by Adele Huxley
“Well, it’s not like he’s going anywhere.” She put her hands on her hips and looked around. I could tell by her expression she honestly didn’t know where he was either. That’s when the real worry started to set in.
“When was the last time you saw him? After the fire?”
She scrunched up her face and checked to make sure her parents couldn’t hear. “You mean after you were a cunt?” she whispered. “Yeah, we had a smoke and then…”
I bit my tongue but couldn’t help getting a dig in of my own. “So you were the one who started the fire. Figures. Nice job almost killing everyone.”
“It wasn’t! I put that thing out. I swear it.”
I waved my hand. “This isn’t getting us anywhere. What happened after?”
“I don’t know. I think he went to take a piss or something. I got hungry, found Mom and Dad…” She frowned at me, obviously reluctant to admit there was cause for concern. “He has to be around here somewhere.”
“So let’s find him.”
It was clear neither of us wanted to be with each other, but together we searched the lodge once more. As we weaved through the building, I felt how drastically the mood had changed. The crowd had been tense before, coping with the situation in a quiet dignity. The water had stripped them of the last shred of patience they’d clung to. It might’ve been uncomfortable before, but now… soaking wet, cold, frightened… the word “arson” was on everyone’s lips. It was like a tide turning. Coming up to the lodge had once felt like a safe option to get through the blizzard. Now, as the storm picked up steam, it became clear.
We were trapped.
After another pass through with no sign of him, I was genuinely scared. “This wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t become such a psychopath,” I lashed out. We stood in the center of the Great Hall scanning the faces around us.
“Me? You were being such a bitch this morning. He’s my best friend. Of course I’m going to protect him from someone like you.”
“Ugh, you’re infuriating!” I growled. I turned to see Liz and Bryan emerge from the basement and I realized we hadn’t checked all the back corridors. “Come on,” I said as I grabbed her sleeve.
Liz and Bryan’s heads were bent in a low conversation as we approached. If their body language hadn’t already told me enough, Liz felt the need to speak to me like I was a child. She held up a finger.
“Girls, can you just hold on a second? We’re talking about something important.” The dismissal made my blood boil.
“Seriously? Do I have a habit of coming over and interrupting you with trivial shit? You don’t think this could possibly be…”
“Dani, please. We need two minutes,” Liz said in the most condescending tone.
I gritted my teeth and was just about to go for the jugular when Marie cut in.
“Stop! Whatever the hell…” She shook her head and started over. “Is anyone down there?”
Liz and Bryan shared an alarmed look. “What do you mean?” Bryan asked carefully.
I spoke slowly, doing my best to skirt that line between clarifying and sarcasm. “What else could that possibly mean? You just came from downstairs… was there anyone else down there?” I repeated in the same tone.
I couldn’t figure out why they looked so nervous. They were deliberately dodging a simple question. “I don’t think that’s something you two need to concern yourselves with.”
“Jesus, you people suck at communication!” Marie snapped. “We can’t find our friend and we wanted to know if you’d seen him. But in the time it took to ask that, we could’ve gone downstairs and looked ourselves.” She moved to push past them when Liz’s hand shot out.
“Wait, someone’s missing? For how long?”
The alarm in her voice made the hairs on my neck stand on end. “It’s Miah and we don’t know. I haven’t seen him since before the fire,” I said with a rising flush in my cheeks. “Neither has she. We’ve been all over the lodge twice and…”
Liz literally turned her back on me to talk to Bryan. I had never felt so dismissed in my life. It took me so off guard that I ended up blinking at the back of her head speechless. They spoke in half sentences and dramatic gestures designed to keep Marie and me in the dark.
“Do you think maybe he has something to do with…” she whispered.
“No, he said it was an older guy, remember?” Bryan replied.
“Maybe they had a similar arrangement?”
“In any case, we need to find him. Now.”
Marie and I frowned at each other. “Excuse me? But what the hell are you talking about?” she asked.
Liz turned as if remembering our presence. “Okay, girls, we’re going to need your help. In order to act quickly, we have to get people organized and looking for him.”
I resented the way she was handing out orders, but at least something was being done. “Well, come on, let’s go!” I said as I turned.
Liz and Bryan exchanged another look that I couldn’t read but I knew wasn’t good.
“What’s going on?” I demanded. Liz stuck her finger up again, and I nearly snapped it in half.
“Do you remember everyone you told? We need to get everyone together, like, now,” Liz said to Bryan cryptically.
Standing on a step above, Bryan looked over our heads into the main room. It was nearly noon, and the storm was peaking. “I think so, most of them at least. Do you think we should…”
I grabbed Liz by the elbow and gave her a little shake. “What the hell is going on?”
Still not looking at me, she responded to Bryan. “Remember the presents that you and Walt got from his friend, maybe you should go get those first.”
Bryan nodded tightly, his expression turning stony. I had just about enough. I felt like a child standing in a room while the adults spelled out words so I wouldn’t know what was going on.
“Tell me what the fuck is going on or I’m going to scream,” I said slowly in a harsh whisper.
Liz studied my face, and licked her lips before she began. “Some weird things have been going on around here, things we didn’t want people to know about. It’s just a precaution, but with someone missing now…”
She didn’t have to finish the sentence. Marie and I looked at each other in horror. “Are you saying that the…”
Liz shook her head and cut me off. “No. That’s not what I’m saying at all. I just think it’s best if we play it safe now.”
I stared at her in disbelief. After everything this woman had apparently gone through, you would think that was all she would do is play it safe. She had put my friends and me at risk by not giving us all the information, not to mention the entire fucking town. Obviously, we would not have gone off by ourselves if we’d known a murderer was walking around.
“Why don’t you go get your parents, let them know that he might be missing but try not to alarm anybody nearby,” Liz said to Marie.
“This is bullshit,” I started to say.
Liz grabbed my shoulders and looked me squarely in the eye. The intensity in her gaze pinned me to the spot. “We can’t cause a panic. Individuals are smart but crowds are stupid, okay? We have to be aware of this. I’m sure he’s fine, but we need to find him right away, and we need to do it without putting anyone else at risk.”
I nodded as the cold terror of the situation sank into my bones. “Okay, what do you want me to do?”
Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, the girls came at me with even more bad news. I was going to throw up on the spot. As I struggled to come to terms with our situation, Bryan was already three steps ahead trying to fix it.
“Chris, are you there? Chris?” he asked into the radio. As he waited for a response, he turned to us. “Try to discretely grab ten, fifteen people you can trust. Act cheerful, like we’re planning a surprise. Send them here and come back when you’re finished.”
Marie and Dani moved to follow his instructions when I stopped them short. They both looked o
n the brink of hysterics and I knew they wouldn’t be smart about keeping this quiet. “No, I have something important for the two of you. You need to distract the others somehow, keep their attention on you and not on…”
“No fucking way,” Dani snapped. Her eyes glimmered with tears but she stood firm. “There’s no way I’m not helping look for him. No way.”
“Same here,” Marie insisted with a shake of her head.
“I’m here, boss, what do you need?” Chris said across the walkie-talkie.
I turned my own radio down as Bryan walked away to speak privately. “We’re wasting time arguing about this.”
“Great, then we’re helping look,” Dani declared.
I was done pleading. I was done trying to be the nice guy, the best friend, the cool mom. I needed her to listen to me and obey what I was asking of her. “Every second we stand here butting heads is another second he’s missing. You are going to go in there and read a story, sing a fucking song, I don’t care. Keep them occupied because if they panic, we’re all screwed.”
Dani blinked back her tears. I regretted getting so harsh with her. With her rough edges and tough attitude, it was easy to forget she really was just a kid… a kid who has been through a lot of shit this past year. Here I was laying on even more. It didn’t change the fact that we needed to get moving.
“Do we understand each other?”
“Yes, ma’am,” Marie replied. She tugged Dani away towards the Great Hall. I gave them a few steps before following, scanning the crowd for any familiar, trustworthy faces.
I fixed the calmest mask on my face, hoping that I looked like the picture of control. Inside, however, I was freaking the fuck out. I carefully stepped over to where I had left Jack and Walt. I crouched down, taking Jack from Walt’s arms, and whispered.
“You remember the thing we talked about earlier?” I asked, my eyes going wide with subtext.
He looked at me sideways, the bags under his eyes pronounced in the bright light. “Yes, what about it?”
“Bryan needs your help,” I said slowly. “He’s upstairs in the office getting the presents you two brought from your shop.” I spoke enigmatically, just in case any people nearby might be listening. The last thing I wanted was to get the whole lodge up in a panic. Hey, Walt, you know those guns you brought just in case? Get ‘em.
Walt blinked a couple times and nodded slowly. I set Jack on the floor and helped Walt to his feet, the old man cursing under his breath as he struggled to stand from the floor. I scooped Jack up in my arms and gave Walt a pat on the shoulder.
“I’ll be down here letting people know, but try to keep things quiet.”
As I turned, I came eye to eye with Dani. She looked furious, terrified, and as impotent as I felt. I knew she wanted to help, but at the same time, I needed to protect her from anything horrible that might happen. The girl had enough on her plate as it was. She didn’t need to be the one who found her boyfriend hurt or possibly worse. I knew from experience that sort of thing didn’t fade quickly. I took a deep breath and stepped closer. Before I could speak, she started talking.
“I’m not just here to babysit your kid,” she snapped, “or other kids, or any adults for that matter. I want to help look for him.”
I was a little taken aback by her anger and conceded. “I’ll keep Jack, but I don’t want you going anywhere. The best way you can help us is to just to stay here and make sure everyone stays calm. Things like this tend to spread pretty quickly.”
She huffed and crossed her arms, looking every bit the teenager that she really was. I don’t care how adult she felt, this was something even I didn’t want to deal with. I shut the argument down by walking away.
I slowly picked a path through the crowd. The lodge was looking like a true refugee camp. The fires had been stoked, lines strung up to air-dry clothes. The howling winds pelted snow against the glass and I prayed the generators could hold out through the bulk of the storm. Even the light was fading as the snow crept further and further up the windows.
I spotted Sally in the middle of the room, her nose in a Kindle. Her gray hair glinted with silver in the light. She focused on me over the edge of her reading glasses.
“I’m afraid to ask,” she breathed.
“Someone has gone missing,” I whispered. “Miah Sanders.”
Sally’s expression tightened. She looked at her lap as she turned off the Kindle and sighed. “He’s probably just run off to go get freaky in a closet somewhere. I know I would be if I were his age,” she chuckled.
“Even so, we are getting a few people together. I’d appreciate if you kept it as quiet as possible.”
Even though she was joking, I could tell Sally took it seriously. “Yeah, absolutely. Maybe I’ll be the lucky ducky to catch him with his pants down.”
One by one, I picked my way through the crowd, delivering the horrible news. Within a few minutes, over twenty people were scouring the grounds looking for any sign of him.
I couldn’t even bring myself to look at Marie’s parents. They were completely beside themselves. They were a small, older couple who looked more like siblings than spouses. Huddled at a table in the kitchen, her mother couldn’t stop crying while her husband gently rubbed her shoulder, staring off into the distance. They’d been responsible for watching him and even though he was older, I knew they felt terrible.
I hugged myself. Pressing my lips together tightly, I forced myself not to cry. It was the one thing no one warned me about when I had Jack. Not only was every person suddenly a child in your eyes, every parent’s pain was your own.
I felt adrift at sea, bobbing in the waves with no clue which direction to swim. I watched as Liz worked her way around the room, delivering her news like a pretty, perky grim reaper. The look on each person’s face would stay with me for the rest of my life. My own feelings reflected on the expressions of strangers. Fear, worry, apprehension… emotions I dared not let in. The dark voice in my head, the one I tried so hard to silence every day, had front and center stage.
He’s dead. He’s frozen to death or worse and the last thing you said to him was horrible. And you can’t take it back.
“Dani, come on!” Marie said right in front of my face. I hadn’t even noticed her standing there, practically nose to nose. “We need to distract everyone like Liz said.”
Oh, screw Liz, I thought, but allowed myself to be guided. She sat at the old wooden piano and tinkled a few runs up and down the keys. She looked up at me expectantly, like she was waiting for a cue of some sort.
“What do you think? If we do Twelve Days of Christmas that should buy us a good ten minutes.”
“You aren’t seriously thinking of…”
Marie stood on the piano bench and called out. “Hey, everyone! Let’s do a little sing-along!” I don’t know if anyone else could hear the tremor in her voice, but she did get their attention. “Let’s get the little ones gathered up front, bigger kids to the back. That includes you Mrs. Gabble.”
The crowd laughed, and I watched in awe as she was able to push her fear away. No one would’ve suspected a thing was wrong. I took a few steps back as the children obediently fell into place and tried to inch away to the side before she noticed.
“My friend Dani here is going to get us started,” she gestured to me before I could get away.
“Hi,” I squeaked with a wave. Every fiber of my being wanted to run straight out of that room and scour the grounds for Miah, yet I remained rooted to the spot.
“Trust me, she sings better than she speaks.” Marie jumped back down and repeated the same run down the keyboard before diving into the beginning of the song. She had to repeat the first two lines before I caught on.
“On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…”
And just like that, we suckered a couple dozen people into ignoring the terror knocking at their door. I ran on autopilot, the song coming from my mouth as though I weren’t the one singing. I felt like an ani
matronic girl, singing, smiling, full of fucking Christmas cheer. Inside, I couldn’t stop the dark voice.
It’s just like your father, you know. You yelled at him too, and look what happened. You’re cursed. You’re doomed. You should never get close to people because this is what happens. Why even bother anymore? You’ll just fail. You always fail.
As the songs slipped freely from my mouth, I watched the smiling faces of the children in front of me. I envied them more than I could ever describe. All they had to worry about was Santa coming tonight, sharing their toys, chicken nuggets in the shape of dinosaurs, naps. Life was simple for them. Life was still a good and happy thing.
And in that moment I put a word to the deepest emotion I’d felt since my dad’s accident.
Loss.
I’d lost my innocence. My childhood came to a halt like a slammed door and now I was trapped on the outside, unable to ever return. I’d lost my future. The anger and hatred that burned inside of me changed how I saw the world. I’d lost my family. My dad would never see me graduate or come to a soccer game. My mom was now an exhausted, weary caregiver with little time for me.
Being wrenched from my adolescence didn’t automatically thrust me into adulthood. I was bitter because people refused to acknowledge me as an adult. I fought for their respect, appreciation, all while resenting the fact I had to. Didn’t my experiences buy me a ticket into the club? Forget my age. Hadn’t I been through enough to warrant a shred of respect? To top it all off, if this is what being an adult was like, I wanted nothing to do with it. I wanted to be a kid, blissfully unaware and happily secure in a world that would never change.
And it was in that bizarre, detached moment I realized I didn’t belong to either side. Too much of this and too little of that. I’d hoped that’s where Miah and Marie and the others came in, a bridge between two lives, but I’d screwed that up as well. Surrounded by all those people, I’ve never felt so alone.
The girls’ singing was a good distraction for the children, but it was difficult to keep the search a secret from the adults. It’s pretty obvious when two dozen people en mass walk around the lodge with flashlights in various states of concern. But for the most part, we worked in secret. I ducked into the front hall, pressing myself into a corner and radioed Bryan.
