I walked deeper into the forest, the path becoming narrower and filled with weeds.
Eventually my thoughts turned to Taren. For all my hurt and anger, I conceded that he hadn't had much choice but to keep the truth from me. His sense of duty had been bored into him since childhood. What I was doing now would hurt him even more than he'd hurt me, and I hoped he could forgive me someday.
I came to a chain-link fence and climbed over it. The path disappeared, but I knew from the way I felt that I was still within the Sanctuary. Dirt gave way to rock, and within a few paces, I had reached my destination.
The city of Los Angeles lay before me, and I paused to take in the view. It was a clear day, no smog marring the skyline. I could even see the mountains in the distance. I looked over the edge of the boulder I stood upon and saw the long drop below.
Unlike that night so many weeks ago, I wasn't romanticizing death. I had been sure then that something waited for me. The voice in my head had assured me of that. Assured me I would be warm, that I would be at peace. But that had been a lie designed to make me court death like a lover. Now I had no idea what awaited me. Limbo? Hell? For the first time, I hoped there was no afterlife at all. A complete lack of awareness would suit me fine.
I kicked a small rock and it cascaded down the hillside, showing me the way.
“Don't do this, Ember,” Taren said from behind me. “Please, don't do this.”
I wheeled around, startled at his presence. He stood only a few feet away, his eyes filled with worry.
“I have to, Taren. It's the only way.”
I stifled the part of me that wanted to go to him, that still wanted to believe.
“No,” he said fiercely, “it's the easy way. You're stronger than this.”
I barked a laugh. “You think I'm doing this because I'm scared?” In truth, I was scared—terrified, in fact—but that wasn't what this was about. “I'm doing this because I'll never be able to trust myself. Not ever. Even when I think I'm making the right decision, it will be the one that it wants me to make.”
“What if this is what it wants you to do?”
The pleading in his voice cut deep into my heart, but I shook my head.
“It isn't. It wants me to open the Gate all the way. That's why it showed me the truth about your mother. So I would be so mad at the Institute, at the world, that I would unleash Hell on Earth.”
The Demon knew my every thought, knew what it would do to me to realize I'd been used by the only people I trusted.
“It's been trying to keep me alive this whole time—making sure I was discovered the night I tried to kill myself, warning me to be careful.”
“What about the Red last night?” Taren said, determined. “He was trying to kill you.”
“Maybe,” I said, “or maybe it was just another ruse to guarantee I'd end up back here, doing its bidding. All the more reason for me to do this. If I'm expelled, they'll pull the protection detail and I'll be hunted down, probably along with my mother. By doing this, I can at least save her.”
“You know she won't survive losing you,” he said, taking a tentative step forward.
I held up my hand, warning him to come no closer.
“It doesn't matter,” I said, trying to numb the painful truth of his words. “It's the only way. You of all people know it's true, Taren. Your own mother… I'll never be able to trust myself.”
“I trust you,” he said.
“Because you want to.”
He was as much a victim of hope as I had been.
“Because I see who you are,” he said. “And because you won't make the same mistake my mother did.”
“Then I'll make a different one, but it will be just as costly. I'll fight and I'll try, but it will be for nothing. I'll end up insane and I’ll open the Gate whether I want to or not. Nothing I do will matter.”
“But it will matter. You'll be saving lives, Ember. Do you have any idea how many people are out there, suffering, with no idea why? At least your suffering will have a purpose. Do you have any idea what that would mean to the people I meet in mental institutions? To know their pain isn't all for nothing? And when the voice gets too strong, you won't keep it to yourself. You’ll tell me. And I don't care what the Elders say—I will get you out. I promise you, Ember, I will not lose you.”
I looked at the pleading in his eyes and longed to believe. He took another step closer.
“You don't have to forgive me,” he said. “I knew you wouldn't. But I'll protect you anyway. Always.”
My breath caught in my throat. “The voice, the thought I heard in the car…”
“Was mine,” Taren said. “Don't you see? Even after thirty years at the Institute, my mother wasn't telepathic. That has to mean something. You're the one, Ember. You're the one.”
That familiar electricity passed between us, though we were still a foot apart. I willed myself to fall into his arms and believe it would all be alright, but the time for that had passed.
An alarm pierced the forest. Birds took flight and coyotes howled in eerie unison. For a moment, Taren and I stood, transfixed.
I broke the stalemate by rushing forward past Taren and toward the fence. Taren cleared it first and helped me over. We raced down the path, Taren slowing to match my pace.
“We'll find you somewhere safe, away from the Gateway,” he said. “You're strong enough to help at a distance, and I can't risk you being attacked by a demon.”
“No,” I said, already breathless, “it's time to finish this.”
24
Taren protested most of the way to the main house, stopping only when he realized it was futile.
The grounds of the Institute were in chaos. Guardians and Keepers alike raced toward battle, the students split between fleeing for safety and going on the attack.
The instant we crossed the boundary, my whole body was wracked with spasms. I fell to the ground, my back arching to the brink of snapping.
“Ember, get back—”
“No,” I said through gritted teeth, snatching my hand away when he tried to pull me back to safety.
The Gateway was collapsing. That much was evident. I reached out, clutching for the void. I had to find a way to mute the pain or I wouldn't be able to move even an inch closer. I had to get to the Gate.
Taren bent down over my contorted figure, casting a long shadow. I mentally hurtled into it, no time left for delicacy, or trying to find a light behind my eyes. The moment I crossed the threshold, the spasms ceased and the pain lessened. With Taren's help, I regained my footing. He opened his mouth to speak, but I cut him off.
“Don't tell me to get back to safety. I know what I need to do.”
I let go of his arm and lurched toward the main house. Demons streamed through the doorways, the battle spilling onto the lawn. A tiny creature that looked more like a howler monkey than anything else sprang at me with astonishing speed. It screeched, exposing razor-sharp fangs. I opened my mouth to scream, but Taren was there, flinging it aside just before it made purchase. The Demon landed inside the Sanctuary, its howl piercing through the sounds of battle. It leapt back across the boundary and darted out of sight.
We raced forward, Taren hacking and slashing to make a path. A giant slug-like creature oozed its way down the steps until a cudgel-wielding Guardian bludgeoned it to death. A moment later, the same Guardian was disemboweled by the claws of a beast half his size. Innards exposed, he rolled down the steps, dead before he reached the bottom. I wanted to shrink back, but instead we pushed on.
We scrambled up the stairs and fought our way through the cavernous doorway. Splattered in blood, the entryway reeked of death, the demon corpses especially pungent. The stink filled my nostrils and I struggled to keep from heaving. Flame-red hair caught my eye, and I saw Kat making mincemeat of a Dahrak. Black pus splashed her as the beast fell. She let out a battle cry and turned to take on another. Annys joined the fray, racing in from another hallway. Dressed in battle gear and bran
dishing a sword and shield, she was every inch a Guardian. With one stroke, two demons fell, decapitated.
“Stay back,” Taren shouted, his knife slicing into the heart of another Dahrak.
I pressed against the wall as he took on two more. I noticed a set of double doors off to the left and recognized them as the ones I'd seen through Gretchen's eyes. After one last look at Taren, who was still occupied with fighting, I shoved my way inside.
The fighting was even thicker here; the demons with the upper hand on sheer numbers alone. For every one that fell, three more streamed through the gaping hole in the floor.
The center of the Gateway wasn't broken—it was dust. The eight other tiles remained intact, but deep fissures ran their length. With the center tile destroyed, the Gateway would never be whole again. Left like this, the demons would have free access to this world. The world where my mother had always been free to be crazy in relative safety, where Kat, Taren, and the like would fight to their last breath. Where I had taken living for granted enough that I’d resented being alive. And now there was no stopping it. The Demon had kept me alive for the sole purpose of finishing it.
Yes, Ember, finish it. Finish it so that I can come forth. Do this, and I promise safety for you and those you love.
Its words were soft, a gentle caress across my mind, and I considered them.
What had this world given me? What did I really owe it, beyond safety for my own small patch?
Even muted, sensation overwhelmed me. Every painful memory, every wrong committed against me fused with a physical sensation and I fell to my knees, struggling not to black out.
That's right, just focus.
I did as instructed—what other choice did I have? It was the only way to save the people I cared about.
I became one with the Gateway. I felt the Keepers through the link, pulling, pushing with all of their strength, willing the cracks to heal. Couldn't they see there was nothing left to save? There was only one thing left to do. One by one, I severed the tenuous threads they held onto. With each cut, I knew the damage I was doing—to the Keeper who held the link, to the Gate—but I was ruthless.
Yes, yes…
Its urging made me stronger. With the last link severed, I was aware that new Keepers rushed to replace those who had fallen unconscious. I pushed against them, forcing them out. In the bedlam, the Keepers screamed, shouting orders to each other on how to proceed. Had they known it was me, I'm sure I would have been cut down, but a Keeper in training huddled on the floor hardly posed a threat. If they only knew.
“We must be stronger! Push harder.” Master Dogan's voice sliced through the din. I crouched lower, knowing he would stop at nothing to protect what remained. He didn't realize that the time for fighting was over.
I stared into the gaping hole in the center of the Gateway, allowing it to pull me deeper.
I was no longer one with the Gateway. I was the Gateway. I vibrated with an energy, a power too big to be contained. I felt every heartbeat as it pulsed through my veins; felt the interchange of blood in my capillaries as they cycled carbon dioxide back into the oxygen I needed to survive. All of life was like that, cycling over and over again in a never-ending exchange of good and bad, poison and medicine.
It never has to be like that again.
Its words firmed my resolve, and a feeling—a powerful force that I couldn’t explain—flooded through me. I used it to blow the remains of the Gateway apart.
A deafening sound reverberated around the hall; dust and gravel showered the room. For a moment, battle was suspended as all turned to look at the twelve-foot gash. The Keepers who had been connected to the Gate screamed in agony and collapsed. Through the debris, Master Dogan locked eyes with me.
“What have you done?” he cried.
His face twisted in anguish, and I almost succumbed to his grief. He was a broken man, weeping openly.
With the Gateway destroyed, I was no longer linked to it, and the feeling of being ripped apart ceased. I stood, knowing what would come next through the giant hole in the floor.
Taren skidded into the room, halting at the scene. I locked eyes with him and he knew.
“Ember, no!”
In his shock, Taren dropped his weapon. Now unarmed, one of the monkey creatures flew at him, fangs tearing flesh from his shoulder. A second later, Kat was there, pulling the beast off of Taren and smashing its skull.
The suspended reality stretched out as more and more Guardians spilled into the room and learned the condition of the Gateway. Dozens of demons escaped unimpeded. The ground began to rumble.
Finally free after all of these centuries, I assumed the Demon would shoot forth like a laser. But real power didn't require speed. Like the schoolteacher that whispers, shh to calm a room of children, it is within the intent, not the action where power lies.
The Demon came through sinuously, slowly, taking pleasure in its ascent. It was as wide as the Gateway itself, and once stretched to its full height, would extend past the balcony. There were empty sockets where its eyes should have been, and its mouth was ringed with fangs. It had the appearance of having been bathed in acid, its oily black flesh looking burned and hanging off in strips.
Ever since I’d gotten my tattoo, the Demon had been able to see life through my eyes. Now, our link was complete, and I could experience us through it. We were so small, so unimportant—valuable only if useful.
Slime dripped from its limbs, too numerous to count. They reached out, heedless of the Guardians cutting them, severing some completely. Its mouth, as large as the domed skylight overhead, opened in a cruel rictus.
Leave now if you wish to be safe.
Without warning, the Guardians closest to the Demon flew backward through the air, crashing to the floor. Dozens more rushed forward, only to meet the same fate.
Though no longer connected to the Gateway, I was still connected to the power that had created it. I hurled it at the Demon.
It swayed, but sustained no injury. It swung its awful head in my direction.
I offer safety to you and your—
I sent another bolt of power, this one concentrated at its chest as it emerged from the opening in the floor. The flames that erupted were quickly snuffed out.
You know you're not strong enough to defeat me—I can hear it in your thoughts—yet you fight on like a pitiful human. Like the half-breed dog you are.
It was right. I would never be strong enough to defeat it; I had known that before I'd blown the Gateway apart.
With every scrap of strength I had left, I tried again, this time aiming a bolt of energy straight at the Demon's skull. When it opened its mouth to let out a snarl, I was already racing toward it.
I dove headlong into the mouth of the beast. Sometimes you cannot drop in, you must careen headlong into destiny. Darkness closed around me. Acid stung my whole being. I hadn't started this, but it was mine to end.
Visions flashed behind my eyes. My mother, looking years younger, having a fit about something and me running to my room in tears. Taking out a journal and sketching, being soothed by the repetition of drawing a series of lines that I would later realize belonged on the bottom left corner. Feeling alienated at school, and scribbling designs on a math test—the bottom right of the symbol. One by one the visions came, showing me each time I’d received another segment of the Gateway.
With each vision came clarity, and each shone brighter than the one before it. I had spent my life hoping to be shielded from the pain of my existence, the pain of being so alone. But I wasn't alone, and never had been. With each segment I had been given, I had been protected, given what I needed to keep going.
The Demon was wrong—there was no ending the cycle of good and bad, wrong and right, poison and oxygen. The Daemons had tried it, and both sides had paid dearly. The Daemons on this side falling to madness and suicide, those on the other turning in on themselves until they became nothing but a horrifying shadow of their former greatness. There
was no ending the cycle, because the cycle was life itself. Even my death would be a part of it.
And I was dying.
I was being digested, my skin dissolving one layer at a time, and as it did, I felt one thing: regret. Regret for all of my years spent railing against life, against unfairness. What did I owe the world? I wasn't sure, but I knew what it owed me. Nothing. It owed me nothing, and yet had given me so much, and I'd squandered it. As the scenes of my life continued to flash by, I knew one thing with a certainty stronger than I'd ever experienced.
I wanted to live.
Even if my mother never took her meds again. Even if Taren and I didn’t work out. Even if I were drummed out of the Institute. I wanted to be around to see it.
For the very first time, a ball of light blazed in my mind’s eye.
The light was a combination of silver and gold, molten lava that burned so pure that no ash was left behind. I was no longer channeling it. I had become it. I stopped feeling the burning pain, the fire inside me burned hotter than the acid that engulfed me. I surrendered myself completely, willing to follow where it led.
25
“She’s awake! Nurse—she’s awake! Ember, honey, you’re OK. You had an accident and…”
I stopped hearing her. So Hades did exist. I was Sisyphus and this was my boulder. After all of my years spent resenting life, I couldn’t think of a more fitting way for me to spend eternity.
“She's definitely awake—look at her smiling.”
The sound of Taren’s voice was a shock. And if I could register shock, then that meant I had a nervous system. If I had a nervous system…
My eyes flew open and tears welled up in them when I saw Taren and my mother leaning over me.
“Where’s Kat? Is she—?” My voice came out in a raspy croak, as if I had spent hours upwind of a bonfire.
“She’s fine,” Taren said. “We’ve been sleeping in shifts. She’ll be back soon, I promise.”
The Gateway Trilogy: Complete Series: (Books 1-3) Page 18
