Rosemary continued. “You certainly were young to be left a widow. It must have been hard on you. I’m sure your family would have loved to have you move back to El Paso.”
“I didn’t have any family left there. My mother died when I was a baby, so it had just been me and my dad. Daddy died right before Jim and I moved to Abilene.” Emily couldn’t believe she was sharing so much of her past with this woman. Before long she would be telling her the truth about her relationship with Steven.
The trio looked up from where they were sitting and noticed that most of the ladies had gone back into the church. Deciding that they had better do the same, they picked up their belongings and went inside.
The quilting bee ended about two o’clock. As Alice and Emily were getting ready to drive off, Rosemary yelled for them to wait. Running out to the buggy, she said, “Emily, that big white house you see over there, that’s the parsonage. I want you to come and visit me anytime. I would truly love to be your friend.”
Emily found it difficult to respond. She felt the tears welling up inside. “Thank you. I would love to be your friend, Rosemary.”
“I’ll be looking for you to stop by before long,” Rosemary called as the two drove away.
Alice waited a few minutes before she said anything. “Emily, Rosemary is very serious. She wants to be your friend. She’s a wonderful person, and I figure a lonely person at times. You may have noticed she and Brother Kirkland have no children, so I’m sure she gets lonely. She tries to keep busy with church activities, and she’s always the first one there during an illness or a crisis. You’d do well to cultivate her friendship.”
“I could tell that she’s a very special person. I hope we can become good friends. I think it might take awhile before anyone else wants to call me their friend. The other ladies didn’t overwhelm me with their eagerness to get to know me.”
“Give them time. They’re all nice ladies, just prone to be a little gossipy and nosy. They’ll come around once they get to know you.”
The next day, Steven rode into Tyler and went directly to the bank, where he was shown into Calvin Meyers’s office. Calvin was president of the bank and probably one of the most influential citizens in town.
“Steven Barnes, I’m glad you’re back. It sure is good to see you,” Calvin greeted as he extended his hand.
“It’s good to see you, Calvin. I just need to know what the finances look like for the farm.”
“It’s in good shape. Just like the last report I sent you. Actually you may not have gotten that report. I mailed it a little over a month ago, so you’d probably left. I’ll show you my copy of it.” Calvin pulled a pad out of his desk and handed it to Steven.
“Thanks. I also want to tell you how much I appreciate you looking after things all that time I was gone.” Steven looked over the figures on the pad Calvin handed him. “Things are in much better shape than I’d hoped. Looks like the place did much better without me around.”
“You wait just a minute. You might not have been here, but you had a lot to do with the success of that farm,” Calvin quickly pointed out. “When you left and stopped by here and appointed me guardian of your place and your family, I took that job very seriously. I’ve known you all your life. We grew up in the same community, and I knew if you were leaving you had good reason. Not a month went by that you didn’t send money to care for your family. You had a big part in how well the place did.”
“Oh, I know I sent money. Anybody could do that. I wasn’t here for my family. I should have come home.”
“Yeah, you should have come home. But I know better than anyone why you didn’t. If you had left Rebecca in charge of things, you wouldn’t have had anything to come home to. That woman could go through money faster than anyone I’ve ever seen.” Calvin shook his head. “I also know she made your life miserable after you bought the farm. She sure was good at pouring on the charm for everyone else though. After you left, she played the part of deserted female to the hilt.”
“I did desert her. She had a right to play that part. When I left I only planned to stay gone just long enough to get us back on our feet financially. But as time went by, I couldn’t bring myself to come back. I felt like such a failure. Not only as a farmer, but as a husband and father, too.”
“When you wrote and asked me to find someone to sharecrop or rent the land, I knew then you weren’t coming home,” Calvin confessed.
“You really picked wisely when you chose Clyde Bentley to farm the place.”
“I talked to Clyde, and he agreed to do it and to teach the boys to farm so they could eventually take over. Clyde is your friend, Steven. He knew what Rebecca was really like, too. He could see how she rode you and never let you forget how you dragged her to that godforsaken place.”
“Look, Becky’s not all to blame here. I knew what she was like when I married her. I should have never taken her from the life she was accustomed to. She never wanted to be a farmer’s wife. The farm was my dream. And I couldn’t even hold on to it,” Steven sadly admitted. “There is something I don’t understand though.”
“What’s that?” Calvin asked.
“Matt told me the other day that they never heard from me after I left. That’s just not true. In the beginning, I wrote to Becky regularly. I didn’t write so much the last couple of years, but I did at first. Now why would Matt think I didn’t keep in touch with them?”
“I’m sure Becky planned it that way. Most anybody you ask will say she never said an unkind word about you after you left. She got more sympathy that way, and everyone thought she was a martyr.” Calvin paused a moment. “Now she talked a different story to me. She didn’t like having to come to me for money, and she called you some rather choice names in this office. As for the kids, she just let them think you left without a word, and that she didn’t know where you were.”
“She always knew how to get in touch with me. I have her letters to prove it.” Steven sighed.
“You better hold on to those letters. You may be forced to prove it to your kids some day.” Calvin grinned just a little as he asked, “Tell me about this new Mrs. Barnes I’ve been hearing about.”
“And what have you been hearing?”
“Gossip is that she’s the reason you didn’t come home. Most folks have you living in sin with her for the past five years,” Calvin informed him.
“Boy, they couldn’t be farther from the truth on that one.” Steven sighed again. “I don’t care what anyone else thinks, but I’ll tell you what really happened.”
“You don’t have to. You know I don’t believe rumors,” Calvin assured him.
“I know I don’t have to, but I want to. I really need to talk to someone about this. A couple of days after I got your letter about Becky’s death and about the kids, I went into the café where Emily worked. I used to go in there whenever I’d go to town. We were acquaintances, that’s all. We’d pass the time of day, and she always had a smile for everyone who came in. Anyway, that day I just asked her to marry me. Actually I made her a business proposition. I knew she was a good, God-fearing woman, and I explained my situation to her. I told her this would be a marriage in name only. She accepted. I don’t know why, but she said yes. I knew Becky would want the kids raised by someone like her.”
“Are you sure you asked her to marry you because Becky would want the kids raised by someone like her? Or do you want the kids raised by someone like her?”
“I was sure at first now I don’t know. She is a remarkable woman.” Steven smiled as he thought about Emily. “I have to stand firm though. I can’t be a husband to anyone. I’m no good at that job.”
Calvin frowned. “Steven, you made some mistakes. We all make mistakes. You can’t beat yourself up forever over the past. The past is gone and you can’t do anything about it. You can, however, do something about the present and possibly make the future better for yourself and your family. Don’t throw your chance for happiness away. You deserve to be happy.�
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The men sat in silence for a short while. Steven was thinking about what Calvin had just said. He didn’t feel he deserved to be happy. He had been a lousy husband. Becky had told him that often enough. He knew he would never be father of the year, either, but he could keep his children fed, clothed, with a roof over their heads. He would expect nothing for himself. He would have to pay for his mistakes.
Calvin interrupted his thoughts. “As for you not being a good husband, well, I thought it took two to make or break a marriage. I know you did your best. Maybe if you would have had more support from Becky, things would have been different. Look, Steven, you made some mistakes, but God forgives. All you have to do is ask for His forgiveness. He’ll wipe the slate clean for you if you’ll let Him. He’ll allow you to forgive yourself, too.”
“Calvin, I messed my life up, and now I’ve got to live with it. I think God gave up on me a long time ago. Thanks for the sermon and everything else.” Steven stood and extended his hand to Calvin.
As Calvin shook Steven’s hand, he replied, “Just remember, I’m your friend. I’m here if and when you need me.” He smiled. “I’m gonna come out to your place one of these days and meet that remarkable woman that’s your wife in name only.”
Steven shot him a half grin as he turned to go. He had one more stop to make before he started back to the farm—the judge’s office, where he needed to fix out a paper on the kids just as he’d told Emily he’d do. He had broken a lot of promises in the past, but from now on he would do his best to keep all promises he made, starting with this one to protect Emily.
Afterward, in no big hurry to get home, Steven kept the horse at a slow trot. His mind was spinning as thoughts of Emily filled his head. He had done remarkably well until now at keeping her at a safe distance; he couldn’t start thinking of her as his wife. He couldn’t fail at marriage twice.
Feeling the sunshine warm on his back and smelling the clean fresh air lifted his spirits a little. “The picnic the other day was really nice,” he thought out loud. He could picture Emily as she came out to the field with the basket. It was such a relaxing moment, and so peaceful. Emily seemed to have a way of making things peaceful for him.
“Stop it, Steven,” he said to himself. “You can’t do this to yourself. She’s just here to help with the children and take care of the house. She never agreed to be your wife. You’ve got to remember that!”
The other thing nagging at him was what Calvin had said about the Lord forgiving him and allowing him to forgive himself. He just couldn’t see how that was possible. He had made such a mess of things, no one could forgive him. His kids certainly hadn’t, and God couldn’t either. Maybe if he worked hard enough and the farm continued to have success, maybe he could earn his children’s forgiveness. But at this point he just wasn’t good enough to be in God’s presence. He had no right to ask God for anything.
CHAPTER 6
On Sunday after church, Alice approached Emily. “Would you consider having the ministers over for a meal during the revival?” she asked.
“Oh Alice, I don’t know. Our meal table is still a battlefield. I sure wouldn’t want a preacher hit by a stray bullet.”
“Just think about it. I have one spot left and I can’t seem to get anyone to fill it. It’s the noon meal on the first Friday. The visiting preacher is coming alone, so you would just have him, Rosemary, and Brother Kirkland. Maybe you could talk it over with Steven.”
“I’ll do my best. How soon do you have to know?”
“You can let me know Wednesday at prayer meeting. The revival starts next week. If I don’t get someone else to take that spot, then I’ll have to feed them three times instead of two.”
It seemed silly not to be able to invite guests to your home. But Emily still didn’t feel like it was her home. She took care of the house and prepared the meals, but she didn’t feel at home. She would talk to Steven, but Alice hadn’t given her much time.
The children were all in bed or at least in their rooms. The house was quiet, but Emily wasn’t ready to turn in. She slipped out on the porch and sat down in the swing. Nature’s symphony was in fine form that evening. The crickets and frogs appeared to be having a competition to discover who could sing the loudest.
The sound of Steven’s monotone whistle grew louder, and Emily looked up to see him walk around the corner. He jumped when he saw her sitting there.
“I’m sorry if I scared you,” she apologized.
“I just wasn’t expecting anyone to be out here this time of night,” he said. Sitting down on the edge of the porch, he remarked, “The breeze sure is nice tonight.”
“It certainly is.”
Steven gave her a long look, and Emily caught a glimpse of something in his expression, something she could put no name to. He wiped his forehead, as though he were suddenly hot. The evening was rapidly getting warm, Emily thought as she looked at Steven sideways. She was suddenly very aware of every little movement he made; she fought a sudden crazy yearning to be held close to him in his arms. The air that was once cool and inviting now seemed a little stifling.
She cleared her throat. Someone had to break this spell before it was too late. “Steven, I need to ask a favor of you.”
“What is it?”
“Alice asked if I would have the preachers over for a meal during the revival. I would really like to do it for her. She’s been so kind to me, I would like to help her out with this.”
“Emily, you don’t have to ask my permission to have people over. This is your home, too, you know. It may be a little awkward, but this family should be able to behave for one meal.”
“Thank you very much, Steven. I’ll let Alice know.”
This was a side of Steven Emily hadn’t seen. Being sensitive was not a trait he had been putting on display recently. It was very nice, very nice indeed. She noticed that the air hadn’t cooled off at all.
“I guess I’d better turn in. It’s getting late,” Emily said as she rose from the swing. She felt weak in the knees.
“Good night,” Steven whispered as she walked by him.
“Good night,” she returned.
The revival began. The visiting preacher, Brother Lemons, was a dynamic speaker, and the brush arbor that had been built for the revival was filled every night. The whole community seemed to have turned out—except for Steven. He drove them to the services and picked them up, but he never stayed. Emily was very disappointed. On Friday morning, Steven told the children that the ministers and Rosemary were coming for dinner. He instructed them to be on their best behavior.
The clergy and Rosemary arrived and were shown into the living room, where Steven played the gracious host. Emily was very proud of him.
“Whatever you’re fixing smells delicious,” Rosemary said, coming into the kitchen.
“It’s ham. I hope you haven’t eaten it every day this week.”
“As a matter of fact, we haven’t had it at all. It will be a welcome change. Although all the meals have been great,” Rosemary acknowledged. “Sarah, the table looks lovely.”
“Sarah is my right hand around here,” Emily said, giving Sarah a smile. “I think everything is ready. Sarah, do you want to ring the dinner bell for the boys while I go get the menfolk?”
The meal was not as bad as Emily had feared. The children were quiet but well behaved. Brother Lemons was a wonderful conversationalist and drew everyone in at one time or another.
After the meal, Brother Lemons turned to Steven and commented, “I don’t believe I’ve seen you at the service this week, Steven.”
Emily almost dropped her cup of coffee. She couldn’t believe the minister was so blunt. She wondered what Steven was going to say.
“No sir. You haven’t. I don’t go to church much. Brother Tom can testify to that,” Steven chuckled. Brother Lemons’s question didn’t seem to offend him at all.
“I want to ask a favor of you. You’ve shared your home and the bounty from your hard work w
ith me, and I want to share my service with you. Actually it’s not my service, it’s the Lord’s, but He and I want you to come. Will you do that for me?” Brother Lemons was looking directly at Steven, waiting for an answer.
“I’m not gonna lie to you and tell you I’ll come. But I will think about it.”
Emily was glad to have some time alone with Rosemary. They had become good friends over the past weeks, and Emily had been able to share her heart with Rosemary.
“Tell me, are things any better? Steven seemed real relaxed at dinner,” Rosemary said, as she and Emily washed the dinner dishes.
“There’s been no major breakthrough, but there hasn’t been as much quarreling either. Steven was very nice about me having you over to eat. He really surprised me. I’ve never seen him talk to anyone as much as he did at lunch with Brother Lemons and Brother Tom,” Emily confided.
“I really hope things work out with the two of you. I think you could make a good life for yourselves and the kids. I know you’re in love with him. And from what I saw today, I think he may be falling in love with you.”
Emily’s stomach flip-flopped. She carefully dried the soap from her hands before she answered. “What makes you think I’m in love with Steven?”
“The way you look when you talk about him. You may not realize it yourself, but you love him.”
Emily poured them both a glass of lemonade and sat down at the table. “Oh, I realize it all right. I just don’t like to admit it to myself, much less anyone else.” Emily took a sip of her lemonade, then continued. “At first I thought my feelings were just because it had been so long since I had a man in my life. You know the kind of feelings I’m talking about.”
Rosemary laughed. “Yes, I know. Just because I’m married to the preacher doesn’t mean I don’t experience those kind of feelings. We are very much in love with each other, and we are very loving.”
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