by Diane Strong
realized she wasn’t going anywhere.
“She was sleeping when her water broke. She woke up wet. I remember she thought she peed herself. We were both confused and then we realized it was time, the baby was coming. We had our bags packed just like all the books tell you to do. She called the doctor and he said to come on down to the hospital, but when she told him that her contractions were still pretty far apart he told us to stop and get something to eat on our way.
“We went to a Chinese buffet. She loved sushi, but she ate crab that day. She knew they wouldn’t let her eat until the baby came so she ate till she couldn’t eat no more. We were so excited knowing that would be our last dinner with just the two of us, so we took our time and enjoyed ourselves.” Billy nodded his head with the memory, as if it had happened yesterday.
Megan recalled the long wait in the hospital, feeling so scared, not at all excited. The fear of the future was all she had thought about when her contractions came. She had feared being a mother, raising a child alone. She had thought only of the final exams she hadn’t been able to take, the loan payments that would still come despite the diploma she hadn’t been able to accept. Would people think she was some irresponsible young woman who got herself pregnant rather than what she really was?
“Junior was perfect. And I don’t just mean ten fingers and ten toes, I mean he was perfect. You know there is lots of babies out there, you tell the mama that their baby’s real cute but deep down inside that baby is ugly. But not Junior, he was perfect. He looked just like a Gerber baby with rosy cheeks and big blue eyes.
“He never cried. He might a whimpered a couple times but as soon as he got his food or his diaper changed he was happy as can be. Amelia glowed with that baby in her arms. She was the proudest most perfect mama in the world. She knew just what to do like she was born to be a mama. I was so proud of her.”
Megan recalled sleepless nights with Lyndsy. She wore a hole in the carpet with constant pacing back and forth trying to calm her colicky daughter. No amount of bouncing or burping could put that child to sleep. At one point Megan had lain on the floor, crying and begging her daughter to please, please stop crying…she needed to sleep. She found herself feeling jealous of the perfect baby Billy experienced with his loving wife.
“Junior’s first birthday was a huge event. Back then we lived in a big two story house over past the reservoir. Every aunt and uncle, cousin and grandparent came to celebrate our perfect little man. That boy got so spoilt that day. I never seen so many gifts for one child. An’ we propped him up in front of a Scooby Doo cake, he loved Scooby Doo. We let that boy go to town on that cake all by himself. He had chocolate from one ear to the other.” Billy let out a bark of laughter.
Lyndsy’s first birthday had been a tiny event at the home of her mother and stepfather. Back then, Megan’s brother and sister were barely out of grade school and required most of her mother’s attention. With her siblings bickering at the table, she had tried desperately to maintain a smile on her face. Megan’s mother had made a simple cake with Happy Birthday scrolled across it. Megan took a picture of Lyndsy, crying, afraid of the single glowing candle on her cake.
Lyndsy stared blankly at the final sentence in her book, contemplated the ending for a few moments, and tried to predict what the next book in the series might bring. Gazing up from the book, she succumbed to the reality of her empty room. The clock read 12:52 in the afternoon. Lyndsy thought back to when her mother had left for the run, well over two hours had passed. She calculated in her head how long it would take to get the bunting pan to her aunt’s house then run six miles. Her mother should have returned home at least thirty minutes ago. A twinge of anxiety pinched her spine as she reached for her phone to call her mother.
“I didn’t make her go back to work. She had hinted at how happy she was staying home with Junior and I insisted she continue to do it. I wanted her to be happy and I knew she was the best person to raise our son.
“It was hard at first, I didn’t make as much as her in my maintenance position but I got a raise shortly after and we made due. Plus, Amelia made up for not working. She gardened. She saved us so much on groceries because she grew near everything we needed out in that garden, and Junior learnt it too. She taught him everything she knew, and she knew a lot. Smartest woman I ever knew. That boy was a lucky boy.”
Megan’s thoughts rolled back to early mornings packing Lyndsy, half-awake and confused, into the car. She would rush Lyndsy to the government subsidized daycare, give her a quick kiss, and push her into the colorful room before running off to work at the bar. Barely making ends meet, she had refused food stamps. Thank God for her mother who filled in the gaps when her paycheck didn’t go far enough at the end of the month.
“I ‘bout couldn’t wait to get home from work back then. All I could think about when I was away was that little boy and his mama. I used to worry my brain about them. I’d imagine the house catching fire or some burglar coming and shooting ‘em up. By the time I’d get home I would be so frazzled with worry that Amelia would think I was having a heart attack. But as soon as I saw her pretty face and my perfect little boy my color’d come back and my life was complete. We was a perfect little family.” Billy paused to take a deep breath.
Megan remembered her mother’s occasional call to see if she needed anything. Her mother was steadfast on her opinion that a woman could raise a child on her own without a man. After all, she had raised Megan by herself until Megan was out of grade school. Megan appreciated her mother and the tough love she offered but she felt scared and alone. What she really craved was someone to care about her and worry about her and maybe even protect her from invisible burglars. That time of her life was so far from perfect.
Lyndsy snapped her phone closed, her mother hadn’t answered her cellular. She felt annoyed and a little unsettled about not being able to reach her mother. She was never late and seldom changed her plans, it wasn’t like her to be out longer than she said she would be.
Occasionally her mom did get caught up in conversation, so it wouldn’t surprise Lyndsy at all if her mom had lost track of time and chatted for an hour before leaving her aunt’s house, but she would have called Lyndsy to tell her she was running late. She would never just arrive home late. Lyndsy was worried and needed reassurance.
Lyndsy reopened her cell phone and found her aunt’s number in the contacts list then called her. After three rings the familiar chirpy voice of her aunt answered the phone.
“Hey Lyndsy Lane, what’s up?” Her aunt was only about ten years older than Lyndsy and often tried to sound hip.
“Hi Auntie. I was just worried about mom. Did she leave your house late for her run?”
“Oh, I don’t think so. I mean we talked for a few minutes but she made it clear she was on a schedule. Isn’t she home yet? Was she out for one of her crazy long runs?” Her aunt’s voice began to take on a worried motherly tone.
“I thought she told me six miles. That normally takes her just under an hour. What time did she leave your house?” Lyndsy wasn’t completely worried yet, but prepared herself to launch into worry-mode if her aunt’s answer sounded wrong.
“It had to have been just after ten-thirty. My show starts at ten-thirty and I told her I wanted to watch it.”
“It all changed the day Junior drowned. She didn’t want to leave him at home, she was so used to having him with her all the time. But she had a doctor’s appointment in Lexington and it was one of those appointments where you can’t have little kids in the room with you. It was such a nice day, I told her to go on and not to worry about us boys. I was off on vacation time and enjoying being at home with my boy. She went on to town, but I practically had to push her out of the house.
“She pulled up into the driveway right as the ambulance men were slowly walking back to their truck. When I saw her, I ran to her screaming, I was so choked I couldn’t talk. She just said, ‘No.’ Over and over she said, ‘No!’ Then she pushed me out of the way and ran ove
r to where little Junior was lying on the ground, his little pouty lips swollen and blue.” Billy cried openly, tears streaming down his cheeks and into his beard.
“I’ve never…never, felt a pain like the pain I felt that day. When I was in Vietnam I saw men die all around me, get their heads blown right off. Some of those men were my friends, guys I loved. I thought I’d never feel a pain like that again. But this. Vietnam didn’t come close to the pain of this…my son. My fault.”
Megan couldn’t fight off the memories that flooded her brain. With her mother’s death so fresh in her mind, she found it hard to block out the visions. She had spent most of the last few months in denial, avoiding the reality that she would never speak to her mother again. So much guilt flooded her body when she thought of her mother’s slow, agonizing death. It haunted her. Her mother had suffered so much pain, and Megan felt helpless. All she could do was stand by and watch as her mother, a once strong and powerful woman, shrivel into a tiny, wilted being. It was like watching a flower die.
The two sat in silence, each pondering their own personal hells. After a moment, Billy spoke again.
“I lost my mind. I don’t remember which happened
