… and not something I especially wanted to do again.
I mean, I’d almost started crying (almost) because it kept reminding me of the first time I kissed Grady—and reminding me that I’d never do it again, have Grady’s yummy kiss. It was awful realizing that.
“I guess I’m just not ready for this,” I told Todd sincerely. “Thanks though. It was … fun.”
“Fun? Mandy, I can show you fun.”
He went to put his arms around me, like he was going to give the kissing another shot—and maybe add more to it.
With a yelp, I squirmed away from him. “No! I want to go home—right now.”
He ran his hands through his hair looking frustrated. “Okay,” he muttered. “But why do I get the feeling you’re not going to give me another shot?”
Because I’m not?
“Um … look, I’m just not ready. Not yet.”
He gives me a sideways glance. “Ready for what?”
“For this—kissing another guy.” Then I add, just so we’re clear, “—or dating.”
He squeezes his eyes shut with a grunt. “That’s what I thought. You’re writing me off.”
Right.
When we get to my house, he’s all quiet.
He scrubs a hand over his face, “Look, Mandy. I get that I moved too fast. Like I said, I was excited that I was finally getting to kiss you. You shouldn’t write me off from that—one kiss.”
Actually, there had been a lot of kissing. A lot. But I don’t point that out. I just want to go to bed and be done with this experience—this milestone, that apparently was necessary, but nonetheless kind of torturous.
“Thank you, Todd. I needed this. Needed tonight. I appreciate it.”
He shakes his head. “So, you were just using me? Like a piece of meat?”
Hadn’t we gone over this before I agreed to the “date”? Hadn’t I made it extremely, excruciatingly clear?!
“I appreciate it,” I tell him again as I get out of his car as quickly as I can.
Then I wince, and glance back at him, “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” he says grudgingly.
Then he says less grudgingly, and, in fact, hopefully, “Want me to walk you to your door?”
He says it so hopeful, like such a gesture is a surefire way to get another kiss.
The ‘Goodnight Kiss.’ Standard dating ritual.
“No that’s okay. Thanks again,” I tell him and quickly shut the car door, then run to my house.
I. Do. Not. Like. Being. Single.
CHAPTER 34
Todd isn’t only my boss, he’s also class treasurer. Today during first period, I sat slumped in my seat only half listening as he made the usual morning announcements over the school intercom.
I feel slightly guilty about our “date.” Not about the kissing part. That was a big no way. But, you know, about the dance. The whole night I knew I wasn’t really being fair to him. Since deep inside me I couldn’t help comparing being with him versus being with Grady. And I compared being at the dance with him to all the romantic school dances I went to with Grady—but Grady had been my boyfriend.
So, I knew that sucked—me doing that—but I really couldn’t help it. I just wasn’t ready to go out with someone new yet. But Todd knew that. He totally knew what he was signing up for when I agreed to go to the dance with him.
Still, all night I’d been really, really grateful to him—grateful that he understood the terms but had been willing to take me to the dance anyway.
… Well, I’d thought he understood the terms.
But now, after him getting upset that I wasn’t ready to jump into anything with him, I feel a little bit betrayed by him. And misled.
Once Todd finishes with the morning announcements he adds unexpectedly, “And in other news, Mandy Hall used me to get her ex-boyfriend jealous. I got a nice make-out over it, though. Thanks Mandy.”
I slink down in my seat.
Once I can actually breathe again, I quickly text Todd: “I quit.”
He texts back: “Fair enough.”
CHAPTER 35
Boys suck, right?
CHAPTER 36
Earlier did I say I felt ‘a little bit’ betrayed by Todd? Well now I feel a lot betrayed by him. Like, I want to full-on punch-out his pretty face. Jerk!
CHAPTER 37
It was two days ago that Todd made his awesome announcement. You would think that might be enough humiliation to last me the week—but no. Of course not. Today is Valentines Day and not only do I not have a “Valentine” I don’t even have a fake one … and everyone knows it. Thanks Todd.
So, I’m not feeling super cheerful as I slog through the school doors, knowing that today I will get no rose purchased from a boy to benefit our school’s fundraiser that takes place every year at this time—you know, selling roses to boys that want to show their Valentine that they are special and not fake, or totally replaceable. (Stupid Valentine!)
But then, I end up getting three roses. Three! The first is in my locker when I get there. I stare at it, knowing it’s from Grady (since he’s the only person who knows my locker combo). My heart pounds hard. And twisty. I have this lump growing in my throat that’s making it sort of hard to breathe.
With trembling fingers, I finally peek at the card wondering what he could possibly say to me. I mean, anything would be absolutely humiliating now—since he and everyone else heard over the intercom that I recently tried to get him jealous—also, he caught me in his bed. What can a guy say after that?
I peek at the card.
Yeah, that’s what he can say, exactly what Grady wrote—“From Grady.”
Leave it to him to have just the right words. (Groan.)
When I get to the band room, there are two more roses for me. One is from Todd. His card says: “I did a creepy thing. Sorry.”
Yeah he did a creepy thing. Jerk!
The other rose is interesting. It’s from … Smith.
CHAPTER 38
Okay, I guess I’m ready to tell you about the embarrassing experience with Smith. Not the thing that happened in middle school that made him start avoiding me. But the recent thing that made him start looking at me again.
It happened a little over a month ago. Right when Becca just barely arrived at our school. I’d already heard about her—that she was in Grady’s history class and was constantly flirting with him. (I didn’t hear this from Grady—I heard it from my friends.) (Grady had never said a word about her to me. Not one peep … though my friends kept informing me that he was doing a lot of peeping with her in history class.)
Anyway, marching band was having their annual awards banquet. (I’m in the drum-line with Grady.) (I played a solo at the banquet, by the way; and I happened to rock it.) Anyway, towards the end of the banquet, while cake was being served, Grady was giving a wonderful speech because he’s wonderful and captain of the drum-line and we did spectacular this year. Anyway, in the middle of his speech, he’d said that there were some incredibly special talent in the band, and he had emphasized the word ‘special’ all longing and meaningful-like and had started to look to me as he said it, but then new-girl-Becca had let out a loud “whoop!” and his eyes had cut to her instead. It had all happened in a heartbeat. He’d started to look at me, and I’d started to wave at him, but then his gaze had cut to her and so my hand abruptly fell … just like my heart.
Only when my hand fell, it had come down fast, and spastic—and awkwardly … and accidently landed in the lap of the person sitting next to me—which was Smith. I accidently “rubbed” him. I felt him stiffen (no pun intended—but, um, yeah, I felt that) and he froze. I quickly snatched my hand away with a yelp, squeaking out, “Sorry!”
He gave me a quizzical, though totally playful look. “Great. Now I’ve got to go find my girlfriend,” he murmured. “And I’d been enjoying my cake.”
Like he couldn’t enjoy it now.
Going up in flames, I murmured again, “Sorry.�
��
I saw him text Chloe. “Meet me in the coat closet.”
He quickly put his long coat on and said, “If you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a situation even more imperative than my cake—and I’d really liked the cake.”
“You can have my piece,” I offered.
He eyed it, then me. “Okay, I accept your offer, since I know you won’t offer me anything else, and I couldn’t accept anyway.” Then he headed to the closet, but texted me, “However, just so we’re clear: I’m accepting your cake offer.”
“Got ya,” I texted back.
“Also, your boyfriend is a wad for smiling at her instead of waving at you.”
I gasped. He noticed that!
… and agreed with me.
It had been a wad move.
The first one I’d ever, ever seen Grady do.
… but turned out to be the first of many.
CHAPTER 39
I stare at Smith’s rose. Interestingly, Smith’s card says about the exact same thing as Grady’s—“From Smith.” That’s all it says. Nothing romantic. Not even an explanation.
I see him enter the band room and pick up his drumsticks. “You gave me a rose?”
“Yeah,” he glances up at me. “Is that bad? You seem sad lately. I don’t like to see you sad.”
“Exactly when did you start noticing me again?” I mean, the guy said his girlfriend told him he looks at me like I have sunshine coming out of my butt. (Well that, and other unusual things coming out of it.)
“Yeah. I think it was around the time you put your hand in my lap.”
“Na-uh.”
“Well, you played the drums pretty nice that night too. And you didn’t exactly look ugly in your white dress. I would have said like an angel—but then, you know, you did a not so angel-like thing to my lap.”
“It was an accident!”
He grins, “Yeah, well, nonetheless, all that stuff in one packed night got me noticing you. And, you know, once a person starts noticing stuff, then it keeps happening—especially when the stuff is extremely noticeable, like fainting at your feet, and going around without underwear.”
“I don’t go around without underwear.”
“They were very lacy, nice underwear.”
He’s just teasing me, but he’s getting exactly what he wants. I’m as red as a lobster.
“Look Mandy, I’m not a soft, feely kind of guy. But if you need to talk, I have ears. They’re hidden behind this awesome hair, but I have them.”
“You also have a girlfriend.”
“Yeah. So you’ll have to promise not to attack me. Use restraint. I know I’m hard to resist, but I think you can handle it.”
“Stop being nice to me.”
He nudges me. “I like being nice to you.”
“Why?”
I can tell he’s in a highly teasing mood (we used to be good friends—eons ago. I know him) I know a tease is coming on when I see his eyes dance like they are. So I brace myself.
“I guess because, you know, you wet yourself over me. It makes me feel kind towards you. It’s a new feeling for me. It’s a weird feeling. I’ve never felt it before.”
“Well, that’s unfortunate for your girlfriend.”
He grins, “Touché.”
I have to look away from his adorable grin, and remind myself he has a girlfriend.
I take a deep breath. “Okay, well the only situations you have seen me in lately were traumatically embarrassing ones, so I think I’ll just say thank you for the rose and your ‘kind’ offer, but I’m good.”
“Are you?”
I blink at him. “Huh?”
“Are you okay? Mandy, you fainted over the guy.”
Oh no! He really was being kind with the rose. Yikes!
“Yeah, I’m okay. Thanks.” Then I add, “Really.”
Meaning, I really appreciate that he cares. I do.
… but it will just make me cry.
Yep, I’m an emotional wreck.
You can’t be nice to me these days—unless you want me to bawl.
CHAPTER 40
At lunch, I chance going to the art room. After all, it’s Valentine’s Day. Probably Grady’s doing something amazing and romantic with Becca. However, when I enter the art room I freeze. He’s doing something romantic with her alright, he’s kissing her wild. Right here in the art room.
I start to back out, but Grady catches me out of the corner of his eye and unlocks his lips from Becca’s long enough to call out to me, “Hey, Mandy! I saw your latest drawings. They’re amazing.”
“Thanks,” I murmur, my bottom lip trembling slightly for some reason, maybe because he’s still holding Becca as he talks to me, or maybe because I’d just witnessed the haunting sight of him jamming his tongue down another girl’s throat. I will never recover from that, not even if I live to be two thousand and ten.
On shaky legs, I continue on my route to vacate the room, though Grady doesn’t seem to want me to escape from his torturous presence. Maybe because I never go near him anymore (I mean, except, you know, when I stalk into his room and hide in his bed).
He quickly informs me, “I have some great ideas for the game—your awesome drawings got my juices flowing—we need to get together.”
We were together, idiot! But then you chose Miss Scheming Skank Ski-Bunny over me. I’m tempted to say all of this, but there’s too many words involved and will keep me in this awkward room even longer. Plus, you know, I’d probably start crying or something lame.
So instead I shake my head slightly. “I’m pretty busy these days—what with Todd and everything,” I say dryly.
Grady gives me a tiny grin. “That was some announcement he made. I can’t believe you made out with the guy.”
Becca leans on one foot looking impatient and slightly annoyed, like I disturbed her Valentine make-out by, you know, entering the public room where, you know, everyone is allowed to come, and shouldn’t have to be stricken with the sight of people doing extremely inappropriate things to each other.
Or maybe she’s just pissed that Grady is talking to me—you know, the girl she stole him from.
It would be hilarious, only I don’t exactly feel spectacular doing this, talking with Grady about a guy I kissed, while he’s holding the girl he was just kissing. It hurts so bad, and though he seems beyond comfortable with it, my stomach is coiling into knots and my heart is shattering.
Grady says, “You should come over to my house—soon.”
“Yeah, I’ll get right on that,” I tell him dryly.
Then I add, “You two can get back to what you were doing. Don’t mind me, I’m just going to go puke.”
Grady calls after me, “Mandy, I miss you.”
His desperate voice makes violent trembles crash through me, and I freeze.
Slowly I turn back to him. “I don’t see why. You have a bimbo in your arms. That seems to be what you want now.”
Then I turn and run out of the room and might just do what I said—puke.
CHAPTER 41
After school, I find another rose in my locker. I stare at it a long time, knowing it’s from Grady. I squeeze my eyes shut, wishing so bad I could just slam my locker and walk away. Not look back.
My heart thumping, I finally read the card, once again my insides warming, yet knotting at the sight of Grady’s familiar handwriting. For some reason the familiarity of it is bittersweet. Though actually, everything about him these days is bittersweet. Even his card, that doesn’t just say “From Grady” this time. This time it says too much. This time I might cry.
It says: “You’re acting like us not being “us” is easy on me. It’s not, Mandy. Seeing you hurting breaks my heart. I’m still me, Mandy. I still care about you.”
I get the feeling this is about him finding me in his bed.
I look up, and there’s Grady watching me. He’s alone for once, and not smiling. His eyes look cautious. Guarded.
I snap my locker shut and swallow as h
e slowly trails closer to me.
Without speaking, he glances at his note in my hands, then looks up into my eyes. His voice is soft and husky. So gentle. “Look, when we broke up? I wasn’t ready for that. I wasn’t ready for you to just dump me out of your life.”
“Then maybe you shouldn’t have dumped me for Bimbo Becca.”
“Don’t keep calling her that. Mandy, you’re better than that.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah. You’re the kind of girl you marry.” He kisses my nose, then more gently, my forehead, “But I’m not ready to be married.”
I swallow. “Neither am I,” I whisper.
“Then let’s not act married.”
My lip quivers, “Meaning you’re going to keep seeing her.”
“You can see other people too. It will kill me to see it, so I know what you’re going through.”
I shake my head the tiniest bit and squeak out, “I don’t think you do.”
“Mandy, you fainted. I think I have a faint grasp.”
Becca is suddenly at Grady’s elbow. She came out of nowhere—as usual. She doesn’t exactly look pleased to see Grady and me together, in fact she full-on scowls when she sees the rose in my hand. But she covers her anger quickly, and seizes on another tack—because she’s sneaky like that. And skanky. She purrs to Grady, “Come on Grady or we’re going to be late for the romantic Valentine plans I made.”
Grady glances from me to her then back to me, indecision clearly in his eyes.
“We’re good?” he asks, raising his eyebrows at me.
Want To Hate You ... Too Bad I Love You Page 24
