by JB Heller
Red clears her throat at my side. “How do you now Kadyn is yours? I’m not asking to be patronising, I just need to understand.”
My eyes drift to my baby girl—my baby—I still can’t wrap my head around it. “The timing is right. The doctor said Lu had been coming to the free clinic here for her prenatal appointments so they had all her records. I know she could have slept with him around the same time, but I don’t think so. Besides, she looks just like me as a baby.”
Ellie frowns. “I thought you didn’t have any pictures of your childhood?”
Gazing down at Kadyn I can see myself so clearly. Her creamy olive skin, her button nose and pouty lips, she’s a female version of me.
I haven’t talked about my parents with Ellie, it was too much to get into during our conversation last night. “I didn’t go into the foster system until I was almost seven. I had amazing parents who loved me more than anything else in the world,” I tell her, emotions from my past trying to push their way to the surface. But I can’t let them, not right now, it’ll be too much.
“They died in a fire when I was about six. My dad got me out but my mother didn’t follow us, so he went back for her. He never came back. I went to live with my grandmother for a year but she was old and couldn’t take care of me properly, that’s when I was taken from her and put into the system. My grandmother died a few months later, leaving me her photo albums, a few other things of my parents, and her house.
“That’s how I know Kadyn looks exactly like me as a baby. Only pretty.” I attempt a joke, but not even I can muster a smile for it. Too much emotion hangs heavy in the air.
“Okay then,” Kalista breaks the uncomfortable silence that’s fallen over us. “Well that’s one thing settled, now she’s going to need clothes, a bed, toys, bottles—oh and a car seat to take her home in.”
I blink at her. “Wha—I…shit. I haven’t thought about any of that stuff.”
She nods, “Right, well good. I’ve just found a way to make myself useful.” She smiles for the first time since I noticed her presence. “I’ll go sort everything out for her arrival home. I’ll need your house keys,” she tells me, holding out an expectant palm.
Again, I just blink at her. Then shuffle in my pockets searching for my keys and coming up empty. “I don’t kn—” I start saying when Red plops my keys into Kalista’s outstretched hand.
Kalista makes quick work of removing my truck key from the fob and returning it to Red. “You’ll need this later,” she says, then turns on her heel striding to the door, “I’ll come back with a bag of essentials as soon as I can, then I’ll get everything else after.” Her fingers wave in the air then she disappears.
“She hates not feeling in control,” Abe says, “Since we walked in here she’s felt useless, she can’t handle it.”
“I can relate,” I mutter just as Kadyn lets out a high-pitched squeal, followed by a husky cry. Abe moves her around again but it doesn’t work this time. He puts her in a new position, but she continues to cry.
Getting up, I take her from him and cradle her in my arms. Her little nose snuffles and her head shakes back and forth. She’s looking for something. Shit, she’s looking for a boob. “Get a nurse, I think she’s hungry,” I tell Abe, but Red is already out the door.
Kadyn continues her search and when she comes up empty, she lets out another cry that pierces my heart. “Shh, it’s okay, baby. Red is getting you a bottle right now, shh…” I coo but she cries louder. I try rocking her, stroking her back, lifting her to sit up over my shoulder, none of it has any effect.
Then Abe takes her back, “Here,” he says, cradling her the way I had been, then sticks the tip of his pinkie finger in her mouth. It works. Kadyn sucks on it contentedly until Red returns with a nurse and a bottle.
The nurse’s face puckers in a revolted frown. “Don’t do that, your hands are filthy,” she tells Abe off as she takes Kadyn from him and passes her to me. “You see this little valve here?” She points to a small thing inside the bottle’s teat, “This needs to face up so it’s pointing to her nose, alright?”
“Okay,” taking the bottle from her, I bring it to Kadyn’s tiny little mouth and she latches onto it straight away, sucking hard. Pride wells inside my chest as she nails her bottle like a champ. It’s already half way gone.
“You need to take it away from her and burp her,” the nurse interrupts.
“But she’s still hungry.”
She smiles at me. “I know, she can have the rest after she burps. If you don’t burp her regularly during her feed, she will get wind and you don’t want that. It’s quite painful for babies,” she explains.
“Shit,” I mutter, and tug the bottle away from Kadyn who isn’t impressed. “Sorry, baby. I need you to burp first, then you can have it back, deal?” I say, looking her in the eyes. “What now?” I ask the nurse.
The nurse gives me basic instructions on how to properly remove the bottle from Kadyn. Then she shows me a couple of different ways to help her bring up her wind and says I should do it at least three times during her feed.
I do everything I’m told. It only takes a few minutes to get into a good rhythm. I let Kadyn drink for a few minutes, then burp her, before giving her some more. She’s sucking away happily when I remember I need to ask the nurse something. “We’re going to need a paternity test.”
Her blue eyes connect with mine, shock registering in them, “Oh? I thought she was yours?”
I sigh, “She is, but there’s someone else. Lu’s boyfriend Paco probably thinks Kadyn is his,” I explain, hating the look that passes over the nurse’s face. She’s silently judging Lu, I can see it in her eyes. “I’m going to need the results as soon as possible. I’ll pay whatever to have it prioritised.”
She remains professional, “Of course, I’ll grab a swab kit. Will the other uh…man be giving a sample for testing too?”
I shake my head, “No, just Kadyn and me. If I’m not a match, then she’s Paco’s. But I will be her match, I’m sure of it.” She nods and leaves the room while I finish feeding Kadyn her bottle.
When the nurse returns, she holds two swab sticks with lids attached. Lowering the lid of one she holds it out to me. “I’ll just run this over the inside of your cheek, okay?” I nod and open my mouth. She does the same thing to Kadyn who fusses until it’s finished. “All done. I’ll have them sent to the lab immediately. We should have a result for you by tomorrow.”
“Thanks,” I mutter as she leaves the room again, taking the empty bottle with her.
Kadyn has burped four times. I can’t stop smiling down into her pretty little face. I’m so proud, it’s ridiculous. But I feel so much in this moment, I don’t know what to do with it all. I look at Red, whose eyes are glistening with tears. “What’s wrong?”
She shakes her head. “I think my ovaries just exploded,” she sniffles. “Seeing you with her is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. You’re a natural, Zak.”
“Really? Cause I’m terrified I’m going to screw this up,” I confess.
“Nah, man, she’s right. You got this,” Abe confirms. “Who knew? Big bad Zak is an ace with the babies.”
I flip him off and go back to staring at my little girl who’s sleeping soundly now she has a full tummy. A ruckus outside drags my attention away from her. “What’s going on?” I ask Abe. He’s already at the door checking out the hallway.
He closes the door and turns to me, and his face says all I need to know. It’s trouble. “The boyfriend just arrived,” he says and I stand.
There’s no way he’s coming in here, so I’m going out there. But not with Kadyn in my arms. “Red, I need you to take her and stay in here. Don’t come out, whatever you hear.”
She blinks at me, fear in her eyes. “I can’t, I’m awful with babies, I’ll drop her!” her voice trembles as she speaks.
“Yes, you can. Here, sit down,” I move her back to the couch and nudge her shoulder. She plonks down and stares up at me. �
�I need you to look after her for me,” I look deep into her eyes, then gently place Kadyn against her chest until Red wraps her arms around her.
I kiss Red’s temple. “You’re doing great. If I can do it, I know you can.” Then I press my lips against Kadyn’s sweet silken hair, before walking out of the room to face a very pissed off Paco.
Chapter Twelve
ZAK
Paco has the nurse who brought in Kadyn’s bottle pinned against the wall, his forearm pressing into her throat as he roars, “Where’s my baby?!”
Abe reaches them first, ripping Paco back by the shoulder with so much force he crashes into the opposite side of the corridor. Momentarily stunned, Paco shakes his head once, then refocuses his rage on Abe, who’s checking on the nurse. I intercept his fist right before it connects with the back of Abe’s head. Locking my hand around his fist, I squeeze.
“Stop!”
Paco’s crazed eyes lock on me and his anger amplifies. “What the fuck are you doing here?” He gets up in my face, spit spraying on me as he yells, “You shouldn’t even be here.” He tugs his arm, trying to break his fist free from my grip.
Abe joins me, and our much larger frames crowd Paco back against the wall. “Calm your shit, they’re not going to tell you a goddam thing when you come at them like this,” I say, gesturing to him with my chin, “You’re so fucking jacked up, you’re scaring them.”
“Fuck you, Zak. Where’s my fucking baby?”
Closing my eyes, I know I need to tone this situation down before I can talk to him reasonably, but all I want to do is tell him he’s the one who needs to fuck off. Kadyn is mine.
“She’s safe,” is all I say, but it’s enough for him to relax a fraction. “She’s healthy, and perfect,” I tell him, each detail calming him more. “Can we talk now?”
He swallows hard and gives me a stiff nod as the fight drains from his body. I can’t really blame him for his reaction, I know that. If our roles were reversed, I’d probably be acting the same way. Releasing his fist, I take a step back. “There’s a sitting room around the corner,” I tell him then lead the way. Paco follows me and Abe trails us.
There’s no way I’m taking him into Kadyn’s room, I don’t want him to even see her, but I know that wouldn’t be right. I won’t do that to him. Entering a room designed for parents to take a break in, I sit in a chair by the window. Paco takes the one across from me while Abe leans against the doorframe his arms crossed and focus solely on Paco.
“How much do you know?” I ask him. Now that I’m really looking at him, I can see the visible effect the news has had on him. His eyes are bloodshot, red smudges circle them and his normally tanned complexion is washed out and pale.
He leans forward, his elbows resting on his knees, hands laced tightly between them, “A woman came to the house a couple hours ago, said Louisa had been in a bad car accident and…” His jaw locks, and I understand exactly what he’s going through.
I finish for him, “Lu didn’t make it.”
Paco nods, “Yeah, she said the doctors where going to try save the baby but she didn’t know if it would work or not. I came here straight away, but no one would tell me shit. I’ve been here for three fucking hours.”
Shit, that’s all he knows, that’s fucked up. Shaking my head, I offer to fill in the blanks. “I can tell you whatever you need to know, man. I’m the one they called when she was bought in after the accident. I’m down as Lu’s next of kin.”
“Why the fuck are you still down on that shit? We’ve been together for over two years, you aren’t shit to her now,” he says, resentment radiating off him in waves.
Abe straightens from his post, about to step forward but I shake my head, stopping him. “Man, nothing in this world would come between me and Lu, not even you. You understand? We were everything to each other for a long fucking time, you never accepted it, so she didn’t talk to you about me anymore. It doesn’t mean I haven’t been a part of her life while you’ve been together.”
His jaw locks, I can see him grinding his teeth together. He knows what I’m saying is true.
I’m not trying to rub our relationship in his face but he’s kidding himself if he thinks she cut me out of her life for him. “Paco,” I say and wait for him to look at me, “You want to know what happened, or you going sit there stewing on me and Lu still being friends?”
His knees bounce and agitation rolls off him in waves. “Talk. Did she suffer? Was she…was she in pain?” his voice cracks.
Agony splinters through me, because fuck, reliving it hurts. “No.” I swallow the emotions trying to force their way into this moment. I can’t handle them and Paco at the same time. “Instant brain death is what the doctor told me. She didn’t feel a thing. She must have hit her head really fucking hard. It was messed up bad, she was barely recognisable.”
Paco’s eyes glaze. He can’t hold back his emotions any more than I can, but we both try. He whispers in Latin as he performs the cross symbol, “In nominee Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Santi.” Paco is a staunch Catholic.
“So,” he clears his throat after a prolonged silence, “You saw her?”
I nod, “Yes, I’ll never forget it. She was hooked up to a breathing machine, bandages soaked in blood wrapped around her head, tubes and cords everywhere. She wasn’t our Lu. She was already gone. They were just keeping her body alive until I got here, then they asked me if they should attempt to save the baby, or…” My throat closes and I struggle to finish telling Paco what he needs to know, “Or to let her go with Lu.”
He’s rocking now, my words sinking soul deep just as they did me when the doctors told me what was happening. I have never felt so utterly helpless and alone in my life.
My entire life I’ve worked on making myself strong, formidable, and proficient. I work my ass off training until I master whatever skill I need to better myself. All so I can protect the people important to me. But I couldn’t protect Lu. I couldn’t even help her. I was useless.
I think about Red…there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for her. But if this can happen to Lu, that means it can happen to Red too. To Kadyn. Fuck, what good is all the training in the world if I’m not there when shit goes down?
Paco and I sit in silence for god knows how long. Lost in our memories, our thoughts, our failings.
My head jerks up when he speaks, “You said she’s safe. My baby is a girl?”
I nod, biting back my retort that she’s not his. “Yeah, a healthy little girl. Real little, five pounds eight ounces. She’s tiny.”
“Where is she? I want to see her,” he says, tapping his fingers on his leg and turmoil clouding his tone.
My stomach churns, my eyes dart to Abe and he returns my stare. It’s about to get messy. I clasp my hands together in front of me. “You can see her, but we need to talk more first.”
Paco’s eyes narrow, his shoulders stiffen and his lip curls in a sneer, “Why?”
I don’t want to crush the dude but I can’t let him keep thinking Kadyn is his. “She’s mine. The baby, she’s not your baby, she’s mine.”
Red hot rage sears me. Paco launches for me the second the words leave my mouth. “The fuck she is!” he booms, “No fucking way! That baby is mine! You keep your fucking hands off her!”
Abe’s hands wrap around Paco’s biceps, pulling his arms behind his back and yanking him away from me.
“I’m sorry, Paco. It only happened once, after you guys got into a fight one night. It was just over eight months ago, it fits with Lu’s medical records,” I tell him, getting to my feet.
I’m a good foot taller than Paco, but he’s a strong little fucker. He reefs an arm out of Abe’s hold, delivering a killer right hook to my jaw. I stumble back a step, not expecting the hit. Blood pools inside my cheek, and I automatically return the blow, my knuckles coming into contact with the underside of his chin.
Abe steps back, letting us get this shit over with. Paco comes at me, his shoulder lowered as he charges i
nto my chest temporarily winding me, he wrapping his arms around my torso as he drives us back. We topple over the chair I was sitting in, crashing to the ground. A fist slams into my ribs then another to my temple before I can flip us. Reversing our position so I’m straddling him, I rain down punch after punch into his face.
He bucks his hips throwing me off and we scramble to our feet. “I knew you wanted her, I fucking knew it!” he seethes, “Fuck you, Zak! That baby is mine!”
I shake my head. “She’s not,” I yell back. I’ve had enough of this shit. It’s too much to go through in one day. I wrap my fingers around his throat and walk him backwards, slamming him into the wall with so much force his head is thrown back, cracking against the brick. “She’s mine,” I say again, my eyes boring into his. “The paternity test will be back tomorrow, you’ll have it in writing. She’s. Mine!”
His body struggles under the crushing pressure of my hand around his throat. “Fuck—you,” he grits out.
Bringing myself even closer to him I press my body against his, forcing the air from his lungs with the wait of me. “If you don’t stop this shit right now, I’ll make sure you never lay eyes on that baby girl. You get me?” I whisper darkly, “Never.”
He breathes hard, his face changing from red to purple the longer I hold him. Abe’s hand on my shoulder lets me know I need to let go, and I do, dropping Paco to crumple on the floor.
Rubbing the marks my hand left around his neck, he glares up at me with all the hate and malice I know he’s always felt towards me. But I don’t care. I’m done here. My fists ache from the scuffle and I flex my fingers as I tell Abe, “Bring him in when you’re ready.” Turning my glare back down to the piece of shit on the floor, I crouch in front of him. “Clean yourself up. You and I aren’t going to talk again until the results of the paternity test come back tomorrow. And when you know she’s mine, you’re going to leave. And never come back.”
Returning to Kadyn’s room, I slip into the bathroom, keeping my face averted from Red’s view and close the door behind me. Blood seeps from a cut on my bottom lip and another that splits my right brow. That one’s probably going to need a butterfly stitch. I soak a couple of hand towels in cold water, cleaning the excess blood away. Red’s will be pissed, but it had to happen. Better to get it over with now.
