rather, my saintlike patience.
I’m walking down the hall at the firm right now, hoping Mr. K
idman isn’t in his office.
Every time I pass, he calls me in just to see if I’m going to take him to HR for sexual harassment this time.
To tell the truth, I would—the man’s a degenerate—if I didn’t know he was just trying to get fired so he could cash in his ridiculously bloated severance package. This may be the only situation in which I’m willing to put up with his crap.
I pass the office, but am immediately beckoned back.
Unfortunately, Mr. Kidman is one of my many, many bosses. If he wasn’t, I’d just keep walking and let him use someone else for his little game.
“Miss Tyler,” he says as I poke my head into his office. “You look absolutely fuckable today.”
“Did you want something, or are you just trying to make me think you have a less embarrassing package than you actually do?” I ask.
It helps that I can give as good as I get.
“You know I love it fiery,” he smirks. “Why don’t you waddle that juicy ass over here and pick up this file? It needs to go to Atkinson, so don’t suck any dicks on your way to his office. This needs to go out today.”
Okay, maybe I can give as good as I can get, but this jerk is so far past the line, I almost don’t care that one complaint from me and he’d get rewarded with a check larger than what I’ll make in my lifetime. It’s almost worth it just to have the man out of my life.
This is really a horrible position to be in.
I walk over to his desk and take the file.
“Now, why don’t you give me a little kiss,” he says.
“Try it and you’re going to find the business end of my high heel embedded in your left grape.”
He just laughs, and I am so sick of it.
I don’t know if he actually thinks I’m enjoying this or what, but I do know that things only got worse when I told him to stop.
My only consolation is that my silence is causing him pain.
“One more thing,” he says as I’m almost out the door.
“What?” I ask; any tolerance I had left now gone completely.
“Would you mind walking out again, only this time with your skirt pulled up above that bubble butt of yours?”
Leila, don’t hit senior citizens. It’s not worth it. You’ll be the one to end up in jail.
Oh, but it would be so worth it.
“Screw you.”
As I exit the office, fully intending to just give up and get the prick fired, I glance back: he’s smiling and pumping his arm in celebration. Getting him fired is what he wants, but I can’t deal with his crap much longer before I come in here and become the latest office shooting statistic.
And I’m really a very calm, nice person.
I get the file to Atkinson’s office. Luckily for me, he’s always been respectful.
The problem with Atkinson is that he always has a couple dozen things for me to do, and I’m not sure he realizes that I’m still an intern.
It’s not like I haven’t told him a few dozen times.
He tries to get me to make a call to the SEC and go over my monthly numbers as some part of our firm’s latest investigation that I still don’t quite understand, but I have no personal numbers to go over. To make the conversation go more quickly, I just tell him that it’s already taken care of.
He smiles, and I only end up getting coffee for him and half the floor, emptying his wastebasket, calling his wife to tell her that he won’t be home until after midnight because he’s slammed with work and then call his favorite drinking buddy to tell him that they’re still on for 6 o’clock, water his plants, place his picture of the Great Wall in a more feng shui-friendly position, explain to him yet again that I don’t know anything about money laundering, but reassure him that I’ll look into it, tell him which tie is most appropriate for a trip to a sports bar, and organize his stack of subpoenas by date of appearance.
This is my job.
And college was so exciting.
I stayed up every night before an exam to make sure I’d always be at the top of my class. A social life was a concept that I only became aware of in a sociology class, and then only as a study of human behavior. It was never a participatory topic for me.
Now, I’m the office bitch, and this is somehow supposed to prepare me for life as a big time broker.
“Hey, Lei-Lei,” Annabeth says.
She’s the only one here who knows the hell that is this job. By that, I mean she’s also an intern.
“Hey, Annabeth,” I sigh.
“Bad day?”
“I don’t know if I remember what a good one is to make a suitable comparison,” I answer. “How about you?”
“Well,” she says, “I tried slapping Mr. Kidman, thinking maybe that would get him to shut his fucking mouth without getting him fired, but that only seemed to turn him on.”
“What the hell is it with men, anyway?” I ask. “I get that he wants the severance, but even in his position, with that much money riding on it, I would never treat anyone that way.”
“You and me both, girl,” Annabeth scoffs. “Smoke break?”
“Please.”
I don’t smoke, but going out on the roof with Annabeth is about the only time on the job where I can pretend like I’m making some kind of a difference.
Annabeth blows out her first puff before we’re out the door and I’m holding my breath.
“Have you gotten any offers yet?” she asks.
“Nothing yet,” I tell her. “I would say that I hope I can get something here when my internship is up, but I really don’t know that I could handle working in this hellhole for the rest of my career.”
She takes a drag. “I know what you mean. If it wasn’t for Kidman, I’d say we could make it work, but sometimes…”
“Have you heard back on anything?” I ask, walking to the other side of her to avoid the cloud floating by me.
“Not a damn thing,” she says. “I always thought that summa cum laude meant I could walk into any job I wanted. Too bad everyone else had the same idea and we all moved to New York.”
The problem with Annabeth is that she tries to work how she got summa cum laude and I only got magna cum laude into every conversation. Still, other than Mike, she’s the closest thing to a friend that I’ve got in this city.
“Things still bad with your roommate?”
“Oh, you wouldn’t believe,” I tell her. “Last night, he came in at like 4 in the morning, drunk and knocking over just about everything that stands upright on the way to his room.”
“Well,” Annabeth says, blowing her drag out, “at least he was alone this time.”
“Oh, did I forget to mention that every time he crashed into something, I could hear the chick behind him running into the same thing?”
Annabeth laughs.
“It could be worse,” she says, but doesn’t offer any proof to back the theory.
“I guess,” I tell her. “I wish that just once, something could go right for me in this city. Everything’s so competitive and everyone treats each other like dirt.”
“It’s not the city,” Annabeth tells me. “You just need to get out there and get your freak on.”
“My freak,” I tell her, “is permanently set in the off position. Besides, I think people stopped saying that like 10 years ago.”
“Whatever,” Annabeth says. “I have the perfect guy for you.”
This is the other problem with Annabeth. She’s always trying to hook me up with someone, and she has the worst taste in men.
“My cousin just got into town and he’s looking for someone to take out to a nice dinner. He’s a really funny guy, and people tell me that he’s pretty handsome, too. He’s my cousin and all, so I don’t really look at him like that, but I think you two would really hit it off.”
“And now tell me what’s wrong with him.”
“Nothing,” she says, taking another drag. “Nothing’s wrong with him.”
Wait for it.
“Okay, I guess
he can be a little impulsive, but girl, you know spontaneity’s the spice of life.”
“You said he just got into town. Where was he?”
“Upstate,” Annabeth answers, looking at her feet.
I really hope I’m not that bad at hiding things.
“Where upstate?” I ask.
And here it comes.
“Okay, he was kind of locked up for a little while, but the whole thing was just a total misunderstanding. He was drunk and thought the car was his!”
“Yeah,” I say. “I’m sorry, but I do have a no felons rule in my dating life.”
“Oh, like you’re going to find a good-looking single man in this city without a record,” she scoffs.
“I’ll take my chances,” I tell her.
“I’m done. You wanna play hooky?”
“I still have to go downstairs and help Atkinson write a speech for his son’s career day.”
Annabeth groans.
“I know,” I tell her. “Maybe next time.”
“You always say that, but you’ve never slipped out with me longer than a smoke break,” she complains. “Who’s even going to know that we’re gone?”
“Everyone!” I snap. “Every time you leave in the middle of the day, I have to pick up your crap just to make sure no one wonders why you’re not here. Nobody’s going to do that for me, and they’re certainly not going to do that for both of us. Maybe, with your summa cum laude, you might have better luck landing something if you ever did any damn work around here!”
I don’t know what exactly she said that pushed me over the edge, but here I am on my way down.
“Easy, girl,” she says, holding her palms up and toward me. “I didn’t know it was such a burden for you.”
“I’m sorry,” I say, not knowing why I’m crying. “I just hate this stupid job and I hate this stupid city, but I can’t leave or else I’ll always be the one who couldn’t make it in the real world.”
“You think New York is the real world?” she asks. “Hell, you think there is something called the real world? Lei-Lei, you gotta calm down and realize everyone out there’s going through the same shit as you. None of us are going to land half what Kidman would pull down with his golden parachute, and that man hasn’t done a hard day’s work in 30 years. What you’ve gotta do is learn to find some kind of happiness for yourself. That’s the only way you’re going to make it.”
