by Jodi Thomas
“Oh, but they brought it back.”
Ford didn’t seem to hear what she was saying as he moved around the horse and stood only inches from her, straightening the saddle. In order to look at him she had to turn directly into the lamplight, while his face remained in shadows.
“Would you have taken the money, Hannah?” His voice was low, but accusing. “If you’d known it was there?”
Hannah straightened. “I might have, if I had to. I’d do whatever I had to do to survive. All I own of value is my mother’s bracelets, but I’d even sell them if I had to. I’d do whatever I needed to.”
“I guess I’m proof of that, aren’t I, wife? You’d even marry me.”
She wanted to run, but she could hear the pain in his words. “I married you because I had no choice, but no one forced me to kiss you tonight.”
He moved an inch closer. “You don’t find that a little odd, Hannah? You said you’d never marry me, but you like kissing me.”
“I said I’d never marry anyone.” Hannah stepped backward. His anger was starting to frighten her. “And I’ll never love any man, especially a man who already loves another.”
Ford saw the fear in her eyes and a shock vibrated through him as though he were a well-used lightning rod. “Stop doing that!” he yelled, the anger still flavoring his speech.
“Stop doing what?” She moved another step away.
“Stop cowering down like I might strike you at any moment. And stop telling me I love Allison. I’ve never loved anyone.”
Hannah forced herself not to move. “I wasn’t cowering down.” Her voice shook slightly. “I’m not afraid of you. I’m not afraid of anyone.”
Ford stepped directly in front of her. “Well, that makes one of us, because I’m scared to death of you, darlin’.”
He shoved his hair back and crammed his hat low on his forehead. “Don’t look for me to be back anytime soon. There’s plenty of food for you both. If you need anything, just charge it at the store in town.”
Before he could turn away, she stepped between Ford and the horse. “You’re running away from me, aren’t you?”
Though her words were little more than a whisper, Ford took the accusation like a slap.
“Are you afraid of me or yourself?” Hannah suddenly realized the power she had over this strong man. “You’re afraid to be around me. You’re afraid of your feelings.”
Ford placed his hand on the saddle horn, brushing her shoulder with his action. “I’m afraid of what I’ll do when I’m around you, and I’m worried about what you’ll do if I let you out of my sight. To make matters worse, I hate myself, because on top of everything else, all that floods my brain most of the time is how I’d like to hold you.” He might as well be honest; lying never had fit his life.
“Well, why don’t you?” Hannah answered, her words angry. She wanted desperately to make her feelings fit into what made sense in this world of pretend they were living. “Most husbands at least hug their wives good-bye before they leave for a week.”
Ford moved his free arm around her waist and pulled her against him, hard and fully. “Put your arms around my neck, Hannah.”
She did as he asked, but their bodies were stiff against one another. He rubbed his rough chin against her cheek and whispered, “Hug me back, darlin’, before I leave. Hold me like you don’t want me to go.”
Hannah heard it then, a need so deep inside him it sliced her heart. How many times had she wished for what he was asking? Someone to hold her. Someone to care. Tightening her grip around his neck, she stood on her tiptoes and melted against him.
Ford closed his eyes and forced back the tears he’d never cried as a boy. She felt so good in his arms. A blending of all the hugs his mother never felt like giving him and all the ones he’d longed for in lonely years of solitude. His other arm lifted her off the ground in an embrace he wasn’t sure he’d ever have the strength to break.
Suddenly, he didn’t care that she was a thief. He’d cover her crimes as long as he had the money to do so. In the week she’d been with him, he’d grown accustomed to the feel of a woman in his arms, and not just any woman…Hannah. That was one thing she’d never be able to take with her when she left in less than a month. The memory of her pressed against him would be with him the rest of his life.
Chapter 13
HANNAH CRAWLED FROM the bed and tried to remember if she’d slept at all. She didn’t want to admit it, but she missed Ford by her side. The warmth of him next to her had helped her sleep. After holding her so tightly in the barn before he left, he’d turned without a word and ridden off into the night, leaving her alone.
She made herself get dressed, but her mood didn’t improve. Whatever had upset Ford wounded him so deeply he couldn’t stay. Like an injured animal, he wanted time alone to heal. And after the kiss he gave her, Hannah knew somehow she had more to do with the pain he suffered than she thought possible.
For the first time since she’d arrived at Canyon’s Rim, the wind bothered her, calling to her through rattling windows, daring her to try and stand against its gusts. Even the inside of Ford’s solidly built home gave her no peace. Everything around Hannah reminded her that he was gone and she had no idea why. She knew he liked being with her, yet just when she was ready to allow him closer, he ran. He’d even said he was afraid of her, which she couldn’t imagine anyone being. Ford left, saying only that if she needed him, she could follow Carroll Creek north and find the line shack. Though he might distance himself from her, he still wanted her to know that he’d come if she was in trouble.
Hannah shook her head as she cooked breakfast. Ford’s actions made no sense. No one had ever been scared of her. For the most part folks didn’t even notice her. Before she’d witnessed the killing, she’d gone about her job almost invisibly. She cooked from noon until closing six nights a week. On Sunday, she did her laundry and tried to rest for the next day of work. Once in a while, if the day was nice, she’d walk down by the station and follow the railroad tracks for as long as she dared, wishing she could go all the way to the end.
Somehow, Hannah had the feeling she’d finally found the end…right here in the Texas panhandle.
“Breakfast about ready?” Zachery’s voice rumbled ahead of him as he strolled into the kitchen, trying to untangle his suspenders as he walked. “I thought you’d be dressed for church by now, girl.”
“I’m not going,” Hannah answered. “Ford left late last night for the far end of his ranch. I wouldn’t want to go to church without him.”
“Nonsense, girl. I’ll take you. I can hitch up that little buggy of yours and we’ll make it just fine. Did I tell you I used to saddle General Lee’s horse in the war? I was even quite a doctor of animals then, even went to school once six whole months to learn. But with the war, there was always other things to do—like trying to stay alive.”
Zachery laughed, but with no humor in his tone. “By the time the Northern aggression was over, I didn’t really care if I was alive or dead. Did I tell you my wife died when they burned Charleston?”
Hannah set the plate of eggs down and shook her head. “No. In truth, you’ve told me very little about yourself, Zachery. I must have known you for years, but never really said more than a few sentences to you until this week. It’s almost like we weren’t human, but only things, until we came here. Something about this place breathed life into us, as though we were paper dolls that took shape.”
Zachery nodded. The sadness in his eyes always made Hannah wonder if it wasn’t easier on him to stay drunk than to face humanity.
“Being sober’s what did it for me. It clears my mind so I can think. Unfortunately, I’m also able to remember. I remember some of the hell folks put other folks through back then like it was yesterday. When I was drunk, nobody bothered me. I was just like a chair or a clod of dirt, not worth talking to. Being a thing isn’t so bad in this world sometimes.”
He took a long drink of his coffee and made a face, as
though wishing the brown liquid could be something else.
“But I’ve good news.” Hannah wanted to erase the sorrow in his watery gray eyes. “You can stop pretending to be my uncle. No one’s here but the two of us. I’m guessing you have no more wish to go to church this morning than I do, so the acting can stop for a while.”
Zachery straightened and squared his shoulders, as if ready for a fight. “I’ll have you know I take my role as your uncle very seriously, and I have no intention of dropping the act. Since you were at the party last night, folks will expect you in church this morning, and we’re going, young lady.”
Hannah was too surprised to respond. She couldn’t remember anyone ever talking to her as if she were a child, even when she’d been one. “I don’t know…”
Zachery waved away her objection. “There’s nothing to know about Sunday service. Just stand up when the person in front of you does and pass the plate as fast as you can. When I was young, my family had a pew we filled every Sunday like it was the law in our county. There were so many of us Nobles, someone had to offer to die before anyone could marry, due to lack of seating.”
Smiling, Hannah gave in to his request.
An hour later she was riding in the buggy toward town. She’d halfheartedly voiced every objection she could think of, but Zachery stood fast. She’d even reminded him several times that she was not his niece, but the man seemed to have ripped up all the pages of his life and started fresh. The more sober he got, the more fatherly he became. Zachery even drove the buggy with surprising skill, and when they arrived, he took the lead in answering everyone’s questions about Ford’s whereabouts.
Most of the women shook their heads, disapproving of working on the Lord’s day, but most of the men nodded in understanding. Ranch work sometimes couldn’t wait for a day of rest.
As they walked into the little church, which had been built in thirds, a fine bell announced the day. Millie slipped her tiny hand into Hannah’s. Anna, her sister, was only a step behind. “Mama says we can sit with you since it’s your first time here and all. Millie thinks you’ll be scared, but I told her Miss Hannah ain’t afraid of nothing.”
“Thank your mother for me,” Hannah whispered as Uncle Zachery motioned them into their places. “And thank you, Anna, for believing in me.”
Hannah squeezed Millie’s hand. The tiny child still hadn’t said a word to anyone but her sister, but her love for her teacher shone in her eyes. Somehow having her near calmed any fears Hannah had about the little church.
Zachery whispered, “Jinx invited me to Sunday dinner and a checker game after church.”
Hannah smiled, understanding the reason for Zachery’s sudden interest in religion. He and Jinx appeared to be an odd match, but they never seemed to lack for conversation.
“You’re welcome to come, too, girl,” he said in a self-sacrificing way.
“No,” Hannah whispered back. “I’ve a million things to do at the schoolhouse. You can pick me up there. I ate far too much breakfast to even think about a noonday meal.”
Zachery let out a long breath. “If that’s what you want. I know Ford expects me to keep an eye on you while he’s away, and I don’t plan on letting down the husband of my niece, but I would like to play a game or two of checkers. Back in Lee’s army I was considered one of the best players, not that we had much time to set up a board. It feels good to get back to playing again.”
“Play as many games as you like,” Hannah answered. “As long as we get home before dark.”
The organ started pumping away and everyone reached for hymnals. Hannah followed, surprised at how well Zachery’s advice worked. Church wasn’t near as frightening as she’d thought it might be. She noticed everyone had on not only their best clothes, but their finest manners as well. She was almost sorry to see the morning end.
As they walked out, Zachery could hardly keep from passing people in his haste to leave.
He had seemed to enjoy the sermon, but was now thinking only of lunch and Jinx. As he hurried off toward the post office, Gavrila stepped from behind Hannah and locked her arm around her reluctant sister-in-law.
“What, no men today, dear sister? Only one week of marriage and you couldn’t keep that brother of mine home! He’s wild as the wind, my father used to say. Where has Ford blown off to now?”
“He had work that must be done,” Hannah lied. She wasn’t sure why Ford had left, but she figured it was to get away from her. Gavrila didn’t need to try and guess the real reason.
“It’s just as well.” Gavrila shrugged. “Ford always goes to church, but it never seemed to knock off any of his rough edges. My father used to say, you can’t make a deacon out of a bear no matter how many suits you buy him.”
“Ford’s a good man.” Hannah wasn’t sure why she said the words, but whenever she was around Gavrila, she always felt like they needed to be repeated.
“Of course he is, dear.” Gavrila glanced toward heaven, as though silently asking forgiveness for the lie. “But just in case he ever is not such a good man, you can always come running to me. I think of you as my sister now. I’ll be near when the time comes.”
Hannah wanted to escape Gavrila, but somehow she had to see the whole picture; she’d looked at pieces long enough. She had to know why Gavrila had used “when” and not “if.” “Have you ever seen him get out of hand? Has he ever hit you or any woman?”
Gavrila shook her head toward the sky once more. “Lord, Lord, I could tell you some stories. And no, he’s never hit me, but every once in a while I see that he’d like to, and it frightens me all the way to my toes.”
Hannah waited. She found it hard to believe that the man who’d slept beside her all week without ever trying to force himself on her would seem so out of control in his sister’s eyes. Also, thinking of slapping Gavrila was not so alien a thought to her mind, either, so she couldn’t judge Ford if Gavrila was right and he had thought about such a thing.
Gavrila looked around as if making sure no one listened, but Hannah was certain her new sister-in-law had told what she was about to say many times.
“You should have seen him the year our mother died. She’d been sick for ages—since his birth, really. Thin blood, you know. But when she died, he turned wild. For some time he wouldn’t even come into the house, and as far as I know he never entered her room again. His clothes got filthy and his hair matted with dirt, but he didn’t want to be around any of us. If Father hadn’t left food on the porch every night, he’d have starved to death. I tried and tried to help him, but he wouldn’t even talk to me.”
“How old was he?” Hannah had seen children who looked completely forgotten and uncared for, but she couldn’t imagine Ford as one. Everything he owned, from his thick cotton shirts to his leather boots, seemed the best quality a man could buy in this part of the country. He was no dandy, but there was an order in his house, the barn, even in his life.
“Let me see,” Gavrila thought aloud. “I was seven. Yes, that’s right, because Father had all the problems of getting me ready for school that year without anyone to help. So Ford must have been six. Father always thought that Mother having Ford less than a year after giving birth to me was what made her ill. Sometimes I swear I can almost remember that first year after he was born, with Mother so sick and Ford crying all the time. It took him months before he finally stopped screaming night and day. Then I never heard him cry again, not even when she died. He just jerked free of the doctor who told us and ran.”
“Didn’t your father do anything about Ford?” Hannah couldn’t believe a parent, even one in grief over the loss of his wife, would worry about one of his children and not the other.
“Of course he did. Once it got too cold for Ford to be outside, Father made him take a bath on the porch before he let him in the house. But Ford was never the same after Mother died. Maybe he wasn’t right earlier and we just never noticed. Father wouldn’t let him join us at the table because one night Ford growled at
me! Imagine that—he growled.”
Gavrila leaned closer and Hannah could smell the rosewater perfume she must have bathed in. “I hesitate to tell you this, being that in the future you might have his offspring, but he was the ugliest child ever born. His head and hands were huge and his bones always looked like they might pop right through the skin at any moment. If I were you, I’d give serious thought to being a nonbearing branch of the family.”
They had reached the buggy, but Gavrila was still talking. The crowd within hearing made her lower her voice only slightly. “Of course, when Father remarried, his second wife felt the same way I always had about Ford never cooperating with the rest of the family. She wouldn’t even allow him in the house, except occasionally. She said he made her think of spiders crawling up and down her spine when she watched him. You know the way he stands so still and stares.”
Hannah was surprised Ford had matured to be the gentleman he was. No wonder he told her he was scared to death of her. Every woman in his life had either died or treated him poorly. Gavrila had been only a little older than Ford, so she couldn’t be blamed for being frightened of a brother who couldn’t share his grief. But the father and stepmother should have helped.
Gavrila waved at several people passing by. “But now I’m not so strict about him being in my house. I even allow him to have an office in one of my upstairs rooms. That way if he ever needed me to take over his affairs for a few days, I could.”
“That’s kind of you.” Hannah said, wanting to add, “since he owns the house,” but didn’t.
“Well, no matter what he is or how he acts, he is my brother and I’ll always love him.” Gavrila shouldered her cross again. “He hasn’t mistreated you, has he? That is one thing I’d never stand for.”
Hannah could see the curiosity in her eyes. She was waiting, hoping, planning. Gavrila was one of those rare people who thought through any possible disaster so completely, she couldn’t help but be let down when her strategies were never used.
