Ma, I've Got Meself Locked Up in the Mad House

by Martha Long

  I might take a run to the country. Stay a few days with Carol! Yeah, then maybe go off somewhere. Take a break on the Continent! Why not? I could even call in on Sarah! Make it up with her. Definitely! Make that head of the list.

  54

  * * *

  I slammed the car door shut and started walking into the cats-and-dogs home, hoping Bonzo was still in one piece. A huge dog was rambling around the reception. I hesitated, terrified of big dogs.

  ‘Excuse me!’ I squeaked over to the big woman with the huge chest and grey hair. She was talking to a man with a water hose in his hand, wearing big dirty wellington boots. She didn’t hear me.

  I coughed to clear my throat. ‘Eh, excuse me!’ I shouted a little louder, not wanting to draw the attention of the bloody big Great Dane.

  The dog and the woman both looked sharply over at me, my body bent in fear, ready to run for the door. She gave me a piercing stare, taking in the silly twisted grin on my terrified face and the buckling knees.

  ‘Yes! What is it?’

  The dog’s ears flapped with interest, then he started making a move towards me.

  ‘No! Please call him back!’

  ‘What? HEEL, Samson!’

  Samson stopped dead in his tracks, looking very disappointed, and collapsed on his arse, with the fat spreading around him to make a cushion. Then he dragged his huge mound of flesh up slowly, sitting himself upright, watching me like I am the most fascinating thing he ever clapped eyes on. His eyes stayed peeled on me, penetrating me, taking in every fibre that rattled in my body. I stayed perfectly still – the only way to deal with an animal that can sense fear.

  ‘Are you looking for a dog?’ she barked.

  ‘Yeah!’

  ‘Then come along. Stop being ridiculous! Samson is more gentle than most humans!’

  I crept over to the desk, not really taking her word for it, keeping my eyes fastened on Samson. I walked the long way around, keeping one eye on him while the other looked for the nearest way out. The two of them watched my progress. The aul one’s eyebrows sat rigidly in the air with the face stretched. The dog sat with his tongue flapping at the side of his mouth, looking like he was laughing at me.

  I was still only halfway to the desk, but the silence was killing me. ‘I’m here to collect me dog, Bonz . . .’ then stopped, seeing Samson’s ears flap with interest as he shifted the cheeks of his arse, tapping his feet. Fuck! He looks menacing. He’s going to go for me! I got hysterical. I need to get outa here.

  ‘I’m here for Bonzo! My dog, Bonzo! Bring him out! I’ll be in the car.’ I made to run, but me legs wouldn’t move.

  ‘Oh! Are you the owner?’

  ‘Yes,’ I said, creeping to the desk.

  Samson stood up, raising himself to his full – what looks like – seven feet, and strode over towards me. I closed my eyes and held my breath, standing rigid, afraid to move a muscle. Samson stood beside me, so close I could feel the heat from his body, get the smell of Pedigree Chum off his breath and hear him sniffing. Any minute now I am going to be a juicy raw steak in his big jaws.

  A little squeak slipped out from behind my throat, and I opened one eye to see what’s happening. He was staring at me. Inspecting me, then walking around to sniff me. Noises started coming from somewhere deep inside me, sounding like someone who was on their last gasp. ‘Please tell him to go away!’ I whispered between the death rattles.

  ‘Samson! Over here!’ She pointed behind the desk, and I opened my eye to see if it was safe. He gave me a baffled look, then strode in behind the counter, slapping himself down on the floor with a big sigh and a grunt.

  ‘Come along!’ the aul one barked, grabbing a big bunch of keys off the desk and marching across a yard and down a long passage with a long line of cages on each side. Dogs of all sizes and breeds leapt over each other and stood on each other’s necks to get a first look at us. I trailed behind the big woman with the huge arse and massive legs as she banged on cages, ‘QUIET!’

  I stopped to look in at a little black-and-white dog with huge sad eyes. He looked like he was hoping I had come to take him out. His leg was in a bandage and the light was on.

  The big woman saw me stop. ‘Knocked down by a car!’ she boomed at me. ‘No one has, as yet, come to claim him. No collar. He may be put down! Pity we can’t put some of the owners down,’ she said crisply.

  ‘Yeah,’ I said, thinking vaguely of Jackser and whoever was on me hit list.

  ‘Bonzo has his own quarters, away from the rest. We allow him out to play with our own dogs. Samson is very fond of him. The visitors take to him too.’

  I could hear him barking from here. She swung around a corner and bent down to open the cage door. Bonzo was throwing himself at the cage and belting down to the wall to have another go at trying to break his way out.

  ‘Steady, boy!’ She bent down to grab him, holding the gate half opened with her leg. She missed catching him and he came steaming out, sending her flying, big and all as she is. He sailed through the air, landing feet first at my chest, sending me flying to the ground, landing sideways.

  ‘Ah, fuck!’ I puffed, as I automatically turned myself into a ball and rolled – something I learned back in my childhood, when Jackser would send me flying with a kick. I wasn’t quick enough, not managing to get the roll, and landed heavily on the right side of my arse. Ah! The pain shot through me. ‘I think me hip’s broken,’ I gasped, staring in agony as he sat on top of me, licking the face off me. I turned away, hating the thought of what he had been licking last.

  ‘Sit!’ the big woman roared, pulling her skirt down over her massive hips and throwing the big clump of hair back over her head and trying to pin it back with a clip.

  ‘THAT DOG is completely wild!’ she roared, giving a vicious tug at her skirt to keep it down. She grabbed him by the collar and with a big massive pair of lungs roared straight into his face, ‘BAD BOY!’

  His long ears collapsed around his head, and he looked like he’d been hit by the Titanic.

  ‘Take him!’ she barked at me. ‘Train him! Show him who is boss!’

  I got up, rubbing away the pain in my arse, and meekly took him while she grabbed the lead hanging on the wall inside the cage.

  ‘Now heel!’ she roared, while I took the lead, and he was off, dragging me down the passage.

  ‘HEEL!’ she screamed after us.

  Bonzo’s head swung on his shoulders, then he stopped dead, planking himself on his arse.

  ‘I said you must lead!’ she barked at me.

  ‘Right!’ I said, watching him watching the door, the two of us dying to get out.

  We roared into the reception area at thirty miles an hour, with Bonzo barking his head off. Samson went mad with excitement and came thundering out, barking like he was going to tear me from limb to limb, and made straight for Bonzo, who tore at him. I let go of the lead, screaming, and the two of them jumped on me.

  ‘Ah, I’m dead,’ I moaned, collapsing against the counter, letting myself flop, feeling the blood rush from my face.

  The big woman screamed, ‘In the name of heavens! Why do you own a dog? You are not fit to be left with this animal.’

  I opened my eyes and stared at her. That did it! Forgetting my fear, I rushed at Bonzo, banging Samson out of the way, and dragged Bonzo by the scruff of the neck. I took hold of the lead and tore at her, shouting, ‘Someone mistook you for a woman but you are more like that overgrown bleedin donkey there,’ I roared, pointing at Samson, ‘than you are human!’ I stood snorting at her, waiting to hear what she had to say about that.

  ‘Wonderful!’ she roared, clapping her hands.

  I stopped, confused. What’s she talking about?

  ‘You have lost your fear! That’s the way to treat ’em!’

  I looked at Samson sitting beside me and Bonzo sitting the other side, and they were looking at me very intently. Suddenly I thought Samson looked like a pussycat, and I leaned over, patting him gingerly on the head.
Bonzo barked his head off, jealous. ‘Yes, and you too, Bonzo!’ I said, petting him. Then I was off.

  ‘Keep it up!’ the big woman shouted. ‘It’s all in the voice!’

  ‘Right! It’s all in the voice,’ I echoed, gasping out of breath.

  We tore through the door, heading for the car. I held on desperately, fighting to hold him back. Puff! ‘Bonzo! You are a bad boy!’ I wheezed, trying to get my breath back, pointing my finger in his face the way she did. He shook his head and arse, looking like he was having a fit, then lowered his arse, not letting it rest on the ground. I threw my head back, letting out an unmerciful scream right into his face, sounding like I was singing soprano! He dropped his arse rapidly, planting it firmly on the ground.

  ‘Good boy!’ I said happily, thinking I’m getting the knack of it. But his feet kept tap dancing; he can’t bloody sit still. Poor thing! He’s suffering with his nerves. That woman must have put the fear of God into him!

  I opened the door, pulling back the seat, and he sailed in, flicking himself around, landing in my seat. ‘Out!’ I roared. He likes to sit there, minding the car when I’m not in it, and sizes up the people walking past, deciding whether or not they’re potential robbers. He hurled himself in the back seat, his tail flying around like a windmill.

  ‘Sit!’

  He sat for a second, then raced to the other side, looking out the window. I leaned around, opening it a little, then started the engine and we were off. ‘The excitement is mighty, Bonzo,’ I murmured. ‘I know you are delighted to be going home.’

  He immediately jumped up, giving me a big lick on the side of my neck.

  ‘Ah, Jaysus! Sit down. Sit!’ I roared.

  He gave a big sigh, stretching himself on the back seat, and we were motoring again.

  ‘Right! Here we are, Bonzo. Home again!’

  He went bananas, his barking going straight through my head and out through my ears. I jumped out just as he threw himself at the door, getting locked in.

  ‘NO! No gallivanting off for you!’ I said, wagging my finger. Then I opened the garage door, drove in and locked it behind me.

  ‘Come on, out you get,’ I said, opening the car door.

  He was a blur, squeezing himself so fast through the crack I barely got the door opened. Then he was free. He tore in through the side passage, flying to get his football, and headed it around the garden, making George Best weep with jealousy. The speed of him!

  I side-stepped, not wanting to get the legs pulled out from under me as I opened the side gate into the front garden, and stood to one side as he shot past. I could feel the wind whipping around my legs as he skidded past. He was stopped by the end gate and hopped around waiting for me to open it.

  He rubbed the back of my legs with his head to show me he loves me. ‘Yes, Bonzo. I love you too,’ I said, bending down to give him a tight hug.

  The entrance gate opened, and I lifted me head, seeing Sergei appear. My mouth hung open. Good God! What’s he doing here? He smiled, then settled his eyes on Bonzo, who was making a run for him with a deep growl in his throat.

  ‘Bonzo! Stop!’ I shouted.

  Sergei stopped, giving him an evil stare, then rumbled in a quiet whisper, snapping his finger at the ground before waving the dog down. ‘Sit!’

  Bonzo stared in shock, then dropped his arse for a split second before wandering back, giving a dirty look behind him. He doesn’t like yer man, I thought. But, then, he doesn’t really like any man. Especially the postman, or drunks, or, in one case, a poor unfortunate on crutches! I gave him a wallop for that one. The hairy little coward.

  ‘In, Bonzo,’ I said, locking him in the side passage. He stuck his head out, barking like mad as he watched Sergei making his way up to me. For a split second me heart leapt, then I remembered. It doesn’t matter any more. I have my old life back! Or, even better, my new start! I’m over twenty-one and fancy-free. No ties! I felt a jolt of happiness.

  ‘What brings you here?’ I said, wondering at his cheek to come waltzing up my path.

  ‘Oh, sorry!’ he said, waving his hands. ‘I just thought, maybe, you might like to . . . You left without saying goodbye. We are friends, no? You did not agree to meet me for coffee! I am sorry, I will go,’ he said, heading back out the gate.

  I stared after him, trying to decide if I wanted him here or not. ‘Ohh, wait a minute, please. It’s OK. Yeah, sure, it’s nice to see you. Come on in. I was just about to get something to eat,’ I said, seeing him turn around slowly, not sure if he was interested after the insult.

  He shrugged, looking a bit sulky, then let his eyes take in the height of the long grass. Jaysus! I better get moving and start cutting. That garden sure needs a bit of work. I want to have it looking lovely again.

  ‘Would you like something to eat?’ I said, whipping open the fridge. ‘What have I got?’ I muttered, half to myself. Ahh! Sister Eleanor is so good to me. Pork chops, a whole chicken, cheese, ham, eggs, rashers and sausages. I had some for my breakfast. Jaysus! The fridge is full. That will keep me going for a while. I opened the wall presses. Tea, sugar, coffee, cereals, porridge! Jaysus! No thanks. My eyes flew over the amount of stuff. Even fresh vegetables in the larder.

  ‘What would you like?’ I said, taking down the makings of a sandwich.

  ‘No, nothing, thank you. But maybe just a small something,’ he said, dropping his mouth and lifting his shoulder. ‘Yes! I will join you for a little. I will have supper later, at home. Or maybe shortly I will go to see my friends,’ he said, wandering out to the hall to get a look around.

  I made a cheese-and-onion sandwich for myself and one with ham for him. I carried in the two plates to the dining room, hearing him wandering around outside.

  ‘You must cut the grass. It is wild and will not be good,’ he said, coming in looking lost about the state of the garden.

  ‘Well! If you are so interested,’ I laughed, ‘the lawn mower is in the garage. A fine big strapping fella like you would have that done in no time!’

  ‘OK, if you wish,’ he said, not sounding bothered.

  ‘You will?’ I shouted.

  ‘Of course! Why not? I will go now,’ he said, taking off his Italian figured-in leather jacket before I could take the next breath.

  ‘Ahh, no! First have the sandwich. I don’t want them to go to waste,’ I said, sitting meself down and pouring the tea.

  I was on the phone, nattering away like mad, catching up with all me friends. Earlier I could hear the sound of the lawnmower getting heaved up and down the garden. But now it was just the odd sound of things banging, and even the dog was quiet. Occasionally he was thumping up and down the passage. Either Sergei is kicking the ball for him or he’s heading it up and down himself. He gets into fits over that ball. Heading it against the wall and thumping it into the air, or chasing it around for hours. Everyone says he’s mad! Yeah, suppose he is. Just like meself.

  ‘OK!’ Sergei said, coming into the hall and rolling down his shirt sleeves.

  ‘Oh! Are you finished?’ I said, hanging up the phone quickly and rushing out to get a look at the garden. Jaysus! Me breath caught. It’s gorgeous. The grass is lovely and even, like it had been cut by one of them motor mowers. And even the hedge is cut! I looked at me apple tree looking nice and round. All the old branches were cut back.

  Me eyes peeled to the lovely lavender tree, with all the lavender in full bloom, and the tree on the other side of the passage, forming an arch. It was hanging down with lovely branches covered in white heavy flowers. I never got around to asking someone what that tree was called. But it’s lovely. The white one side and the purple on the other. Ohh! The smell! My very own paradise.

  He watched me from behind.

  ‘Ahh! You are so good! Thank you so much, Sergei! It really means a lot to me,’ I said. ‘You’ve done a marvellous job!’

  He bowed at me, saying, ‘It is my pleasure. I was happy to do it! Now, may I have something to drink? I am thirsty.’


  ‘Oh, yeah, of course. What would you like? Jaysus! What have I got? Water? Oh! I think there’s a big carton of orange juice.’

  ‘It does not matter,’ he said. ‘Give me whatever you want. I can drink water.’

  I reached up to the press, taking down a drinking glass. Then my eyes landed on the half bottle of vodka. ‘Would you like a drink of this?’ I said, holding up the bottle for him.

  ‘Yes! Why not? Thank you.’

  He finished the drink, then stood up, putting on his jacket. ‘OK! Thank you. It is good to see you. That was nice.’

  ‘Oh! Where are you off to?’

  ‘I think maybe I will go home and do some things. I have to be up early in the morning.’

  ‘Oh, are you not working tonight?’

  ‘No, this afternoon I was free.’

  ‘Would you like a cup of tea and something to eat before you go?’

  He hesitated.

  ‘Sit down. Do you want to watch the news?’ I said, switching on the television.

  ‘OK! Just for a little time,’ he said, walking over to look out at the back garden and admire his lovely work.

  I washed up, then rummaged through the black plastic bags sitting in the hall. First thing tomorrow, I must sort all this stuff out, I thought, digging through the bag full of biscuits and all sorts of stuff. Sister Eleanor brought me up this lot. She has a sweet tooth and thought I might enjoy them. I never touched a thing.

  I grabbed a box of chocolates, saying, ‘Here! Help yourself,’ then sat down on the couch, letting him sit at the dining table, watching the telly. I dipped over, grabbing a chocolate, then flopped back down again, with the two of us companionably watching a Carry On film. I roared laughing, and he looked over, giving a big grin, seeing me get great enjoyment outa the fella trying to get blondie into the holiday nudist camp.

  The farmer who owned the field where the caravans were stashed kept licking his lips, wrangling more and more money outa the desperate fella. ‘One pound for breathing in the lovely fresh air!’ he droned, holding out his hand, flicking his eyeballs to the air, trying to think up the next wheeze. The fella was sweating as he coughed up the money. But he was hoping, dying, for a bit of nookie! But yer woman had been told by the ma to wear her woolly vest and long knickers!