But the memory that most tortured him day and night was of the kiss they had shared. In that one moment—at once wonderful and terrible—his life had changed forever. In an instant, the feelings he had tried to fend off for weeks had crashed down upon him with as much force as if he had been beneath the shed when it collapsed. He could no longer deny his love for Regina. But what he should do about those feelings, his mind and heart could not agree. So he worked. He worked until the blisters forming on his hands turned to calluses. He worked until his mind was too tired to think and his body too numb to feel… anything.
Wielding the ax, he slammed the broad blade into the log again with a mighty force, this time severing it. The two pieces of the log now joined a dozen of their fellows, each eighteen feet in length and ready to be hewn into squared beams for construction of the house’s walls. The house in which he and Regina were supposed to live together as husband and wife. If only he could believe that was a possibility. He shook his head as if he could sling from his mind the images that notion formed there—tender, sweet images that gouged at his throbbing heart. He needed to keep working.
Swiping his forearm across his sweaty brow, he turned to find another suitable poplar. But then he stopped, pressed the ax head against the log, and leaned on the tool’s handle. Gazing at the forest before him, he huffed out a frustrated breath. He could single-handedly cut down all twenty acres of trees and still not calm the tumult inside him.
He scrubbed his sweat-drenched face with his hand. The question that had haunted him for three days echoed again in his mind. Was it possible Regina loved him, too? Her tears and her kisses said yes. But when he had let her go, her expression had reflected very different emotions. What had he seen there? Shock? Anger? Disgust? Pain slashed at his heart. Surely she could not think he would take advantage of her fear that he’d been injured in order to steal a kiss from her. No, he couldn’t believe that. He had seen her eyes close and her lips part invitingly. He had felt how sweetly, how eagerly she returned his kiss. So why had she run away from him, especially when he’d been quick to apologize for his impulsive actions? The only answer that made any sense ripped at his battered heart. She had simply gotten caught up in the moment and immediately regretted what had happened.
If only he knew for certain she felt about him the same way he felt about her, he would give up his dreams of adventure and riches in an instant. Without regret or a backward glance, he would trade all the gold in California for Regina’s love. But so far, he had not mustered the courage to confront her—to demand she tell him her feelings one way or the other and put him out of his misery. For until he knew for sure, he could still nurture hope. And despite their secret bargain not to marry in the fall, maybe, just maybe, he could change her mind and win her heart away from Eli Tanner.
“You are working too hard, Sohn.” Diedrich hadn’t noticed his father walk up. “I know you are eager to build our home, but you must be alive to enjoy it, hey?” Chuckling, he clapped Diedrich on the shoulder.
Diedrich answered with a wry smile. If Father knew the real reason he was working so hard, Diedrich doubted he’d be laughing.
Father walked to a log that lay in a slice of shade. Sitting, he motioned for Diedrich to join him. “Ernst says his ax is getting dull and he forgot to bring a pumice stone.” He waved at Herr Seitz, who waved back from across the clearing as he walked, ax in hand, toward the wagon. “He said we should take a rest while he sharpens his ax.”
Sending a wave toward Herr Seitz, Diedrich sat on the log. Father leaned back against the smooth bark of a beech tree, his arms crossed over his chest and his legs stretched out in front of him with his feet crossed at the ankles. Diedrich hunched forward, his arms on his knees. For a moment, they sat quietly, enjoying the cool breezes that rustled the canopy of leaves above them and dried the sweat from their faces. Only the chattering and squawking of birds in the trees and the occasional beating of wings as the fowl took flight disturbed the silence.
At length Father angled his head toward Diedrich. “So tell me, Sohn, what is it that has been troubling you?”
Diedrich gave a short, sardonic laugh. Of course Father would have sensed his discontent. Pausing, he contemplated how best to answer. In the end, he decided to ask a question of his own instead. “Did Mama love you when you married?” Diedrich remembered Mama saying that though she and Father had known each other all their lives, their marriage was arranged by their parents.
A surprised look crossed Father’s face, followed by a wince that made Diedrich regret the question. In the five years since Mama’s death, Father had rarely mentioned her. He had cared for Mama deeply. Diedrich had never questioned that. And he sensed Father’s silence on the subject was not due to lack of affection, but on the contrary, because he still found it too painful to touch with words. Diedrich was about to apologize for asking when Father’s lips turned up in a gentle smile. Resting his head back against the tree, Father ran his curled knuckles along his whiskered jaw, a sure sign he was giving the question consideration. Finally, he said, “I don’t think so, not at first.”
“But she did… later?” Hoping he had not overstepped his bounds, Diedrich turned his gaze from Father’s face and focused instead on a colony of ants marching in a line along a twig.
A deep chortle rumbled from Father, surprising Diedrich. “Oh yes. Later she did.”
Emboldened by the lilt in Father’s voice, Diedrich pressed on. “So what did you do to win her love?”
Another soft chuckle. “I just loved her, Sohn, as the scriptures tell us in Ephesians. ‘Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.’ Were you not listening to Pastor Sauer’s sermon last Lord’s day?”
“Of course I was listening. I just thought maybe you would know something I could do….” Diedrich let the thought dangle. He never should have broached the subject in the first place. How could Father give him any useful advice when he had no idea Regina had already situated her affection on another?
Drawing his knees up, Father leaned forward and put his hand on Diedrich’s shoulder. “I know it was a difficult thing, asking you to marry someone you had never met, Sohn, but Regina seems to be a very caring, God-fearing girl. She treats her parents with affection and respect, and I am sure she will treat you in the same manner.” He grinned. “And she is very pretty, too. I do not know what more you could want.”
Diedrich nodded mutely, though he wanted to say that what he wanted was Regina’s full heart—that he wanted to know if by some miracle he’d been blessed to win her love, she would not look at him one day and wish she had married Eli Tanner. “Everything you say is true, but I just thought perhaps you could tell me what I might do to grow her affection for me.”
Father sighed. “Do not concern yourself, Diedrich. I have seen Regina look at you with affection. In time, I am sure her feelings for you will grow to a deeper love.” Then as he gazed across the clearing to the cornfield, his eyes turned distant and his voice wistful. “Just love her, Sohn. Love begets love.”
Diedrich ventured a glance at Father’s face and, noticing a glistening in his eyes, decided he should not pursue the conversation further. Bringing up painful memories would not help Diedrich win Regina’s heart. Father said he had seen Regina look at Diedrich with affection. With that to give him courage, he would pray for God’s guidance and confront Regina. At the very next opportunity to speak with her alone, he would bare his heart to her and accept whatever happened.
Perched on a three-legged stool, Regina hunched over the butter churn. Gripping the handle of the dasher, she began pounding it up and down. She’d decided that the shade of the big willow in the side yard would be a pleasant spot to churn the butter. It also provided a good view of the lane.
Since the devastating kiss she had shared with Diedrich, she’d had few opportunities to encourage his attention. It hurt to realize that, if anything, he seemed to avoid her. But she couldn’t really blame hi
m. He along with Father and Herr Rothhaus had been working so hard on clearing the new land that they hardly had energy to eat, let alone make conversation. But this morning at breakfast, Papa had said by noon today they might have enough logs cut to begin work on the house. And if so, they would likely come in early for dinner. Since Regina and her sisters were little, Mama had preached that a man found nothing more captivating than an industrious girl. So at every opportunity, she wanted Diedrich to find her engaged in some kind of domestic occupation. And if they were to come home early, Diedrich was sure to see her here hard at work, making the butter he so loved to slather on corn bread.
With the willow’s supple branches draping over her shoulder like a green ribbon, she hoped to present a fetching picture. A few coy smiles and the batting of her eyes had proved sufficient to catch Eli’s attention. But Diedrich was a far more serious person and would likely find such antics silly and juvenile.
She sighed. If only she could talk with Elsie. Scarcely two years Regina’s senior, Elsie had, until her marriage to William last September, been Regina’s lifelong confidant. While Regina had never been especially close to her more staid and proper eldest sister, Sophie, Regina and Elsie had grown up playing and giggling together. Unlike Sophie, who would most likely ridicule Regina’s heartache, Elsie would sympathize and know exactly what Regina should do to win Diedrich’s heart.
At the distant sound of a wagon rumbling down the lane, Regina’s heart hopped like a frightened rabbit. The men must have met their day’s goal of felled trees. Rising slightly, she repositioned her stool so she could angle her profile for a more flattering effect.
But as the wagon neared, her heart dipped. It was definitely not their wagon or team of horses. Butter churn forgotten, Regina walked toward the lane to see who might be visiting. When the wagon came to a stop between the house and the barn, she finally recognized Elsie’s husband, William. Her heart skipped with her feet as she hurried toward the wagon. She hadn’t seen Elsie since Easter. It was as if God had answered her prayer before she prayed it.
Bouncing up to the wagon, she peered around William but could not see Elsie. Shading her eyes from the sun with her flattened hand, she tipped her face up to her brother-in-law. “Guten Tag, William. Where is Elsie?”
Only now did she notice the somber expression on William’s face. Since he was naturally jovial, his glum look curled her heart in on itself. Regina’s smile wilted. “William, what is wrong?” Fear tightened her chest and filled her mouth with a bad taste. As William climbed down, she gripped the wagon wheel to support her legs, which had gone wobbly. Once he reached the ground, the gray pallor on his drawn face was visible beneath at least two days’ growth of straw-colored beard.
The quick clop-clop of wooden shoes sounded behind Regina, and before she could ask anything more about Elsie, Mama’s stern voice at her left shoulder demanded, “Where is my Elsie? Is she all right?”
William’s blue eyes brimmed with tears and sorrow. Torturing his battered brown hat in his hands, he shook his head mutely.
CHAPTER 13
William.” Mama gripped William’s shoulders and leveled a no-nonsense gaze into his eyes. “You tell me now—what has happened to my Elsie?” William sniffed and ran his sleeve beneath his nose. Even as terror clutched at Regina’s throat, her heart hurt for William, who looked suddenly older than his twenty-one years. “Doc Randolph says she was with child, but…” He shook his head again. A tear coursed down his scraggly cheek and disappeared into the bristle of pale whiskers. He paid it no mind. “She is restin’. Doc says she is out of danger and should be up on her feet again in a few days.” His sad gaze shifted between Mama and Regina. The semblance of a smile quavered on his lips. “She was so lookin’ forward to tellin’ ya about the babe.”
Mama pulled him into her arms as if he were Sophie’s two-year-old, Henry, and had just fallen and skinned his knee. “It is sorry I am, lieber Sohn. Sometimes it is hard, but we must trust Gott. I know my liebes Enkelkind is in His arms.” Letting William go, she brushed the wetness from her cheeks and offered him a brave smile. “These things, they happen. There will be more Kinder.” Mama squared her shoulders. “I must go to her.”
Regina blinked away the tears welling in her own eyes and gripped her mother’s arm. “I know you want to go to Elsie, Mama, but I am not sure I am ready to take care of everything here alone. And think, is it proper for me to be here without you while Diedrich is…” Her face heating, she abandoned the thought. As much as she hoped to win Diedrich’s affection, the last thing she wanted was to force him into a marriage because people in the community thought something improper had occurred.
Mama sighed, and her brow wrinkled in thought. “Of course you are right, Tochter. Such a thing would not be korrekt. I would not have your wedding day tarnished with talk of impropriety.”
William shook his head. “My ma was seein’ to Elsie, but then my sister’s kids got sick, and she had to go help with them.” He scrubbed his face with his hand. “Doc said Elsie has to stay in bed for the next several days, so I’ve been tryin’ to take care of her and the store at the same time. It’s ’bout got me frazzled. I closed the store and found a neighbor lady willin’ to sit with Elsie until I can get back tomorrow evenin’. But with the doctor bills, we cain’t afford to close down anymore.”
“Why don’t I go?” As sad as Regina was about William and Elsie’s loss, she wondered if something good might come of this unfortunate situation. She had just been thinking how she would like to talk to Elsie, and this was her chance.
William nodded at Regina. “Elsie would like that. She’s been pinin’ for you. I think you just might be the medicine she needs to lift her spirits.”
Mama bobbed her head in agreement. “Ja. You should go, Regina, and see to your Schwester.” She smiled at William and, putting her hand on his back, guided him toward the back door. “But now we must feed you before a big wind comes and blows you away.”
A half hour later, between helping Mama with dinner and making a mental list of what she’d need to take with her to Salem, Regina scarcely noticed when Diedrich, Papa, and Herr Rothhaus returned to the house. The conversation at the meal was focused on the sad news and comforting William. More than a few tears were shed around the table and many prayers went up, asking God to comfort the grieving young couple and restore Elsie to full health.
His eyes glistening, Papa paused in slicing a piece of roast pork. “We know what you are feeling, William. Do we not, Mutti?” He sent Mama a sad smile. An odd look crossed Mama’s face, and though she nodded, she quickly changed the subject to what foods Regina should make for Elsie that might help to build back her strength.
Though Regina wondered about Papa’s comment and Mama’s reaction to it, she had more pressing concerns to occupy her mind. And one of them sat across the table from her. Diedrich had said little aside from joining his father in offering his sympathy and prayers. But several times during the meal, she thought she noticed disappointment as well as sorrow on his face when he looked at her. Most likely, he was simply sad about the news William had brought them. But Regina couldn’t help hoping his glum look had something to do with his learning that she would be leaving the farm for several days.
The next morning after breakfast, when Regina came down from her bedroom with a calico sack full of necessities for her stay at William and Elsie’s home, she found Diedrich waiting at the bottom of the stairs.
“Regina.” His gray eyes held hers tenderly, snatching her breath away and sending her heart crashing against her ribs. For the space of a heartbeat, she thought—hoped—he might actually kiss her. Instead, he simply took the sack from her hands. Deep furrows appeared on his broad forehead. “There is something—something I have wanted to say. Needed to say…”
“Are you ready to go, Regina?” William came through the kitchen door into the washroom, with Papa and Mama trailing behind him.
Diedrich looked down at the floor. When he lo
oked up, he gave her a sad smile. “Tell Elsie I am praying for her and William.”
“Danke.” Regina managed the breathless word as William took her calico sack from Diedrich’s hands and ushered her outside.
With a thirty-mile trip ahead of them, they would need to head out as soon as possible to make it to Salem before sunset. So good-byes were quickly said all around, with Papa promising to fetch her home five days hence. Regina hugged Mama and Papa, and even Herr Rothhaus gave her a hug and a quick kiss on the cheek. But Diedrich only took her hand and, in a voice scarcely above a whisper, murmured, “Gott segne und halte dich, Regina,” before helping her up to the wagon seat beside William. His gaze never left hers, and her heart throbbed painfully at the tender look in his eyes.
“God bless and hold you, too, Diedrich.” Somehow she managed to utter the sentiment around the lump in her throat. A moment later William snapped the reins down on the horse’s rumps, and with a jerk, the wagon began to roll down the lane. Away from home. Away from Diedrich. What had he been about to say before William cut him short at the back door? That question would doubtless haunt her until she returned home and got the chance to ask him.
But over the next few days, all other thoughts faded as Regina’s concern for Elsie demanded first place in her mind and heart. How it had ripped at Regina’s heart to see her beautiful, vibrant sister lying abed, gaunt and melancholy. That first evening, they spoke little. For a long while, they had simply held each other and cried. And when they finally did speak, the words were tearful prayers directed heavenward for the little one they would never hold.
William had made up a little straw tick pallet for Regina in the kitchen, and the next morning at the break of dawn, she was awakened by a knock at the kitchen door. A large, rawboned woman who introduced herself as Dorcas Spray, the neighbor lady who had sat with Elsie the day before, presented Regina with a fat, rust-colored rooster she’d just killed. “A good dose of chicken broth will set Elsie right,” she said. Then, lamenting that she could stay only a moment, she thrust the fowl’s scaly yellow feet trussed up with twine into Regina’s hands, its broken neck dangling at her knees. Trying to sound appreciative, Regina had thanked the woman then spent the rest of the morning plucking, butchering, and stewing the rooster. But at noon, when she finally handed Elsie a large cup of the meat broth, her sister’s smile was more than sufficient payment for her work. According to William, Elsie had scarcely eaten anything since losing the baby, so it heartened Regina to see her sipping the hot chicken broth with gusto.
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